Why its good to friends while married.

[headspins]

In this day&age with all the technology @ our hands its become so easily accessible to communicate. Particularly, in a way that your spouse essentially has no idea, or clue abou t cuz your either texting, or FBing. Its become so ridiciulous that i deleted mine long ago. I still had to tolerate my counterpart being more attentive to her phone than me. No way could o compete against FB! Are u kidding me? It has become clear to me that my stbx's social life was important for various reasons. One of those reasons although im sure it would be denied byone. Im sure no one would ever admit&say yeah " i always fascinated about my husbsnds friend John". No not me?? Im not like that. Thats wrong!! Well, let me tell you about my stbx. Weve split up 3 times now. Every single time guess what?? She'll never admit it as she never admits to anything. Weak!!! She is on the fricken hunt! She will get what she wants cuz she is attractive. Doesnt matter that she's boring to talk to, or intellectually stimulating. Come on?? ! She is in her second relationship while being married to me. Lol. Additionally had sex with her former boss when we were seperated the 2nd time. Now I did tell her that I forgave her for that, but I really hadn't. I only said that cuz I was betraying her trust by using drugs behind her back&becoming heavily addicted. Now, completely lost within that I have to dig deep.

 

 

I am so lonely&feel so much despair there's not even a word for it. I need to let her go cuz I believe that once I began to I will let.my addiction go as well. Now, plz I am not blaming my addiction on her. NOT @ ALL. I'm just saying that continuing to use will only prolong me getting healthy. In the right way. She has her way&I have mine.

[TaraMaiden]

Sorry, but if 'communication' is so important, please do it properly.

 

Divide your posts into easily-digestible paragraphs, and WRITE PROPER ENGLISH!!

 

You don't need to use abbreviations (@, 'u' 'cuz'....) because this is a forum, not a phone.

 

You may be typing from a phone, but I've also done that loads of times, and never resorted to short-cuts.

 

 

Kick her to the kerb, file for divorce and move on.

 

Get help for your addiction.

You say you're not blaming her for it, but actually, you are.

Quit for yourself, and make yourself a better man.

 

Do you have children? I really hope not....

[headspins]

Well are'nt you full of positivity there Tara. Full of something else as well. Really im blaming her huh when I clearly stated that I was'nt. Nevertheless, you did suggest something totally remarkable with needing to quit for me&nobody else. I have'nt ever heard of that notion. You are brilliant.

 

 

 

I really want to thank you for your response Tara. You come across with such peacefulness&positive, informative input. Whether I have kids, or not is none of your business. I'm sure if you've got kids yourself you're probably really a positive role model for them with so much positivity flowing from you. It's so contagious. Lol. Take care now Tara. Oh! Is this better for you Tara? With the digestible paragraph&communication?

[TaraMaiden]

Bitter, much?

 

You're the drug addict with the cheating wife, not me.

 

Help doesn't always come rolled up in pretty paper with shiny bows.

 

Sometimes, you have to take the tough with the smooth, though not sure how much of that you will get, but we'll see.... so far you have had 43 hits on your thread. And only one person responding. (nearly 23,000 posts to my name, too....)

 

If communication matters - then do it properly.

Or cut your losses, and leave.

 

Your choice.

[TaraMaiden]

Actually, whether you have kids or not is extremely important.

You'll have to think of custody.

And right now, you wouldn't be classified as a fit parent.

 

Would she?

 

how does your kids being taken into care, sound?

 

See?

 

It IS important. And a factor, a vital one, in how you progress.

[headspins]

Tara,

 

 

So its apparent that it's a competition, or popularity contest? Look im not here to argue with anyone, make fun of people, or belittle them. I won't engage in being negative to you anymore despite the energy i'm receiving from you. I'd like to point out to you that I NEVER implied that child custody is an important issue. Did I? Whether I would be deemed an unfit parent because of me having a problem with chemical dependency is' nt based on your judgement now is it Tara? Obviously it does' nt look good. As to me being bitter? Yes, I won't deny that. Its quite obvious that I am. Hence; me being here to vent&hopefully get some insight.

 

Sometimes it takes more time for people to heal, but I am confident in myself that I will. It's okay for me to put my personal issues out there cuz I am determined to overcome the personal hell that YES I put myself in&YES take full responsibility for it.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you have a counsellor, therapist or doctor you can talk to? You need to kick this drug habit, man....

[headspins]

Tara,

 

 

I sincerely apoligize if I seemed defensive towards you. I have an appt with a therapist Mon AM for an hr. A friend of mine thats been down the same road referred me to him. I wanto get on Pail which helps with my particular addiction&me being bipolar. I do have a group NA meeting that ive been to. Im not too comfortable being around alot of people, but i've done that to myself&i need to overcome that anxiety&being anti-social. Its not as if i am uncapable. I just feel overwhelmed&artificial i suppose when trying to engage in communication with people i don't know. Perhaps, i need to just relax&let it hapoen naturally.I put too much pressure on myself for what?

 

 

 

 

I almost kept plugging away staying with just one paragraph, but just though uhh oh I think I better begin another. Lol. Anyways, I will let you know how it goes. Btw I do have kids. Two. They are with me now watching Ms. Doubtful. Lol. How ironic, but its one of their fav movies&I like it too. Did eggs right before. I love them so much&want to be the absolute best father for them. That's why I need to fight. Not just for them though. For me.

[TaraMaiden]

You don't need to apologise - and i'm sorry if i kicked you while you were down.

I hoped giving you a 'short sharp shock' might help - it does sometimes.

 

Your kids are your world, i can equate with that.

There IS help available for you, you don't have to do this on your own, so ask, do anything you can to get that help.

 

Take care; remember this:

Your stbex-wife is history.

I know what she does gets to you, but it has to end. You have to stop focusing on the mad life she is living, and make your life sane.

Try not to be concerned with what she chooses to do - unless it will affect the kids and harm them in some way.

 

Your objective now is to make YOU the priority and to get yourself well. A dad the kids can look up to, who has their backs and who can be solid, reliable and trustworthy.

 

Drug addicts are none of those things, and you do NOT want to be associated with that!

 

Try to remember also, that whatever decisions you make about your future, and the future of your children, MUST be made on the grounds of logic, stability, good reasoning and common sense.

You need to ensure your emotions don't run away with you; any decisions based on emotional reasoning are bound to fail, because when heart rules head, it's a disaster.

 

Be open, with as many in authority, about your efforts to be well. Let them see what efforts you are making. Make it public, so that the evidence speaks for itself.

 

This does two things: it counts in your favour if you are officially doing the best you can - and it makes breaking your word a whole lot harder, if more people know about it.

Always be accountable for your actions.

 

remember, if you fail, you have a lot of explaining to do to your children.

 

And - facing yourself is a bummer.

 

Look, there may be times when slip up; but hopefully, you will have enough help and support to prevent you from ever falling back into 'old ways'.

 

Good luck. Go for it.

[headspins]

Thank you so much! You're so wise&I know that sometimes it takes serious harshness to really penetrate&get into a person's core so to speak. I think alot of addicts need to be "awakened"shook violently in a emotional manner. There's so much pain&anger built up inside&it needs to be dealt with in order to move on. To break free&stop the vicious cycle. You are so right about everything you said. Particularly with my actions speaking louder. I am such a big talker. Like most addicts im sure.

[TaraMaiden]

look in your area and see if there is an Alcoholics Anonymous group that meets. There may be the equivalent for drug addicts, but you know, in the end, it's the same thing: It's dependency on something which is a mind-altering substance, and which takes your pride, identity, self-worth and self-esteem away. it's a place to hide, a pretend bolt-hole to get away from facing what scares you.

 

Any addictive substance does the same thing: it changes who you are; it gives you the false impression of joy, a level of serenity, which in fact is an illusion, because the minute the effects wear off, it all becomes real again, and everything is just as "bad" as it ever was. if not worse.

 

I don't understand addiction, personally; that is to say, I have never had the misfortune to become an addict of any substance, so I can never fully see, feel and understand what you are experiencing, so I am the last person to be giving you support and advice. But the AA will provide you with a Mentor, someone who has 'been there', someone who knows exactly what you are going through. A person who, like you, has plumbed the depths of desperate addiction - and survived.

 

And you don't have to believe in God, although apparently, you 'surrender' your addiction to a 'Higher power'.

 

A friend of mine is an AA mentor; he has been an alcoholic for 18 years, and has not touched a drop for 10. But he is also Buddhist, and he does not see the inhibition of his atheism stopping him from helping others. he sees 'God' as Glorious Other Drunks....

 

Get with a group. They will help you in a way nobody else ever can.