mbrowneyes Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Hello all. I am new to here and I just wanted to see what advice I could get for the problems my marriage is in now. Lets see...my husband and I started dating when i was a freshman in high school. We now have been married for just over three years. For the most part we have been happy most of the time. The problems is that my husbands father died two months ago. They were hunting together and my husband did CPR on him for over forty minutes until the ambulance got there. Needless to say that my husband hasn't been the same since that date. And neither has our marriage. I have done all i can to help him through this. He is the type to hold everything inside and not let it out. He has turned into a completely different person and has withdrew from me and the kids. He is always leaving me with the kids and not coming home until late at night. And when he is home he never talks to me...He is always on the computer talking to his friends. He is looking at porn. He is going to strip clubs. Every weekend he wants to go out. (which is nothing we ever did that often, having two young kids) He is drinking a lot...he is acting like nothing is wrong and that my feelings are totally wrong. I am going crazy here. I don't know what to do. I know he needs help and I don't even want to try to force him to do anything. but he is making it impossible to be happy as his wife. I told him that we needed to do marriage counseling..i figured at least it would help us both deal with all the stress life has thrown at us in the past months..But that too he will not do. I am ready to give up and say separation..But i also feel like a horrible person for it. I feel like i'm being selfish and not realizing what he is going through. But what i cant understand is why he seems to be falling away from me but at the same time growing closer to everyone else. And by everyone else i mean friends, family, and co-workers. So i guess the advice i am asking for is how am i to deal and if anyone knows what to try to do pass it on to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 If it were me, I'd make him an appointment for grief counseling. I'd certainly point out all the recent changes that I had observed in his personality and let him know that I was worried about him. And I'd try to choose a time to bring it up when I was more likely to have a positive conversation rather than a negative one. It's possible that you represent more of a threat to his peace of mind right now than his friends and co-workers. Afterall, his father died right before his eyes, and he was helpless to stop it, even though he did his best. His best wasn't good enough. How will he protect you? He probably loved his father. His love for you presents him with a credible threat to his on-going sanity. He doesn't love his friends and co-workers. If something bad happened to them, he'd be sad, but not destroyed. If being close to someone can hurt you so much, maybe it's best not to be close to anyone? Flawed thinking, and usually subconscious, but understandable given the circumstances. He needs to adjust to his loss, make sense of it somehow, and regain security. Underneath it all, he's probably afraid that he will lose you too. Grief counseling will help to expedite his recovery. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Grief counselling would be a tremendous help to him, no doubt about it. The problem is getting him to want to go I bet. I have a bit of an understanding about tragic loss of a loved one. My STBXW and I lost our daughter after 11 days of life. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day we turned off life support. Your husband seems to be doing a combination of what my STBXW and I did. I pulled into myself, didn't want to talk to anyone, my STBXW on the other hand started to question every choice she had made in her life. Asking all the "what if" questions. The loss of our daughter made her think about how short life is. And she decided she regretted alot of choices. She hardly ever drank, but after that she wanted to go out to bars regularly where she would just get hammered. When her High School crush started sniffing around, she decided she regretted choosing me over him, which is why she is the STBXW. I found out, after it was too late, that the divorce rate for couples who lose a young child like we did is 95% without grief counseling. We didn't get that counseling. I am getting it now, but my wife still refuses, and continues to throw her life away. She won't find happiness until she comes to terms with the grief instead of running away from it. Do some research, you will probably find a higher divorce rate than normal when grief like this is encountered. Tell your husband about this and tell him you are concerned with losing him to the grief. Be as supportive as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 No further comment needed. You have your reasons and answers. Now all you have is to take action. The situation can be resolved. Best of luck to you and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Great advice given above. Just keep reassuring him that YOU love him and are there for him. He's closed himself off to what means most to him. You and the kids. Emotionally he cannot deal with anything right now and it is easier to be around and talk to other people than to his own family. This is NOT about you at all. Therapy and time will heal this for him. What he went through killed him and even though he is distant he'll come around. Don't allow him to take total advantage as he still has responsibility to you and your children but he does need to sort this out his own way. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I don't have any advice for you, and I don't mean to critisize, but I wanted to point out that he's only been like this for two measly months. Are you seriously already ready to seperate after only two months of unhappy wifedom. That doesn't seem very caring Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I think that after he lost his father, he started to pull away from the people he loves most to protect himself. I'm sure it has went through his mind that if he lost you, he couldn't handle it. Maybe subconsciencely (sp?) he's pulling away because he's scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbrowneyes Posted February 5, 2005 Author Share Posted February 5, 2005 Originally posted by Monday I don't have any advice for you, and I don't mean to critisize, but I wanted to point out that he's only been like this for two measly months. Are you seriously already ready to seperate after only two months of unhappy wifedom. That doesn't seem very caring Well i just want to make it clear that i'm not trying to sound uncaring here.. I am asking for advice on how to deal with the problems he is going through. And by separation. i mean time for him to be on his own..time for him to deal with loosing his father. I understand the way this makes me sound selfish. But we also have two kids to think about. My kids still need a father. And I still need my husband. That is why I posted here..It was to see if anyone could relate to help me get through this. Cause i understand that separation isn't the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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