goodyblue Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 the marriage might fail anyway, he was half out the door once he started being unfaithful, alert her and she will work out why he was slipping away, and might improve herself to be more attractive, do not take a risk, wait instead for them to get bored all over again - I mean what spouse (him) goes out without their partner unless they are avoiding them? he has history of being half out of the door already, bored, see, my two cents is wait Wut? Why would this be bad? If the marriage could be rekindled, what's the problem? He may have been half out the door, but he's half in, too. I may be FOW but I still believe if there is a chance for the marriage and they both want to make it work they should try if it is what they both want. This is just a weird thing to say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Still NC and not telling her, but I'm in a foul mood today and wishing he was as alone as I am. His wife doesn't know about his affair, of this i'm pretty certain. Some days I wish she knew so his life wasn't so cozy. Oh well. If you didn't care about the BS during the affair, why care about her after? You didn't care to tell her during, why bother now. Telling her for a malicious intent would be telling for the wrong reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Quaker, I had a lot of revenge fantasies (as a BS) and most (all) of them would have resulted in jail time (or a needle). So to me yours are pretty tame and healthy. To a point. Write the note to her, then burn it. Write the long email detailing everything, then delete it. You already got involved in their marriage, you don't need to reinsert yourself now that you are out of it. You got out, it doesn't mater how, you are out. Don't put yourself back there. The only thing this will accomplish is causing more pain, and because you started it, you will be dealing with the back lash. From her, him, or just yourself. Wanting to cause him and her pain, I totally get that. Actually doing it will hurt you too. (experience talking here) Let go of the anger. Stop worrying about their lives. And go find a great one for yourself. You are doing amazing, keep moving forward. The further you go the less you will care about them because they will be so far behind you as to be irrelevant. I've done this. Written notes then threw them out. It does help. By the way, I have no desire to cause her pain. My revenge fantasy is directed at him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 If you didn't care about the BS during the affair, why care about her after? You didn't care to tell her during, why bother now. Telling her for a malicious intent would be telling for the wrong reason. Yeah, well...if you actually read the thread you'll see I have no plans of telling her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 If you didn't care about the BS during the affair, why care about her after? You didn't care to tell her during, why bother now. Telling her for a malicious intent would be telling for the wrong reason. Blah, I forgot to finish, lol. Now if you wanted to tell her because she deserves to know, or to keep him from breaking NC, then it would be for a good reason. PS. I know that it was just a revenge fantasy, I'm jsut following along with the discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I, for one, applaud your courage. I personally do not care if revenge, for some, IS the motive. Disclosure, no matter what the motive, winds up being the right thing to do. I reiterate: WHICH OW would NOT want to know that lying MM was NOT being exclusive with them? Virtually all, I would venture. The idea of telling the spouse of the OTHER AP, MM, MW after an affair has ended is not something I've ever been able to get on board with. When the affair is "working", or enjoyable, there are a list of reasons, excuses, justifications given for why the AP started or continues in the relationship, despite it being fundamentally "wrong" on several levels. The spouse of your AP who is in the dark gets little to no thought, empathy or concern. Yet AFTER the affair is over, no matter the reason, that same person suddenly finds a list of NEW reasons why telling is the "right" thing to do. I've never bought into that theory, even a little. To say, at this point, that your AP's spouse deserves to know (now that there's essentially nothing left to be gained by the one who's been hurt or left behind), just wreaks of hypocrisy and self-centeredness. You can give reasons nine ways to Sunday for why you suddenly believe it's noble to play the role of the "truth whisperer", and some of those reasons might actually carry weight in terms of benefitting the BS, but don't ask me to believe that your (general you) motive for informing him/her comes from an altruistic place. If you really want to do your AP's BS a favor that badly, this would be much easier for everyone... just stay out of both of their lives moving forward. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Quaker, you never mentioned hurting her. I apologize for saying him and her. lol that was my reflections coloring my post to you. Continue doing what you need to do to heal and move forward. My mouth used to water at the thought of doing something hurtful to him and her. In the end, I realized it just kept me tied to them. You are doing great. Keep it up. FoolishOW, two thumbs up. I agree. If you had no plans during the A to tell them, don't tell them after. I think it is just another way of lashing out and punishing other people for your pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 I agree that it hypocritical to suddenly feel the spouse "needs to know" after the affair is done. I'll admit I wouldn't be disappointed if the BS figured it out on her own...saw his phone records, whatever and held him accountable. It doesn't thrill me to think of him settling back into his homelife as if nothing happened, but there isn't anything I can do about that other than move on myself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Moving on yourself would be the best course of action for YOU. I disagree that you can't add a little stress to his life by telling him that you're going to tell. I remember as a child that the WORST punishment was my parents telling me that I would be in big trouble when I got home. So threaten to tell at a holiday of your choosing! Or let it go and move on, which would be most healthy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Ok so everyone else expressed why you should or shouldn't so I will do the same. I am a BS and the heck if I would want him to get away with betraying me. I don't want or deserve a false life. He once said he wished it had turned out the way he planned, that it would have ended and I never found out. I almost slugged him. How freaking selfish that statement was. He claims it was to spare me pain. I said no way you own this pain and you need to see it in all it's ugliness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Ok so everyone else expressed why you should or shouldn't so I will do the same. I am a BS and the heck if I would want him to get away with betraying me. I don't want or deserve a false life. He once said he wished it had turned out the way he planned, that it would have ended and I never found out. I almost slugged him. How freaking selfish that statement was. He claims it was to spare me pain. I said no way you own this pain and you need to see it in all it's ugliness. So how did you find out if you were not told? Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I agree that it hypocritical to suddenly feel the spouse "needs to know" after the affair is done. I'll admit I wouldn't be disappointed if the BS figured it out on her own...saw his phone records, whatever and held him accountable. It doesn't thrill me to think of him settling back into his homelife as if nothing happened, but there isn't anything I can do about that other than move on myself. Quaker, I think your feelings are understandable. The "consequences" of the situation feel lopsided because you're feeling hurt while it appears he got out without a scratch. You may continue for a while to wish that he'd have to face the music, but as your life evolves back to "normal" (with much better things going on), you'll begin to care less and less. You're out of that unfortunate mess, Quaker. Prepare for great things... they're coming! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Sorry I was not clear, I did find out. I received an anon text. I followed up and boom. He wishes that he had ended it and that I never found out. That still makes me mad that he said that. Does that make more sense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Yes, that makes sense. I assume the anonymous text was from the OW? In the end, it sounds that you are actually glad that the OW contacted you (or at tleast that you found out). Are you still with your H? Does he think that he could have slipped back into marriage as usual without you noticing anything? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Yes I assume it was the OW. Yes, I am glad to know. And yes, he could have easily slipped back in as we had no major issues. It was a pure selfish ego boost on his part. I was blindsided, still am. And yes, we are still together but that'sy choice based on truth and as much as it sucks it beats living a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Yes I assume it was the OW. Yes, I am glad to know. And yes, he could have easily slipped back in as we had no major issues. It was a pure selfish ego boost on his part. I was blindsided, still am. And yes, we are still together but that'sy choice based on truth and as much as it sucks it beats living a lie. gettingstronger, just asking you for an honest opinion as you are a BS....do you beliieve that when the BS finds out about the affair and reconsiliation is agreed upon, the marriage recovers and repairs into a marraige stronger and 'better' than it was prior to the revelation of the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 gettingstronger, just asking you for an honest opinion as you are a BS....do you beliieve that when the BS finds out about the affair and reconsiliation is agreed upon, the marriage recovers and repairs into a marraige stronger and 'better' than it was prior to the revelation of the affair? In my case, yes. 100% stronger better marriage. Crappy way to get there tho. But I can't change the past. And I sure do look forward to our future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Still NC and not telling her, but I'm in a foul mood today and wishing he was as alone as I am. His wife doesn't know about his affair, of this i'm pretty certain. Some days I wish she knew so his life wasn't so cozy. Oh well. So I wanted to comment on a different aspect. It does suck rocks that the married cheating person is not left alone like the single OW, OM. Last time I went away for a few days with MM and we were late getting back to his city, which made me even later getting home. The next day I remember grousing how nice is must be to have someone do your laundry, keep the house and yard up and not have to do EVERYTHING. So, I know what you're saying. It is miserable to be left alone and not have someone care taking. It is just another caveat that makes be an Other a raw deal. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Mickey, yes our marriage looks a lot like it did before kids and stress. We had a good marriage during his affair, it was he that was damaged not our marriage. Our marriage looked a lot like most 40 something's marriages. But now he has become like we were in the early years. He is attentive and open. He makes sure we get lots of couple time and as much as it will hurt you to hear this he is a better husband now. There is a lot of pain mixed in there as well so I'm not whitewashing it. He is back to who he should have been all along. As for me, I was always thoughtful and attentive but took my lead from him. If he wanted to skip date night I was fine with that. If he was on business and said he was turning in early I was fine with a phone call at 7 and not before bed. I was fine with all of that not because I didn't care, but because I trusted him and took him at his word. During the A his word wasn't worth much, but now it is. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 If I were an OW, there's not a chance in hell I would want to tell, because of this kind of thing... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/470158-my-husband-had-emotional-affair The OW came forward, and the BS took it upon herself to contact the OW's mother to try to make the OW's life hell. I would not want to have that kind of ire coming my way if I could help it. Your comment made me laugh,"not a chance in hell... ", just because I think I could imagine the facial expression that went along with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 (edited) Like I mentioned before... Telling can either break or make the M. Either way I told my XMM during the A that once his BS wife found out who I was or she finds my ##, we are off! We were on for a good year and a 1/2 with no worries until his BS found a condom in her vehicle. My XMM told me right away and he was in the middle of stopping the A or resuming it. We were at a very good point in our A and it was hard but he decided to work on his M and that he didn't want to let me go but he felt for the FIRST TIME during our whole A, he could lose his family. We stopped but he reached back out again a week later and it was never the same and in fact... He slipped and said things were actually BETTER in his M. I made a post in the General section on this board about why after a DDay the BS/MM suddenly wakes up and does what should have been done tru out the M that you did in the beg... Need less to say I got a lot of defensive answers. My thing is... It's not up to you to tell it should really be the MM/MW's responsibility to tell and let the spouse know "I need more such and such from you". To this day... I believe my XMM and his BS still have issues off/on and when he said he was going to work on it FOR NOW back in Jan and for us to friends like I wanted to be. I told him... It's not the M that's the problem. But HIM. Our A went off/on for another year and this is the SECOND time he's called things off to work on his M. Maybe I'm the distraction and needs to not respond if he reaches out again. He took a vow... Your XMM should man up and confess. Not you as the OW. Edited April 18, 2014 by Cocochai Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I made a post in the General section on this board about why after a DDay the BS/MM suddenly wakes up and does what should have been done tru out the M that you did in the beg... Need less to say I got a lot of defensive answers. Thats because you assume the issue was with the BS not the MM-its like asking "when did you stop stealing" It assumes the person stole in the first place-its a leading question and the answers reflected that-If you had phrased it like "what did you change about yourself or your marriage...." it might have had a different result but to assume the BS was not doing "what they should have...." is unfair- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I don't believe in disclosure. It puts you at risk for horrible things. I never spoke to my guy's ex. I haven't even now, when they are D and we are together. I keep my distance, and thankfully she keeps hers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 It must be crappy for the BSs to read about instances where the WS pretends to be working on the marriage but is still carrying on the affair after d day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 It must be crappy for the BSs to read about instances where the WS pretends to be working on the marriage but is still carrying on the affair after d day. No doubt, but each of us has to remember that its not their relationship they are reading about-just like the OW can at times be bruised reading about successful reconciliation and think "ugh, I meant nothing"- I think deep down we all know our situations, its just finding that deep down thats difficult- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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