Walking away from family

[i.want.out.]

Hello all,

 

So, I have become more and more daring with my parents (I spent a few days away from home when I am not allowed to spend days away from home when I need to attend workshops/conferences/events for my doctoral research!).

 

Yet, although things have quietened, I realised that this does not last. For example, on Monday, I went to another city and when I told my mum, she told me off on the phone. I ended it by saying 'bye mom', upon which she switched off the phone.

 

Why won't they let me get away from home? My mum said she does not trust girls who do that (apparently, I will open my legs to dudes...She did not say it explicitly,but I realised it's what she meant by immoral behaviour).

 

And.....

 

 

my family is very bullyish: one language works: physical violence and violent verbal communication (with my siblings, my parents don't beat us up, but they allow my siblings to be, to discipline, because the intention is more important than the method of communication).

 

BUT THEY JUST WON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEMSELVES. I am tired of trying to show them they're wrong. It's me who is messed up!

 

I found a flat available for September.... It might be a bit above what I would normally pay, but it's a good location, next to my faculty.

 

 

Anyways, the question is:

 

- how not to feel guilty that I am leaving them? They ate having quite a few problems with relatives doing bad stuff to them... This will add to their problems.

[nescafe1982]

How old are you? And what country are you in?

 

I would argue that if your working on your PhD, you're plenty old enough and self-sufficient enough to be out on your own. In the US, it would be considered odd to be living with one's parents at this stage of your life.

 

Don't feel guilty about growing up. Make your move, and determine how much contact you wish to have with your family. If you want to see them sometimes, do it on your schedule and when you can control your presence (meaning if they get abusive, you are free to leave). If you decide you do not want to see them for a while, don't.

 

But moving on and moving out is a normal part fo becoming an adult. You might even find that your feelings about your relationship with your family improves after you move out and establish some new distance. This is how it happened for me!

 

But this isn't some kind of betrayal. You are simply growing up. And that's a good thing!

[VeronicaRoss]

Nescafe makes a good point, what country and which religion are you in?

 

Overall the best advice I could give to anyone is when you want others to change -- don't try. It locks you in a struggle with them that will drain energy and hurt the goodwill between you. It actually is a huge act of disrespect to attempt it. So it isn't appropriate. You need to show them how to treat you through your own example of how you manage your life and what you allow them to say to you. You need to tell them how they can treat you, and then you follow up by walking out or otherwise becoming more distant if they won't respect your wishes.

 

They don't have to like it, that's not your responsibility.

 

Feelings of guilt as you leave are almost universal, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong. And that as the years go on they will come to depend upon you in new ways. That will be easier if all of you know you're a strong adult on your own. I'm the youngest in my family but my mom trusts me the most, I also challenged the family rules more than anyone -- rightfully so. It doesn't mean you have to be unkind about it. The less angry you are and the more simply firm you are with less back and forth argument, the more effective.

 

Breaking free of parental rules took me about 20 years! Improved the quality of my life every time I increased the distance emotionally or literally! When I went to college, I went to another state. I had to grow up a lot. It helped me gain the respect and trust of myself and my parents too.

 

If I were you, I'd go find an advisor of some kind that you can trust and literally write down the boundaries you want and need with your family, what you can do to support those boundaries and very importantly, what you can say and do when your boundaries are challenged.

 

Welcome to the world of the grown up where you are now raising yourself. Best part of life imho.

[pink_sugar]

My dad wasn't happy when I moved out at 18, nor when I decided to move out of the area at almost 25. My family is full of drama as well. I'm happy to be away from it and keep visitation with relatives to a minimum. You can too. I agree with the others that it is a bit odd that you haven't already lived on your own even though you're completing your PhD. It's time to move out.