mysticrain Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 How long do i wait? I am in a relationship with a guy who is perfect. We have been a couple for a month. I met him online and we have known each other for 4 months now. That already included us chatting, meeting and going out and then finally agreeing to be a couple. But the thing is he just couldn’t say it that he loves me. I am 25 years old and he is 34 years old. He has been through 4 relationships already. He mentioned to me that it took him such a very long time to forget his very first girlfriend. His very first girlfriend left him for another guy and who is currently married for the 2nd time to someone else, divorced once and had two kids already. But even with those facts when they met last year because the girl went back here in the country he still has that feeling for her. It was only recently that he told me that somehow last year I think after he and I had been going out they met in one of the birthday parties of their common friend that he was able to let go of his feeling for her…And now he is my bf and he still can’t tell me he loves me. I understand a whole lot about guys not wanting to be hurt again and I am not going to. My question is how long do you wait for the guy to tell you that he loves you? All he does is tell me that he misses me and yes we are making love already….I want him to tell me that he loves me..How long can you wait? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 My question is how long do you wait for the guy to tell you that he loves you? hi this is a $61,000 question or whatever... everyone is individual We have been a couple for a month this is definately too soon for saying the 3 words in my experience! I am 25 years old and he is 34 years old. He has been through 4 relationships already. He mentioned to me that it took him such a very long time to forget his very first girlfriend males generally take longer than females to 'fall in love'... he has been burnt probablt many times before you and it will take him longer to really fall for you! I understand a whole lot about guys not wanting to be hurt again and I am not going to he is too long in the tooth to believe this! i'll tell you my last situation... me and my gf were afraid to tell each other we loved one another until it was over! and that was 5 months... because we are over 30, been burnt many times, i tried a bit more than her i think... i sent her a text saying "from your loving boyfriend" , she asked me was i serious? i said "yes" , her christmas present came with the message of "from loving girlfriend to a loving boyfriend"... 2 days later we broke up... next day she says "i love you" hope this helps you mysticrain Link to post Share on other sites
ella Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Hi I would not worry about a month, my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year (In March) and i tell him I love him, because I do, but he tels me he does not feel that way yet. He says he thinks he probably will, but his feelings are not there yet. I never really thought of it as a problem. We are happy together and why break something off if it is good because of the way someone doesn't feel... yet. I never thought it to be a problem. Don't get me wrong, I can not wait until he is in love with me. After I read your message, now I am like, Am I an idiot. After a year wouldn't you love someone already if you were ever going to. What do yall think? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 After a year wouldn't you love someone already if you were ever going to. What do yall think? i would say that he probably does but hasn't expressed it yet! there are guys who drag women along and aren't in love with them... its time you gave him an acid test to make sure! has he expressed any love for you? there are 1000 things a man can say which really mean 'i love you honey' without saying it like that because he doesn't want to scare you although you have told him the 3 words! so............ Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 thanks! I am the kind of girl who only goes out with a guy that i like. And i only indulge myself for a year..But in this kind of situation i am thinking if the guy can't love within 3 months that he was my bf already then i don't think a year would make a difference..I am jsut someone who is comfortable with being told that he feels the same way that i do...And somehow we all know that it will end since there is a duration on the tolerance each of us can give to another person. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 And somehow we all know that it will end since there is a duration on the tolerance each of us can give to another person. jesus you don't want to give it a chance! Link to post Share on other sites
Sunny3715 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I hope this doesn't sound rude but would you rather a guy say it SOON just to make you happy but not fully mean it.... or take a little longer say it but truly be in love with you when he says it???? Personally I would rather wait to hear those three words till they were truly heart felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 It's not that i dont want to give it a chance.. It's just that i feel like i will just be waiting for something that will not happen...I have asked him time and again if he doesnt feel the same way as i do that we can jsut be friends and he can still continue on with the search for the one that would make him fall in love...cause right now im losing what i feel for him because he doesnt love me in return. Somehow when i kiss i can hear voices in my mind telling me that he doesnt love and i will never completely happy with him... There was one time that he knows i will end both of us if he doesnt tell me he loves me...and all he can reply in his text back to me was "luv yah!"..To me it doesnt mean anything unless it was spelled out because everytime he replies to me they are always all spelled out ..this was only the only time that he did not spell out the words... Do you think if il let it got so he can think about what he feels for me is the right or wrong decision? Cause that is what im planning to do..probably within 3 months ..when he will be promoted as the head of one very big corporation in our country (being a corporate lawyer that he is)...i want him to know if he wants me to be a part of his life or not at all..cause i dont want to invest more effort, time and love his way if he isnt planning on giving back anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunny3715 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I personally think it is way too soon to be saying those words. I think you said you've been going out for a month but knowing one another for 4 months?? I dont see there being anything wrong with the fact that you think you are in love with him but him not knowing yet. Just because he doesn't love you yet doesn't mean he never will. I think you are jumping the gun and expecting too much too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 sunny i understand where you are coming from.I might just be playing safe . I know that the longer i spend time with him or know him more the more that i will love him .That is what i want to avoid..Cause it is getting harder to let go when i am in too deep already. I dont want to go through any kind of depression at all.. Guys am i being unfair to your specie?I show this guy how much i care..i how much he means to me...all the time and he knows it...but it really doesnt make me feel complete when i know that he doesnt love me at all...guys how long do you need for you to know that you love a girL? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Some people believe that after half an year you can tell if you have feelings for someone and if you see them in your life on a longer term... On the other hand, although it is stupid to make generalisations, having/fixing NO time frame is a sure way to get hurt. Because we are women, most of us like to express ourselves, and ... we need to hear the magic words. I don't think you're asking for too much. It's normal to be hurt, it's normal to worry. Actions do speak louder than words, but then everythings speaks louder than... silence. On the other hand, if he's blocked on this level... I don't know. You're a fighter, considering that you've stayed 1 year with the guy. Did you try to explain you that you're hurt and considering leaving because of your insecurities? Just talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 oh i havnt stayed with him for a year...we have just been a couple for a month..and i met him last year october 2004..but we have been spending a lot of times together..almost twice a week..there were times that it would be everyday... Well yes ive told him that if he cant love me then i will go...but il give him two more months..and if he cant recognize his feelings for me at all then i think there is no use waiting for him for a year right? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunny3715 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Do you mind if I ask you how old you are?? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by mysticrain I am 25 years old and he is 34 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 I would be worried about him still having feelings for this other girl. Then again you said she was married so I guess she would be no threat to you. How long has it been since he broke up with her and started going out with you? Maybe he started dating too soon since then? Does he act like he loves and cares about you? Sometimes you can tell just by the way someone acts around you. Would you be satisfied with that till the I love you time comes around? He seems to know you love him and hasn't run off scared so you are off to a good start there. Well good luck and I hope everything works out for you. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 if i remember correctly this gal was his first girlfriend and they broke up when they were still in college so that was way back when he was 21 years old i think..and it was only recently that he was able to get over his feelings for her..i think last year when he met me...and he had 3 other girlfriends just before me and i asked him about them ..and he said it was nothing compared to his very first girlfriend...i am 25 years old and he is 34 years old...i think he is just physically attracted to me..There are clues that can tell me he is not that dead serious for me..First and foremost..he hasnt brought me home to his family and introduce me as his girlfriend..i believe also that he will only do that once he found the right one...second...he doesnt want to talk about us..what we feel for each other..all we ever talk about is work...or making out..or what could we have done to make the making out part much more satisfying for both of us..and during the making out part he would look at me and tell me that he can't believe he is kissing someone as gorgeous as me..he is a perfect gentleman ..no comment on that..on our monthsary he gave me flowers and then we ate dinner.. We always see each other every weekend after work almost twice a week and eat dinner ..watch movie..we've talked about love on the phone..and i've asked him if he will ever fall in love with someone again like how he loved his first girlfriend..and he said he doesnt know..and he believes that it is somewhere out there and he is waiting for it to happen naturally...I just thought that..."we have been dating for couple of months and now he is my bf and he still can't determine if he loves me or he doesnt..." ..Well really i think i will miss him when i break up ..he has the softest lips..and he is the most wonderful guy i've met so far..but hey if he cant love me then those things doesnt mean a thing..he might just be the most wonderful guy but if it aint for me then it aint for me. ********* It's funny though cause the girl left him for another guy and yet he continued onloving that girl....and me im here loving him..and yet he cant give me his love Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Maybe he's fallen for you and doesn't know it? In all cases, you're right, he needs a reality check. I think that indeed, you desireve someone who is emotionally available for you. Break up with him and tell him just what yu've told us: that he's a great guy, but he's obviously not ready to be dating. For the moment, all he can offer is surrogate of relationshop. Surrogate of love. Not enough for you. Maybe when realising that he's losing you, he'll confront his feelings. Realise that he needs to move on. And live in the present, not in the past. Hugs and be brave, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
MerAlene Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 I'm 30 and my bf is almost 27. We've been together for 4 months, and a month ago, I told him I loved him. He wasn't ready to hear it let alone say it - so he didn't say it back. He recoiled for a few days. He was uncomfortable in thinking that I cared for him a lot more than he cared for me and didn't think it was fair. I explained to him that saying, "I love you" can mean different things to different people. I really don't think we are on such different levels. He came around after a few days saying, "I've decided I need you in my life... you make me feel good... I like spending time with you..." He has a history of being hurt a lot and it's going to be very hard for him to fully give himself to someone emotionally - it will take time. We have very open communication, which is absolutely wonderful. I know he cares about me a lot - he has said so. However, I don't know if he really loves me - he either does love me and doesn't know it or can't verbalize it yet. Or he doesn't love me yet but likely will in time. We've both made reference to the future a lot - living together, marriage, family/kids. We also met through eHarmony, so I'm pretty sure he's the real deal when it comes to looking for a serious, long-term relationship. Bottom line: I want to hear him say it. I know actions speak louder than words, but I also know what the depth of saying the words will mean to him if and when he does say it to me - and that's why it's important to me. He knows how I feel. How long might it take him to truly feel the same way? I don't want to be waiting for something that may never come, either. Comment to previous posts: I would NEVER be with someone for a YEAR without hearing it. If a mature adult can't figure out the depth of their feelings for someone fairly long before then, they have bigger problems than that particular relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I agree with BrainRight... go for the acid test. A year is a LONG time without a simple "I love you." Okay, so you're not breaking his balls, but please be careful. Hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 hey guys...yes i tried breaking up with him and told him that he doesnt love me and he cant even say the words..and now he keeps on telling me he loves me...He calls me my dear...he will tell me those words and then kiss me...well i was really upset with him one night when we made out cause jsut after the deed he told me that we had to go...so i told him...i dont like being treated that way..i told him that we are going to bf-gf for a year only. now im wondering what is going on in his mind.. cause he said he will do everything to please me..thing is i havnt told him that it was his inability to go an extra mile for me to show me that he loves me..he never for once dropped me off to my office or pick me up from there and his reason is there is so much traffic...but his office is just a couple of minutes away..he is only full of words now..he lacks action or doing the things that he promised he would..like back in december he promised wed go out of town but it never happened at all..so there..so far he has problems keeping his promises and making me his priority. His family still comes first before me..and i haven't met any one them. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Drop him. He's only doing this to appease you, not because he wants to make you happy. It's only going to get worse. | D | R | O | P | | H | I | M | Link to post Share on other sites
Author mysticrain Posted February 26, 2005 Author Share Posted February 26, 2005 Yeah it is getting worst...nothing is going perfect.. he just have time with me for dinner once a week..and then that is it.. all the time it would just be phone calls and emails.. during weekends i never see him at all cause he is busy with whatever.... Link to post Share on other sites
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