Holiday with separated husband?

[rj243]

Hi there, all

 

I really need some advice!

 

H and I separated about a month ago. We have a young daughter (4). So far, things are fairly friendly, but H has had depression for some time, so his moods can vary a great deal.

 

Before we separated, we booked to go away for a few weeks later this year. I assumed after the split that I would go by myself with my daughter, but now he says he's keen to come along. Claims he can help look after her to give me some time to relax and that it will be better for her to see us friendly.

 

I'm torn - we agree that we want to do what's best for our child, but I don't want this holiday ruined because things are tense, or awkward, or we fight.

 

What would you do?

[SolG]

I spend every Christmas with my xH and daughter. I also have friends who are divorced, but have a family holiday together every year. My personal opinion is that regardless of whether the parents are still 'together' or not a family is still just that; a family. And family holidays are a good way to reinforce and celebrate that fact.

 

However, if you are not on amicable, respectful terms. Don't do it. It won't help anyone--especially Miss 4--if the vacation is a snarky fight fest.

 

Could you compromise and have separate apartments and then deliberately segment the time while you're there? (His time, your time, family time, you and d time, he and d time...?)

 

I don't know... keen to hear what you decide in the end though! Good luck.

[trippi1432]

Honestly...a four year old has no idea what your problems are, she also didn't book the vacation, plan it or is probably even concerned about what is going on in your adult life.

 

we agree that we want to do what's best for our child, but I don't want this holiday ruined because things are tense, or awkward, or we fight.

 

Then don't...it's pretty simple. If you aren't together and each enjoying in the vacation and the simple pleasures of spending time with your 4 year old child...where does it become about either of you?? It's a vacation, come to an agreement not to be tense, make it awkward or fight. If you are out for strange...let it be known..if he is, with his depression...he should be transparent too.

 

I mean really..how can parents who are at odds screw up a vacation for a 4 year old with their own problems, other than by projection?

[The dot]

Honestly...a four year old has no idea what your problems are, she also didn't book the vacation, plan it or is probably even concerned about what is going on in your adult life.

 

 

Don't be too sure about that. Kids are smart, they know when something isn't right. Even if they don't fully understand the complexities of an adult relationship, do you think that girl doesn't sense that *something* was going on when daddy went away and now suddenly comes back for the vacation? Do you think she doesn't sense that *something* is up with Daddy's mood swings?

 

Tell H to get some therapy for his depression, and then come back to you when things are back to normal again.

[TaraMaiden]

The separation is recent. has your daughter manifested any unusual uncharacteristic behaviour since 'daddy went away'...?

 

There's your gauge.

 

I would go just with your daughter and advise your H that the reason you separated was his unpredictability (is that correct?);

 

In any case, until he has that under control, then joint ventures are not a good idea; they'll confuse your daughter too much.