Single parents? I fear going it alone!

[lmyya]

I have concluded that I want and also need a divorce, in order to get out of a relationship that's become increasingly unhealthy even through a couple years of couples' counseling.

 

I am having a very difficult time with the thought that my one-year-old son and I will be all alone all evening and night, half the time-- except the times when I'm completely without my baby. It is emotionally overwhelming to imagine. What makes it worse is the uncertainty-- how much will the divorce settlement cost? Will I have to move and uproot my son? How much will daycare cost?

 

My husband is a good father and has bonded with our baby. However, he doesn't really have a job, besides spotty part-time work a couple hours away. He is looking for work here in town; I think he'll continue to live nearby for a while even if we divorce. He can't really have a bank account because of a garnishment order. He is generally disorganized and fairly irresponsible with bills, though I wouldn't really call him dysfunctional. His schedule is always unpredictable, always changing at the last moment. In short, I don't feel that I will receive any child support from him (and I'd waive it anyway for a while, so he can get on his feet). I also don't think I'll get any logistic support from him. He'll be around to continue bonding with our baby son, which is very valuable of course. But I think he'll be extremely upset over the divorce and pretty nasty to me for a while.

 

I'm kind of a shy extrovert, too busy with my job and baby to even take time and figure out how to reach out to old and new friends. And my husband has told me for a couple years now that he objects to me having friends over. (I know, I should've done it anyway-- but how awkward for the half-uninvited guest!) So i have become a bit isolated.

 

I don't really have anyone to lean on right now. My mother isn't able to come around much and help. But it isn't just the help. It's more the emotional uprooting of everything I knew. Walking the floor alone, when I used to have my husband in the house. I fear this even though, as it stands, my husband leaves the second I come home from work, returns to put our baby to bed, and about 95% of the time I'm home, my husband shuts himself in "his" room or leaves the house.

 

I guess five minutes of companionship here and there feels better than no chance of any companionship in the nearby future.

 

I guess that even though we two parents are barely ever in the same room, do not sleep together and lead parallel lives in the same house, it still feels like a divorce will be vastly different from this. Vastly more stranded, for all three of us.

 

But I am also starting to wonder whether I'm just weak and feel unable to weather life's big disappointments with anything close to courage and resolve.

 

Single parents: Were you afraid at first? Does it get better? How did you reach out to make friends, how did you organize your life and make it work?

I'd love to spend a week in the life of a single parent-- especially one who works a full-time career, has a baby, and has little or no money left at the end of the month (like me).

[lollipopspot]

I have concluded that I want and also need a divorce, in order to get out of a relationship that's become increasingly unhealthy even through a couple years of couples' counseling.

 

I am having a very difficult time with the thought that my one-year-old son and I will be all alone all evening and night, half the time-- except the times when I'm completely without my baby... How much will daycare cost?

 

My husband is a good father and has bonded with our baby. However, he doesn't really have a job, besides spotty part-time work a couple hours away.

 

Unless the relationship is abusive, I think it would be better for your child for you to stay married or at least living with the father for at least a few more years. As he doesn't work much, it sounds like that would keep the baby out of daycare.

 

Unless the baby was a real surprise, I do not understand how people with one year olds divorce. You must have known before getting pregnant that the relationship wasn't working. My parents did the same thing, and lack of stability is not good for small children.

[iris219]

...my husband leaves the second I come home from work, returns to put our baby to bed, and about 95% of the time I'm home, my husband shuts himself in "his" room or leaves the house.

 

I guess five minutes of companionship here and there feels better than no chance of any companionship in the nearby future.

 

I guess that even though we two parents are barely ever in the same room, do not sleep together and lead parallel lives in the same house...

 

This sounds like an awful situation. Get counseling or get out. Five minutes of companionship is not worth a lifetime of unhappiness.

 

It's normal to fear the unknown.

 

My FI was afraid to get divorced because of his children. He says now he had no idea it was possible to be so happy. He wishes they had divorced years before but fear kept them together.

 

Once he is gone, I bet you will have more motivation to connect with others and make friends. Even though you don't get much, you are using him as an emotional crutch.

 

Single parents make it work, many without any help from the former spouse.

Edited April 17, 2014 by iris219

[Yarrow]

Unless the relationship is abusive, I think it would be better for your child for you to stay married or at least living with the father for at least a few more years. As he doesn't work much, it sounds like that would keep the baby out of daycare.

 

Unless the baby was a real surprise, I do not understand how people with one year olds divorce. You must have known before getting pregnant that the relationship wasn't working. My parents did the same thing, and lack of stability is not good for small children.

 

To answer your question, it turns out that if the husband is at all abusive, it will tend to escalate during pregnancy. So that's one way people with one year-olds divorce. The woman doesn't find out she's got an abuser for a husband until the baby is already on the way, or she thinks it's not that bad and she can handle him, but he ramps it up once it's too late. Or, less sinister, it is a well documented fact that a new baby puts a strain on a relationship. I think there are studies out that that demonstrate that marital satisfaction goes down after a new baby and comes back up some time around middle age.

 

Not saying that's what is going on here.

 

Lmyya, I was terrified. But I was more terrified of the thought that my ex would teach my child to be a bad person who lies and uses people. I'm making it work. It's not easy, but it's a darn sight easier than it would be if I had to work to undo the damage done by my ex's bad example. Be strong for the sake of your child!