Aged 30+ play games?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

how many people stop playing games about luv when they reach around the grand old age of 30? or is it just as rife as it ever was?

 

this question is specifically aimed towards females!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[moon]

I think that's a difficult question. I am over 30 by two years. I'd say when you are over 30 you start recognizing games other people play more and your objectives change a bit more about what you want in a relationship, so you might be inclined to not want to just play games and try instead to facilitate a good relationship. I guess you would imagine people get more mature as they age.

 

But then again if you are over 30 and haven't made that committment to marry--this is something I am dealing with now---maybe there is a reason for that. I had a thought today. I started questioning if I actually believe in marriage. I think there is this really important age from maybe 28 to your early 30s when you are thinking A LOT about marriage. This is also because a lot of your friends are getting married. But if you sort of pass that hump, I think you sort of wonder if the whole tradition is right for you. So maybe women over a certain age get worse. They start playing more games because they aren't so sure the whole routine is right for them. They only want a relationship with somebody who is right for them and won't mess around anymore with maybe's (might be looked at as games to the maybe person). For me a maybe person would be anybody who doesn't earn their own income (had enough of those), guys who are still chained to their mothers, men with big problems, etc. I might have welcomed these types of men into my life years ago.....believing I could help solve their problems, which I have since realized can only be the work of God and themselves.

 

I'd say playing less games after a certain age is a male thing. I know many men who stop playing as many games after 30. They feel they want to settle down. I don't think a man ever loses the urge to settle down (if he's not gay). I am not so sure that a women doesn't lose this urge a bit. I'll tell you why. Many studies prove that marriage actually benefits men more than women. I have a number of women friends who in their first year of marriage have 1. gained a significant amount of weight 2. gotten demoted or changed their jobs to part-time 3. gotten hassled a lot about having kids and making their relationships happy.

 

Men on the other hand seem to just continue to go to work (with out guilt) and the women become the sort of homing cusion for the man. They have the kids and many times put aside their dreams. Then one day the man might even leave them for somebody else. So I think women are the ones who are more apprehensive about marriage these days---more so then they used to be. So if you get past that certain age of getting married (I don't believe there is such a rush for men) then I think some women might start questioning the whole process and might even be harder to catch. Don't know. But I really haven't delved into this too much because I think I still have a few years to go. I am starting to focus more on a career now, though, which I should have been doing all along. I have spent a number of years in relationships that didn't work out......so there you go. I guess I don't trust marriage as much anymore, so I might start to look like more of a game player because I might not return the call of the guy I know isn't right for me. Is that considered a game?

 

I can't exactly answer your question, but that is my perspective.

[startingover1028]

I think we still play games... they're just more subtle.

 

By "the ripe old age" of 30, a lot of women... and men for that matter, still don't know what they're looking for... or how to get it. I'm late 40's and still haven't a clue. (how to get it, that is)

 

I'm sure I'll go to my grave thinking.... "What the hell was THAT all about....?

 

I wish I could honestly say that the game-playing stops at a certain age but... I guess it all depends on how you communicated in past relationships... We tend not to change ...and habits that we form early on, tend to stay with us. So whatever you're doing in relationships now will probably be what you'll be doing in 20 years!

 

and honestly.... I think the game-playing is just an elaborate attempt to keep ourselves from being vulnerable.

[whichwayisup]

I'm lucky I'm with someone I love and he loves me...Either way I don't play games. Never did when I was younger and I don't now. Just isn't me. I am a 'blurter' meaning if I have something to say, I'll say it - good or bad, why run about the bush and try to figure it out when sitting down and just saying it is so much easier.

 

I DO know some women who still are quite into the 'game' and personally I think it's stupid. Men do it too and it's just as dumb. All comes down to ego and petty s***! Life is just too short to play games with others.

 

Anyway, just my thoughts on this one!!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

They only want a relationship with somebody who is right for them and won't mess around anymore with maybe's (might be looked at as games to the maybe person). For me a maybe person would be anybody who doesn't earn their own income (had enough of those),

 

an interesting perspective moon! i heard this from my ex, my girlfriends and my family! i know about the the providing for your family thoery and totally agree with it all!...

 

i have been 'unemployed' here in Ireland for 3 years although i am a civil engineering grduate with a post grad in computer science, have a range of professional qualifications and 3 years experience... there is no work here... i applied for 400 jobs without success

 

although i plan to start a business doing small construction primarily employing myself and hopefully employing people in the future, i have enrolled in a small business development course lately to help this along...

 

i hope to get it going this year... i told her all this while we were going together, she knows i am ambitious and want the good things in life

 

the irony is that she has had a teachers job for 8 years, she lives with her parents and she is in serious debt, due to a bit of luck and fortune and the social security being very good here i have my own house which is quite nice... and when i buy and sell it i will make a lot of money on it!

 

so maybe in her mind i am a 'maybe' person, she mentioned her concerns but believed i would do well in life....

 

despite all this she said 'i know how i feel about you but i don't feel there is any future in it'...

 

is this directly related to how she thinks i will turn out?

 

she is 32, i am 30, all her friends are married mostly to rich folk!

 

 

ps. she mentioned that an old friend of hers went with an unemployed guy for 15 years and influenced him to start a firm and now they are set up for life!

[moon]

BrainRightHeartWrong,

 

 

 

so maybe in her mind i am a 'maybe' person, she mentioned her concerns but believed i would do well in life....

 

despite all this she said 'i know how i feel about you but i don't feel there is any future in it'...

 

is this directly related to how she thinks i will turn out?

 

Please don't directly apply what I said to your situation. Only you know your situation. So don't use that as an excuse to be frustrated with yourself. Besides it is really hard anyway to convince a person with a job and security that you are involuntarily unemployed. I think many people are unemployed at different times of their lives. It does suck. You sound qualified and eventually will be working. Maybe your situation (guilt of not being able to find a job) put pressure on the relationship. Maybe you didn't realize it but you were getting really down on yourself and it reflected in your personality. Try not to get too down on yourself. I'm sure soon enough you'll be at your very own 9 to 5 hell---like the rest of the world. But again, who knows about your ex. Who knows what's running through her head. I think it is hard if the other person in the relationship isn't working and doesn't have an income. My ex had family money, so no matter how hard tooth and nail he had to fight for it, it acted as a safety cushion for him to be a free-wheeling bum. You sound like you have your sh*t together, you are just hoping and searching for the right opportunity. My ex didn't even have a college degree yet----but man, in his opinion, he was so close.....it's only taken him seven or eight years to be three semester short and a mile off course. He did have other skills, though, to keep him somewhat employed. So anyway, don't beat yourself up. Most people want security. Just keep looking for the right job for you. I'd worry less about your ex.

[clynn]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

 

 

i have been 'unemployed' here in Ireland for 3 years although i am a civil engineering grduate with a post grad in computer science, have a range of professional qualifications and 3 years experience... there is no work here... i applied for 400 jobs without success

 

 

 

Wow - you should move to Canada. Lots of jobs here for qualified educated young men.

 

 

I have stopped playing games, consciously at 30.

I was way ahead of my game in my late teens and twenties, very straightforward and didn't play games.

 

Then after having enough games played on me and enough reasons to consider and reconsider what I really want, I started to be a game player too!

 

And now I only think I know what I want. Truth is I wonder about marriage and kids when at one time I was convinced they were what I want. But sometimes I meet a cute guy who turns me over the moon and I dream of those things again.

 

But then sometimes I think I'd settle for someone who gave me lots of space (more than I asked for cuz its good for me) --- and was a good companion and friend sometimes.

 

I think more about stuff and depending on the person I am dating my ruminations are different, but I don't consciously play games anymore.

 

I also may not communicate effectively, mostly because I spend a lot of time thinkign and figure I can't articulate anything until I've established just what it is I want and know. But that is something I'm trying to work on too.

[clynn]

Oh yah, so if by games you mean:

 

"playing hard to get"

"pretending I'm busy" but I'm not

 

That stuff takes too much energy for me.

[_Saffy_]

despite all this she said 'i know how i feel about you but i don't feel there is any future in it'...

 

 

 

exactly the line my ex fed me when he left !!

 

dont think it has anything to do with where you are, where you are going or what you can provide for her..........i would live on nothing but love and passion for the right guy !!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

exactly the line my ex fed me when he left !!

 

dont think it has anything to do with where you are, where you are going or what you can provide for her..........i would live on nothing but love and passion for the right guy !!

 

thanks _Saffy_ , i too think like you but when we got back together for say 24 hours she said this was primarily the reason... and i explained to her what i say below here... she maybe should have stayed with me and gave me a chance to prove myself!

 

Maybe your situation (guilt of not being able to find a job) put pressure on the relationship. Maybe you didn't realize it but you were getting really down on yourself and it reflected in your personality

 

maybe or maybe not, I told her how unsatisfied i currently was the way my career became ( or lack of it ) , it does get me down but i am a fighter and i told her how and how i plan to start a business, I told her how i never wanted to work under an employer again but if i don't succeed with self-employment then i would accept that too to generate a living i.e. what else am I going to do!!!!

 

about 2 months before we broke up she blew up at me in bed one night and said how she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't have a job... i blew up back as I fely humiliated, slept on the sofa that night, next morning she came down apologised to me... i explained how i wasn't a waster ( have did this many times with her! ) ... how many wasters have my level of education? a few who did it for nice graduation photos for their parents... i did it for employment and I didn't even go to my graduation becauses I didn't see the point nor did I feel any achievement!

 

So anyway, don't beat yourself up. Most people want security. Just keep looking for the right job for you. I'd worry less about your ex.

 

i wish i could for today i feel really really terrible and i stilll worry like anything about her

 

it has been 2 1/2 weeks no contact at all and it is absolutely killing me inside, i'm feeling worse day by day and NC is sopposed to make you feel better?

 

ah well

[_Saffy_]

well if you do really think the same way as me then you will eventually feel that anyone that could use anything as shallow as that as a reason to end a relationship aint worth ya time anyway............just hope you get there soon <hugs>

[moon]

it has been 2 1/2 weeks no contact at all and it is absolutely killing me inside, i'm feeling worse day by day and NC is sopposed to make you feel better?

 

No, initially I don't think NC feels good. I don't think it feels good at all. Everything is telling you to call and talk to your ex. If you had a bad break up then you want to call and get your feelings out and scream bloody murder if that's how bad you feel inside. But I think NC does work in the end. If you decide to cut off all ties and relations, eventually, eventually, eventually you'll start to feel good again.

 

Now let's see... I had a bad, bad break up (talked about it a lot here) at the end of October. For two months we had no contact and then I contacted him on Christmas just to say I was forgetting about our horrible break up and letting go of the pain. He wrote me an e-mail and told me to call him. I sent an e-mail back explaining, documenting and graffing my hurt. I told him not to call or write again unless he sincerely wants to. I really highlighted that point. I didn't hear from him. I waited maybe two weeks to respond to his e-mail, so first I thought he was just doing the same. But now it's been about three weeks and I haven't heard anything from him. About two weeks ago I started to feel really bad again and I think it was because I had initiated contact and wasn't getting the response I wanted. Granted he did say I could call him.....but, why should I be calling him anymore. So I've just let it go from then on. But I think I had to go through even more pain a few weeks ago because I initiated contact and it wasn't turning out exactly how I planned. Now I am back to NC and I am actually feeling good again. I had to get some of my feelings out, so I did contact him, because our break up was so hideous and angry and I said so many horrible things to him and I just wanted to let him know why I got so angry (my ex is a little slow) and that I was letting it go. But I have already moved 500 miles away from him so that helps too.

 

But anyway, NC and the pleasure of it doesn't pan out for a while. You have to just keep motivating yourself to stay out of that other person's life and then eventually you'll get your own life going again apart from them or apart from thinking about them......and then you start to feel human again. If you keep contacting them and getting rejections or maybe's or even apologies, you might just sit in the misery that was your old relationship (or lack of relationship) and you might miss the chance to let it go and move on. So I see the merits of NC because it does help you move on, but remember it takes a long time to move on too. So it isn't like an overnight thing. I'd say if you were in a long term relationship and it hurt a lot to break up then possibly (possibly) after three or four months you might begin to feel somewhat healed. It all depends on the old relationship and how tied you were to that person. I think it is rightly said that it can take up to a year to get over a relationship that you really thought was going to go the distance. So anyway, good luck to you. Break ups SUCK but they are and will always be a part of life. I try to remember that too. Everybody (politicians, famous people, ordinary people, etc.) has had at least one or two bad ones. So don't beat yourself up too much.

[shamen]

Moon mentioned in her first post here that she knows a lot better now what she wants. I totally agree. As a 35 year old woman, I have a little list of certain things that I must have (and some "would be great to have") in a potential BF. A lot of it does deal with a level of responsibility.

 

But on the opposite side, I'm also pretty clear now with people that I could go out with about who I am and I don't think that I really play games. Now, someone who is younger than me may think that I play games when I tell them that I'm busy (someone else mentioned this too), but I really am just busy. I've just re-entered the dating scene again after a long time away. Ugh.

 

Good luck with the getting over the ex. I went back to mine for 3 months after being apart for 6. We were together for 3 1/2 years. It finally truly ended a month ago, making it over 4 years together. It can hard to make the real separation work. Give it a lot of time. I am a big believer in the NC thing too. It's just too hard to talk to him on a regular basis when it just won't work, but we still love each other. She's probably confused too, just like you are.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Originally posted by shamen

 

Good luck with the getting over the ex. I went back to mine for 3 months after being apart for 6. We were together for 3 1/2 years. It finally truly ended a month ago, making it over 4 years together. It can hard to make the real separation work. Give it a lot of time. I am a big believer in the NC thing too. It's just too hard to talk to him on a regular basis when it just won't work, but we still love each other. She's probably confused too, just like you are.

 

i really hope she is still confused, when i tried to get back with her 4 weekends ago she told me she was so confused after I told her I loved her...

 

however she probably isn't as anywhere near hurt as I am however some people say sometimes dumpers feel worse

 

I was her first boyfriend in 3 years

 

it would help if we were 500 miles apart too but she goes to the same places as me and stays in her friends at weekends just 1/2 mile away, i usually walk past this house on my way home from the pub and it plays with my mind knowing she is in there and we can't even speak to each other now after being so intimate together!

 

so i have NC with her, she broke NC 3 weeks ago to send me texts and videophone photos of herself asking was I being shy then she phoned me to apologise for them after initially making up lies that it was her friend who sent them... 2 hours on the phone

 

yesterday i posted some clothes back to her that she left in my house along with a scarf my mother knit her for christmas

 

next Wednesday is her birthday so i'm thinking of sending her a text just saying happy birthday

 

it is strictly breaking NC but i am not expecting a reply or much in response, after that i'm just going to leave it be!

[shamen]

Good idea on the posting of the clothes! I think that I'm going to have to do that with the rest of his stuff. (Now, if I only had his current address and didn't have to ask him for it...)

 

Of course her being 500 miles away would help, but that's just not the reality of the situation. You may run into her out in public. Say hello and then try to avoid the big conversation. Don't look at the house on the way home from the pub.

 

I can't believe she sent you that stuff (videos, etc)! Yuck-o. Are you sure that you want to wish her a happy birthday? I'm not going to wish my ex that, and his birthday is 2/13. Far too close to the big V-Day for my taste. He sent me an email on my birthday last May while we were broken up and it hurt... because I cared about him so much.

 

Seeing him makes me weak. That's why we're not hanging out. I'm the one who broke up with him and I started seeing a counselor over this whole situation.

 

You can do it. She's being a little silly right now sending you texts and all if she's the one who broke it off. Hopefully that doesn't happen anymore. It will feel better with time. Light through the clouds after a long rainstorm. You won't even notice it because it happens so slowly. But it does happen...

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

well 3 weeks of NC and i am hurting more than ever!

 

she would have received her post today and she did not contact me

 

i'm still willing to wish her a happy birthday, i really hate of the fact that i will never hear or see my ex again

 

I'm the one who broke up with him and I started seeing a counselor over this whole situation.

 

 

i find this strange that you are the dumper and are seeing a counselor, i always think it is the dumpee who is having the hard time!

 

she hasn't contacted me at all in 3 weeks, she was the last to initiate and she said she wouldn't again

 

thing is i have a date on her birthday night with a girl i met at the weekend, i feel so guilty about this and there is no way i am into this new girl as i still love my ex, i don't know whether to go or not as i don't wanna mess this girl about but i did tell her the story!

 

its just a desperate attempt to try and get over my ex but i know it won't work

 

i pretty much know that if my ex did the same she would feel like me too

 

HELP!

 

[clynn]

Really, really, REALLy try to make the date with the other person about you and the other person, not about you and your ex.

 

Don't talk about her. Talk about other stuff.

 

Clearly it is early for you to be dating, but then, what the heck else are you going to do?

 

It is important.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I don't know now about meeting this girl, she'll not see me as the way i usually am, i am suffering terrrible depression and my aura is blackened

 

i already told this girl about my ex anyway just the other day and she told me about her situations also

 

also...

 

just this morning i get a letter from my ex after 3 weeks NC, in it she sends a card for my Mum as she knit her a scarf which she got on Saturday there,

 

in the letter she said she loved the scarf and mentions how we haven't been in touch, she says how she wants to take this opportunity to say that the course i was supposed to start is going well ( i have deferred it as I have been so down since our breakup )

 

she also says that I hope I am well and still living it up at the weekends then asks me to please look after myself

 

she finishes the letter with 'Lots of Love'

 

now you may remember that I was going to wish her happy birthday tomorrow via text and thank her for the letter, should I still do this and tell her about me deferring the course and other things? should i ask her how she is doing with her new course etc.?

 

i don't think she will be expecting to hear from me

[shamen]

Yeah, it may be a little weird to see a counselor when you are the dumper, but it was a pretty tumultuous relationship (he's an addict). To be honest, I still love my ex, but I know that it will never work.

 

Maybe you aren't ready for a date yet (I wasn't last summer when I tried to date people and I just stopped doing it)... that's okay... if you're not ready, you're not ready. But that doesn't mean that you should still focus on this exgf.

 

The fact that she says that she loves you means just that. It doesn't mean that she wants to get back together with you. In many ways, I still love all of the exes that I have ever had, just not in the same way that I did when we were together.

 

I don't know if you should send the birthday text. If you really want to, send it with just those words. It probably isn't such a hot idea to try to really initiate real contact again.

 

Hope that you are well. Write in a journal some, hang out with some friends. Focus on things that you love that aren't her.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Originally posted by shamen

Yeah, it may be a little weird to see a counselor when you are the dumper, but it was a pretty tumultuous relationship (he's an addict). To be honest, I still love my ex, but I know that it will never work.

 

Maybe you aren't ready for a date yet (I wasn't last summer when I tried to date people and I just stopped doing it)... that's okay... if you're not ready, you're not ready. But that doesn't mean that you should still focus on this exgf.

 

The fact that she says that she loves you means just that. It doesn't mean that she wants to get back together with you. In many ways, I still love all of the exes that I have ever had, just not in the same way that I did when we were together.

 

I don't know if you should send the birthday text. If you really want to, send it with just those words. It probably isn't such a hot idea to try to really initiate real contact again.

 

Hope that you are well. Write in a journal some, hang out with some friends. Focus on things that you love that aren't her.

 

my date for Wednesday texted me so i didn't want to let her down so i have agreed to meet her, i hope she isn't expecting anything except just a nice friendly chat and hopefully i will enjoy it just a tiny bit as i am just so depressed with everything right now...

 

however ever since i got up today i am obsessing as usual about my ex and what and who she is with on her birthday tonight, i'm really upset i am not there to celebrate it with her (this is the girl that even booked concert tickets for us for the middle of April! )

 

i think i will send her the text, however i will leave out the stuff about me and wish her a good night whatever she is doing and hope her new open university course is going well

 

i don't think this is initiating contact and maybe this will be the very last time i will make contact

 

at present i cannot focus on anything i love that isn't her, i had lots of interests / hobbies and I haven't been able to do any of them since... a textbook symptom of depression but hopefully my treatment will start working soon as i hate living like this... it feels like a death camp!

[clynn]

Aaaaah, you've been together for a long time and just cutting it off cold turkey is actually kind of unnatural, even if it is cleaner.

 

Things have a way of working out over time, one way or another.

 

So as long as you're honouring yourself and her, I can't imagine you can go too far wrong.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

update...

 

well i sent her the text message just like i said on her birthday 2 days ago and she responded almost immediately...

 

i wished her happy birthday and hope she had something planned for it, wished her her course was going good , wished her 'lots of love, xo'

 

she responded thanks for remembering my birthday, you don't plan birthdays at my age, course is hard but brilliant, tells me what she is doing next week then jokes about lying in the gutter drinking all next week as she is off work, ends the message with her name and an 'x' beside it i.e. kiss

 

i'm surprised her response was so polite, the two of us really used to joke about a lot about silly things, that was one of the strongest bonds between us as we made each other laugh so much

 

now i didn't text her back again, the reason why i am stating all this in detail is because i don't know whether she expects a response or not

 

i don't want to go completely NC on her and i don't think she does either, i don't know what to do here, i know we both miss each other

 

she never kept in contact with any of her exes even though they wanted to, she used to delete any messages from her last ex of 3 years ago without response

 

other update...

 

i went out on that date the other night, a really bad idea i think in general, while it eased my mind for a little while, the girl knows i am still in love with my ex as I told her about everything ( she wanted the truth and I didn't want to mess her about ), she reckons a reconciliation is on the cards but i told her otherwise but I told her i am not interested in another relationship, so she had a good enough night anyway and we both know where we stand with one another

 

regardless of any of this even if i wasn't still emotionally attached i don't think i would want to date her anymore anyhow, I know within 1-2 dates whether or not i like someone or not for a relationship to be possible

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

latest update...

 

i really had to fight myself to not respond to her text reply around 12 days ago on her birthday

 

i really wanted to respond as i hate all the no contact thing

 

so another drunken weekend happened, usual party with lots of girls ( didn't do anything! ) and my ex would have went mad if she was still with me ( even though i go to parties with single people and just enjoy myself )

 

next morning i check my phone and guess who had been texting me...

 

yes the ex, she was talking to a guy that knows me in her small town, i know half the town BTW! she must have been quizzing him on what i was doing as she told me all this in her message!

 

why is she still interested in what i do and why did she leave her name followed by 'X' i.e kiss in her message?

 

i don't know what to do now, a lot of my friends say block her from my phone but i really do want to keep in touch with her even though i have been very aloof lately

 

?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

i don't know what to do now, a lot of my friends say block her from my phone but i really do want to keep in touch with her even though i have been very aloof lately

 

?

 

stay aloof for a little bit longer. you're almost at the finish line. Think that u are at mile marker 24 in a 26 mile marathon.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Originally posted by alphamale

stay aloof for a little bit longer. you're almost at the finish line. Think that u are at mile marker 24 in a 26 mile marathon.

 

cheers AM!

 

what do you think this will achieve though?

 

i think it was good i didn't respond straight away though which i couldn't because i was so drunk ( lucky i don't phone/ text when i am! )

 

so i assume you are telling me to eventually respond? but not yet?