The Soul Mate Myth

[mrnova66]

I have a 40 year old coleague that would kill herself about now.

She tries very hard and has almost no standards anymore, she would take anyone.

She isn't particularly pretty, but noone want's her, it's quite sad.

So i am sure that some people are just not ment to be, they are unappealing or just lack what it takes to be able to Keep a partner.

I also fit in there somewhere, and won't change my mind until it happens ofc .

 

It's normal for people to have some standards, i bet most don't even aim high, i don't. I don't ask for something i can't give in return, but i won't just take anyone, like i mentioned before.

 

Some stuff i ask for: Don't be some overweight 90-100kg lady, don't be lazy and work, funny loving personality so we get along. I don't even ****ing aim high in the looks department except the weight.

I can get phisically attracted and love someone if they are interesting, it growns on me.

 

So accept the fact, there isn't a someone for everyone. I am as sure of this as the air i breath, some people are ment to be alone.

Spot on with this post. I agree 100%. Then when you get to a certain age and done all the right things and still have not gotten no where but misery. At that time most sane people give up. In other word I have people dish out crap and given roses. And there are some people dish out roses and given crap in return. And of course society will blame the victim.

[janedoe67]

I don't remember where I heard this, but I have always liked it:

 

We don't MEET our soulmates; we MAKE them.

[Under The Radar]

I don't remember where I heard this, but I have always liked it:

 

We don't MEET our soulmates; we MAKE them.

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly ...... there is no "one" ...... the idea of a "one" is a lie we all grew up believing.

 

 

However, the cool thing about the "one", is that it is a choice for many of us.

 

 

In other words, the person we marry, or desire a LTR with, is OUR one because we deem it so.

 

 

*I* am calling this person ...... who I love very much ...... good and bad ...... warts and all ...... my own individual "one" because it is right for *ME*.

[janedoe67]

This morning I couldn't find my sole mate....one of my shoes was hiding under the bad.

 

Sorry, I had to do it.

[SadNLonley]

At 43 I do believe in soul mates and I think I found and lost mine. The one human being on the planet that got me. We meshed. Felt like we've known each other forever. One that I was so comfortable with that I could do or say anything to.

 

Prior to that i was with my husband for almost 20 years. Felt nowhere near this.

 

I think it happens. At my age, i dont have high hopes of finding anyone that I feel the same way about.

[Under The Radar]

Perhaps for some women. Not for me or I think most males. A woman is often looking for a mate suitable for marriage, father of her children, provider, etc. Thus why women 'want to get married'. We learn to love our guy just like Marge loves Homer and Wilma loves Fred. Both those gals could have done a lot better and should have.

 

In 2014 Fewer women have this need or desire to settle into some marriage like it is settling into a comfortable chair. I don't settle for a 'sort of ' acceptable guy.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't disagree with your post ......

 

 

...... but you missed my point.

[janedoe67]

Perhaps for some women. Not for me or I think most males. A woman is often looking for a mate suitable for marriage, father of her children, provider, etc. Thus why women 'want to get married'. We learn to love our guy just like Marge loves Homer and Wilma loves Fred. Both those gals could have done a lot better and should have.

 

In 2014 Fewer women have this need or desire to settle into some marriage like it is settling into a comfortable chair. I don't settle for a 'sort of ' acceptable guy.

 

Ewww, even if I did believe that soul mates are "mystical," I'd never become mystical with Fred or Homer. Just no. I bet neither of them like Monty Python or The Cure or Star Trek or Kissing.

[SunsetWay]

The concept of soul mates, imo, stems from deeply soulful connections with others that you may or may not experience in your lifetime. They exist. I have met mine. I highly doubt that I will ever experience a connection like that again. There's a saying for that too: once in a lifetime. After you experience your "soul mate", the rest feels like you're settling. I can't go there. I don't even want to.

[iiiii]

Maybe I am cynical, but I think often when a person says they are looking for a "soulmate", they mean they are looking for a relationship where everything is perfect from the start - no personal growth or hard work or compromises required.

 

Maybe relationships like that, where the people mesh 100% perfectly and instantly and forever, happen occasionally - but they are very rare.

 

Just about every good, satisfying, intimate relationship - whether with a partner, a parent, or a dear friend - is going to have occasional periods of hard work and introspection and compromise. It doesn't meant you're not supposed to be with that person. It's just the way relationships work.

[SadNLonley]

The concept of soul mates, imo, stems from deeply soulful connections with others that you may or may not experience in your lifetime. They exist. I have met mine. I highly doubt that I will ever experience a connection like that again. There's a saying for that too: once in a lifetime. After you experience your "soul mate", the rest feels like you're settling. I can't go there. I don't even want to.

 

If you still have this relationship, keep it. Ours ended due to stupid games and distance. So not worth the breakup. Too bad too much time has passed to reconcile, but I already know that what we had and felt wont happen again for me. Hopefully for him as well.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Perhaps for some women. Not for me or I think most males. A woman is often looking for a mate suitable for marriage, father of her children, provider, etc. Thus why women 'want to get married'. We learn to love our guy just like Marge loves Homer and Wilma loves Fred. Both those gals could have done a lot better and should have.

 

In 2014 Fewer women have this need or desire to settle into some marriage like it is settling into a comfortable chair. I don't settle for a 'sort of ' acceptable guy.

 

A lot of people (and men) seem to think that as a woman (esp. an older one) you have to be content with a guy just because he is not a serial killer or does not look like quasimodo.

 

It takes a little bit more than that, folks. At least most women want to have the feeling that they are bloody lucky to be with the guy they are. You want to be proud when you are with him in public and not cringe because he again makes a stupid remark or does not know how to behave. I have seen my mother cringe for 42 years in my parents' marriage, not sure if I will ever get married but I won't get into a relationship with a guy I am ashamed of.

[Els]

A lot of people (and men) seem to think that as a woman (esp. an older one) you have to be content with a guy just because he is not a serial killer or does not look like quasimodo.

 

I don't think that was what Under the Radar was saying at all...

[Els]

Maybe I am cynical, but I think often when a person says they are looking for a "soulmate", they mean they are looking for a relationship where everything is perfect from the start - no personal growth or hard work or compromises required.

 

Maybe relationships like that, where the people mesh 100% perfectly and instantly and forever, happen occasionally - but they are very rare.

 

Just about every good, satisfying, intimate relationship - whether with a partner, a parent, or a dear friend - is going to have occasional periods of hard work and introspection and compromise. It doesn't meant you're not supposed to be with that person. It's just the way relationships work.

 

I mostly agree, but the 'connection' really is a damned real thing (to me, at least). You really do mesh almost perfectly at the start, there isn't any wondering about whether you really like him or whether he really likes you. Then, yes, the honeymoon phase fades, conflict happens, and you do need to work at it (and yourself) to maintain a happy R.

 

But, to me, all of that work would be pointless if we didn't have that 'soulmate' connection to begin with.

[Anela]

I know of several couples who seem to be a perfect fit for each other. One split for several months, but got back together and were stronger than ever.

[sillyanswer]

Why do we never say that there might not be someone for everyone?

 

Because people don't like giving bad news (because people don't like receiving it). Also because many people give up (or express thoughts of giving up) far too early, in some cases as a way of seeking attention or a pep talk, and so the pep talk (there is someone for you!) is what they get.

[iris219]

Because people don't like giving bad news (because people don't like receiving it). Also because many people give up (or express thoughts of giving up) far too early, in some cases as a way of seeking attention or a pep talk, and so the pep talk (there is someone for you!) is what they get.

 

And also when people say, "Oh, you'll meet someone" they aren't talking about a "soul mate" or the love of your life. They're talking about a reasonable match, and most people will, at some point, meet a reasonably decent person. Many people want more than just reasonably decent though.

 

When they say "there's someone for everyone" they really mean "stop being so picky and maybe you'll find someone." To some extent this is true. When I met my FI the circumstances weren't quite right. He was recently separated and it seemed like a bad idea, but I "settled" and things have worked out fabulously.

[SunsetWay]

If you still have this relationship, keep it. Ours ended due to stupid games and distance. So not worth the breakup. Too bad too much time has passed to reconcile, but I already know that what we had and felt wont happen again for me. Hopefully for him as well.

 

Sadly, the relationship ended due to many valid reasons rooted by expectations and ego. Expectations are killer!

 

While the experience was amazing, I almost (kinda/sorta) wish it hadn't happened at all. I'd be a lot better off if it hadn't.

[readynow]

I definitely believe there is someone for everyone.

 

The reason people end up alone, IMO, is because we expect people to be perfect and sweep us off our feet immediately. Just look around LS, everything is a red flag, everyone should be careful about everything.

 

We are humans and we are NOT perfect. None of us are.

 

Like many have said here, there are 7billion people in the world. Perhaps your 'person' is of a different race and lives on the other side of the world - oh, long distance relationships don't work, neither do interracial relationships. Perhaps they are over 10yrs older or younger than yourself - oh they or you are creepy for considering it, besides age-gap relationships don't ever last. Perhaps they are not attractive to the general population - you won't be caught dead with them, besides you might have ugly kids. Perhaps they are currently out of work or dropped out of college - then they have no business dating, they need to get their acts together before speaking to you. Perhaps they have been married before - or never been married, something must be wrong with them for still being alone! Look out, red flag!...

 

No wonder perfectly normal people are going to sleep every night, all alone, without any hope of finding their person.

 

There definitely is someone for every one. Your soulmates are out there and they're looking for you. Put on your humanity, you'll find them - lots of them.

Edited April 23, 2014 by readynow

[verhrzn]

I definitely believe there is someone for everyone.

 

The reason people end up alone, IMO, is because we expect people to be perfect and sweep us off our feet immediately. Just look around LS, everything is a red flag, everyone should be careful about everything.

 

We are humans and we are NOT perfect. None of us are.

 

Like many have said here, there are 7billion people in the world. Perhaps your 'person' is of a different race and lives on the other side of the world - oh, long distance relationships don't work, neither do interracial relationships. Perhaps they are over 10yrs older or younger than yourself - oh they or you are creepy for considering it, besides age-gap relationships don't ever last. Perhaps they are not attractive to the general population - you won't be caught dead with them, besides you might have ugly kids. Perhaps they are currently out of work or dropped out of college - then they have no business dating, they need to get their acts together before speaking to you. Perhaps they have been married before - or never been married, something must be wrong with them for still being alone! Look out, red flag!...

 

No wonder perfectly normal people are going to sleep every night, all alone, without any hope of finding their person.

 

There definitely is someone for every one. Your soulmates are out there and they're looking for you. Put on your humanity, you'll find them - lots of them.

 

See, this kind of worries me, the idea that your "soul mate" is someone who fits absolutely none of your standards. I mean, if you have absolutely no standards, of course you'll find someone... but will it be a happy relationship? Will it be what you want? Which is more important: having a partner, any partner at all, or having a partner who fits you?

 

I see a lot of people who ended up with someone who was exactly what they wanted. So when I see a "You would find your soul mate if you weren't just so picky," what that says to me is "You are not worthwhile enough to want what you want."

 

None of us are perfect, but if you struggle with dating, is it really helpful advice to say you should give anyone short of a career criminal a chance?

[ThaWholigan]

I don't believe in soul mates either (shock horror). However, I think there are more than one person with enough compatibility that we can end up with. There is more than one "one" in essence.

 

Generally, I think it's negligible to only give people the "tough break, you'll be alone" schtick, and it usually isn't received very well anyway. I don't think that's helping, that's just a cynical confirmation bias in my humble opinion. I take that approach to most things. It irks me to see people give up too easily. I'm a firm believer in thought manifesting reality, and in my experience whenever I have experienced a dip in positivity, not only do I become overly cynical but generally life tends to suck even more as a result. Does that mean positive thoughts will manifest a good life? F*ck no . You still need application and opportunism. It is the same with dating IMO. I could quite easily have fobbed off the girl that eventually took my virginity thinking it was some online BS. Or never dated that tall girl because "why would she even talk to me?".

 

To me, lots of things in life aren't easy. To get a lot of things out of life takes difficulty of some degree. Telling yourself or wanting someone to tell you that you should opt out of dating as you are not good enough to get what you want might seem like some noble or brave trail to blaze. If you think it is that, then good luck. But I think I would beg to differ - it seems like an easy way out. Don't believe in soul mates if you wish - I don't either! But don't expect someone like me to tell you what you want to hear if it involves malnourishment of the little hope within.

 

(This is in general, not directed squarely at OP).

[Eternal Sunshine]

See, this kind of worries me, the idea that your "soul mate" is someone who fits absolutely none of your standards. I mean, if you have absolutely no standards, of course you'll find someone... but will it be a happy relationship? Will it be what you want? Which is more important: having a partner, any partner at all, or having a partner who fits you?

 

I see a lot of people who ended up with someone who was exactly what they wanted. So when I see a "You would find your soul mate if you weren't just so picky," what that says to me is "You are not worthwhile enough to want what you want."

 

None of us are perfect, but if you struggle with dating, is it really helpful advice to say you should give anyone short of a career criminal a chance?

 

When someone tells me that I am "too picky" - which happens very often, they are basically telling me that I am not good enough.

 

All I know is that "lowering my standards" made me miserable. Not gonna do it again.

[Under The Radar]

In the famous words of comedian Dave Attell:

 

 

Soulmate ...... Soulmate ...... everybody has a Soulmate.

 

 

Well, what if MY Soulmate is trapped at the bottom of a well, with a headwound, shouting Josh, Josh ...... how does that story even end?

 

 

I mean, do we ever even have a chance to meet?

 

 

LOL

[SadNLonley]

When someone tells me that I am "too picky" - which happens very often, they are basically telling me that I am not good enough.

 

All I know is that "lowering my standards" made me miserable. Not gonna do it again.

 

 

Do not lower your standards. You chose those standards for a reason.

[readynow]

See, this kind of worries me, the idea that your "soul mate" is someone who fits absolutely none of your standards. I mean, if you have absolutely no standards, of course you'll find someone...

 

I certainly do not mean have no standards.

 

I'm lucky to have a bf that meets all my standards.

 

What I mean is that sometimes, we are indeed too picky and let go of a chance at love and happiness because of things that aren't really relevant. I'm guilty of this too - I can never date a person with no job... Well what if the person I eventually married lost his job the very next day? Will he stop being my person then?

What about if my very handsome bf had an accident that ruined he's entire face, will that be the end of our relationship?

[2.50 a gallon]

On the surface, I do not believe in soul mates. But on the other hand, the way my current GF and I hooked up, there is something there that I can't put my finger on.

 

After I broke up with my Ex I swore I would never fall in love again, and meant it. Fourteen years later, I was happy living alone. I was free as a bird, and had a great dating and sex life. When we met, I was stunned by her great looks, especially her legs. I knew with her looks she had to have a boy friend, so set out to wait for him to make a mistake. I only knew her from where she worked. We became friendly, but not really friends. A year and a half later, her live in BF has developed a serious drug problem, and she wants to move out. Me, I have always wanted to live in Denver, and was about to take a 2 week vacation there and do some job hunting. And I already had some interviews lined up. I almost had her talked into gong with me. At the last minute she changed her mind. So I went alone and was offered a super job. Even went so far as to put a deposit down on my dream apartment.

 

I was sure she would eventually come to visit. When I went by where she worked I found out they had separated, she had quit her job and moved to a small town about 10 miles away. So I went on the hunt. I never did find her.

 

A year later, I had given up on finding her, and was once again going to Denver to seek work. Was all packed and on the road, when at 10 one of my headlights goes out and the other is flickering. Too late to get replacement bulbs, I return back to my place. Sunday night was all packed, washed the last of the dishes, and the faucet on my sink goes bad, water every where. Next day the sink is fixed, and I discover my gas tank has a bad leak. Tuesday afternoon, I get my truck back at rush hour, and take off to gas up and get some last minutes supplies. Accident on the freeway so I take a side road paralleling the freeway. That is when I see her, she is out by the street checking her mail. Thirty second earlier or later, I would have drove past never knowing where she lived. She had just broken up with him, as he moved out of state to get cleaned up on drugs.

 

Second date, first kiss, my Never going to fall in love again walls collapse. For the first time in over 15 years, I realized how lonely I was.

 

There were just too many coincidences to say that our getting together was an accident, that makes me wonder. It was like the winds of love, waited until the right moment to bring us together. She was ready to forge a new relationship and I was at last ready to fall in love again.

Edited April 24, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon