Sometimes I Just Need Him to Listen

[mercuryshadow]

My FI and I are about a month away from our wedding. We're both under a bit of stress, obviously, and have been bickering a bit more than usual. That said, I've noticed that my FI has begun to show an increasing pattern of wanting to control things. I don't know if he's always harbored this trait and it just didn't bother me before, or if it's become more prominent over time, but I do feel that it's a trait he gets from his father.

 

 

The way it's been manifesting with my FI is more subtle than what I see with his father, but it's very frustrating, to say the least. I feel as though it's more and more frequently that he won't let me speak without interrupting, or hearing me out. And he seems to be intent on having the last word, which is fine by me, but sometimes he just won't drop things. I've noticed an increase in this behavior ever since he was promoted to a managerial position at his job.

 

 

By no means is he nasty to me, and I think he means well, but I'm having a hard time dealing with this dynamic lately. It's as if his mindset is that of: "If it wasn't my idea, it's not valid." That's the best way I can describe it. There are times when I have an idea that he initially opposes or writes off, only to later claim it as his own, and yeah, I let him think it was his idea all along. lol.

 

 

Anyway, I have tried speaking with him about this, and he takes it very personally. He thinks I'm making a personal attack on him, which is not my intention at all. I love him, he's a wonderful man with so many fantastic qualities, and he's going to make the best step-father for my son... Like I said, though, this I something I believe he learned from his father, and his father's dynamic with FI's mother. I don't want to end up like them, they aren't a happy couple. Also, in light of the title of this post, sometimes all I need is for him to just LISTEN, not to push advice on me, and then subsequently get annoyed or offended when I don't utilize it... sometimes, I just need someone to talk to about things.

 

Anyone have any suggestions, insight or advice? Thanks!

Edited April 16, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[d0nnivain]

Read a book called Men are From Mars & Women are from Venus.

 

 

When you talk to men, they want to give you a solution & then implement it. Women just want somebody to talk to somebody to listen. It's a different communications style.

 

 

Try telling him that sometimes you would like him to simply listen without immediately trying to fix what's wrong.

[Radu]

Read a book called Men are From Mars & Women are from Venus.

 

 

When you talk to men, they want to give you a solution & then implement it. Women just want somebody to talk to somebody to listen. It's a different communications style.

 

 

Try telling him that sometimes you would like him to simply listen without immediately trying to fix what's wrong.

 

Second this.

 

Women often see communication ['i just want him to listen'] as a way to emotionally discharge, to reduce the stress from their daily lives.

 

Men are more logically driven [with the ups and downs that are associated with this], so when we face this we think that what is asked of us is a solution, when in fact one is really not needed.

 

It's something that he will need to understand, so what ways to get his attention have you tried ?

Personally, if my future SO came to me and explained this in a rational logical way, after saying 'this is how we, women tend to think' ... i'd probably be think i massively lucked out.

[mercuryshadow]

donnivain & Radu, your points here make a lot of sense. This is definitely, at least in part, a "wiring issue." The only times I've tried to tell him how I feel were in the midst of my frustration at him trying to impose immediate advice upon me, sometimes before I'm even finished speaking. I'll approach it tonight, from a calm place.

 

 

 

 

How about his "if it's not my idea, it's not valid" attitude? Does this tie in? For instance, we were contemplating colors to paint our TV room. I pointed out a nice sandy beige with red undertones, because our plush carpeting is a cranberry red. He immediately dismissed the color for some reason (I don't remember why) and began pining over other colors. Eventually, he went back to my color suggestion, and claimed it as his own, and decided to go with it. I laughed to myself over this... but this is starting to happen with EVERYTHING. Or, if I'm cooking, and he sees that I'm not doing something the way HE thinks it should be done, he'll hover over me... and try to plead his case until I give in or feel on the verge of walking away and letting him handle things. If these things happened only once in a while, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but they occur almost every day, and dealing with it is starting to wear me thin. Any insight on this aspect of his behavior?

[Radu]

Does he read Dilbert ?

 

Maybe you should have a choice of strips with the PHB [Pointy Haired Boss], a guy who likes to hover micromanage his employees and show them to him.

 

It's probably related to his job.

[Tayla]

I took a communication course .Communication and listening can be learned. Where men fail (generally ) is on the empathetic response level in conversations. Its not to say that a women is any better though on the brevity men require for response. I found that garnering proper gauging of what is being conveyed is either indicative of an analytical response or a compassionate one. Sounds like your mate could use a course in empathetic response, and you may need to simply echo how that sounds. We learn from others. How often do you respond to him in the way you would want to be responded? Try different styles of approach , we say more thru body language then our words...

[mercuryshadow]

I don't think he reads Dilbert, but perhaps he should!

 

 

Tayla, thank you. I understand what you are saying. Up until now, this issue has been poorly handled, I will completely admit to that. It's usually when I'm at the end of my rope that I inform him of how I'm feeling. I was able to approach him in a calm moment yesterday, and just have a heart to heart. He told me that he'd try. That's all I can ask for.