How do i get over her before i do something stupid?

[lostandlonely]

My girlfriend of 4 years dumped me about a week and a half ago, saying that she no longer loved me. I have since found out that she has fallen in love with someone else (while we were together). On top of this she found out that i cheated on her about a week before we broke up (i dont know why i did it, although im begining to think that i may have a binge drinking problem, i was completely out of control). Anyway she doesnt want any contact what so ever with me, its only been two days since we last spoke and i cant cope. I cant sleep, when i do i have nightmares about her telling me it's over, and i wake up sweating. Im completely losing it. She was my best friend, i know we're not going to get back together, but the idea of never talking to her again just hurts so much. I feel like i dont have anyone else i can talk to about this except her, yet she wont talk to me. I dont know what to do, i keep considering doing stupid things like trying to bump into her (in essence stalking her) yet i know that would be the worst possible thing i could do, and would guarantee that she'll never want any contact with me.

 

Help, how do i start to get over her (i know its going to take time) before i do something that means we'll never speak again?

 

I can accept that the relationship is dead, but i really dont want to lose the best friend that i've ever had.

[MassiveAtom]

Just imagine having a family for 8 years, working your a$$ off to support them just to see your wife/best friend/hope for better things to come, walk away from you saying "just stay the hell away from me. I don't respect you or anything you stand for. You don't even know who you are. I could never be happy in this relationship." Taking your two young daughters, and not speaking to you for months. Posting a profile (a very sexy one) on Match.com with two pictures that you took of her, these pictures are your favorites. One is from your wedding day and the other is on your 6th anniversary before a beautiful night of dinner and a walk on the beach.

 

She won't talk to you, trash talks you to her friends, and generally has cut you out of every part of her life and is so cruel and heartless that she called you and told you she had a boyfriend who makes her more happy than you ever could. She blows off mediation and laughs at you when you are visibly hurt by he things she does, but you know that there's a better part of this woman, and you know she withholding it from you, and no one else. Somehow you have to just get through this.

 

It's not so bad. You could be me.

[LynnStylesTN]

Believe it or not it was over after the first 3 months , she knew then if she was going to stay with you or not . The good news is she stuck it out with you. So Time , will present the moment that you guys will talk again . In reality you will find someone else and forget all about her.

[lostandlonely]

Originally posted by LynnStylesTN

Believe it or not it was over after the first 3 months , she knew then if she was going to stay with you or not.

 

How do you know this? I mean i dont understand how someone can decide that and then stay around for another 4 years. If we'd broken up after 6months then i'd see what you mean, but i dont see how anyone could stay with someone they decided they werent going to be with for that long. Its not like you know her (wrong side of the atlantic) so i dont see where this insight comes from.

 

Massiveatom, im sorry to hear about your situation it sounds horrible, i cant cope with whats happening to me, let alone even begin to understand how you're coping. I hope things get better for you, although it sounds like if she's treating you like this that you are better off without her.

 

My problem is that i dont hate her in any way what so ever, she's done nothing wrong to me, ok she fell in love with someone else, but that happens. She didnt sleep with, or even kiss him while she was with me. The only person who did anything wrong was me, i messed up and i hate myself for it. Thats whats making things worse in a way, im considering drastic action because i dont care about the consequences anymore, all i want to do is fix things between us so that we can be friends. Yet i dont want to be one of those psycho-ex's that wont leave their ex alone, but im finding it really hard to find a reason to not to. I know that doing this will mean we never talk again, but im feeling rational at the moment, the problem comes when i get upset, nothing else seems to matter except just seeing her. I start convincing myself that if i see her it'll all be ok, and thats when i get tempted to go and find her.

 

I need to find a way of getting past these thoughts and being able to realise all the time that its not a good idea, before i do something that i know i'll ultimately regret.

[Merin]

First thing to understand is that people do stay together for even longer periods of time then 4 years and end the relationship later.. yeah it would be great if you could've looked into the future and determined if you wanted to invest so much of your time, love and energy if it was all going to end anyway.. but that just isn't reality.

 

Secondly.. you're cheating on her, yeah you already know it is/was wrong.. and it's nice that you take responsibility for that.. but I'm having a hard time believing your EXGF JUST happend to fall in Love with someone else that she hadn't been kissing/intimate with whatever.. so yeah, she has her part in this too.

 

You mentioned that you've been drinking.. binge drinking.. and that would lead me to believe that perhaps this was part of the problem in your relationship.. IMO there was something else going on that made you want to maybe escape reality in drinking to excess.

 

At this point she has ended the relationship, and I'm going to be honest with you in saying that being just her friend isn't even an option or possibility at this time for either one of you.. IF she really has started a new relationship you've got to know her new interest isn't going to be all about her being friendly with you right now (if ever) and the fact that you're still wanting a romantic relationship with her.. trying to be just a friend until you've had some time to recover just isn't realistic.

 

IF you're really hoping for a potential friend later on.. then who knows what can happen.. but give it TIME, AND DISTANCE right now.. or the only thing you're going to accomplish is driving her away, making her angry, having a restraining order against you, OR all of the things mentioned.

 

Good Luck

[Merin]

Originally posted by LynnStylesTN

Believe it or not it was over after the first 3 months , she knew then if she was going to stay with you or not . The good news is she stuck it out with you.

 

What?

 

I disagree with this.. people get into relationships and marriage all the time with the idea and hope that they will be together always.. but life happens when you've made other plans.. people change and sometimes grow apart or find different directions than the one they began.

 

How would it be good news that she was with this guy for 4 years then dumped him? He should be what.. thankful she sucked it up for 4 years THEN dumped him?

 

Just don't agree... I don't believe anyone gets into long term relationships or marriages with the idea that they know it's not forever..

[katie79]

lonely, how old are you and the former miss lonely?

 

"Time heals all wounds"

 

Maybe there is something you did or didn't do that you can fix now??

You weren't that specific on what your relationship was like and what issues you faced.

 

Don't do anything "stupid".

 

Whatever issues the relationship suffered by her standards, attempt to fix them and vow to do that with her. If she doesn't want to be with you, move on. It's hard, but you will love again.

[blind_otter]

Have you considered crisis counseling? Because this is a dangerous time. You obviously feel desperation and that can be dangerous, especially if you DO decide to do something dumb like try contacting your ex or stalking her.

 

I had to get a restraining order against my ex, and I keep thinking, if he had just kep this head together and not acted all crazy we would not have to go through all this legal sh*t, and all this trouble - so try to find healthier ways to cope, above all, stay away from her unless she contacts you. The binge drinking is dangerous because you could do something when you're drunk that you will later regret.

 

So (1) consider crisis counseling, 1800SUICIDE can refer you to a local crisis counseling office that does no-cost or low-cost short term therapy for individuals in crisis. (2) Make a list of things to do when you feel really desperate. Go for a run. have a list of friends you can call who will listen to you bitch. take a shower. do something physical to get rid of the nervous energy and to get rid of the intrusive, unwanted thoughts. post a long involved rant on loveshack. just make sure you don't go out and try to find her.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by lostandlonely

Massiveatom, im sorry to hear about your situation it sounds horrible, i cant cope with whats happening to me, let alone even begin to understand how you're coping. I hope things get better for you, although it sounds like if she's treating you like this that you are better off without her.

yeah, it was lame I made this about me. Sorry.

My problem is that i dont hate her in any way what so ever, she's done nothing wrong to me, ok she fell in love with someone else, but that happens. She didnt sleep with, or even kiss him while she was with me. The only person who did anything wrong was me, i messed up and i hate myself for it. Thats whats making things worse in a way, im considering drastic action because i dont care about the consequences anymore, all i want to do is fix things between us so that we can be friends. Yet i dont want to be one of those psycho-ex's that wont leave their ex alone, but im finding it really hard to find a reason to not to. I know that doing this will mean we never talk again, but im feeling rational at the moment, the problem comes when i get upset, nothing else seems to matter except just seeing her. I start convincing myself that if i see her it'll all be ok, and thats when i get tempted to go and find her.

 

I need to find a way of getting past these thoughts and being able to realise all the time that its not a good idea, before i do something that i know i'll ultimately regret.

 

Try writing a newspaper article. Actually two. These articles are a couple years in the future and they are about you. One has you in jail for violating yet another restraining order, the other has you being lauded by someone important in your life. After you write each one do some visualizing about the steps that would get you to each end. Then pick what you want. Some guys become stalkers, other guys become whole.

 

It looks like you should not contact her for a while, to get past your loss and let it become real. While you're whiling away the hours, visit http://www.coping.org. Do the work there.

 

It's obvious your solitude begins to create VERY unhealthy emotional chain reactions. If you let your fears get out of hand they can quickly become anger, then rage. You must have the skills to stop that progression before it becomes critical.

[lostandlonely]

OK, first of all thanks for the advice everyone, it helps to be able to talk to people about this particularly as most of my friends keep on trying to convince me of the benefits of being single which really isnt helping things at all.

 

Some further details.... We're both 21 which I know is young and is why im able to accept that its over, we're both quite different to who we were when we started going out and i know that change means people do fall out of love. I accept that she no longer loves me, and all i want is for her to be happy. However the relationship itself was good, we were both supportive of the other person (although i was more needy) and we didnt fight at all for the first 3 years. Friends (of varying ages) were always saying how good we were for each other. However towards the end i got more and more dependant upon her and increasingly possesive. Also in the last 6 months or so every time we went out with her friends i would get horrendously drunk and (apparently, i dont remember) try and seperate her from her friends. I knew that this wasnt right and was actually in the process of seeking counselling when she broke up with me, i knew that i had to change my behaviour and had been trying on my own but to no avail.

 

Furthermore the cheating only happened once just before we broke up. It occured when yet again i was awfully drunk, and while it doesnt make it better i also need to add that we'd never had satisfactory sex. We'd tried, but my ex has some sort of medical problem for which she's already had one operation for, but it's still too painful for her. The thing is that i was prepared to help her get through this and give her as long as she needed. I've never wanted to sleep with anyone else, but on that night i was so drunk that when i was offered it i said yes. I feel so bad about this as i know that it was the one thing that i could do to really hurt my ex, and i never wanted to hurt her.

 

I just wish that there was some way i could show her im sorry, but she wont even talk to me on the phone, which is why i keep on considering the stupid stuff. But i dont want to be one of those psycho's, i really just want us to be friends. As Merin said, i know that we're not going to be friends immediately (although the new bloke is a LDR, so he wouldnt have to know), i just wish that she'd let me know its a possibility.

 

I also know that i need to sort myself out. Otter the suggestion of counselling is one that im following up, but the waiting list means i wont get to see anyone for another week or so, and its that week in between that im really worried about. I've read about your problems with your ex and im determined not to have to go down that route, but i am finding it so hard to not do that sort of stuff.

 

Im trying not to drink, but im finding it hard, particularly when all that my friends ever seem to do is go drinking and they keep on inviting me in their misguided but well meaning way. I dont have a car, so its not like i can offer to drive, yet i find it hard to turn them down particularly when they're just trying to help. I wish i could just get over this and move on.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by lostandlonely

Im trying not to drink, but im finding it hard, particularly when all that my friends ever seem to do is go drinking and they keep on inviting me in their misguided but well meaning way. I dont have a car, so its not like i can offer to drive, yet i find it hard to turn them down particularly when they're just trying to help. I wish i could just get over this and move on.

 

word.

 

I know how that feels. Every night starting around 8pm I start getting an endless stream of phonecalls ranging from casual invitations to being straight up bitched out by my friends for not going out to get trashed. Being that I have a pretty professional job, I can't do that and I've been to work hungover before....it sucked.

 

But don't forget to write a list of "healthy things to do to cope" - don't get stuck dealing with the consequences of one stupid night.

 

Keep posting, let it out, hell, write her a letter on here (don't send it) - it will help you process your feelings

 

Today in therapy I was complaining about not being able to get closure. My therapist said closure isn't about the other person, really, it's about you. You can never get what you imagine from your ex. It's about you processing the drastic change in your life, like any grieving process, there are stages you go through. Time really does heal all wounds, it's just a hard fact to swallow when you're in the weeds.

[tiki]

Dude, if she didn't love you, why does she care who you cheated on her with? Sounds like she can't make up her mind?

[tattoomytoe]

why not take this time and go to some AA meeting and really see what is like to loose everything, not just your gf, to alcohol.

[lostandlonely]

Otter thanks for the wise words, i know that closure is something i've got to do on my own, i just wish that we could stay friends. Theres no other way of putting it, i really regret my actions, i'd do anything for that not to have happened. I really dont want to lose the best friend that i've ever had. I'm making that list of positive things right now.

 

Tiki, she did love me. She seems in my eyes to still care about me (maybe this is why she cut contact?) but she just cant deal with being in a relationship that she no longer wants to be part of. This issue of caring has come up before, theres a mutual friend that she made me promise i would never go out with, i dont see why since if she doesnt love me why does she care? However i still care about her too much, i would never go out with this friend because she asked me not to. I dont think that she loves me anymore, but i still love her and hence i wont do anything that might hurt her. I know its messed up, but i dont want to hurt her any further because deep down i still love her and always will in some way.

 

Tattoo, i see what your saying but i really dont think aa is the right place for me at the moment, i know i could of lost more, but in a way its bad enough knowing what i've lost let alone what else i could lose.

[lostandlonely]

Massiveatom, thanks for the website, sorry for not mentioning it sooner, it looks really good, cheers. I really hope things get better for you.

[blind_otter]

Maybe you can be friends, one day. After I split with my exHusband (not my psycho exboyfriend, diff. guy) - we were on very bad terms for wuite a while. only now, 2 years later, can I actually say that we can have a civil conversation on the telephone. And he's in another state, in prison no less....just goes to show.

 

Time, let it go for now - if you're meant to be friends in the future, you will run into her and things will progress normally. for now, it's obviously YOU time.

 

And please don't hop into another relationship just to make yourself feel better....

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by lostandlonely

Massiveatom, thanks for the website, sorry for not mentioning it sooner, it looks really good, cheers. I really hope things get better for you.

 

I'm glad it looks relevant to you. I know it pulled me out from nearly the same place you are a few years ago. I still spend time there today. It's really good stuff.

 

and thank YOU for those much needed good wishes.

 

MA

[lostandlonely]

Originally posted by blind_otter

And please don't hop into another relationship just to make yourself feel better....

 

Not a chance of that happening, i dont feel that im anywhere near ready for a new relationship. I know that i need time to just take stock of all this and sort myself out. I dont want to treat anyone else the way that i treated her (ie. cheat again) and until i get the drinking under control i just cant trust myself. I feel so bad about what i did to her. I also dont think that it would be fair for me to go out with someone else when im still in love with her, i mean although its not going to happen IF she did come back then i'd be with her in a shot. I feel bad enough that i've hurt one person, i dont want to hurt anyone else.

 

As is probably apparent i dont like who i am at the moment, so until im happy with myself i dont want to inflict me upon anyone else.

 

Things are getting better, the urges to go and see her are already weakening, although it still hurts not being in touch with her. I know that i need to just be strong and look after myself.

 

Thank you everyone whose posted here, its really helped to just talk this through with people.

[blind_otter]

Keep talking as long as you need to.

[lostandlonely]

I've just received two very worrying pieces of news about my parents, and now i want to call my ex even more than ever. I dont know who else to talk to about this stuff, its pretty personal and she is the only person who i can think of to talk to about it. My mates are no good, they're really bad at being sensitive (see the earlier comments about enjoying being single), and i cant talk to my brother as i dont know how much they've told him. Im finding this so hard, i know that i shouldnt break NC but i dont know who else to call, and even if i do call her she probably wont answer when she sees that its me, i dont know what to do. On top of all this i've got to get up really early tomorrow as i've got an interview to go to, i cant postpone it but i dont know how im going to cope feeling like this.

 

Do i try calling her?

[lostandlonely]

Ok, i text her briefly explaining the problem, and stating that i didnt want to talk about us... I left it about an hour and tried to call her, her phones off.

 

So this means either she has read the txt and switched off her phone, she just has no battery or shes changed her number, either way i just made things even worse for myself. I should have just left her alone, im an idiot i feel even worse now.

 

If she has changed her number then i feel really bad because she obviously doesnt feel like she can trust me (i suppose rightly so) to leave her alone. If she switched her phone off after getting the txt then things are worse between us than i thought. I know that i am in no way her favourite person at the moment, but i didnt think that she'd be so cold as to deliberately ignore me.

 

The only scenario that is even possibly positive is if she just has no battery, but out of all of them it seems the least likely. And given the way that the dice have fallen for me recently i really doubt that the only possibly good scenario has happened.

 

I should have just left it and found a way to cope on my own, i've probably just made things ten times worse, i feel so stupid.

[blind_otter]

Don't feel stupid. Just stop contacting her. I know my ex kept coming back, especially after his drinking/drug binges. He was so depresed he didn't know what to do or how to cope, I was the only person he ever talked to about those issues and I know he felt a bit lost without me. But it's your responsibility to learn to cope. Call a crisis hotline if you need to. Find other friends who are supportive of you. You fell off the wagon, oh well, get back on and start from day 1 again.

 

Good luck.

[lostandlonely]

Thanks again, it really helps to talk to people who arent judging me.

 

I dont feel as bad today, i messed up the interview (which was for a year in japan) but im not really bothered as part of the reason for applying had been that my ex wanted me to give her some space when we graduated so it was just something to do to fill the time, whereas now i can do whatever i like.

 

Im also pretty sure now that she's changed her number, i gave it one last try and still straight to answer phone. If she had no battery by now she'd have charged it, she may have lost her phone, but either way the outcomes the same as she wont have bothered keeping her number.

 

In a way i it find quite liberating, it means that i cant call her till she goes home which isnt for another 6 or 7 weeks, and i seem to have come to my senses enough not to email her or try and see her. Calling her is so immediate that when i had a weak moment its so easy just to pick up the phone and dial her number (id deleted her number so i was getting somewhere anyway). But any other method of contact requires a prolonged effort and i seem to have enough control now that i stop myself before actually going through with it.

 

It still really hurts trying to deal with the fact that we aren't in contact anymore, and even more so given that it looks more and more likely that she isnt ever going to break NC. But i've managed to find stuff to do this week, and as of next monday i'll be seeing a counsellor, so hopefully i'll soon be past the worst part and i can begin to seriously concentrate on making myself a better person.

 

I wish it wasnt like this, but i cant change the past, so i've just got to concentrate on making the future better.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by lostandlonely

I wish it wasnt like this, but i cant change the past, so i've just got to concentrate on making the future better.

 

You took the words out of my mouth. I mean hands.

 

I'm on day 28 of no contact with my obsessive-psycho-ex. Even though he was a nut job and he tried to hurt me, I still think about him every day. Not in a good way. But little things remind me of him, ya know. You were around that person for a while, you can't get away from your memories. That said, if she's not allowing you to contact her, then don't keep trying. You hurt yourself and put yourself at risk for legal action if you keep up with this.

[lostandlonely]

Originally posted by blind_otter

if she's not allowing you to contact her, then don't keep trying. You hurt yourself and put yourself at risk for legal action if you keep up with this.

 

Im finally beginning to realise this (always was slow on the uptake), before all i could focus on was the legal side of things and to be honest i didnt care, i was so upset that it didnt seem to matter what happened to me. But im slowly begining to realise that theres another reason i should be practicing NC: ME. I realise now that i've got to do this for my sake, not just because she wants it, but because i need it too.

 

And shockingly it does seem to be working, i no longer feel nihlistic. I mean it hurts, but i know that there is a light somewhere at the (admittedly long way away) end of the tunnel. I am feeling slowly better, even if its very slowly.

 

I wish that i could let her know that i want NC too, but we cant have everything we want (still want her!), and it'd be defeating the point to try and tell her.