Suspicious of BF's "open-mindedness" about relationships??

[mistygirl]

hi again

 

I have a bit of an odd question that has a complicated background. hope some one can help.

 

I have been with my BF for 6 yrs now. we have had a good relationship so far, little fighting, we talk about our problems, things like that.

 

however there is one thing about him that worries and scares me: he has very open-minded ideas about relationships and marriage and etc.

 

he believes that monogomy is against human nature as most human cultures are NOT monogomous. he thinks that if two people are a couple and one wants to add another person to the relationship, it is okay as long as both people in the couple are okay with it. he thinks that if a man can maintain two families in two seperate places, it is okay, as long as the man is not neglacting or hurting either family, paying equal attention to both, etc.

 

he thinks that love is not something that is limited to just one person, a person can love multiple people, and as long as no one is hurt or neglacted, it is okay.

 

I have told him that I do NOT believe in polyamory (multiple lovers) and i am not interestid in "sharing" my BF with anyone else, nor would I go after another man while I was with my BF. he knows that I am monogomous and I would be very jealous if he went out with anyone else or tryed to add someone else to our relationship. he also said that he thinks love and sex can be sepereted, but our society in America frowns on that and frowns on people who break monogomy.

 

I asked him straight out if he wanted to do something like that. he made some joking response and did not seem to take it seriously at all. should I be suspicious or worried??? I know he doesnt want to hurt me and he knows how much it would if he did that, but should I check up on him??

[GirlDown]

well if he already feels that way, what's to say he's not "sharing the love" with other people now?

 

it's not okay if it's not okay with you.

[Merin]

Well said Girldown.. if it's not okay with you, then yeah.. it's not okay.

 

My EXH decided he wanted to "try" an open relationship..

 

I decided to give him one so open it would be like we weren't married anymore.. because we aren't.

This is a serious issue.. that IMO the BOTH of you need to be in agreement on.. either it's okay for both or it's not for both.

[bluechocolate]

6 years?

 

When does his "openness" kick in?

 

he also said that he thinks love and sex can be seperated

 

Actually I would agree with that statement, but recreational sex is something one engages in whilst single, unless of course, like the others have both mentioned, you are both in agreement.

 

If you both have fundamental differences on what constitutes a healthy relationship it's difficult to see how you can be together, but somehow you've managed for 6 years, so maybe he's just trying to wind you up or something.

[zilverenvlinder]

What a psycho.

 

It sounds like he wants to be a Mormon.

 

And maybe have a threesome.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Has he always had this view in life? He may well feel this way, or he may feel this way only in the context of your relationship. Your guy sounds just like the guy I was supposed to be engaged to, but used various viewpoints like this to try to convince me of what you boyfriend is convincing you of. Eventually we broke up - he dumped me, to be specific. A few years later, I hear about how he had his wedding where he lives and then a huge romantic double ring ceremony in Rome, as well to top it off. So, I guess his ideas of what marriage meant to him meant something completely different with a different woman.

 

It would be hard to figure out whether he is sincere about how he feels (unorthodox, but not unheard of), or if he feels this way only with this particular relationship. Hopefully after six years you are open enough with him to let him know that you do not share his views, and that you expect to be married to him. He has a right to feel the way he does, and you have a right to feel the way you do: now the tricky part - making the necessary compromises/adjustments which will leave both of you having an acceptable amount of needs being met.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Has he always had this view in life? He may well feel this way, or he may feel this way only in the context of your relationship. Your guy sounds just like the guy I was supposed to be engaged to, but used various viewpoints like this to try to convince me of what you boyfriend is convincing you of. Eventually we broke up - he dumped me, to be specific. A few years later, I hear about how he had his wedding where he lives and then a huge romantic double ring ceremony in Rome, as well to top it off. So, I guess his ideas of what marriage meant to him meant something completely different with a different woman.

 

 

hey, the granduer of his wedding may not indicate that his feelings have changed...he may be just as much into the way he was as ever...

 

think of that if you ever miss him...