So Nauseous...Ex is in New Relationship

[lofi_tokyo]

I'm a woman just FYI but thank you for the encouragement. I've never felt so conflicted in my life. At the time, I did feel like I had tried everything and I just didn't want to cause her pain anymore. But now I just wish I had tried harder

 

My apologies! I couldn't figure out why I assumed you were a male, but now I realize I saw you mention "her" and I made the mistake of assuming you were in a heterosexual relationship - I'm sorry! I should have paid more attention.

 

Was she telling you that you were causing her pain?

 

Its funny - I suffer from horrible anxiety too! I've been working through it in therapy, and it's definitely getting better over the years... I just want to touch one thing related to this.

 

When I get anxious, I spiral - I start blaming myself for so much, and then I blame myself for blaming myself. It get's bad, and I look for approval from people important to me to help right myself. When I was beating myself up with anxiety, my ex would get annoyed (I think this was his way of avoiding hurt). It just made things worse. I'm now seeing someone who, when I get into these anxiety spirals, just tries to support me and reminds me that it's really not that big of a deal. It makes a world of difference, and you know what? I'm learning to self-right myself too!

 

Historically I've always approached things as this:

I can control my feelings - if my ex was annoyed, then it was my fault for being hurt, because I can control my reaction. I needed to do better. I was broken and needed fixing. He was allowed to feel annoyed or angry, and I needed to not be hurt by it.

 

In therapy, I've learned that actually, some people just suck (or aren't right for you rather), and you pick your friends and partners.

 

So!! You're blaming yourself for your ex's feelings - you didn't want to hurt her anymore. How much of this was actually her not understanding you, and maybe not being the right person for you?

Edited April 9, 2014 by tokyovogue

[beembm]

Zaraha, actually the sex issue had being going for awhile, even before I went off meds, and so had the lack of flame thing, but when I went off of meds I just started obsessing about these issues and they became inflamed and huge. But I also wonder and she kept saying as well - these thins happen to all long term relationships, we just have To work on it! And at the time it felt like too much work to be right but now I just don't know if that's true.

 

Tokyo- it's ok! My anxiety spirals really bad too but thats what kills me - she said she loved the way I loved her and she wanted to stay put while I worked on it. And now I'm crying again, when I think about how hard she wanted us to work and how much she was willing to wait and put up with and I just left. I abandoned her out of fear when she could have been right for me. It wasn't nisundersfandingns. She knew what was going on and tried so hard to be there and take care of me, even as I said for months that I didn't know if I was in love.

 

I hate myself so much and feel so terrible and sad. I'm tired of crying and the confusion and not knowing.

 

Just 2 or 3 weeks ago she said in a text "only time will tell which is what I kept telling myself too but now she is in a new relationship.

 

It all hurts so bad. The worst pain I have ever felt. Thank you both for the kind words. I feel less alone but it still is the worst feeling - indescribable

[beembm]

The nausea continues. Keep signing on to gchat and seeing her there with her busy signal. Every time the phone buzzes I hope its her.

Edited April 9, 2014 by beembm

[eachcomingnight]

Hi beembm,

I have also suffered from anxiety (in various forms) for much of my life. I thought for many years that I was a commitmentphobe as the thought of staying in each of my relationships caused me terrible anxiety. I believe now that I just wasn't ready to settle down and commit to those people. I'm not saying it's going to be the same for you, but with my current boyfriend I have had a much easier time overcoming the issues that occasionally crop up, and the thought of spending my life with him feels comforting rather than scary.

 

Just saying, in spite of how irrational anxiety can be, sometimes it also stems from a real, legitimate concern that just spirals out of control.

 

When my first serious boyfriend and I split due to my anxiety getting in the way of my commitment/communication, I clung on to hope for too long, wondering if I had lost "the one." It drove both of us insane and impaired our healing for some time. I have grown so much since then and although it was an awful experience to go through, I know in the long run it was for the better that I didn't force myself to settle down when something was telling me not to.

 

Best of luck, I know it's an awful position to be in.

[beembm]

Whoa eachcomingnight, thank you so much from the bottom of my broken heart for sharing your story. I guess I won't know if my situation falls into the same category as yours but it's so comforting to know I'm not the only one experiencing these feelings/confusions/questions/anxieties. Xoxo

[beembm]

By the way eachcomingnight, any tips or advice, having got through this terrible space?

Edited April 9, 2014 by beembm

[DontBreakEven]

I know I hurt her immensely, so I'm trying to remember that she needs to do whatever she needs to do to heal, but it hurts so bad.

 

This is why she is "doing this". She is trying to move on. You left her life and made her feel that she had no choice but to move on. How in the world is she supposed to know that you are "getting therapy and on meds" and possibly dreaming of this future reconciliation that may or may not happen??

 

I mean c'mon. You're jealous and now you are having to face the fact of what you did. You cannot let a woman go and expect her to be there if and when you decide maybe you might want to be with her again.

 

I swear my ex thinks the same way you do ... she has these anxiety issues too. But in the end you will lose the things you cherish if you lose sight of them.

Edited April 10, 2014 by DontBreakEven

[Mary Oak]

SHe is trying to move on. My Ex left me, I am sure in part of my anxiety issues which would result in anger issues, which would result in me pulling away. I KNOW why she left. What I don't know is why she couldn't wait for me to fight these issues. She also never addressed them with me, until the day she left. I blame her for that. SHe is also with someone else now, though I try hard not to wonder what they are doing. That is too much for me to handle. We work together and she is off tomorrow, so I know she must have something planned with her.

 

My advice is to stop contact with her (if you have not already). ANd really stop blaming yourself. Your suffering will not bring her back, so you have to find a new normal for you. I am still working on that after 21 months. BUt, I will do it, and so will you.

[beembm]

I need to vent sorry if this is boring. My Ex's brother is 10 years younger than us - only 18 and my ex told me awhile ago that he (the brother) was really angry with me after the breakup. I understood that. He's young, very protective of his older sister, and doesn't know anything about the complications of love and relationships (never been in one or with anyone). I accepted his anger and I didn't push it or try to change his mind.

 

 

The thing is, we really loved eachother as friends (the brother and me). We were really close and had a great connection and I always helped him and he thought of me as another sibling. Just today though I see that he blocked me on instagram.

 

 

I don't know why but it makes me sad. Not nearly comparable to the sadness surrounding the loss of the relationship and I don't know maybe my sadness about this is really just a different way to feel sad about the breakup but I don't know. Just feel really really sad.

 

 

I'm also worrying that maybe she asked him to block me or he decided to be nice in blocking me because he was putting up pictures of her and her new girlfriend nausea and more sadness...

 

 

ugh I don't know

[iDrumKing]

It really doesn't matter.

[Strength in Healing]

I don't mean for this to be off topic, but wondering if it was a typo or not. Your ex is a female, and now has a new girlfriend? Is that accurate, or a typo? Not that this is really all that relevant, but I am particular about creating the proper situation in my head before being able to advise on it.

[beembm]

not a typo. this was a same sex relationship. I'm a woman.

[beembm]

Nausea is back. Panicky. Feeling feverish. New round of sorry and grief. Everything hitting me anew. She called me to wish me a happy birthday and we talked for an hour. I cried a lot. My birthday weekend was tormented with sadness.

 

 

Then I saw an instagram of the two of them (on the new girls page which is public, which I check multiple times a day don't know why). Then I got angry and unfriended my ex on facebook. I felt betrayed, replaced, alone, forgotten.

 

 

She texted me today asking about the unfriending. An hour of texting back and forth, more processing about the relationship. Says she didn't feel love from me for over a year. I finally admitted I am sad she moved on so quickly.

 

 

Ugh I need to start a new post this makes no sense but I feel so sick. word vomit

[CaliBabe]

You should consider going no contact as this is only hurting you further.

[Babolat]

I was the dumper, twice, same woman. Yes, even us dumpers go through grief.

 

OP, you dumped her, for a reason. Remember that. When the feelings of guilt, hurt, loss, jealously, how great she was, all return, replace them with how you felt at the end of the relationship. I too was very anxious towards the end of my relationship. I too was in counseling. I too was on meds. I took was reading everything I could get my hands on and posting on LS daily.

 

Remember those anxious feelings, how you felt, WHY you ended it. Remember what that anxiety felt likeThat is what I did, it helped me a lot. Don't allow yourself to dwell for more than 10, 15 seconds on a "good" memory, quickly replace it with a "bad" memory. There is not a week, sometimes a day,that goes by where somebody will say "she was an amazing woman, but we knew she was not right for you". Those close to me saw, heard and felt my anxiety and wanted me to end the relationship.

[Poppyolive]

Still so nauseous and obsessing now. Can't stop thinking about how everything we had is down the drain now, about how I'm the only one still thinking about "us" now, about this new girl and what they might be doing together or feeling about eachother.

 

I have deactivated Facebook but am checking this new girl's Instagram every 20 minutes. I feel a hole in my heart.

 

 

Sorry you're hurting, but everything you had went down the drain when you dumped her. Anything that she chooses to do after that is her business and sadly not yours. Why now are you venting and feeling sick? Have you been feeling like this since you dumped her or just because she has a new lover?

 

The saying you don't know what you got til its gone really applies here for you.

 

If you do really love her, have changed your thought process and can be a great partner playing your role... Then you know what to do. But it has to be whole hearted, clear even though you are in a vulnerable situation. The rest will be IP to her.

[lolablue17]

Listen... You messed thing up. I think You have only two options:

 

1. Throw youself at her completely. Tell her you love her, you regret everything you did, you need her, you miss her, She's the one,, you've been a fool by giving up on her bla bla bla bla... and beg her to take you back. (and hope she will agree, of course it's a big risk)

 

2. Full an total NC! cut her off from instagram, FB and everything. and move on.

 

 

You can't expect nothing from her unless you let her winning the jackpot.

[oracle]

Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

You cannot have it anymore, therefore want it back.

 

This is a natural immature human response, we all experience it on some levels.

 

Bottom line, you weren't happy there and ended it.

 

Nothing will change that fact

[FredJones80]

Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

You cannot have it anymore, therefore want it back.

 

This is a natural immature human response, we all experience it on some levels.

 

Bottom line, you weren't happy there and ended it.

 

Nothing will change that fact

 

I like your answers Oracle, blunt and to the point.. usually true too.

 

One thing aside... some people don't know when they've got a good thing and are always looking for something better, when **** hits the fan and they realise they got rid of a good thing then may regret their decision.

[loony_tunes]

I like your answers Oracle, blunt and to the point.. usually true too.

 

One thing aside... some people don't know when they've got a good thing and are always looking for something better, when **** hits the fan and they realise they got rid of a good thing then may regret their decision.

 

Seems like the only thing you're dying for to happen . Just move the hell on. Don't worry about it.

[FredJones80]

Seems like the only thing you're dying for to happen . Just move the hell on. Don't worry about it.

 

It wasn't aimed at my own situation, more a general observation.

 

But of course, the ever optimistic dumpee in me would always hope for that outcome, isn't that the case in anyone who has been dumped ?

[AlphaC]

Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

You cannot have it anymore, therefore want it back.

 

This is a natural immature human response, we all experience it on some levels.

Bottom line, you weren't happy there and ended it.

 

Nothing will change that fact

 

I disagree, she says she was not happy with herself and as a result of this, ended her relationship. To all the dumpers on this thread who continue to seek validation for their decision to dump their ex, stop fooling yourself. I notice that this realization comes once the dumpee has moved on, that's when the dumper has to remind his or herself why they left. This thread is very important and interesting indeed.

 

When I dump a woman I move the hell on, I don't question my decision, I don't stick around to see if she has met someone else. The dumpers commenting on here are very selfish. They won't admit that they had a good thing going: a caring, good looking, positive, successful and loving partner, but because their screwed up programing they could not appreciate it. It's only after the dumpee heals and moves on that the dumper has to continue reminding themselves "OH I DON"T NEED HIM/HER, they were no good, they snored too loud, they burned the chicken, blah blah blah."

 

While you "the dumper" is justifying your antiquated decision, you know what the dumpee is doing, the dumpee is moving the hell on. That's right, the dumpee doesn't need to second guess their decision, they didn't leave for GIGS or other selfish reasons. For the dumpee once the tears dried up, they healed and that attractiveness that was lost from all the crying, came back in the form of confidence and later smiles from being free. Knowing that the hurt form the break up dissipated.

 

The dumpers are the ones hurting now, the GIGS thing, oh yeah how did that work out?

 

OP, you suffer from a classic case of " don't know what you have until it's gone." Her brother blocked you for the right reasons, his sister tried to work things out and you came up with a million excuses to reject her. Now the tables have turned and it's your damaged self that is getting rejected. Better luck next time.

 

Sometimes being dumped is not a bad thing, we recover fast. It took your ex 2.5 months, it took me 3 months, and I upgraded, lol.

[loony_tunes]

It wasn't aimed at my own situation, more a general observation.

 

But of course, the ever optimistic dumpee in me would always hope for that outcome, isn't that the case in anyone who has been dumped ?

 

Optimistic aka stupidity or blindness

[beembm]

I was the dumper, twice, same woman. Yes, even us dumpers go through grief. I too was very anxious towards the end of my relationship. I too was in counseling. I too was on meds. I took was reading everything I could get my hands on and posting on LS daily.

 

Please tell me more. Are there links to your old threads? Did you ever wonder if it was your anxiety that got in the way and made you obsess?

[beembm]

Alpha: "The dumpers commenting on here are very selfish. They won't admit that they had a good thing going: a caring, good looking, positive, successful and loving partner, but because their screwed up programing they could not appreciate it."

 

I ADMIT THIS COMPLETELY

 

"The dumpers are the ones hurting now, the GIGS thing, oh yeah how did that work out?" I haven't tried the other grass because I realized very early on that it was GIGS, and because I have a therapist helping me and I'm trying to figure out how to make myself happy and whole

 

"OP, you suffer from a classic case of " don't know what you have until it's gone."" This is true. It hurts.