So Nauseous...Ex is in New Relationship

[elseaacych]

Oh. Ouch. Beembm, that's the worst.

 

Know it's not a reflection on you. She's entitled to happiness. And if she thinks this guy is the one for her, let her think that and be happy.

 

I know you are struggling to get over your break up. But after five years and communication issues honestly, it didn't look like you two were going anywhere. And you were smart enough to realize this. You broke up with her for a reason, maybe many reasons. TRUST THAT INSTINCT.

 

If you've been having a tough time, just try to keep doing good things for you to make your life better. You have one life, live it to the fullest you can, and don't let whatever your ex is doing impact your happiness. You shouldn't you guys are no longer together! The only way you can "win" at a break up is to find happiness in whatever makes you happy.

 

Just keep going, and remember, you have qualities that make you lovable and worthy of being happy, and eventually in a fulfilling relationship, on your time.

 

PS: BLOCK ALL SOURCES OF INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR EX.

[FredJones80]

2 months since they've been together and they are engaged this weekend.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

Don't worry about this... as if that is going to last.

 

Biggest joke I've read.

 

Let's see them get married then infatuation run out... then "oh ****, we're not even compatible but we're married" .... divorce.

 

That's if it even gets that far.

[BC1980]

4 months since we broke up, 2 months since they've been together and they are engaged this weekend. I cried all night and woke up crying. I have so many emotions and questions and mainly just feel so sick and confused. She didn't even tell me even though we talked for an hour yesterday. I saw it on the other girls Instagram.

 

It all feels like a bad dream

 

I'm sorry, and it's understandable that you are very upset. I think this entire relationship is going to be hard to get over because you really invested to try to make it work. I still think your reasons for breaking up were valid, but it's very hard when you still love someone. That's honestly the worst type of breakup. You also need to cut off any type of information sources you have about her.

[beembm]

We were going to start trying to be friends. just a week ago we talked and both cried and said we didn't want to lose eachother and still loved and cared about eachother. And to think she was buying a ring and thinking about how to propose!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I feel completely alone now, I am the only one still grieving, she is completely gone

[BC1980]

We were going to start trying to be friends. just a week ago we talked and both cried and said we didn't want to lose eachother and still loved and cared about eachother. And to think she was buying a ring and thinking about how to propose!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I feel completely alone now, I am the only one still grieving, she is completely gone

 

This is why you don't try to be friends. Many a person has tried to be friends with an ex only to wind up in even more pain. I'm sorry. I've been where you are, and it's awful. It's going to be a long ride. Just try to hang on for now, and let her know you can't talk to her now.

[beembm]

I'm falling apart. Can't stop crying or holding my breathe or thinking about it. I feel dead. Like a part of me is gone

[BC1980]

I'm falling apart. Can't stop crying or holding my breathe or thinking about it. I feel dead. Like a part of me is gone

 

You are in shock right now. It's okay to cry and just let it out. Heck, I was physically sick for a few days and couldn't eat. I just felt a sick feeling in my stomach for days and couldn't sleep. This is all normal, and it's something you have to go through. It will pass. If you can, try to be around other people in the next few days, even if it's only at work or going to a park. During the first few months, I actually used to go read in a park on my off days, so I would be around other people.

 

Are there any family members or friends you can call to talk to? That can help a lot and make you feel less alone.

[beembm]

I've been around people all day but nothing is helping, everyone is just angry at her for me or says that this proves I made the right decision because she's clearly got some issues but none of these things help and actually I don't like that they are mad at her. They keep saying I should be angry too but I just feel sad depressed and alone. I feel very very very empty.

 

She tried calling me but I didn't answer. I realized there's nothing she could say to make the pain go away. I just can't let go though. Everyone keeps saying now i will finally let go but I don't want to.

 

I also can't stop obsessing and thinking about how she would talk about wanting to buy me a ring and marry me...

[smuggy95]

Letting go isn't giving up, but allowing new things to enter.

 

 

You were in an unhappy relationship- it was unhappy in the end, for both of you.

 

 

What you regret is the imagination of 'what could have been'...but really, if you stayed, it might have been even more miserable.

You don't know what it would have been like. It doesn't serve you to keep thinking about what if what if what if...because it is all in your imagination.

 

 

See what is reality, now. You are single, you are free to find someone.

 

 

Rest with the knowledge that you worked so hard for it while you were in it. You did your best at the time, and really it sounds like you left no stone unturned!

 

 

And I'm a lesbian too, so, hit me up sometime.

[beembm]

Thank you everyone for the support. I feel so low and dark. It feels like someone just keeps punching me in the stomach over and over again. All of my family and friends say it's time to start focusing on me and healing, not on her, not on her and me but I don't know how to do that. I also don't know how to stop thinking about the past, reminiscing, and doing TONS of what ifs.

 

 

I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. Like I didn't try hard enough. Technically there were 5 months of struggling before calling it quits for real, but there were breaks in that time, we slept in different rooms. I feel like I should have been more loving while we were trying to work things out in therapy but at the time I just felt so numb. I was subconsciously pushing her away. I felt nothing when I was around her. I hate that I hurt her. I know she has moved on now but I can't stop just feeling so ****ing sick about this whole thing! Makes me want to scream and cry and bury deep in the ground.

 

 

I can't stand it. Feels like a bad dream that isn't ending.

[beembm]

Please, someone tell me something to ease this pain

[lime87]

Please, someone tell me something to ease this pain

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I can imagine how much it hurts. But these feelings will eventually begin to fade. It's moved very fast for your ex to get engaged, that's true. But you tried to mend the relationship and it wasn't working. You'd be even more unhappy now if you'd stayed together.

 

The pain of rejection by someone you love is unbelievably raw and strong but I'm going to be cliché and say time will heal your heart. Google "Break up recovery guide", that helped me when I felt like the pain would never leave.

[freetolove]

yah sorry to say but this one is on you. you broke up with her. take it as a lesson learn and move on. you weren't happy with her anyway.

[hoping2heal]

Hello OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. The new relationship must have been bad enough, let alone the shock of an engagement; a proverbial "we are never, ever, ever getting back together" if you will. Except, even engagements and marriages aren't permanent in this day and age, but if she's indeed fallen in love with another then what can you do?

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You did the very best you could in the situation you were in. Is this depersonalization and push away a coping mechanism for you? I ask because I've been through some pretty severe trauma and as a result, I have a tendancy to do that once in awhile. Also in a very LTR and there are times I'd tell myself to get out - because I was protecting myself and afraid of commitment. Afraid of being abused, mistreated, and betrayed. The only difference is that I have never really felt platonic towards my partner. I've always been so very in love - except the days when I'd shut off and be completely empty.

 

I've had to learn to use my head and I'm one of those people whose intuition is broken. A lovely effect of some of the things I've been through. But, it's taken years of practice to use my judgement and so far it has worked out very well *knock on wood*.

 

Please stop beating yourself up over doing what you had to do. There are positives in this, too. As there usually are in all failed relationships and that's the learning that has the potential to enable you to have a more successful future relationship. I believe you did a great deal of learning about yourself and your emotions with regards to your anxiety and the symptoms you have. This seems much deeper than a case of superficial wanting her back. You just learned the hard way how feelings can lead one astray.

 

She has moved on, but you can too. One thing that I keep wondering though..does your ex know how you feel about her, now? Does she know how broken up about her you are and how much you want her back?

[Breadimus]

Hi Beem,

 

I am sitting here in an office that I use to work at 6 years ago. It is my Dad's business and as I am recently unemployed I have been drafted in for a fee days to help out.

 

To day I feel like I have taken a massive backward step in my life is an understatement. I mean I have a masters and I am working the job I had as a first year uni kid.

 

My girlfriend of two and a half years left me, she has PTSD and I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression. I was not the man she met at the end of the relationship and had spent more time trying to repair our relationship then working on myself. The last three months were difficult and though I thought it would get better it did not for he and in turn did not for me.

 

She left me and I do not blame her nor am I angry at that, I am just as it did not work as it was magnificent when it was good, as she put it.

 

Her decision was the right one, as was yours. No matter how wonderful your are or she is, sometimes life just doesn't go the way we want it. It is all about timing and the timing was not right at the end, just as it was right at the start.

 

Put away the blame, it does nothing. 50% was your fault 50% hers and leave it at that. Feel awful, feel terrible and remember the pain you both felt before you made the right decision all the way back then. As you have said you are now taking the to grieve for your loss and this is good.

 

Regret is all consuming but it never helps. Instead of coming on here trying to grab hold of the past and look for answers, use it to vent and trust yourself. You generally come out better if you do that.

[Sunbathe]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and the pain you are feeling, but you have to live with the choice you made and let her move on.

 

My ex just broke up with me nearly a month ago, and I am essentially your ex-girlfriend in this situation. I was in limbo just as your ex was, but rather than for 5 months as in your case it was for about a year. For an entire year I stood by my ex while he tried to sort out his feelings. He was intensely questioning our 4 year relationship, as he felt like the spark was missing, like we weren't compatible... he "loved me but he wasn't IN LOVE with me". He never wanted to have any conversations about the future between us, and whenever I asked him where we stand, he would say some days he is feeling it but some days he isn't and he just can't make a final decision. He was showing many symptoms of depression and I spent many nights laying in bed with him, talking him down from feeling crazy, assuring him of his worth, and even validating his confusion about the relationship. I sat there while he cried over his guilt about how he was not present in our relationship, and I still whole heatedly told him what an amazing, unique, and loving individual he is at heart, and that he deserves the world. I did this while none of my needs were being met even slightly. And I meant every word of it.

 

I pushed him to go to therapy, and it helped him uncover his subconscious immensely. It was also what gave him the courage to finally chose to end things between us. After an emotionally draining year of him stringing me along and me hanging around thinking his waning feelings might be a result of depression, he ended things so he can "find himself" and "explore" and "not miss out on life". He was unsure about what he wanted in life, and didn't want to keep hurting me. But let me tell you, the damage is already done.

 

Unlike you, though, my ex hasn't looked back once. He is out all the time with friends, smiling and laughing (I know because of social media), and he hasn't tried to reach out to me at all. I don't think he will ever regret his decision. A part of me hopes that he does, however.

 

With that said, you cannot let your regret eat away at you forever. For whatever reason, you were not interested in your relationship anymore and you chose to end it. Your gut told you that you were unhappy, and you listened to it.

 

You deserve to find that happiness that you felt was missing, but that cannot happen if you are still harping on your ex. She has started to move on, and you really have no choice but to do the same now. I know you are hurting, but just imagine how your ex felt when you ended things with her. If you truly love her and you want her to be happy, you will set her free.

 

And you need to take the time to heal too. Get some distance from the situation. Stop asking around for her relationship details. Stop checking up on her online. And now is certainly not the time to pursue a friendship with her. For your own sanity, you need to cut her out of your life right now. It may also be beneficial to continue with therapy. Focus on yourself rather than on what she is doing, and the pieces will fall into place.

[beembm]

Is this depersonalization and push away a coping mechanism for you??

 

 

I first had a DP episode in highschool, after my parents got divorced. It began after a severe panic attack, I went to psychiatric hospital, they told me it was just anxiety, and I got on meds. I didn't feel real for about a year and a half, until I started college. It went away, I went off of the meds, and then a friend passed away and it came back. I went back on meds, started therapy again, and that time it only lasted about half a year.

 

 

I stayed on the meds until a year ago. I had 0 libido and thought the meds might have something to do with it. I also felt like I wasn't able to be fully happy on them so I came off of them. I was fine for a few months, though the libido did not return...

 

 

Then, I started questioning the relationship, obsessing, as I've posted earlier in this thread, and everything fell apart and again the depersonalization came back. Back on meds....

 

 

I'm learning in therapy that it is indeed a coping mechanism. I don't know if I have some suppressed traumatic memory or what but it's really disturbing and fycked up when this happens.

 

I've had to learn to use my head and I'm one of those people whose intuition is broken.[/QUOTE]

 

 

That was my problem as well. I didn't know if what I was feeling was my gut/intuition or just anxiety. That was the struggle day in and day out. It was trying to tell me there was something real to be concerned about but I know anxiety does tell you that. That's why I can't stop "beating myself up" as you say because I feel like I will NEVER know if I made the right decision and will therefore never truly be able to let go.

 

 

I hate myself.

 

 

 

 

One thing that I keep wondering though..does your ex know how you feel about her, now? Does she know how broken up about her you are and how much you want her back.[/QUOTE]

 

 

She knows I am devastated. Every time we talk (because she was really pushing a friendship) I would cry the entire time. But she also knows that I begged her to move on, because of my fear that she would hang on forever without me ever being sure. That is no life for a partner. It killed me what my doubts were doing to her. I just read the comment a few down by Sunbathe, which I will respond to shortly, and what her and her ex went through is EXACTLY what we went through, but they tried for a year and still he ended up ending it. THAT WAS MY FEAR, that I would keep trying, keep holding on, only for it to all end anyway.

 

 

The thing is, I still feel so confused. I still don't know what happened, and therefore know it would not be right to "want her back." I was hoping deeply, severely, intensely, that it would work out eventually. But I just don't understand my mind or actions yet and would fear hurting her more.

 

 

I know she had to move on. I guess it's just the pain of accepting things turned out this way and that it was not controllable. I really do hate it all

 

 

Thank you for your kind words though, it means alot

[hoping2heal]

She knows I am devastated. Every time we talk (because she was really pushing a friendship) I would cry the entire time. But she also knows that I begged her to move on, because of my fear that she would hang on forever without me ever being sure. That is no life for a partner. It killed me what my doubts were doing to her. I just read the comment a few down by Sunbathe, which I will respond to shortly, and what her and her ex went through is EXACTLY what we went through, but they tried for a year and still he ended up ending it. THAT WAS MY FEAR, that I would keep trying, keep holding on, only for it to all end anyway.

 

 

The thing is, I still feel so confused. I still don't know what happened, and therefore know it would not be right to "want her back." I was hoping deeply, severely, intensely, that it would work out eventually. But I just don't understand my mind or actions yet and would fear hurting her more.

 

 

I know she had to move on. I guess it's just the pain of accepting things turned out this way and that it was not controllable. I really do hate it all

 

 

Thank you for your kind words though, it means alot

 

Hmmm, so does she not know you want her back then?

[beembm]

Well my mom came to be with me for a few days and then I went back with her to her house for the weekend and now I'm on a long amtrak train ride home. I was nice and distracted all weekend and now, with just moments of silence and lack of distractions, the nausea and obsessions are back.

 

I have no mental control. Thinking back to the painful months before the split, thinking back to moments of her crying, asking me if I was sure, if I was really sure, now I'm crying again. Thinking about how she bought a ring and knelt on a knee and proposed to this woman she has been dating for 2 months (as far as I know). Thinking about how alone I am now, that she has someone else to miss and worry about, how she has forgotten me, how it feels like we never happened now.

 

Breadimus, thank you for sharing your story. I don't know how to let go of the guilt. I don't know how to let any of this go. I feel so stuck. Dream

[BC1980]

Well my mom came to be with me for a few days and then I went back with her to her house for the weekend and now I'm on a long amtrak train ride home. I was nice and distracted all weekend and now, with just moments of silence and lack of distractions, the nausea and obsessions are back.

 

I have no mental control. Thinking back to the painful months before the split, thinking back to moments of her crying, asking me if I was sure, if I was really sure, now I'm crying again. Thinking about how she bought a ring and knelt on a knee and proposed to this woman she has been dating for 2 months (as far as I know). Thinking about how alone I am now, that she has someone else to miss and worry about, how she has forgotten me, how it feels like we never happened now.

 

Breadimus, thank you for sharing your story. I don't know how to let go of the guilt. I don't know how to let any of this go. I feel so stuck. Dream

 

I think you need to go to grief counseling. It helped me tremendously to navigate the entire process. It's going to be rough for awhile, but do not contact her. I was very anxious, and I had a lot of trouble controlling my thoughts in the beginning. At the very least, buy some books on grief to help you understand your feelings. Don't loose hope. If I can get better, you can too.

[beembm]

Also, how to stop stalking and looking for pictures of them and/or information about how the f they are engaged this soon even though it hurts me to know or see?

[beembm]

I think you need to go to grief counseling. It helped me tremendously to navigate the entire process. It's going to be rough for awhile, but do not contact her. I was very anxious, and I had a lot of trouble controlling my thoughts in the beginning. At the very least, buy some books on grief to help you understand your feelings. Don't loose hope. If I can get better, you can too.

 

Thank you for this suggestion. I am already in therapy but I will talk to her abot this specific aspect of my experience. I will also definitely get some books. Can you recommend anything particular? Did you start to feel badly about yourself for taking it so hard? 4 months sounds like such a short time to me but sometimes I get the feeling people think it's weird I'm still struggling...

[BC1980]

Thank you for this suggestion. I am already in therapy but I will talk to her abot this specific aspect of my experience. I will also definitely get some books. Can you recommend anything particular? Did you start to feel badly about yourself for taking it so hard? 4 months sounds like such a short time to me but sometimes I get the feeling people think it's weird I'm still struggling...

 

Yes, I beat myself up for not moving on as quickly as people thought. Whatever you are feeling is okay to feel. Know that. The best books I can recommend are "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Eliot and "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue.

[BC1980]

Also, how to stop stalking and looking for pictures of them and/or information about how the f they are engaged this soon even though it hurts me to know or see?

 

Basically force yourself not to look. There's no magic trick for that one. Remove temptation by blocking numbers and FB profiles.

[beembm]

Depression and regret reared their ugly heads again recently. I know LOGICALLY the whole idea about two steps forward and one step back but every time I slide back I can't help start to feel hopeless and anxious like I will never get better. It's been a little over 4 months and I feel self-conscious that I am still such a mess. I am constantly in a fog or haze, things don't seem real, I cry alot, and I worry about burdening my friends with my whoa-is-me, but at the same time I really need them.

 

I still can't believe any of this happened. It's so surreal and feels like a dream. The loss feels unbearable and I can't stop replaying the months leading up to the break-up over and over in my head, wishing I had done things differently. I wish we had started couples therapy sooner and that I had waited for the meds to really kick in before making such a big decision, and that I had been more patient and loving.

 

I know hindsight is 20/20 but how to let go of the self-hatred??

 

Sorry for the rant, I feel so lost and hopeless and low