Two Friends Cancelled Wedding Response :(

[mercuryshadow]

I have three guy friends who I go way back with (yes, I am a female). My fiancé and I got together with them last week for dinner and drinks, and had a great time. All three of them told me they were coming to our wedding, and seemed to be looking forward to it. All of their response cards were received, with confirmed attendance.

 

 

This morning, however, I get a text from Friend A stating that he has to go out of state to work on a house he inherited upon his father's passing, and won't be making the wedding after all. After that, I got a message from Friend B (we are all friends) stating that he decided he wasn't coming because Friend A is not coming, and because he doesn't have a date and doesn't want to come alone. Friend C called me after all of this and assured me that he was still coming and was not thrilled with how Friends A & B handled this so nonchalantly, like it would be no big deal for them to cancel. And also stated that he didn't understand why Friend A couldn't leave to go out of state the next day, instead. He basically apologized for them.

 

 

Yes, I'm feeling very hurt and let Friend A & B know this. I told them that this was a major life event for me, not just a "party", and wished them well. Honestly, as much as I am hurt, I am not surprised; they've flaked on plans with me more times than I can remember. I guess I was naïve enough to hope that such wouldn't be the case for my wedding.

 

 

I was appreciative that friend C reached out to me the way he did. In my mind, I don't foresee myself reaching out again to Friend A or B after this. Am I overreacting? I just feel as though they handled this very carelessly.

Edited April 17, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[J2911]

I don't think as a female you are over reacting.

I believe most females would feel that way.

From the male perspective, a lot of males don't feel that backing out of said event is a big deal .

That was good of your friend C to apologize on behalf and comfort you.

Which shows that all males don't harbor same thought processes on topics .

Congrats on your engagement and wedding !!!!!!

[greyskys62]

Friend A sounds like he had a legitimate excuse.

 

Friend B just sounds selfish.

 

Your wedding is supposed to be your day, so try not to let other people's inconsiderate behavior get you down. As for not talking to them again, I'd drop Friend B like a hot potato, but that might be easier said than done considering your history and group dynamics. I wouldn't pursue the friendship with him anymore, and if he doesn't do anything to "make it up to you," for lack of a better phrase, he's really not worth your time.

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you...

 

 

Just an added detail: Friend A has been "working on" the out of state house for about a year now, so this is no new news for him. So it still hurt, and then Friend B's behavior kind of sealed the deal for me. I've been good to the both of them and I guess I just operate from a place of different standards - I'd never do this to any of my friends.

[sooshi]

I'm sorry to hear this, mercuryshadow. Friend A should still be able to make it, since he's been working on this for about a year already. Friend B is being selfish. It's YOUR big day. So what if he doesn't have a date?! This is about YOU, not him! I'm sorry he did that to you. Kudos to Friend C for being there for you.

[pink_sugar]

Sorry to hear about that. When is your wedding? I had people cancel last minute, once their tickets were already paid for ($50 a head). They had very stupid reasons too and had nearly demanded to be invited in the first place. Your friends sound pretty immature. Most of my friends at the time of my wedding were single....doesn't seem like a valid excuse. Move on with your life and don't let them ruin the planning for you. This is your day.

[Silly_Girl]

This stuff happens. I had a couple of very long term friends let me down in different ways. Your wedding is not top of their priority list.

 

If your life is better with them in it, you may have to swallow this. But if this is not the first time you've been left feeling this way then I think you may need to consider whether you want to draw a line under these friendships.

[whichwayisup]

Friend B is the one who you should be upset and disappointed with. Friend A has a valid excuse. Also, when dealing with inheritances/houses/finance stuff, timing is everything so unfortunately he probably can't go the weekend before. Don't be upset with him..

 

Friend B's excuse is bullsh.t, it's that plain and simple.

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you. I just needed to gauge whether I was overreacting or not, since I'm already under the influence of stress.

 

In regards to friend B, he was just so careless in dealing with this, like changing the response would be no big deal. The funny thing is, friend C is his brother, and I don't understand why he wouldn't just go with him! But at this point, I honestly don't care for his presence. In all honesty, I think some amount of bitterness plays a role here. (again reinstating the argument of why guys and girls most often can't be just friends.)

 

As for friend A, his excuse sounds legit at first glance, but as far as I've seen (via Facebook and his stories), his trips to work on the house consist of him hanging out with his buddies, drinking, and fooling around. And he's been the one to flake in me countless times...and by flake, I mean to not show up for plans we had made. As far as I'm concerned, I've been very good to him. I was there for him when he suddenly became a dad, 4 months earlier than expected.

 

I don't plan on reaching out to either of them again. This speaks volumes to me. Friend C was also shocked at their careless behavior. But for me, if have to say I'm definitely hurt, but not shocked.

 

The wedding is a month away. They were late in sending their response cards back as it was. They were counted in the head count, $80 per person. We will be paying for their heads, unless we can find people to fill empty spots.

 

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback and support.

[pink_sugar]

The wedding is a month away. They were late in sending their response cards back as it was. They were counted in the head count, $80 per person. We will be paying for their heads, unless we can find people to fill empty spots.

 

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback and support.

 

Oh man, that's quite a bit. I can relate. I can understand if there are unforeseen circumstances, but not having a date isn't a valid excuse for costing you an extra $80 from your pocket. I agree, I would probably stop being friends with someone like that or not invite them to any future affairs.

[mercuryshadow]

Thanks, pink...

 

Today I got a text from friend B stating that I was being immature and silly, that it's not a huge deal. He then kept waffling as to why he wasn't coming. At this point, I wouldn't want him there, and don't plan on continuing this friendship.

[sooshi]

I'm sorry that he turned this back around on you, but I hope you know that you're NOT being immature or silly about this, and that it IS a huge deal to you. You're getting married!!!

 

I'm sorry for the way this friendship seems to be turning out.

[pink_sugar]

Thanks, pink...

 

Today I got a text from friend B stating that I was being immature and silly, that it's not a huge deal. He then kept waffling as to why he wasn't coming. At this point, I wouldn't want him there, and don't plan on continuing this friendship.

 

What's silly is this guy who NEEDS a date to a wedding.

Edited April 20, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Silly_Girl]

What's silly is this guy who NEEDS a date to a wedding.

 

I smell ISSUES!!!

[Leigh 87]

Thing is, I know how hard it is to go through a bad break up and be heartbroken.

 

Even if I was dumped, cheated on and my heart ripped out, I would still attend a good friends wedding albeit, I would likely have top excuse myself at times to ball my eyes out.

 

I would still do it for a good friend.

[mercuryshadow]

I've often felt bad for Friend B, because he wants nothing more than to settle down and have a family, but he is terrible with women. He doesn't get past a few dates with anyone because he comes on too strong. Even so, his brother.is coming... It just doesn't make sense, but it's futile at this point for me to try and figure him out. Like I said, I suspect that some amount of bitterness comes into play here.

[pink_sugar]

I've often felt bad for Friend B, because he wants nothing more than to settle down and have a family, but he is terrible with women. He doesn't get past a few dates with anyone because he comes on too strong. Even so, his brother.is coming... It just doesn't make sense, but it's futile at this point for me to try and figure him out. Like I said, I suspect that some amount of bitterness comes into play here.

 

While that is a bummer, your friend is still being pretty childish to not suck it up for one day to attend your wedding. I can understand if he didn't promise to go to begin with, but now you're out $80 because of his rsvp, the least he can do is pay you for the cash lost if he doesn't want to attend so bad.

[Standard-Fare]

I'd say don't take it personally and don't hold a grudge.

 

I have gone out of my way to go to certain friends' weddings out of a sense of loyalty, kind of as a symbolic gesture -- only to regret it later due to the costs/hassles, and the fact that I got zero interaction with my friend during the event. This is especially true of weddings where I've had really no one else to "hang out with" there.

 

I realized that I was kind of an ornament there to fulfill the bride's conception of what makes her day "complete."

 

You simply can't control all of the elements of your wedding. And even if it's your "special day," to many others it is just another event. Not that it's meaningless to them, but they just don't see it in anywhere NEAR the same light as you.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it's just not something to stress about.

[MidwestUSA]

I'd say don't take it personally and don't hold a grudge.

 

I have gone out of my way to go to certain friends' weddings out of a sense of loyalty, kind of as a symbolic gesture -- only to regret it later due to the costs/hassles, and the fact that I got zero interaction with my friend during the event. This is especially true of weddings where I've had really no one else to "hang out with" there.

 

I realized that I was kind of an ornament there to fulfill the bride's conception of what makes her day "complete."

 

You simply can't control all of the elements of your wedding. And even if it's your "special day," to many others it is just another event. Not that it's meaningless to them, but they just don't see it in anywhere NEAR the same light as you.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it's just not something to stress about.

 

The simple thing to do then, if this is the way you feel, is to NOT RSVP saying you're going. The bride has invested $80 a plate on people who are not going to show.

 

 

We'd MUCH rather you make your intention known up front, and if that's the way you feel. I'm sure the bride would rather not have you put out by attending.

[Standard-Fare]

The simple thing to do then, if this is the way you feel, is to NOT RSVP saying you're going. The bride has invested $80 a plate on people who are not going to show.

 

 

We'd MUCH rather you make your intention known up front, and if that's the way you feel. I'm sure the bride would rather not have you put out by attending.

 

Yeah, I do agree with this -- I'd never go RSVP then bail, especially late in the game. That's just rude and unnecessary. And the OP's guy friends are lame to do that.

 

I was just trying to get a general point across. It's the bride's special day, but for a lot of people on the guest list... it's a fun event but probably not a big priority. That whole "It's my wedding day so everything has to go exactly as I want" mentality can just get grating.

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly, if they can't make it, then the show will still go on and my advice to you is stop worrying about male friend A,B,and C and focus on friend H..................as in husband.

[mercuryshadow]

I never imagined I'd be so stressed over this wedding. If I could go back and take my own sister's advice, I'd have opted for a private getaway for just me, FI and immediate family.

 

 

You're right, bubba, I've gotta stop stressing and focus on what this day is really about.

 

 

Thank you.

[MidwestUSA]

I never imagined I'd be so stressed over this wedding. If I could go back and take my own sister's advice, I'd have opted for a private getaway for just me, FI and immediate family.

 

 

You're right, bubba, I've gotta stop stressing and focus on what this day is really about.

 

 

Thank you.

 

I sure wish that's what I had done!

 

Truth is, the dog and pony show was basically for my parents. I had read somewhere that one could expect 10% of the people who RSVPed in the affirmative to not show. And that figure was on the money in my case. I think each person assumes 'well, it's just me, one person'. I had 21 no shows out of just over 200 people.

 

Haha, I can probably still tell you who they were to this day (I got married in '88!)

 

Yea, you'll eventually have to let it go. Enjoy your new married life!

[pink_sugar]

I sure wish that's what I had done!

 

Truth is, the dog and pony show was basically for my parents. I had read somewhere that one could expect 10% of the people who RSVPed in the affirmative to not show. And that figure was on the money in my case. I think each person assumes 'well, it's just me, one person'. I had 21 no shows out of just over 200 people.

 

Haha, I can probably still tell you who they were to this day (I got married in '88!)

 

Yea, you'll eventually have to let it go. Enjoy your new married life!

 

I agree, we would have spent much less on our wedding if we could go back. It was very stressful and rushed. Oh well, just try and focus on you and your H and don't let other people's pettiness ruin your day.

[Fugu]

I have three guy friends who I go way back with (yes, I am a female). My fiancé and I got together with them last week for dinner and drinks, and had a great time. All three of them told me they were coming to our wedding, and seemed to be looking forward to it. All of their response cards were received, with confirmed attendance.

 

 

This morning, however, I get a text from Friend A stating that he has to go out of state to work on a house he inherited upon his father's passing, and won't be making the wedding after all. After that, I got a message from Friend B (we are all friends) stating that he decided he wasn't coming because Friend A is not coming, and because he doesn't have a date and doesn't want to come alone. Friend C called me after all of this and assured me that he was still coming and was not thrilled with how Friends A & B handled this so nonchalantly, like it would be no big deal for them to cancel. And also stated that he didn't understand why Friend A couldn't leave to go out of state the next day, instead. He basically apologized for them.

 

 

Yes, I'm feeling very hurt and let Friend A & B know this. I told them that this was a major life event for me, not just a "party", and wished them well. Honestly, as much as I am hurt, I am not surprised; they've flaked on plans with me more times than I can remember. I guess I was naïve enough to hope that such wouldn't be the case for my wedding.

 

 

I was appreciative that friend C reached out to me the way he did. In my mind, I don't foresee myself reaching out again to Friend A or B after this. Am I overreacting? I just feel as though they handled this very carelessly.

 

If you knew that friends A and B were flakes, why did you expect them to be any different this time? People are who they are. Accept them for who they are, or find other friends. I'm not saying what they're doing is right - it's not. But maybe it's better to find more reliable friends and invite them to the wedding and life events that matter, and invite the flaky friends out to big gatherings where their presence or absence isn't noticed.