Should I give up hope or try to reconcile?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

My father and I have a pretty bad relationship. My parents separated when I was a baby and then i spent the following 12 years living with my mum and only spending every second weekend with my dad.

 

He lived about 40 min away so he wasn't always happy about picking me up on a friday night and he always let me knew that. He was also drunk 90% of the weekend, as a child I saw it as normal since that was just what daddy was like and he wasn't dangerous either.

 

When I was 12, things changed. He got caught after abusing my step mother at that time when drunk, it took months for her to recover, but he didn't go to jail for it. Before this he had been an "angry drunk" several times which caused my step mother to sleep in the same bed as me and my sister with locked doors because she thought he might hurt us. It might be worth mentioning that she's the kind of step mother Cinderella had.. My real mum didn't know about any of this until my step mother called from the hospital telling me that the police had my father.

 

My dad didn't contact me for more than 3 months, then he had a new house and a new girl and i started to go there again on some weekend. But I always slept with a kitchen knife under my pillow and he was always drunk. We argued a lot because i asked him to be sober the few days i was there, that it'd be nice if he could keep any of the many promises he gave me. But nope. Me and my sister fought a lot when we were there and as the oldest i mostly got the blame.

 

When I was 15 he met a new woman whom i didn't like at all. Me and my dad had a fight about him drinking again and he told me i was just trouble and he told me, completely sober, that he didn't want me to visit him...

 

During the past five years, i met him once a week for about a year to learn how to drive, then we fought about it and i didn't hear from him for over a year. He also forgot two of my birthdays. A year ago my mum drove me to his place for the first time since i was 15 and i was there for about an hour, my dad barely talked to me but i really got along with my step mother. It was my try to reconnect with my dad again.

 

Not only did my dad tell me he didn't want me to come those years ago, his new woman also had a daughter with almost the same name as me, just two years older. He threw out my stuff from the house, gave her my room (she is barely using it at all) and then i wasn't welcome anymore.

 

My dad has only been to two events in my life, once with school and once when i did my confirmation. He ignores most of my birthdays or just send me a text. He thinks I'm just trouble and a freak, especially since I'm completely sober. As young, whenever he had friends over, he brought up everything bad i've ever done and made fun of me even when his friends told him to stop.

Another thing i haven't told anyone was when i was 14 and about to sleep, he came to my room, very drunk, and was fooling around, then he started to tickle me and then got on top of me and i sort of panicked and literally threw him of me across the room (adrenaline rush) and it's been sort of tensed between us since then. I can't get rid of the thought that maybe he'd have raped me because he has never been on me like that before and held me down.

 

My dad literally replaced me (he takes a big part of her life and all) and cut me out of his life. But he's my father and i love spending time with him when he's sober. I love being at his house at the countryside. I loved learning how to drive with him because when he talked on the phone with others he always bragged about how proud he was over me, and my mum always complain on everything i do when driving. Once, 6 years ago, he was very drunk and came to my room when i was trying to sleep and said he was really happy that i was visiting him because he had missed me so much, the next day he didn't remember what he had said at all..

I've begged him for ten years to live with him, especially when i was being abused by my stepfathers, but he refused to let me stay there.

 

My last birthday he and mum had a fight over the phone. Mum was mad at me so i spent 8 hours of my birthday crying in the basement and she refused to let me eat so i texted dad to see if he could get her to allow me to eat. It's the worst argument they've ever had and mum says they'll never talk again. I haven't heard anything from him since then.

 

I've tried to find advice by professionals, but won't get any. They only want to bring up bad memories and ask how it made me feel in the past, even after telling them I'm over most of those things, it's like they try to fuel those bad feelings again so I closed the topic. My mum isn't helpful either but she loves reminding me every day how not even my dad wants me in his life..

 

I miss my dad a lot and i really wish he'd want to be a part of my life and actually try to be a father for once. I tried to reconcile with my dad last year without success, just got empty promises from him and he never called like he promised to...

So what should I do? Can a man really hate his own daughter that much? Should I just give up or try to reconcile again?

 

Please, do not mix this up with my previous threads.

[Tayla]

Its scientifically improbable that this male can love his kin when he has zero love for himself. You are asking a mule to be a throughbred. He is not fatherly material. He is accountable for his actions. When you gain some maturity and a good healthy support system, then maybe confront him. I'm sure when you reflect on matters, you"ll also come to terms with how you handled some incidences, good or bad.... Take care of you... Life is too short to make a long list of what others did to you. Cuz chances are there is a. List out there that has your name on it.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

He is father material to everyone but me.

Gain some maturity? Don't need more than I have, what a rude thing to say!

 

Life is short indeed and I've already wanted too much time to be able to catch up on the life I want..

There's no such list for sure

[Tayla]

My bad. I had assumed (again my bad) for thinking you were of a young age. The term maturity can be defined in various ways... Clearly you interpreted as an insult. Which was not the full context of my post. I"m sure you are both mature and wise. I was wrong to think or convey any supportive words.