I don't know what I want? Academic/Job Wise

[elseaacych]

Hello! Here's my background, it's long so skip down to the bolded TLDR part if you want the question.

 

I plowed through undergrad in three years, loved it. I got a degree in business with an emphasis in economics. I loved the economic philosophy aspect of it- particularly institutional economics, which in a nutshell is the study of how economic systems develop in conjunction with the various factors of political climate, policy, and history. But I often really detested the math. I bartered that, in exchange for going to Washington DC to study constitutional law and economics, I would write an economic paper. Well, that paper won some awards for being good. (I don't know how that happened.)

 

At the same time, I took the LSAT. First score sucked. Like, not even get into law school suck. However, being an attorney has been a dream of mine, because it seems like something I could be good at. I took the test again, and got a decent scholarship to the law school in my home town, so I figured I could move in with my parents and pursue law school.

 

There was an opportunity to do a joint program for JD/MA in Econ at another school that I looked at as well, but after speaking to a JD/PhD in Econ, I determined that my math skills were far from where I needed to be to start the law/econ program and be successful. The program was also going to cost about 2.5x as much as the plain law degree. So the choice was made for the local law school.

 

At the same time all this was happening, I landed an internship with a local employer in HR that would have led to a full time job. But I had just gotten into law school so I wanted to do that. I loved my job there, and felt a twinge of regret as I left to start school, but they let me come back and work over break, and I will be working there over the summer as well, because I loved working there.

 

Then law school started. I was like a robot my first semester, driven, studied all the time. I was motivated by fear. The work was merely "okay". I felt about as passionate as I did towards some of my undergrad classes. Not my love, but I could do it. Only this took a lot more work. Ended up top third of my class. Lost my long term boyfriend who just didn't understand the amount of work I needed to put in, and was resentful that I couldn't solve his issues and do law school at the same time. I was devastated and went into a full scale depression, of which I am just now starting to pull out of. I just haven't been able to put in the work I need to to get the same results.

 

Thing is, I don't really enjoy my classes this semester. They are dull, and I can't tell whether it's the depression that's doing it, or if I need to be motivated by fear, if law school has lost whatever luster it had. On some days, there's stuff that I enjoy. But anymore, I can't tell why I am not enjoying the work. I don't know whether there's a full time job for me at the company right now. I don't know if I want to be in the company in the long term, because while my hometown is fine, I want to get out and see the world and live somewhere else.

 

TLDR. The question.

 

But working to get a JD, getting in to debt, and taking a non JD job- which in a couple of years may pay me to get an economics MA doesn't seem to really make sense. I don't know if that's what I want, because I want so many different things. I fluctuate back and forth between wanting the JD, I don't know whether I could do the work to be successful in an economics MA program, and I don't want to stay in my hometown indefinitely. I think anything could make me happy, but each way has its ways that make me unhappy.

 

I feel directionless. Does anyone have any suggestions?