So Nauseous...Ex is in New Relationship

[beembm]

I feel so sick. I don't even know what I'm trying to write here. I guess I need to vent. All this pent up energy and emotion. Can't stop crying or clenching my stomach.

 

 

Found out today she is "in a relationship" with someone who lives in a different state who she barely knows. It's only been 2.5 months since the BU after a 5 year relationship!

 

 

I was the dumper. The love started feeling platonic, like a sister. We barely had sex and when we did it was laborious to get going and enjoy. I also clearly had GIGS now that I'm reading about it on here. We met when we were 21, so I started feeling like I hadn't lived, hadn't slept with enough people, etc before I met her, obviously none of which seems important to me now... I felt like the spark was gone, like I wasn't in love anymore, like she deserved to be with someone who was madly in love with her.

 

 

I of course wish we had tried harder to keep things going now that we are here in this space. She begged me not to give up. I wish I hadn't. I have anxiety and compulsive thinking and it got in the way, sp so so in the way, so I left.

 

 

This whole time since the BU I've been in therapy, got on meds, and was starting to think that maybe after a bit more time, and work on myself, we could get back together.

 

 

Now I feel like I don't even know her. How could she jump into something so serious so soon? Is it a rebound? Is she trying to hurt me? She posted this new status on facebook. I feel like if I had actual feelings for someone this soon after the BU and cared about her, I would try to hide it so I wouldn't hurt her. How could she make this so public?

 

 

I don't know. I feel so empty and nauseous. It kills me that she is actively trying to forget about me. I know I hurt her immensely, so I'm trying to remember that she needs to do whatever she needs to do to heal, but it hurts so bad.

 

 

help

[beembm]

Please help. somebody somwhere

[NomiMalone]

You dumped her. She begged you not to give up. You didn't want a bar of it. She moved on. What's the problem?

[beembm]

I didn't tell the whole story so as not to burden with details but I didn't give up right away. I stayed put for 4 months with the anxious feelings, started individual counseling, and tried an e-course for people with commitmentphobia (as I thought maybe that was the problem).

 

 

Then we went to couples counseling for an additional 1.5 months.

 

 

The anxiety and confusion and depersonalization was so bad, I wasn't eating, or sleeping, and I didn't feel real. And I didn't want to hurt her anymore.

 

 

It's not fair to say I didn't want a bar of it. I tried very hard to not feel the way I was feeling. I didn't want to break up.

 

 

Still don't want it to be true. That's why I was saying I've been hoping for a reconciliation after I worked on myself and did more self exploration.

[STM206]

Did you bother to share any of your thoughts with her on how you were feeling? Did you give her any inclination that you wanted a "break" as opposed to actually breaking up?

 

I personally think she's rebounding but at the same time you have to understand YOU decided to end it with her... She's doing what she feels will help her move forward.

 

I just wish more people would try actually communicating with their partners before jumping into a breakup... It sure as hell seems like it's worth it if you love someone as much as you say you do.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this though, but don't sit around blaming her for moving on either.

[beembm]

Thank you for the replies. I did tell her that what I hoped for deep down was that after some time we would reconnect.

 

 

 

 

I am absolutely not blaming her. I just feel sad and wanted to vent. I understand it I think. It just hurts.

[STM206]

Thank you for the replies. I did tell her that what I hoped for deep down was that after some time we would reconnect.

 

 

 

 

I am absolutely not blaming her. I just feel sad and wanted to vent. I understand it I think. It just hurts.

 

Of course it does, you guys shared 5 years together. I'm sorry you're hurting, it is however nice to know that not ever dumper out there is as cold blooded as they seem to be.

 

If you really feel like you want to make things work with this girl, it's never too late. She's in a long distance relationship so that actually works in your favor.

[beembm]

Still so nauseous and obsessing now. Can't stop thinking about how everything we had is down the drain now, about how I'm the only one still thinking about "us" now, about this new girl and what they might be doing together or feeling about eachother.

 

I have deactivated Facebook but am checking this new girl's Instagram every 20 minutes. I feel a hole in my heart.

Edited April 9, 2014 by beembm

[beembm]

I am very tempted to ask a once-mutual friend who is now much closer and supportive of my ex how serious this new relationship is and for details. I know this is a bad idea but for some reason I am desperate to.

 

People, why do I want to do this and please confirm that this is a bad idea if you think it is

[Tressugar]

You gotta stop torturing yourself. You will heal. It will take time, but you will heal. Cry, grieve and mope, but don't permanently stay in that state of sorrow.

 

You will survive!

[lofi_tokyo]

Beembm,

 

You've gotta forgive yourself and let yourself start moving on. I left my boyfriend (now ex) of 3.5 years last July, and it was for a lot of the same reasons as you mentioned.

 

You can call it GIGS if you want - I did for my case, but honestly... you were bored! You wanted to go out there and experience other things. There's nothing wrong with that. If you had forced yourself to stay in the relationship - do you honestly think you would have been happy? Or would you have stayed bored or turned resentful?

 

You're only 2.5 months out of the breakup - even when you're the dumper (GIGS or not) it can be really hard. For me, it really wasn't just GIGS - GIGS is sort of a "surface" diagnosis. There was a lot more going on. We were sexually imcompatible - that's a legit reason to leave! My ex was incredibly pessimistic and always bringing me down - another reason to leave! My ex wasn't interested in adventure or exploration, I was - fair enough reason to leave!

 

GIGS is a blanket diagnosis that is fair, in a way, it's pretty accurate. But when you scratch beneathe the surface of GIGS there are genuinely legitimate reasons to leave in most cases, and I think you owe it to yourself to stop blaming yourself for messing up, and instead you should congratulate yourself for taking a risk and believing that there's more to life that a relationship that maybe wasn't right!

 

As the months pass, you'll heal, and you'll come to realize you made the right decision. You just have to start letting yourself heal.

 

Also - yeah it totally sucks when your ex shacks up (I was pretty jealous when mine did), but that's life! People move on. Its no reflection of who you are if she's moving on, so stop seeing it that way.

[Zahara]

Still so nauseous and obsessing now. Can't stop thinking about how everything we had is down the drain now, about how I'm the only one still thinking about "us" now, about this new girl and what they might be doing together or feeling about eachother.

 

I have deactivated Facebook but am checking this new girl's Instagram every 20 minutes. I feel a hole in my heart.

 

Beenbm, whether it's been 2.5 months or 2.5 years, it was bound to happen. One of you would have soon moved on towards someone else. When you break-up with someone, you expect and anticipate that they will move on. The when is irrelevant. Expecting someone that you have let go to place a specific amount of time to move forward with someone else because it is what you need to help you validate yourself is unrealistic. When you end it with someone, they are free to go and do whatever it is they want. It comes with the territory.

 

I think it's just your ego that's been broken here. Of course you wished you both tried harder in hindsight because you're speaking from how you feel now. How you felt then rendered the solution to break-up. How you feel now changes that because you've had distance from her and the relationship, you've somewhat forgotten the issues that pushed you to end it, you're viewing what you had very differently and that could be stemming from you idealizing it a bit, and most importantly your ego is bruised because her moving on in 2.5 months devalues and invalidates you and what you believe you had with her.

 

And it doesn't mean that just because she started the relationship 2.5 months after ending with you, it's because she's hopelessly inlove. She could be doing it to fill the hole that she has in her heart as well.

[Zahara]

I am very tempted to ask a once-mutual friend who is now much closer and supportive of my ex how serious this new relationship is and for details. I know this is a bad idea but for some reason I am desperate to.

 

People, why do I want to do this and please confirm that this is a bad idea if you think it is

 

Bad idea. You ended it for several reasons. I don't believe any of that has changed in 2.5 months.

[beembm]

Thank you Tokyo Vogue. You seem so at peace with your decision. We're you conflicted about your decision at all? I was conflicted for 5 months leading up to the BU and have been conflicted ever since.

 

Everyone says if it was the right decision, you will feel free or relieved and I have not felt that at all - just sad and empty and regretful.

 

How did you get past the heartbreak when your ex moved on??! this is all literally consuming me. I'm in a meeting right now at work for gods sake!

[beembm]

Thank you Zahara, I think you are right about your observations. I have therapy tonight thank god, I've needed it since this weekend. Hopefully we can talk about this ego idea, as I do feel like her moving on is invalidating everything we had. Like it never happened, like I'm being replaced.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara, I think you are right about your observations. I have therapy tonight thank god, I've needed it since this weekend. Hopefully we can talk about this ego idea, as I do feel like her moving on is invalidating everything we had. Like it never happened, like I'm being replaced.

 

It's perfectly normal to feel that way. It's hard to see someone move on so quickly. You sit there questioning whether she valued you and the relationship. You sit there going, "But she should be sad, she should be hurt and pining for me." It's normal. We want to feel that our presence in their life meant something, hence we feel validated. And yes, after a 5 year relationship, we would think that one would be suffering for awhile but you should also know that there are people out there that deal with that suffering by latching on to someone else. I am guilty of that. I did it for all the wrong reasons.

 

And when you end it with someone, just as you believe she "replaced" you, in time you too will find someone and fill that space in your life. It's the inevitable part of moving forward after a break-up. You're fighting it because you didn't get there first. She got there first, and she was the dumpee. You can't accept that.

 

You also have to keep remembering why you ended it. You even said you tried every which avenue and it just didn't work. 2.5 months later, I don't believe much has changed. It happened for a reason. Accept it for what it is and have faith in your decision because you did it based on what you knew/know is right for you. Don't lose sight of that because you're focused on what she is doing.

 

I hope your therapist can provide you with better insight and help you stay the course.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Zahara

[lofi_tokyo]

Thank you Tokyo Vogue. You seem so at peace with your decision. We're you conflicted about your decision at all? I was conflicted for 5 months leading up to the BU and have been conflicted ever since.

 

Everyone says if it was the right decision, you will feel free or relieved and I have not felt that at all - just sad and empty and regretful.

 

How did you get past the heartbreak when your ex moved on??! this is all literally consuming me. I'm in a meeting right now at work for gods sake!

 

You can absolutely feel HORRIBLE leaving someone, even if it was the right decision. There can be guilt, doubt, fear, loneliness. A break-up doesn't have to be easy for it to be legitimately deserved. You can definitely feel sad and regretful, and that's okay. Its part of your grieving process. Dumpers are allowed to grieve.

 

Think about it - there are people who leave horribly abusive ex's and they don't feel right about it for YEARS. Was their decision wrong? No, absolutely not - healing just takes time for some people.

 

A word of wisdom that you need to hear as a dumper posting here:

- Most people come here because they've been dumped, and they're hurting. They are going through their own healing process as the dumpee. PART of that healing process revolves around understanding the dumper wasn't right for you - which means finding flaws in the dumper. You, as a dumper posting here are in the minority amongst a group of people who are approaching the breakup from the other side. Their perspective is not and cannot be sympathetic to dumper views entirely, because they need to see things from their side to move on and heal. So you're going to get some advice that makes you feel badly for breaking up, or advice that blames you for being a foolish dumper. That advice is likely coming from the wrong place, and you need to take it with a grain of salt. Learn from that advice when you can, to be sure - alternative perspectives are good - but also realize you made a decision for a reason, and don't let people here talk you out of that. Your feelings are valid.

 

You get past it with time, just like everyone else. You'll be okay! Don't beat yourself up too much for mourning - it is okay (even for dumpers!!).

[lofi_tokyo]

You also have to keep remembering why you ended it. You even said you tried every which avenue and it just didn't work. 2.5 months later, I don't believe much has changed. It happened for a reason. Accept it for what it is and have faith in your decision because you did it based on what you knew/know is right for you. Don't lose sight of that because you're focused on what she is doing.

 

This.

 

It's what I keep saying too. Believe in yourself, man!

[beembm]

I'm a woman just FYI but thank you for the encouragement. I've never felt so conflicted in my life. At the time, I did feel like I had tried everything and I just didn't want to cause her pain anymore. But now I just wish I had tried harder

[beembm]

I just worry that this whole going was due to my anxiety. I came off of anxiety meds a year ago after 10 years on them, and all of my doubt about the relationship started 4 months later. Now I'm back on them and feeling more stable and I worry I lost something good because I was in crisis and not thinking clearly.

[Zahara]

I'm a woman just FYI but thank you for the encouragement. I've never felt so conflicted in my life. At the time, I did feel like I had tried everything and I just didn't want to cause her pain anymore. But now I just wish I had tried harder

 

It's impossible to make your heart feel something it couldn't. Think back about the things that you did -- as in what you posted here. Things didn't change.

 

You're wishing you tried harder because you cannot accept that she is moving on and that brings FINALITY. Accepting finality is hard. It's final and that permanence doesn't allow you any room for anything. You have no more control and you have to finally let everything go.

[Zahara]

I just worry that this whole going was due to my anxiety. I came off of anxiety meds a year ago after 10 years on them, and all of my doubt about the relationship started 4 months later. Now I'm back on them and feeling more stable and I worry I lost something good because I was in crisis and not thinking clearly.

 

So, if you never heard of her dating someone else, would you be going through these same emotions? Would you have been questioning your reasons for ending it? Would you be this passionate about regretting not trying harder to save the relationship? Would you have been driving yourself bonkers everyday revisiting the relationship?

[beembm]

because you cannot accept that she is moving on and that brings FINALITY. Accepting finality is hard. It's final and that permanence doesn't allow you any room for anything. You have no more control and you have to finally let everything go.

 

Yes, I can't accept it. None of this was ever supposed to happen or this way. I have a hard time with control and this all feels so out of control

[beembm]

Yes, even before I knew about the new relationship, I was feeling this way. Was feeling it since the BU. Maybe not as desperately, because I had hope we would reconcile after some time apart....

[Zahara]

"The love started feeling platonic, like a sister. We barely had sex and when we did it was laborious to get going and enjoy. I also clearly had GIGS now that I'm reading about it on here. We met when we were 21, so I started feeling like I hadn't lived, hadn't slept with enough people, etc before I met her, obviously none of which seems important to me now... I felt like the spark was gone, like I wasn't in love anymore, like she deserved to be with someone who was madly in love with her."

 

Do you think that all of this sparked from you being off anxiety meds?