I could use some ... (long story)

[SCmichael]

Please forgive me for making this so long, I just wanted everyone to know the whole story and understand the situation. I am new here but have been reading a lot of posts and feel like this group may be a good sounding board for my situation. Thanks in advance for any input you may have.

 

 

This story actually starts about 12 years ago.

At the time I was married to my best friend. We had a wonderful relationship, family, and jobs. It is hard to believe that my life is in such turmoil after the wonderful relationship I had with her, but here goes.

We moved into a new community in 2002. Everyone seemed nice in the community and we soon made friends with several couples there. There were about 4 couples that we quickly became friends with. One of which was F and J. I will call them that so they can be references later on.

As a close knit community we seemed to always be doing things together. Hanging out, day trips, cookouts etc. and all seemed to become good friends. There was one couple Fand J that were part of that group. They seemed to be “not as social” as the rest of us. Wand I decided to make an effort to be more of friends to F and J. Attempting to socialize with them more, inviting them over, in an effort to become friends. They seemed to not care for socializing as much as the rest, so we left it alone, and went back to our other friends. Soon they never bothered to come around and it was a long time before we seen or heard from them again. (I learned later on why).

Skip ahead to 2007. My wife was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and after a 3 year battle with it she finally gave up the fight. I thought my world had ended. My best friend, lover and wife had left me, not for another man, but for a better life. After watching her suffer for 3 years, I knew that there were going to be some serious changes in my life. God rest her soul.

I spent the better part of the next year mourning over my loss. I associated very little with our friends, and wasn’t interested in dating even at that time. I finally decided that it was time to get my life back and try to move on. I became active in the social circles that we were in before and soon had a better outlook on life, and the things to come.

One of the friends suggested that I start dating. After some encouragement I reluctantly tried my hand at a dating website. I met a few, dated a few, but nothing seemed to stick. I discovered that I was looking for a replacement for the wife. After much thought I rectified the situation, then began dating again. One relationship that lasted about 4 months was over the day she moved in.

So…. About to give up, I engulfed myself into some other activities and some socializing with friends for several months.

Halloween came around and it was time for the Neighborhood Halloween party. F (of F and J) showed up alone. Since I hadn’t spoken to her in quite a while we struck up a conversation. During that conversation she told me that she had left her husband.

I was single, she was (on her way to being) single. We began seeing each other shortly afterwards. It was fun. We had great times and we both were finally enjoying life, and loving every minute of it. She came to me one day and told me that she wanted to try to make things work with her husband. I was heartbroken, hurt, and mad. We had such a wonderful life, and were both finally happy (or so I thought). Reluctantly, I told her if that is what makes you happy, I will go on. We didn’t speak for a few weeks, then out of the blue she showed up at my house. She proceeded to tell me that she had made the worst mistake of her life by moving back in with him. At that point I told her that she had made her decision and that I was unwilling to be part of an “affair” if that was what she was leading up to. She told me that she was moving back out and was hoping that we could see each other again. After a few weeks, and a couple of phone calls, we ended up together again.

Just like last time, we began having a good time, Life was good once again!

Then it happened….. Her STBXH threatened her. He told her that if he ever found out that she was seeing anyone that he would kill her. This was about 3 months ago, and it now causes issues with us. Even though she doesn’t live with him (she lives at her moms), he seems to keep constant tabs on her, calls her several times a day, finds excuses for her to come to his house (taxes, the dog is sick, etc….). I have tolerated it for all this time, but we had planned a cruise for April 4th. At the last minute she backed out of going for fear that he would find out that she was seeing someone. I ended up going by myself. During the cruise I had a lot of time to think, and decided that when I came back, that she had to make some decisions. If she wanted it to continue with us, she had to deal with him, and cut him out of her life. From the way I see it, it is the only way we were to have any peace. I discussed it with her on several occasions, and even last night, she told me that she is scared. Afraid that he will actually try to harm her. We see each other when we can, but our life is so sheltered, that we can’t have a good time anywhere we go.

So here’s my dilemma. I do love her, and am committed to her. I believe in giving 110% in a relationship. It just seems as though there is no end to this. I want a life with her, and she wants one with me. I know she loves me, that has never been a question. She has no friends to speak of, because he made sure that she didn’t have any friendships while they were married. (this is why they didn’t want to be social with the group as mentioned before). He is very introverted, controlling, and a homebody. She is just the opposite. I know that the biggest reason why they aren’t divorced, is that she is scared….very scared.

I have tried to get her to stop the contact with him. Since she has no friends to speak of, she feels like any advice that I give her is jaded (and I am sure it somewhat is), but she has no one else to talk to about it. I don’t want to see anything ever happen to her, but I don’t want her out of my life either. So should I step out? Abandon her as her only friend? I would never abandon a friend (her or anyone else) in their time of need.

I know something has to be done. She can’t continue to go on this way and neither can I. The question is….. What….

[RightThere]

So where is she at with her divorce? Are they just living apart and no real traction on getting separated? If it's dragging out, I think she needs to make that start happening before getting the relationship with you going.

 

As for the threats, has her (ex)husband actually made statements to the effect of "I'll kill you"? If so, she needs to report it. No joking around because if he's saying, he probably wouldn't have to go too far to do some harm to her.

 

The two of you can't really get going on a real relationship until her other relationship is ended or moving in that direction. Not just words, but actions.

[SCmichael]

So where is she at with her divorce? Are they just living apart and no real traction on getting separated? If it's dragging out, I think she needs to make that start happening before getting the relationship with you going.

 

As for the threats, has her (ex)husband actually made statements to the effect of "I'll kill you"? If so, she needs to report it. No joking around because if he's saying, he probably wouldn't have to go too far to do some harm to her.

 

The two of you can't really get going on a real relationship until her other relationship is ended or moving in that direction. Not just words, but actions.

 

They have been in a constant battle over property and assets. He will tell her "you can have the house" then when it comes right down to it, he "changes his mind" same is true with the other assets.

 

Yes he told her "I will kill you if I find out that you are seeing someone else"

I had told her that she needs to contact the authorities, but she says that she is even afraid to do that. we all know that a peace bond or restriction isn't worth the paper it is written on.

 

I seem to agree, and I know she wants to move forward. She is just scared out of her wits over this.

[RightThere]

Yes he told her "I will kill you if I find out that you are seeing someone else"

I had told her that she needs to contact the authorities, but she says that she is even afraid to do that. we all know that a peace bond or restriction isn't worth the paper it is written on.

 

Doesn't matter. The police need to have a record of it. It will also let him know that he can't threaten someone like that.

 

Tough situation. I hope that part of the attraction for the two of you isn't just the "excitement" that comes along with sneaking around and having a secret love affair.

 

Seems like a no win situation at this point. I would probably be there as a friend for her, but cool off on the romantic relationship part until he is out of her life. She does need to start setting some boundaries with him so he's not always coming by.

[SCmichael]

 

Tough situation. I hope that part of the attraction for the two of you isn't just the "excitement" that comes along with sneaking around and having a secret love affair.

 

Well I wouldn't consider it "Sneaking" except for the fact that she hasn't gotten paperwork that says she is divorced. The separation has been in place for some time now. I feel like when he figured out that she wasn't coming back, only then did the problems start.