Heartbroken and confused, but still want her back

[demonfall]

OK, this is my first post here, but I'm looking for some advice.

 

I'd been with my fiance for over a year and a half now, and she broke up with me out of the blue on January 19th. I later found out that she had cheated on me the weekend before. I don't know how much to blame her since I know she was drinking and I knew he had been hitting on her before.

 

Some back story: We met while working together, and got to talking. She was in a relationship with the father of her child and was supposed to be married in a few months. She told me that she was not in love with him, and was being forced into it by her family. We continued to talk and we eventually slept together. She broke things off with him a few weeks before their wedding, and started seeing me more often. She met my family. I didn't meet hers till a few months after she was supposed to get married. Things were going good with us. I was staying with her about every other night or so. I fell in love with her and her son, who is now 2 1/2 years old. I was the one that said I love you first. She was happier than I'd ever seen her before and told me so and also in letters she's written me.

 

A few months later I accepted a position at the other chain in my restaurant. I would no longer be working with her. I know this hit her a bit hard. She wouldn't be seeing as much of me. A month later though, she moved in with me and my family because she couldn't take living with her roommate anymore. Things were great as far as I knew. Waking up next to her and knowing she'd be there for me and I for her was comforting. In October of 2004 SHE PROPOSED to me. I thought she might be moving a bit fast but also thought she was happy. I could see that living with my family was getting to her and she told me so. We'd been looking for houses together, but had little success. Things were still good through Christmas and New Years, but then she started to act differently and kind of distant. We'd even been trying for a baby (her idea). After New Years that stopped. We still had sex, but she didn't want to try for a baby anymore. She didn't say that anything was wrong, and she was the one that had always professed she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and said I was her everything.

 

Well, now that we're broken up, she still wants to stay friends. I still love her and her son very deeply and want her back. The only real explanation I've been given for the break up is that she'd been thinking and got scared. Now she is 8 years younger than me and I'm almost 30, but that had never bothered her before. The guy that she supposedly cheated on me with now wants nothing to do with her, and I told her that I would like to try again. She still says that she only wants to be friends and that she'll bring her son over to see me and my family, because we had already treated him as my son and a grandchild.

 

She brought him over yesterday and we talked a bit and we both cried. She'll let me hug her and hold her but not kiss. I can tell she's holding back something but don't want to push her. I want to get her to tell me why she won't give it another go, and I don't want either one of them out of my life. I love them both too much. I told her I can forgive her and we can work through this, but I don't know if I can stand staying just friends or should just ride it out and give her time. I don't want to do the NC thing at this point because of her son and the affect he has on my family. She still refers to my mother as grandma to her son. I know she still loves me, but don't know if she's afraid to hurt me again or thinks that she made too big of a mistake to fix.

[Numb]

Demonfall, move on. The trust will never be there again and it will always bug you. Look at it this way whats going to be the first thing that comes to your mind when she goes to the store or shopping and doesn't answer her phone? Do you wanna live like that till it happens again? Trust is everything without it you will go nutty and always think about what she did to you or is doing again.

 

Good Luck

[reservoirdog1]

Dude, I don't totally believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing, but you have to look at the facts. She cheated on her last fiance with you. Then she cheated on you, after you'd been together all of a year and a half. That doesn't bode well for the future.

 

You said that you don't know how much to blame her, given that she was drunk and the guy had previously been hitting on her. I'll answer that one for you: BLAME HER COMPLETELY. Neither of those facts make what she did any less heinous. She allowed herself to get drunk in the presence of a guy who was coming on to her and had done so before, and then made a decision to give in. Notice my use of the word "decision."

 

I have to question the wisdom of making a big commitment to somebody who's already cheated on you. It might be a bit different if they cheat AFTER the wedding. But before? Why settle for a marriage that's crippled before it even begins? You've been given a huge, in-your-face warning of things to come. I wish I'd gotten that, you have no idea. For god's sake, heed the warning. Get out now, while it's still possible to do so without a lawyer.

 

I know you love her. But you deserve better. And she doesn't.

[demonfall]

-Update-

 

Well, I just had dinner and walked around the mall with her. We talked for a while and I think I got her to tell me everything finally, or most of it at least. She knows she ****ed up, and doesn't blame me for it. But it mostly comes down to the guy telling her what she wanted to hear. Stuff that I'd been neglecting and she hadn't told me about. Apparently I hadn't told her how beautiful she was often enough, if ever. There's more to it than that, and she doesn't think I can ever trust her again. I told her I still love her and her son very much and that if we can get through this we might be stronger than ever. Or we might not work ever again. She's taking some time to get her head straight since one of her friends just killed himself because his girlfriend did the same thing to him. Luckily I'm not like that and came here instead of taking the coward's way out. At this time I still don't want to give up on her because I know we are good together, and I'm not willing to give up her son just yet. That might change at some point, but who knows.

[reservoirdog1]

Then, at the VERY least, put the wedding on hold. Make damned sure things are sorted out before making a commitment that will be a lot messier to get out of. I strongly suggest relationship counselling.

[demonfall]

Oh we're definitely not engaged anymore, and she says she can't make any promises as to getting back together. Right now we're just starting over as friends. I told her I won't pressure her anymore, that this was my final push. I still haven't accepted anything yet, but I'm working on it.

[Universe]

There's something deeper here. We still haven't gotten to the real reason why she cheated on you. That's big. You can't tell me it's just because you didn't tell her she was beautiful enough. I mean - yeah, you screwed up there. Girls need to here that stuff. But she could have just told you about it instead of cheating on you. She definitely seems to have issues that are not being voiced. You need to get to the bottom of them before going too much further. Like it or not, you were a rebound lover. So there is that transition alone period that she never got.

Give her time. In the mean time, get on with your life. Try to move on as if you are forgetting her. You won't forget her until you start actively forcing yourself to. Moving on with your life is not the same thing. You have to move on with your life for a number of reasons. She will respect you more and you will respect yourself more. You won't forget her until you decide that you want to.

 

I don't know. I'm ususally hands off when it comes to relationships involving kids. I don't know what that's like and don't want to. But it's her kid, not yours. And it's not up to you what happens with him. I can't imagine falling in love with a woman and then falling in love with her child and then have her leave me. That's pretty intense.

 

But she's obviously confused.

 

Has she told you that it's over? What does she say she wants?

 

If you love her, wait for her. But you ARE broken up. And that means you're free to see other people and you certainly have a right to since she cheated on you. But if she loves you with will hurt her just like it hurt you. Regardless, it's part of moving on with your life. You need to get out there and date if you can.

 

Lay off on the marriage thing. I know she proposed to you. But at this point, all marriage talk needs to be put to rest and you just need to figure out what really happened and why. Then go from there.

 

But beware. As the previous posters have said: She's cheated in the past and she cheated on you. This is a major reflection on her as a person. You need to make sure you understand her motivations and morality before proceeding.

 

 

Good luck. I hope this helps somehow.

[kodiak]

Demonfall-

I have to say that I agree with the others. Im sure she is a great girl and all and i understand how close you feel to her son. However the trust thing is the hardest part. Sure you said that she was drinking but still she was in a comitted relationship with you. I for one could not deal with the trust thing because it would always weigh in the back of my mind but if you can do it my brother, than go for it. Only your heart knows what is best for you. Good luck

[Devildog]

Are you sure that "you didn't tell me I was beautiful enough" thing isn't a load of crap? I always told my STBXW how beautiful and sexy and attractive she was. Her response was always "yeah, whatever". In her mind I was expected to say those things, so they didn't really count, no matter how true I felt them to be. But she lived for attention from other guys. When other guys hit on her or made sexual comments to her, that made her feel beautiful and desireable. It wasn't that I wasn't saying those things, my opinion wasn't enough for her.

[demonfall]

I don't plan on jumping back into anything with her right away. I know she has some issues, and is confused. She's coming over today so I can see her son, and I'm not going to push for anything. If she does want to come back to me, it has to be on her terms. I want her to be able to love herself first, and sort out what she wants. If she decides that she's happier without me, then I'll just have to live with it and move on. It's just going to be hard though, cause I've never felt this way about anyone before her.

[demonfall]

I told her today that I was OK with her taking some time to be alone and to do what she wants. She told me to do the same and not to wait around for her because she can't make me any promises. I can handle that, it's just hard when she brings him over on Tuesdays and sometimes sees me on Wednesdays. She wants to stay friends, as of right now I still want more than that. She lets me give her back rubs, rub lotion on her tattoo on her back, and sit with her in my arms. I don't want to break the contact with her because she hasn't told me to back off. She says to call whenever I want, to talk. This is tearing me apart. I know she cares about me, but she also doesn't know what she wants or won't tell me everything. I don't know if she's just keeping me around for someone to talk to or someone to fall back on. I'm going to try to get out and do things that make me happy, and try to take my mind off her. I don't know what else to do, and I feel like hell. I never thought I'd say that I wish I could stop loving her.

[demonfall]

This morning I decided to call her and tell her that I can no longer stay just friends with her. I told her that it hurts me too much to have her bring her son over. I really didn't want to do that, but I know that I needed to. He's so happy when he comes over here, and so is my mother and sisters when they see him. I'm miserable though, because nothing's changed between his mother and I. It's good to see him, and I'll miss him, but it's tearing me apart and I don't want to confuse him anymore than he's going to be. I honestly don't think she knows what effect this break up is going to have on him. I don't think she thought it through. She's putting herself before her own child, and I hate seeing her do that. That was the hardest phone call I've ever made, and I'm still shaken up over it 7 hours later. All she said to me was "I'm Sorry"

[mixwell]

hey I think you should stop putting such an emphasis on the kid... Its about the relationship with you and your ex. It sounds like you are trying to throw her son in there as a guilt trip.. Dont use her son as a way of trying to get back together with her.. Thats not an excuse and her son shouldn't even be brought up in the same sentence with the relationship !!!!

 

Thats what I think... Id like to know what happens from your last call... I too was thinking about calling my ex before and telling her i dont want to be JUST friends and i had too many feelings for her.. I didnt want to burn another bridge or say something I might regret later on. Also I didnt want her to take it the wrong way.. Besides then when we or if we stopped talking it would drive me crazy thinking if I had made the right choice by calling her.. Thus I have not said anything.. Id like to know though the outcome !!

 

Take care !

[demonfall]

Wow, I guess I had been using him as an excuse. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I know that he has nothing to do with the relationship, I just love him as much as her.

 

Not sure how she's taking to the not friends thing yet. I'm trying to add no contact to it at the same time. I told her I probably wouldn't be calling her anytime soon. It'll be rough though. I just want to try to make it until her birthday, March 3rd. If I can hold out that long, maybe she'll have some time to think about things and call me first. Because I have to at least get her a card for her birthday.

 

Things are strained though because we have the same boss, who comes and goes between both restaurants. Anything I say gets back to her and vice-versa.

 

I have another letter already written to her, but am afraid to give it to her just yet. I don't know if i should post it here and get some comments on it first or what. This will be the third one I've written since she dumped me 3 weeks ago, and this one is the biggest one yet.

It's two typed pages long, and is more heart pouring and apologetic than ever.

[Devildog]

Don't send the letter Demonfall. Don't send her a birthday card either. Don't call her. Don't forewarn her you are not going to call her. Stop chasing her.

 

Ever been hunting? What happens when you startle your prey? It runs a bit, to get some distance. And then it stops. And then you come back up on it and it runs off again, maybe a little bit further away this time. And you come up and further it runs again. You are chasing your prey further away from you like this.

 

If you stand still, or back away from the spot you initially started her running from, she might move back that way. And you might get another shot. Or she might continue grazing in the spot she finally stopped at last. But your only opportunity to really have a chance is to stop your pursuit.

 

So stop pursuing her. Wait for her to call you. And if you have caller ID, don't answer. Make her leave a voice mail. If it is really important, then call her back. If not, still don't call her. She will start to realize she lost her power over you. And that, more than anything else, will give you some control of your situation.

[demonfall]

Thank you. I'm starting to realize these things, but it's been hard for me. I know i need to step back and let her come to me. That's part of why I called and told her I couldn't do just friends right now. I did it mostly for my own sanity though.

[Devildog]

There is no magic phrase, written or spoken, that will suddenly melt her heart and have her running back into your arms. Just a Hollywood fantasy.

 

The sooner you stop, and stop completely, the sooner things will improve. Either she will start cautiously reapproaching you, or she will be gone forever. But either way, you will be on the road to recovering from the heartbreak.

[mixwell]

i agree man.. If you are going to go NC and say you dont want to be friends then you have to go by it.. You cannot tell her that you dont want to be friends and then start contacting her again or sending her cards and stuff.. You should just try your hardest to just put your foot down and say NO I will not call her. Boy its going to be tough but I think you can do it if you try. Just keep writing those letters and/or posting on here whenever you feel like you might give in.. Writing letters seems to help me out a lot !! just dont send it though.. so keep us updated on how things are going !! Remember.. YOU are the one that said you didnt want to be friends, so now just back off and let it stew inside of her what she thinks is the best for her.. I know its going to suck but it might be better for the relationship... what do i know though, after all I dont even go by my own advice all the time !!haha

 

take care !!

[demonfall]

I'm really going to try, but it's so hard when we work for the same company. I have to watch what I say at work. Things tend to get twisted around and that's probably part of the problem with us. I need to find a new job to remove the stress and constant reminder of my situation. The only good thing is I always know how she's doing and she asks about me too. Or at least she used to. I don't know how she's reacting to my phone call the other day. For all I know it made her happy I told her I couldn't be friends.

 

This has been so rough on me, and I get really down at least once a day for about a half an hour. I've been taking St. Johns Wort a few times a day for over 2 weeks now, and don't know if it will help or not. Anyone have any experience with this herbal mood enhancer?

[Universe]

I friend of mine used st. john's wort and it totally messed him up. Look it up on the internet. There's a few precautions for using it. It all depends on how depressed you are, why you're depressed, and how much sun light you get. It's a wierd thing.

 

I would have recommended against telling her not to contact you unless you truly want it to be over forever. It's true that you're better off if she doesn't contact you. And you should NOT contact her until you can get your head together. But telling her not to contact you just makes you look weak and needy. Yes, at this point, you are weak and needy and you need to spend some time figuring out how to feel more secure with the current situation and your life in general. But it doesn't really help matters to tell her this. And this is effectively what you've told her by asking her not to contact you.

Mixwell's right. You can't say something like that and then go on contacting her. And Devildog is right to. There's nothing you can say that will change her mind like the Hollywood fantasy (which is so ingrained on all of our consciousnesses that you could almost blame it for single-handedly ruining tons of relationships and chances for reconciliation!)

It sounds like there's still quite a tension between you. The work thing sounds wierd. I would try not to pay much attention to that.

If you want to forget her and leave this whole thing in the past forever, then good luck with NC. Truly, it's the only way to get over someone. But if reconciliation is what you want, then you have to leave the door open for her even if you're temporarily closing it for yourself for the time being. If you're not strong enough to be friends with her despite your needs, then you're no good to her as a partner or a lover. So she won't respect you as one. If you want her to love and respect you, then you have to project the image of calm strength and cool confidence. Since you seem to be having trouble doing this, you need to spend time on your own and not try to contact her at all until you've healed. If she contacts you during that time, you must be pleasant, comfortable, and fun. If she needs you, give her honest friendly advice and don't pour your heart out. You don't need to talk about how you feel anymore. You seem to have done enough of that.

If I were you, I might retract my request for her to not contact me. You might drop her an email or a letter or whatever and just tell her that you were upset and confused when you told her not to contact you and that you are there for her if she needs you. That's all you have to say. Don't go overboard telling her how you want her back or any of that. Just continue with NC until you feel strong enough to start spending quality time with her. Don't expect anything to change any time soon. And you don't want it to. You want to take this time to heal for yourself and figure out what it is that you truly want. You need to be sure of what you want. So take this time to make sure.

If she contacts you and you end up seeing her, then calm yourself down, relax, and try to make your time together as enjoyable as possible. Disregard whatever tension is there and just diffuse it by being pleasant and fun.

 

The answers will come to you in time. Just be patient and let them come. Don't do anything rash. Don't make decisions that will have far-reaching effects. You're not think rationally enough to make those kinds of decisions.

 

Good luck. And be strong.

[demonfall]

I never told her not to contact me. I just told her that I can't be friends right now. That it hurts too much. I told her to call me whenever she wants. The last words I said to her were I love you.

 

Thanks for the advice. Hopefully she will have some time to think about things. I know she's been spending most of her time on the weekends drinking after work though. This might just be a phase for her, I don't know. I hope she starts to miss me and rereads the letters I'd already given her.

 

I need this time to do some healing and figure out what I want. I need to see if I truly can be just friends with her if that's what she wants.

[SoleMate]

Very painful situation, I can see that. However, the other posters are correct. This woman's behavior pattern is to NOT work on r/s problems and then just run away from her current r/s by cheating. Once might be forgivable, but doing it twice makes it a pattern.

 

Would you be willing to marry her, knowing that she could use the slightest "problem" as an excuse to go out, get drunk and get laid? She'll be sorry afterwards, of course.

[demonfall]

Thank you everyone for your help.

 

I talked to her yesterday, to clarify what I said to her about us being friends or not. I wanted to make sure she didn't get the wrong message. Well, after the way she acted during our conversation, I'm not having as big of a problem moving on now. It was like talking to a different person. I'm wondering if I ever really knew her at all, or if this was just a game to her or something. I actually felt better about myself after talking to her. I know I'm still going to miss her every so often, and maybe one day we can still be friends. But at this point I'm perfectly fine with not contacting her again. I told her she can call me whenever she feels like it, and maybe she'll come crawling back someday. Who knows what I'll do if that happens, but I doubt it will anyway.

 

I'll post again if anything new comes up, but don't think I'll be writing anything here soon.

 

Once again, thank you everyone for helping me get through this ordeal.

 

-Tim

[demonfall]

OK, I'm really done with her now.

 

The guy she cheated on me with and was supposedly done with now left a drunken voice mail on her old cell phone. Which is ****ed up because he knows she doesn't have it anymore. I gave the phone to my brother.

 

He said he was looking forward to another sandwich with her and another guy that she works with, or just a one on one. So she's having three ways and who knows what else. Nice. I wonder how long that had been going on and she'd still been sleeping with me.

 

That's just ****ed up. She really wasn't done with that guy like HE had told me, and who knows what other lies I've been told.

 

Done. Moving on.

 

I just feel so sorry for her son, and hope she doesn't do anything to endanger him.

 

This is probably kind of mean, but I had called the police and reported some underage drinking at the restaurant she works at. Hoping that she would get busted. Nothing so far though.

[YssaBoo]

I have to agree with Devildog, stop the contact with her because it just shows her that you will always be there whenever she feels like needing you. I would know, I was like that with my ex. Even though we had a horrible break up I still have feelings for him. I didn't talk to him for about 5 months until out of the blue he contacted me and told me how sorry he was for saying the things that he did. Sometimes you need to give them their space and let them sit back and let them realize how much they really miss you. Trust me, the 'no contact' rule really works. Good luck!