Would you date someone who has knowingly been the other man/woman?

[ThatMan]

These threads always crack me up. The fact is, 99% of people are going to simply lie if you ask them about their past. It's like asking a woman how many men she's *really* slept with. Do you ever think that a woman who's had 250 sexual partners will ever volunteer that information? Seriously, if you meet a 30 year old woman who's only lived in your state for two years, how will you know what she did for the other 28 years of her life?

 

Besides, people cheat for a variety of reasons, and those reasons may not necessarily be a factor in their life today. I do believe that getting involved with someone who is cheating *now* is a bad move, because you're setting low standards for your own relationship if you do that. But as far as the past goes, there is no way to know for sure. You either accept the possibility, or you simply stay out of the dating game. Period.

I really think you're onto something here. This is why I believe it's far better to have conversations over coffee and ask them whether or not they would date an other man/woman. Just ask, "What do you think about OW/OM?" When you get responses like pickflicker's that encourage deceit you need to run, run, run, and keep running. This is all about learning their values and not their relationship graveyard.

 

Problems that exist in the present are always far more noteworthy either way. So I think it's best to focus on the present and not the past. The indications of their character really are so easy to spot over just one casual discussion.

[Arieswoman]

Thatman,

 

I really think you're onto something here. This is why I believe it's far better to have conversations over coffee and ask them whether or not they would date an other man/woman. Just ask, "What do you think about OW/OM?" When you get responses like pickflicker's that encourage deceit you need to run, run, run, and keep running. This is all about learning their values and not their relationship graveyard.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

 

You nailed it here.

[The dot]

The dot,

 

 

 

That's exactly what I meant when I talked about "indicators" and "leopards not changing their spots".

 

Well, yes, but those aren't things you're going to discover by asking someone "Were you involved in an affair in 2001?". A person who's still going to nightclubs certainly isn't going to say "yes" to that, even if it's true. And it may not be true. The things I mentioned were indicators of trouble *today*, not because they had an affair in the past, but because a person who still wants to go to those places probably doesn't dig me enough to stay monogamous with me. And I can live with that, it just means I won't make the sacrifices to say monogamous with them either.

[kaylan]

The point is, it doesn't do anything to maximise your chance of finding that person. Think about it. Who's the better choice? The person who fronts up and tells you about their past, or the person who simply lies to you (as most people will do)? By your logic, you'll end up with the person who lied to you, which means they can just as easily lie to you again. Granted, at the time you'll probably "feel" that the person is right for you, but you'll never know for sure either way.

Whos better? The truly honest person who doesnt have a past I find offputting. Stop acting like the two choices you gave are the only available options.

 

By your logic I could only end up with a liar...or someone whos upfront...but still those are two people who could treat me poorly like they did their past partner. Wheres the option for selecting a person who never cheated? Why do you leave that option out?

Again, you have absolutely now way of knowing what a person has or hasn't been up to in their past. All you can really concentrate on is the person they are now, and determine whether that person is likely to cheat on you or not. There's no point trying to focus on their past, because in 99% of cases, you simply won't have that information.

Still BS logic.

 

The past makes us who we are today, and is a good predictor of present behavior. Some people change, many people dont. You can live your life based on the idea that "people will lie to me anyways". But I will live my life trying to date people I can trust wont deceive me. They exist.

 

I will concentrate on that.

[The dot]

I really think you're onto something here. This is why I believe it's far better to have conversations over coffee and ask them whether or not they would date an other man/woman. Just ask, "What do you think about OW/OM?" When you get responses like pickflicker's that encourage deceit you need to run, run, run, and keep running. This is all about learning their values and not their relationship graveyard.

 

It still doesn't guarantee anything. I've seen lots of women say "oh, I would *never* date a man who does {whatever}", and then hook up with that guy within a week. I'm sure a lot of men do the same thing too, but I don't date men, so I can't verify it. Really, actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and the only actions you'll ever be able to verify are their current ones that you observe.

[kaylan]

The dot,

 

You sound like someone whos afraid of being judged and is willing to deceive because of it. Ive never heard someone with a clean slate tell people to just accept that people lie, and to be less selective because of it. Its usually those afraid of being judged of this stuff who tell people to be lenient make up realities in which honest people dont exist.

 

Its stupid...almost like trying to change someones opinion on whether there is a God. Just like you tell us we dont know who will lie, you cant tell us that as if you have an idea of how many truly honest people exist out there.

 

Just because you say anyone can lie, does not mean everyone will lie, and does NOT mean people should stop being selective in order to weed out liars. Using your logic I could say "why have eyewitnesses in court..i mean..anyone can lie cant they? So lets do away with certain types of witnesses, and only use video proof".

It still doesn't guarantee anything. I've seen lots of women say "oh, I would *never* date a man who does {whatever}", and then hook up with that guy within a week. I'm sure a lot of men do the same thing too, but I don't date men, so I can't verify it. Really, actions speak a thousand times louder than words, and the only actions you'll ever be able to verify are their current ones that you observe.

That doesnt mean I will be like those who dont stick by their word. I know what my standards are and they wont change. No cheaters. Thats it.

 

Im not gonna change what I want all because of this boogeyman idea that someone will lie to me to get me into a relationship.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[The dot]

Whos better? The truly honest person who doesnt have a past I find offputting.

 

Well, good luck finding that. A farmer friend of mine has a haystack, I'll bury a needle in there for you to go looking for. You know, when I was your age I had the idea that I would marry a nice, sweet virgin girl too. Guess what, once you get out of high school, it becomes highly unlikely. Those that do remain usually have other baggage from their past such as childhood abuse.

 

By your logic I could only end up with a liar...or someone whos upfront...but still those are two people who could treat me poorly like they did their past partner. Wheres the option for selecting a person who never cheated? Why do you leave that option out?

 

I never left that option out, I simply said you have no way of knowing for sure whether they have or haven't. You still haven't told me how you'll make that distinction beyond simply interrogating them -- and that doesn't work. What if two people both tell you they haven't cheated. How will you know which of them is telling the truth?

 

The past makes us who we are today, and is a good predictor of present behavior. Some people change, many people dont. You can live your life based on the idea that "people will lie to me anyways". But I will live my life trying to date people I can trust wont deceive me. They exist.

 

Well, except that you have no way of knowing what the past is. You still haven't told me of this fool-proof method you have for finding out about someone's past. You keep saying "Oh, I don't want someone with this in their past", but you still haven't told me how you'll find out the truth for yourself. This whole thing is really just an ego trip, a way to pad your post count on a message board by saying "I'm such an ethical guy that I won't tolerate this". Fact is, if you've had any kind of dating life, you've almost certainly already dated the kind of women you claim to despise here.

[The dot]

The dot,

 

You sound like someone whos afraid of being judged and is willing to deceive because of it. Ive never heard someone with a clean slate tell people to just accept that people lie, and to be less selective because of it. Its usually those afraid of being judged of this stuff who tell people to be lenient make up realities in which honest people dont exist.

 

Its stupid...almost like trying to change someones opinion on whether there is a God. Just like you tell us we dont know who will lie, you cant tell us that as if you have an idea of how many truly honest people exist out there.

 

Just because you say anyone can lie, does not mean everyone will lie, and does NOT mean people should stop being selective in order to weed out liars. Using your logic I could say "why have eyewitnesses in court..i mean..anyone can lie cant they? So lets do away with certain types of witnesses, and only use video proof".

That doesnt mean I will be like those who dont stick by their word. I know what my standards are and they wont change. No cheaters. Thats it.

 

Im not gonna change what I want all because of this boogeyman idea that someone will lie to me to get me into a relationship.

 

I think you're overestimating how much I care. I'll give you a clue, I've been registered on this forum longer than you and have a fraction of your post count. I really don't care what you do. I'm not afraid of being judged because I know it happens in every human interaction, and I do it all the time too.

 

I'm simply stating a fact. You can talk about "standards" all you like, but the fact remains that you have no mechanism for weeding out "liars". By the way, courts always refuse to accept the evidence of eye-witnesses who may have a vested interest in the outcome of the case. What you're essentially doing by asking every woman you ever meet about their past is saying "I know you have a vested interest here (assuming they want to be with you), but I'm going to ask you these questions and I expect you to tell the truth". It just doesn't happen that way in the real world.

 

It's nice to say "no cheaters", but unless you plan to put everyone up to a lie-detector test, you'll never know either way.

[kaylan]

Well, good luck finding that. A farmer friend of mine has a haystack, I'll bury a needle in there for you to go looking for. You know, when I was your age I had the idea that I would marry a nice, sweet virgin girl too. Guess what, once you get out of high school, it becomes highly unlikely. Those that do remain usually have other baggage from their past such as childhood abuse.

No need for luck. Why? Because I exist, I have friends who exist, and have seen couples that exist where I know for a fact, the people were honest and didnt deceive others.

 

And nope...im 27, and I havent wanted a virgin since back when I lost my virginity at 18. Ive always wanted a woman with similar sexual experiences to me, and there are plenty. Stop trying to be stupid and compare honesty to virginity.

 

Honesty and fidelity arent as rare as virginity is in my age group or any age group. Plenty of honest people exist...despite the loads of selfish liars in the world.

 

I never left that option out, I simply said you have no way of knowing for sure whether they have or haven't. You still haven't told me how you'll make that distinction beyond simply interrogating them -- and that doesn't work. What if two people both tell you they haven't cheated. How will you know which of them is telling the truth?

Again, faulty logic...because your only response is..."well you cant simply know from what they tell you...so just drop your standards in general" Thats the crap your peddling.

 

Why should I drop my standards just because some people lie? Thats like saying "the police should stop policing just because people break the law. I mean its obvious too many people dont wanna follow the rules...so why have them". Thats the same bs logic of your argument that "well people lie, and you cant know whos lying...so drop your standards and date these people you think arent your type"

 

Well, except that you have no way of knowing what the past is. You still haven't told me of this fool-proof method you have for finding out about someone's past. You keep saying "Oh, I don't want someone with this in their past", but you still haven't told me how you'll find out the truth for yourself. This whole thing is really just an ego trip, a way to pad your post count on a message board by saying "I'm such an ethical guy that I won't tolerate this". Fact is, if you've had any kind of dating life, you've almost certainly already dated the kind of women you claim to despise here.

There is no fool proof method...but that doesnt mean that people shouldnt maximize their chances of finding a good, honest, non cheating mate. Stop with the ***** logic please.

 

And Ive had a dating life, but only 2 serious girlfriends. Its a rare woman that I click with enough and whos good enough to pass into the realm of commitment. And I think its great. Its saved me a lot of trouble. If I had be more lenient and seriously date some of these women, Id have had a way more troublesome dating life.

 

Your advice is terrible for people.

[Leigh 87]

Kaylan,

 

Do you mind if women omit things from their teens?

 

When I was a teen I cheated, but I am 27 now so I never felt it relevant since.. yeah I am not my teenage self and I haven't cheated since.

 

Do you mean what a woman has done in the past ten years?

Or does beyond ten years count?

Does it matter if they were teenagers?

 

I have actually told most men about my past and they didn't care, however lately it seems fairly evident that I could have very well encountered men who would have left me over it, or at least felt betrayed that I didn't reveal my teenaged cheating ways?

[kaylan]

I think you're overestimating how much I care. I'll give you a clue, I've been registered on this forum longer than you and have a fraction of your post count. I really don't care what you do. I'm not afraid of being judged because I know it happens in every human interaction, and I do it all the time too.

If you dont care, then shut it, and be gone with your poor logic

 

I'm simply stating a fact. You can talk about "standards" all you like, but the fact remains that you have no mechanism for weeding out "liars". By the way, courts always refuse to accept the evidence of eye-witnesses who may have a vested interest in the outcome of the case. What you're essentially doing by asking every woman you ever meet about their past is saying "I know you have a vested interest here (assuming they want to be with you), but I'm going to ask you these questions and I expect you to tell the truth". It just doesn't happen that way in the real world.

Allow me to repeat it again since your comprehension skills are lacking....just because bad things can happen, does NOT mean people shouldnt do whats in their power to prevent them from occurring.

 

Understand buddy?

 

And I dont sit and interrogate women. The past comes up in regular conversation...as if its no big deal. Thats a regular part of getting to know someone. And I also take note of their behavior and responses to other peoples relationships. Thats another great way of finding out how someone feels about something, without outright interrogating them.

 

In a trusting relationship, the past usually comes up without issue.

It's nice to say "no cheaters", but unless you plan to put everyone up to a lie-detector test, you'll never know either way.

Theres that garbage logic again

[verydazednconfused]

No, I hate cheaters. I wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman that helped destroy a relationship or marriage. If they can cheat with someone else, then more than likely they can cheat on you.

[kaylan]

Kaylan,

 

Do you mind if women omit things from their teens?

 

When I was a teen I cheated, but I am 27 now so I never felt it relevant since.. yeah I am not my teenage self and I haven't cheated since.

 

Do you mean what a woman has done in the past ten years?

Or does beyond ten years count?

Does it matter if they were teenagers?

 

I have actually told most men about my past and they didn't care, however lately it seems fairly evident that I could have very well encountered men who would have left me over it, or at least felt betrayed that I didn't reveal my teenaged cheating ways?

If you read my OP, youd see I did say Id be more lenient regarding things well in the past and especially if the person showed remorse. Every situation is different though.

 

That said, I dont see why people get bent out of shape about someone wanting a likeminded partner of a similar experience to them.

 

And let me ask you a similar question regarding teenage experiences. Say a guy experiments once with another boy as a teen. And then decided he was no longer curious and was now in fact straight...would you date him seriously? Because I know most women wouldnt date such a guy. Also because Ive noticed the whole "past is the past" argument changes for people because while they wanna be accepted for their own past, they still have things they do judge in someone elses past (even if they dont wanna be upfront about it)

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[Leigh 87]

It leaves a bad taste in my mouth that there are many who lie about their pasts.

 

I am not having a go at you, it also pains me to have to talk about my past to new lovers.

I still do it though even though it hurts me to re hash my past.

It would hurt me if my new relationships were based on lies.

 

I actually used casual sex as a form of self harm for a year of my life all up. Having casual ONS was so distressing I had to seek professional help in order to come to terms with why I did it.

The last thing I want to do is talk about my romantic history with new men, but I still do it because I owe it to myself and the man to have a relationship based on the total truth, 100% who I am, past and present.

 

Many men will see you for who you are; others, however, may judge you. Or, they may think you are a fine person but your paste makes them uncomfortable.

It is no picnic having to re hash my promiscuous year of my life out of ten good, clean years where I was abstinent outside of loving relationships.

 

Like former cheaters, I still confess my total sexual past. I have had very conservative men into me before, I didn't like them in that way but you can bet your bottom dollar that they would have been PISSED had I withheld my past HAD I actually wanted to date them.

And hey, I have had one conservative guy tell me that he didn't care about my past, so there ARE even conservative men out there who are cool with a history of cheating or promiscuity.

My own boyfriend doesn't have a high count and he has never cheated. He knows I did, I told him on the second date.

 

It is not about judging people.

 

No one is saying that a person who was the OM/OW cannot change.

[Leigh 87]

If you read my OP, youd see I did say Id be more lenient regarding things well in the past and especially if the person showed remorse. Every situation is different though.

 

That said, I dont see why people get bent out of shape about someone wanting a likeminded partner of a similar experience to them.

 

And let me ask you a similar question regarding teenage experiences. Say a guy experiments once with another boy as a teen. And then decided he was no longer curious and was now in fact straight...would you date him seriously? Because I know most women wouldnt date such a guy. Also because Ive noticed the whole "past is the past" argument changes for people because while they wanna be accepted for their own past, they still have things they do judge in someone elses past (even if they dont wanna be upfront about it)

 

 

 

I have a zero tolerance policy regarding men who have ever experimented.

 

I actually had the hottest body builder confess he kissed a guy and didn't hate it. TBH it lessened my attraction towards him. I would never have been comfortable with him irrespective of how sexy he was. He was also a really great guy:o

 

Being the OM I could ... yeah I don't know. It is so easy to have a passionless marriage because you wanted a family, the house, kids... and you had no time to find the love of your life so ..you pick a partner who is stable and secure versus a great love...

It is hard to leave possibly your best friend and a person you love dearly, albeit not in "that way". I have empathy for those who cheat yet I hate them at the same time for being SO weak so as to not LEAVE their partner before cheating.

I am on the fence about dating an OM. Initially it was a "no" when I first saw your thread title.

 

Anyways, I tell men I have experimented with women.

I never realised it bothered man until you actually took an issue to it.. not an "issue" but rather, you wouldn't want to date a girl who had, well... "fooled around" with other females.

Even though it was for all of 5 seconds when it happened the 3 times and I did not enjoy it or feel aroused by it.

Just good to get it out there.. Not feel the relationship is built on lies.

I wasn't aware all guys cares until coming to this website though, so now I do disclose even my teen experimentation phase.

 

I totally understand if a guy doesn't want to date me because I fooled around with a few women. Period. It is irrelevant that I wasn't actually into it.

[kaylan]

^Lol, I always find it funny how women who have experimented, dont wanna date men who have.

 

But besides that...like I said, everyone has stuff they dislike about a potential partners past. No one is accepting of everything...at least not in my opinion.

It leaves a bad taste in my mouth that there are many who lie about their pasts.

 

I am not having a go at you, it also pains me to have to talk about my past to new lovers.

I still do it though even though it hurts me to re hash my past.

It would hurt me if my new relationships were based on lies.

 

I actually used casual sex as a form of self harm for a year of my life all up. Having casual ONS was so distressing I had to seek professional help in order to come to terms with why I did it.

The last thing I want to do is talk about my romantic history with new men, but I still do it because I owe it to myself and the man to have a relationship based on the total truth, 100% who I am, past and present.

 

Many men will see you for who you are; others, however, may judge you. Or, they may think you are a fine person but your paste makes them uncomfortable.

It is no picnic having to re hash my promiscuous year of my life out of ten good, clean years where I was abstinent outside of loving relationships.

 

Like former cheaters, I still confess my total sexual past. I have had very conservative men into me before, I didn't like them in that way but you can bet your bottom dollar that they would have been PISSED had I withheld my past HAD I actually wanted to date them.

And hey, I have had one conservative guy tell me that he didn't care about my past, so there ARE even conservative men out there who are cool with a history of cheating or promiscuity.

My own boyfriend doesn't have a high count and he has never cheated. He knows I did, I told him on the second date.

 

It is not about judging people.

 

No one is saying that a person who was the OM/OW cannot change.

Good post.

 

And thats the thing. Youre an honest girl...which means honest women exist. You also met a conservative man who was ok with your less than conservative past. Which means people can find someone who likes them without having to resort to deception.

 

Thats all I was trying to put across to the other poster I was disagreeing with

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[Leigh 87]

I can see why people get offended. They could be mother Teresa NOW, and yet have a colourful past.

 

The thing with you is, Kaylan... you prefer middle class, professional women, who have not messaged around with girls and who are fit. And have not cheated. And I am sure a few other things. This is nor unreasonable.

 

I obviously don't fit your description since I am still at college at my age and have experimented with women, but you don't think I am less of a person because of it. Especially since you know I am now doing my best in life. I am just not for you. No worries.

 

I don't think you would look down on a woman if your good friend was dating one who had been the OW yet had since changed and was by all accounts, a wonderful person. She just wouldn't be for you.

[kaylan]

I can see why people get offended. They could be mother Teresa NOW, and yet have a colourful past.

 

The thing with you is, Kaylan... you prefer middle class, professional women, who have not messaged around with girls and who are fit. And have not cheated. And I am sure a few other things. This is nor unreasonable.

 

I obviously don't fit your description since I am still at college at my age and have experimented with women, but you don't think I am less of a person because of it. Especially since you know I am now doing my best in life. I am just not for you. No worries.

 

I don't think you would look down on a woman if your good friend was dating one who had been the OW yet had since changed and was by all accounts, a wonderful person. She just wouldn't be for you.

I would hope what I desire isnt unreasonable xD. And tbh, I wouldnt mind a woman our age still being in college so long as she was had cash to get by and had a plan for her future. And regarding teenage experimentation...I could overlook it if it was like making out and she was sure shes straight.

 

And I have friends whove done things I disliked. I give them my opinion in a caring manner and leave it be. I dont disown them, but I will let them know if I am disappointed. And I by no means try and tell my buddy who to date unless the girl is obviously and glaringly bad for him. Id just say "dude be careful this time".

[dichotomy]

Unfortunately I did (unknowingly) and I also married her. Made matter worse she kept a hidden emotional relationship going with one of the MM... till shortly after we were married when it all came out and it all blew up in her face. She/we have paid the price for this in our marriage.

 

It is a long story why she got into this poor lifestyle choices for a few years before she met me - but will say it was only a few years and part of a manic time in her life in response to real loss and abuse (no excuses just reasons why). We have spent years in our marriage and in therapy dealing with this - she was really messed up then and needed therapy but used other ways to cope with her emotional and mental illness. She has grown and learned from this - but it was such a painful process for both of us. Such a loss.

 

Also to be fair - I have some unpleasant baggage and scars from life...and mistakes I made from my past as well, things that I struggled when to confess at some point to women, and waited longer than I should have to put it on the table. I still beat myself up on that sometimes -as I should. I finally resolved most of this about a year ago myself in individual therapy. But when is the right time to air dirty laundry (and/or life scars) when dating?

 

But to get to the main question - no I would not have dated her (certainly early in dating) if I knew everything and more importantly than what she did - was how she felt about it back then. This was not distant past -or long ago phase - she was still very mucked up in this lifestyle and emotional illness - when we started dating. She knew this too about me - which is why she lied and hid it. But I fell in love and married her and that is a different place to accept things than dating.

 

Water under or over the bridge at this stage in our life and marriage. Been years now since OM or others were in the picture. She is better person and so am I. But one or two related issues from that "crazy time" remain and she is now in individual therapy and working on those remaining things.

 

Love changes things.

Edited April 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[The dot]

Theres that garbage logic again

 

That's because it's not presented as "logic", it's just a simple fact. As someone else has already said, do you really think a quality, "innocent" woman who's worth being with will even stand for these little questions? OF course not, because she has a lot of other men to pick from. The only women you'll end up with will be the cheaters who are lying to you.

 

Really, I think you're spending too much time on this forum. You're running around saying "I won't stand for this or that", chances are you've already dated women with those issues and not even realised it. If a woman is, in fact, going to cheat on you, there are far more reliable indicators in their current behaviour than you'll ever get from asking questions about their past. In fact, if I were a female and dating you, I'd probably be more likely to cheat on someone who *was* asking those questions, simply because I'd be pissed at all the questions.

[The dot]

Again, faulty logic...because your only response is..."well you cant simply know from what they tell you...so just drop your standards in general" Thats the crap your peddling.

 

No, it isn't. Clearly you've not read any of my posts, preferring to simply rant about what you'd prefer to believe I said. What I actually said was you need something more reliable to assess whether or not people meet your standards than asking them about their past, because you won't weed anybody out that way. Seriously, do you really expect woman who *has* cheated on someone to tell you that? What Planet do you live on?

[The dot]

And thats the thing. Youre an honest girl...which means honest women exist.

 

Again, you don't know that. You're basing that on a few lines of text on a screen. Dude, you need to get away from this forum and learn how the world really works.

[cocorico]

Yes, I would. I have. We are now M.

[anne1707]

Yes, I would. I have. We are now M.

 

 

But seeing as you were the OW in his first marriage and have been the OW in other marriages too then really it would have been very hypocritical of you not to date someone who has had an affair.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with the OP in that it makes perfect sense to try and find a partner that has the same moral viewpoint as yourself.

 

However, I also agree that there is nothing you can do if people choose to lie to you.

 

The best anyone can do is take the time to get to know someone else really well, and ask a few questions. Just in general conversation, that is, not the "we-need-to-sit-down-and-have-a-talk" situation which would put any reasonable person's back up.

 

Years ago, I dated a guy whose wife had cheated on him and left for another man. As I had also been cheated on (and divorced my WS because of it) I thought we had a common understanding of the hurt that infidelity causes.

 

Oh boy was I wrong !

 

We went out for 9 months and it got serious, there was talk of moving in together and the "M word" got mentioned.

One day, out of the blue, after 9 months of "courting", he broke down and told me he had been lying to me and had been cheating ever since the start of the relationship.

 

I was gob-smacked.

 

Apparently he was still sleeping with his ex-wife, was also cheating with a married woman at work, and was having 3-somes (MFM) with a guy at work and his wife ( !! )

 

He was a shift-worker, so it was quite easy to hide this all from me.

 

I told him that it was over and handed him his coat. He cried all the harder and said that he never would have done it if he knew it would have meant losing me (?)

 

Apparently when he was courting his now ex-wife he told her that he wasn't going to be monogamous until after they were married. He claims he was monogamous after he married.

 

So we were never on the same page to start with and the whole relationship was built on false premises.

 

My mistake was that I assumed things about him without any basis for doing so. I never asked any questions. But there again, would he have told me the truth?

 

All I know is that I dodged a bullet. Phew !