Can a low self-esteem person still have a good life?

[SpiralOut]

I ask this because I have not been successful in my life and I have blamed it on my lack of self-esteem. I am getting much better at boosting my confidence, but I spent a huge chunk of my life hating myself and it has affected my life in bad ways. I just assumed this is the way it is for anyone with low self-esteem. I've been working hard to improve myself, in the hopes of improving my life.

 

Then I look around and see other women who clearly have self-esteem issues. Yet somehow, they have things I don't have like a happy marriage, a successful career. Some of them have kids. I used to be friends with one of them and she was (is) an absolute train-wreck on the inside, though on the outside her life looks perfect. I know it's not good to compare myself to others, but I cannot help wondering: why did their low self-esteem not stop them from progressing in their life? It stopped me. Why not them?

 

What are they doing that I am not doing? I am trying to raise my SE in an effort to improve my life, but what's the use of that when these train-wreck, self-loathing women have made good lives for themselves without doing the internal work that I am doing? On the one hand, they are so nasty to other people that I am grateful to not be associated with that. On the other hand, they still have things I don't have and I don't understand how they did it. Am I being bitter in thinking that? Is it wrong of me to think that they are more successful in life than me? Maybe success doesn't mean anything unless you feel at peace with yourself. Or is that something I say to make myself feel better?

 

Maybe I am looking for an excuse to give up all my hard work. I can't help feeling like I am running extra laps around the track while everyone else has stopped to have a BBQ.

[D-Fens]

''What are they doing that I am not doing?''

 

Low self-esteem manifests differently in different people. Some people feel their own efforts are useless so they feel justified in using others'. That sounds like the acquaintances you describe. Other people feel like they don't deserve to be helped by others, and that sounds more like you.

 

But you're on the right track by working on yourself, and the end result you want is to be happy with yourself and not with perceived financial or social success. In any case, from what I've read, you have decent self-respect which is generally considered to be healthier than self-esteem. Good luck.

[Leegh]

The people you describe may not be in happy marriages. I know quite a few married couples who are not happy in their marriages (at least one spouse in the marriage) but they portray as if they are happy to the public. Situations change, and there may come a time when you are happily married and the people that you mentioned are divorced, or having major problems in some other way. They don't sound like they are happy people if they are unpleasant to other people. It's unhappy people who like to "rain on everyone else's parade". Perhaps they have some narcissistic tendencies as well, which is not good. I don't think that a person either has low self-esteem or doesn't have low self-esteem. A person may have low self-esteem in one area of their life, (for example arts or music), but yet have high self-esteem in another part of their life, for example, (mathematics or science). Another example; a guy may be a great mechanic, be very confident and knows exactly what he's doing repairing cars, but he may totally freeze up when asking a girl out.

[FitChick]

Many people with low self-esteem overcompensate by working extra hard. Workaholics, for example. They believe their self worth is based on their career.

 

Don't worry about other people. You can't change them.

[jonsnuh]

And whatever you do, don't think people who post things on FaceBook are having the time of their lives. Someone might post a picture of a dog, a house, or a kid...

 

but it just might be that the house could be breaking the bank, the kid might be a terror and the dog a chronic farter.

[The dot]

Then I look around and see other women who clearly have self-esteem issues. Yet somehow, they have things I don't have like a happy marriage, a successful career. Some of them have kids. I used to be friends with one of them and she was (is) an absolute train-wreck on the inside, though on the outside her life looks perfect. I know it's not good to compare myself to others, but I cannot help wondering: why did their low self-esteem not stop them from progressing in their life? It stopped me. Why not them?.

 

Firstly, how do you know they have self-esteem issues?

 

Secondly, how do you know that all the "success" you see on the outside is making them happy? A lot of people put on a happy face to the outside world when deep inside they're not happy. Ever known a couple who "suddenly" divorced, for example? Guess what, it wasn't a decision they took quickly, the fact was, things were never as perfect in their world as they seemed.

 

It sounds to me like your self-esteem problems stem from comparing yourself to everyone else and wondering about what you "should" have in life. I suggest taking some time alone to worry about what *you* want for yourself and forgetting about everyone else for a while.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Low self esteem will in general hinder you in all areas of life. It's probably the worst in inter-personal relationships. If you see yourself as "worth less" others will see you that way too. Your bf/gf will start treating you like a doormat, you will see all men/women as "better" then you and act nervous around them etc.

 

In work for example it has less impact because if you are competent and do your job well, that's more important than "how you see yourself".

 

You can also have low self-esteem in one area of life and high self-esteem in others. For example, my self-esteem is very low when it comes to guys but it's high when it comes to my career and making friends.

[SpiralOut]

''What are they doing that I am not doing?''

 

Low self-esteem manifests differently in different people. Some people feel their own efforts are useless so they feel justified in using others'. That sounds like the acquaintances you describe. Other people feel like they don't deserve to be helped by others, and that sounds more like you.

 

But you're on the right track by working on yourself, and the end result you want is to be happy with yourself and not with perceived financial or social success. In any case, from what I've read, you have decent self-respect which is generally considered to be healthier than self-esteem. Good luck.

 

What have I said to indicate I don't like accepting help from others? I am not denying it. Just curious to know where you got that from.

[SpiralOut]

Many people with low self-esteem overcompensate by working extra hard. Workaholics, for example. They believe their self worth is based on their career.

 

Don't worry about other people. You can't change them.

 

Yeah that's true. I used to panic and not enjoy any of my relationships because I was so fearful of it going wrong. What a horrible feeling that was, being dependent on someone for my emotional stability. I'm glad that I cut that out. I suddenly don't feel so jealous anymore...

 

And whatever you do, don't think people who post things on FaceBook are having the time of their lives. Someone might post a picture of a dog, a house, or a kid...

 

but it just might be that the house could be breaking the bank, the kid might be a terror and the dog a chronic farter.

Lol that made me laugh. Thanks for that. Yeah I cut down my facebook time significantly and I feel much better for it.

 

Firstly, how do you know they have self-esteem issues?

The signs are there.

 

 

You can also have low self-esteem in one area of life and high self-esteem in others. For example, my self-esteem is very low when it comes to guys but it's high when it comes to my career and making friends.

 

That's true. I forgot about that.

Edited April 18, 2014 by SpiralOut

[The dot]

The signs are there.

 

That's a little vague. A lot of people act a certain way around certain people that may not reflect they way the other 98% of their life is.

[SpiralOut]

That's a little vague. A lot of people act a certain way around certain people that may not reflect they way the other 98% of their life is.

I never said otherwise.

[M30USA]

High self esteem is overrated. You know who has been shown to have among the highest self esteem by psych studies? Bullies.

 

Better goals to pursue than self esteem are better performance, discovering truth/knowledge, and having good character. Some self esteem is necessary for these things, but not HIGH self esteem.

Edited April 18, 2014 by M30USA

[pink_sugar]

Is there a reason you are focusing on "living with lack of self esteem" rather than trying to improve it? I struggled with lack of self esteem for years. However, over time, by facing my fears and with therapy, I have quite a bit of healthy self esteem. Despite many setbacks throughout my life, I've had much success after getting outside my comfort zone. I still deal with daily anxiety issues, which I take daily medication for.

[D-Fens]

Hi SpiralOut, using my phone so can't quote you. It wasn't anything that you said but you sound very self sufficient and self sufficient people sometimes have difficulty accepting help. I promise I meant that well!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Is there a reason you are focusing on "living with lack of self esteem" rather than trying to improve it? I struggled with lack of self esteem for years. However, over time, by facing my fears and with therapy, I have quite a bit of healthy self esteem. Despite many setbacks throughout my life, I've had much success after getting outside my comfort zone. I still deal with daily anxiety issues, which I take daily medication for.

 

I have noticed that coming back from setbacks repeatedly builds your self-esteem. If no matter what happens you survive and thrive, it makes future setbacks have less impact.

[dichotomy]

I have read this "you would be surprised at the number of successful people who have feelings their success is a fraud and they are going to get found out some day as worthless and untalented"

 

Self esteem and insecurity take many forms.

[mea_M]

Of course they can. However, they really need to

Learn about self love first. It's not that hard if one takes the time to see all the good. After a while it becomes a habit. A healthy habit. You can do it!

 

Mea :-)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have read this "you would be surprised at the number of successful people who have feelings their success is a fraud and they are going to get found out some day as worthless and untalented"

 

Self esteem and insecurity take many forms.

 

I had that problem for many years. I thought getting good grades, scholarships, degrees and later a good job was all a fluke. I even said so in my first interview when the interviewer said "Wow these are some impressive grades", I responded "That was just a fluke". He laughed because he thought I was joking. I wasn't.

 

It took me a long time and repeated success to see that my "fluke" theory really makes no sense and is in fact impossible.

[SpiralOut]

Is there a reason you are focusing on "living with lack of self esteem" rather than trying to improve it? I struggled with lack of self esteem for years. However, over time, by facing my fears and with therapy, I have quite a bit of healthy self esteem. Despite many setbacks throughout my life, I've had much success after getting outside my comfort zone. I still deal with daily anxiety issues, which I take daily medication for.

 

I was questioning the point of trying to improve my self-esteem when others with the same problem still manage to find success in their life. If others are able to be the way they are and do just fine why can't I?

 

I've been thinking since my original post and I've decided that feeling at peace with myself matters more than any outward sign of success. What's the point of having things if I feel fearful every day? I still have insecurities, but I'm not as defensive as before, and I don't care AS much about what others think of me as I used to. I feel a certain amount of freedom.

[Eunice Carter]

Nothing can hurt our self-esteem more than unfair comparisons. Joe has 3,000 Facebook friends while I only have 300. Mary can outrun me on the field when we play ball. Elizabeth has a bigger house and a nice car than I do. You can see how this might impact our feelings about ourselves, the more we do this sort of thing.

 

I know it’s tough, but you need to stop comparing yourself to others. The only person you should be competing against is yourself. These comparisons are unfair because you don’t know as much as you think you do about these other people’s lives, or what it’s really like to be them. You think it’s better, but it may be 100 times worse than you can imagine. (For instance, Joe paid for that many friends; Mary’s parents have had her in sports training since she was 3; and Elizabeth is in a loveless marriage that only appears to be ideal.)

[Samara11]

I was wondering the same thing tonight... I have low self-esteem, and I've suffered as a result for years. Yes, people do treat you poorly, especially if they sense that you are needy/desperate/looking for acceptance. I find that low SE affects friendships the most, because you can never seem to get enough positive reinforcement from others, and people get tired of constantly trying to make you feel good about yourself. I haven't quite found the solution to low self-esteem.... therapy, I suppose. Although for someone like me, therapy hasn't helped too much, because I think a lot of my issues are caused by an abusive mother in childhood.

[Jana1]

When you have low self-esteem it is as though there is someone constantly behind you, reminding you of everything that you do not like about yourself. If you manage to make it through the day with only 1.500 calories that person behind you asks why you couldn’t make it to 1.200. If you get a promotion that person may tell you that the only reason that YOU got the promotion is because someone else turned it down or because they felt sorry for you.

 

Low self-esteem makes life harder, and I think that it is something that you have to address. At least I did (and currently still am) to get some enjoyment out of my life at all.

[KathyM]

Low self esteem is usually the result of negative or lack of positive messages from parents during childhood. If you had a narcissistic parent who felt the need to berate you, or had a parent who was abusive or neglectful, your self esteem likely did not develop sufficiently. The good news is that there is a lot you can do to improve your self esteem. Things like improving self care, and engaging in activities that will give you a sense of pride or accomplishment or fulfillment. Giving yourself positive messages on a daily basis also helps to improve self esteem. I would also suggest making a list of all your positive qualities and reminding yourself of those things on a daily basis. You have the power to build your self esteem at any age or stage of your life.