Wishing His Wife Knew

[Cocochai]

I made a post in the General section on this board about why after a DDay the BS/MM suddenly wakes up and does what should have been done tru out the M that you did in the beg... Need less to say I got a lot of defensive answers.

 

 

Thats because you assume the issue was with the BS not the MM-its like asking "when did you stop stealing" It assumes the person stole in the first place-its a leading question and the answers reflected that-If you had phrased it like "what did you change about yourself or your marriage...." it might have had a different result but to assume the BS was not doing "what they should have...." is unfair-

 

I also mentioned if he's a natural cake eater from the beginning of your R I'm not talking about ur situation.

 

Clearly SOMETHING went sour for a person who was faithful in the beginning to get attention else where... But NOBODY wasn't to talk about that... It's always the MM/MW fault right???

 

Everybody just wants to blame the cheater when something drove him to look outside of the M. If the M/MW is a selfish person... YOU already knew that before you M that person. You just choice to ignore that it many cases.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Cocochai

[Mickey1982]

Like I mentioned before... Telling can either break or make the M.

 

Either way I told my XMM during the A that once his BS wife found out who I was or she finds my ##, we are off!

 

We were on for a good year and a 1/2 with no worries until his BS found a condom in her vehicle. My XMM told me right away and he was in the middle of stopping the A or resuming it. We were at a very good point in our A and it was hard but he decided to work on his M and that he didn't want to let me go but he felt for the FIRST TIME during our whole A, he could lose his family.

 

We stopped but he reached back out again a week later and it was never the same and in fact... He slipped and said things were actually BETTER in his M.

 

I made a post in the General section on this board about why after a DDay the BS/MM suddenly wakes up and does what should have been done tru out the M that you did in the beg... Need less to say I got a lot of defensive answers.

 

My thing is... It's not up to you to tell it should really be the MM/MW's responsibility to tell and let the spouse know "I need more such and such from you".

 

To this day... I believe my XMM and his BS still have issues off/on and when he said he was going to work on it FOR NOW back in Jan and for us to friends like I wanted to be. I told him... It's not the M that's the problem. But HIM. Our A went off/on for another year and this is the SECOND time he's called things off to work on his M. Maybe I'm the distraction and needs to not respond if he reaches out again.

 

He took a vow... Your XMM should man up and confess. Not you as the OW.

 

Your situation is exactly like mine Cocochai. D-day, the risk and eye-opening event of losing the 'family' is enough for many to walk away from the AP. Even though my exMM has not reached back out, I KNOW deep down, that things could and would NEVER be the same. I have no idea if he has worked things out or not in his marriage, but either way, if he ever reaches out, too much has happened for us to resume the same feelings and situation we had previously.

[Waverly]

I also mentioned if he's a natural cake eater from the beginning of your R I'm not talking about ur situation.

 

Clearly SOMETHING went sour for a person who was faithful in the beginning to get attention else where... But NOBODY wasn't to talk about that... It's always the MM/MW fault right???

 

Everybody just wants to blame the cheater when something drove him to look outside of the M. If the M/MW is a selfish person... YOU already knew that before you M that person. You just choice to ignore that it many cases.

 

It's never the BS's fault when their spouse chooses to cheat. I say that as someone who cheated. It's not my husband's fault. BUT, I wonder if the debate here is really focusing a little bit on the wrong thing. Again, it is NOT my husband's fault that I chose to cheat. But, we are ABSOLUTELY both to blame for the state our marriage was in prior to that. I may have made the worse decision by choosing to go outside of it, and I'm not denying that at all, but my poor choice doesn't absolve him of everything he had contributed to our poor marriage prior to that.

[Cocochai]

It's never the BS's fault when their spouse chooses to cheat. I say that as someone who cheated. It's not my husband's fault. BUT, I wonder if the debate here is really focusing a little bit on the wrong thing. Again, it is NOT my husband's fault that I chose to cheat. But, we are ABSOLUTELY both to blame for the state our marriage was in prior to that. I may have made the worse decision by choosing to go outside of it, and I'm not denying that at all, but my poor choice doesn't absolve him of everything he had contributed to our poor marriage prior to that.

 

You can't control a person cheating on you... But you can still look at the situation, and yourself to see what became of it.

 

Because after a Dday happens or you find out, and MM/MW is willing to stop and work things out, isn't that what you two work on anyway???

 

And your right BOTH are to blame but that doesn't mean I can't ask a question in regards to why is happens... Only after a Dday

Edited April 18, 2014 by Cocochai

[waterwoman]

I also mentioned if he's a natural cake eater from the beginning of your R I'm not talking about ur situation.

 

Clearly SOMETHING went sour for a person who was faithful in the beginning to get attention else where... But NOBODY wasn't to talk about that... It's always the MM/MW fault right???

 

Everybody just wants to blame the cheater when something drove him to look outside of the M. If the M/MW is a selfish person... YOU already knew that before you M that person. You just choice to ignore that it many cases.

 

The something that went sour could be one of a million things. Life changes over the course of a marriage, people change, circumstances change, children are born, parents die, jobs are lost, careers come to an end and new ones start, partners get sick. There could be many things that make life seem sour. You don't know how you, or your partner will cope with any one of these things. Until they happen.

 

I'd have put money on my h never being a cheater. I'd have lost.

 

It isn't a question of the WS being selfish OR the BS doing something wrong. Sometimes it's a perfect storm. Things conspire so that the unthinkable becomes possible. Not acceptable, but possible. Both partners allow this situation to come about without malice or intention. But the final step is the step too far and can not be the fault of the bs. Any WS who fails to recognise that last part is not ready to reconcile IMO.

[snappytomcat]

Mickey, yes our marriage looks a lot like it did before kids and stress. We had a good marriage during his affair, it was he that was damaged not our marriage. Our marriage looked a lot like most 40 something's marriages. But now he has become like we were in the early years. He is attentive and open. He makes sure we get lots of couple time and as much as it will hurt you to hear this he is a better husband now. There is a lot of pain mixed in there as well so I'm not whitewashing it.

 

He is back to who he should have been all along. As for me, I was always thoughtful and attentive but took my lead from him. If he wanted to skip date night I was fine with that. If he was on business and said he was turning in early I was fine with a phone call at 7 and not before bed. I was fine with all of that not because I didn't care, but because I trusted him and took him at his word. During the A his word wasn't worth much, but now it is.

 

Does that make sense?

getting stronger,thats how our marriage is now,i feel like our old marriage died,but now we have a new one,we are like teenagers again.

and as far as bs wanting to know about an affair,YES I would have wanted to know way earlier than I did,i think most bs,want to know.

I found out,not directly from the ow,but it was a bday card she had sent to my ws,a year before,and he had hid it in the bottom of his desk in the garage,and last june I needed my social security card,and I asked if he had seen it,and he told me to look inhis desk,forgetting that card was in there,thats when the sh*t hit the fan,

and to the ow/om who think the ws just gets off like nothing happened,please believe me they do not,and sometimes it takes months of hell

[QuakerOats]

Not like she has a right to know that the person she married is a lying scumpig. No, that would never do. I think you should tell her.

 

 

Mezmer, I've just got to ask, are you for real? Did you just revive a month old thread of mine so you could spew more anger?

[Pastypop]

Just found out the eMM's daughter named her new car that she loves the same name as mine. Guessing that he never revealed my identity to his wife on Dday. It's crazy.

[QuakerOats]

Just found out the eMM's daughter named her new car that she loves the same name as mine. Guessing that he never revealed my identity to his wife on Dday. It's crazy.

 

 

Yeah. My exMM never even had a d day...I doubt his wife has any idea.

[SolG]

I also mentioned if he's a natural cake eater from the beginning of your R I'm not talking about ur situation.

 

Clearly SOMETHING went sour for a person who was faithful in the beginning to get attention else where... But NOBODY wasn't to talk about that... It's always the MM/MW fault right???

 

Everybody just wants to blame the cheater when something drove him to look outside of the M. If the M/MW is a selfish person... YOU already knew that before you M that person. You just choice to ignore that it many cases.

 

Hi Cocochai :-) I'm a fellow OW. I understand your confusion. I'll try and clarify what some others here are getting at. I've read and researched extensively and talked to my MM so much about this type of thing that I think I've reached some conclusions.

 

Every WS has a stimulus of some variety that leads them to the point where they choose to have an affair. It could be dissatisfaction with their marriage, it could be work pressure, it could be inflated ego and sense of entitlement... or a million other things... with a million different variations and combinations. But at the end of the day all adults have a choice as to how they respond to stimuli; we are all responsible for our own actions. So when a WS makes a decision to engage in an affair (generally to avoid rather than face the stimulus) they do so of their own volition. Their BS does not make them. The BS may have 50% of the responsibility for the state of the M; but they have 0% for the WS's choice to address it in such an avoidant and destructive way. Even if the BS is the biggest shrew of all time, he or she is still not responsible for the A, the WS is for being too cowardly to address this with their spouse and using another (the AP) to help them assuage their hurt.

 

So after DDay, why do BSs kick into gear? Because a lot of the time this is the first really direct message that they have gotten from their WS that there is something seriously wrong (as opposed to general disquiet). Remember, the WS has generally been using the A as a way to avoid addressing issues... and DDay can be the antidote to that avoidance that makes them face reality directly. And part of that reality is also the extent to which they've hurt their partner and they feel immense guilt. Throw all this together, and the stage is set for some very emotional examination and renegotiaton of the relationship. It's not that after DDay everyone just spontaneously starts trying... it's more often that at that point they really realise they have to, and WANT to try.

 

It's not that they don't love we OW while they have us... It's just that sometimes our purpose is served when the WS gets to that moment. When they start to realise what they were using our love/their love of us to hide from. Not always, but a lot of the time. More WSs will stay with their BSs, than not. (This is true of MMs.)

 

Sorry for the thread jack... Back to the original topic... I'm in the don't tell and stay clear camp. It's for the WS to disclose.

Edited May 17, 2014 by SolG

[AmyBamy]

Yeah. My exMM never even had a d day...I doubt his wife has any idea.

 

Or she might know. I've learned over the years that many many marriages carry on with infidelity because nobody wants to talk about it or do the work necessary to fix the issues. Some BSs even find it's a better deal for them and look the other way. I doubt that there are very many people who are really blindsided with infidelity if they really think about their relationship and look at it without the blinders. I was shocked at first when my ex Husband had an affair and I found out until I thought about it a minute. I've learned that relationships are many layered things and many people are willing to cling to a relationship no matter how unfulfilling it may be because they know it and are used to it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hey quaker, I haven't read all the replies and I know you were just having a bad day, not intending to actually tell her. I agree with you. It's the WS's place to do so - he's the one married to her.

 

Also, just like it's always that we can't know what really goes on in a marriage, it applies to this too. No one can predict the dynamics and the BS may not want to know (the one in my situation didn't). You may be doing way more damage than good.

[QuakerOats]

Hey quaker, I haven't read all the replies and I know you were just having a bad day, not intending to actually tell her. I agree with you. It's the WS's place to do so - he's the one married to her.

 

Also, just like it's always that we can't know what really goes on in a marriage, it applies to this too. No one can predict the dynamics and the BS may not want to know (the one in my situation didn't). You may be doing way more damage than good.

 

 

Yeah, well obviously I didn't do it. I stopped posting on this thread over a month ago but Mezmer revived it for some reason. I have no intentions of telling her. It's over. He'll never tell her, but frankly, I don't care.

[Cocochai]

Hi Cocochai :-) I'm a fellow OW. I understand your confusion. I'll try and clarify what some others here are getting at. I've read and researched extensively and talked to my MM so much about this type of thing that I think I've reached some conclusions.

 

Every WS has a stimulus of some variety that leads them to the point where they choose to have an affair. It could be dissatisfaction with their marriage, it could be work pressure, it could be inflated ego and sense of entitlement... or a million other things... with a million different variations and combinations. But at the end of the day all adults have a choice as to how they respond to stimuli; we are all responsible for our own actions. So when a WS makes a decision to engage in an affair (generally to avoid rather than face the stimulus) they do so of their own volition. Their BS does not make them. The BS may have 50% of the responsibility for the state of the M; but they have 0% for the WS's choice to address it in such an avoidant and destructive way. Even if the BS is the biggest shrew of all time, he or she is still not responsible for the A, the WS is for being too cowardly to address this with their spouse and using another (the AP) to help them assuage their hurt.

 

So after DDay, why do BSs kick into gear? Because a lot of the time this is the first really direct message that they have gotten from their WS that there is something seriously wrong (as opposed to general disquiet). Remember, the WS has generally been using the A as a way to avoid addressing issues... and DDay can be the antidote to that avoidance that makes them face reality directly. And part of that reality is also the extent to which they've hurt their partner and they feel immense guilt. Throw all this together, and the stage is set for some very emotional examination and renegotiaton of the relationship. It's not that after DDay everyone just spontaneously starts trying... it's more often that at that point they really realise they have to, and WANT to try.

 

It's not that they don't love we OW while they have us... It's just that sometimes our purpose is served when the WS gets to that moment. When they start to realise what they were using our love/their love of us to hide from. Not always, but a lot of the time. More WSs will stay with their BSs, than not. (This is true of MMs.)

 

Sorry for the thread jack... Back to the original topic... I'm in the don't tell and stay clear camp. It's for the WS to disclose.

 

Hey thanks for the view on this topic, I haven't been on here in awhile and I do understand on the point of "it's never the BS's fault when a person decides to cheat... It's a choice and there are other positive ways to address issues in the M.

 

I know M can be hard at times (I've heard several M couples say this).. But as a former OW for over two years I simply see that the OW serves a purpose for whatever reason(s), the MM isnt getting at home. And I truly believe it's 100% selfish reasons. No matter how much you care/love or have great chemistry.. Over time you will be in a controlled situation only on their terms.

 

I asked my XMM why he cheats on his BS when we first stared to A and his response was "I don't know why I do what I do but, she doesn't deserve it"...

 

Fast forward two years later when I asks him why he suddenly pulls away and stops communication for a month or two then gets back in contact. he tells me directly "all I can give you is sex and you deserve better, that's why I try to keep my distance from you".

 

That was an eye opener for myself and I haven't had the strong feelings for him since. It's weird even tho I knew that through out the A..

 

In fact, I could careless if the BS never knows of his cheating ways while he gets off scotch free. I'm not even counting how long it's been since we last communicated and that right there shows I've truly moved on. I just know I won't be the one involved if he ever gets caught.

 

Thread starter, I got off your topic but when you get to that point of no longer caring for your XMM.. You won't even think of making topics like these anymore. I hope you are doing okay since you last made this topic.

[Koopa]

OP, I was once the OM in an A and I know how lonely it can be. A lot of haters on this website like to insult people like us but seem to have no idea what its like to be in our position.

 

Somehow I don't know how it happened but the BS in the A I was involved in found out and I came clean to him, while I was worried he was going to hunt me down for some time. I eventually realized what a huge relief it was to shed that secret and move on.

 

I does hurt, I thought I was in love her but I have realized that she is not a faithful person and not someone I would want to have a future with.

 

My advice to you, come clean let her know, then move on with your life.