Just need an explanation to his behaviour?

[everchanging7822]

Hi to everyone,

 

Need advice on the following.met online this guy while he was doing his Ph.D and I was doing my last year of undergraduate school.I am from Europe he is from the USA.The online communication continued for 3 years.It was very friendly at first .He did the calling pursuing , the e mail and he initiated the chats.He sent roses for St.Valentine´s Day.Was very polite , caring and attentive .I was too.I sent birthday present and so on .All in all in was close to perfect except that we never met .Which in your eyes might seem strange and weird .Looking at it now it looks strange and weird to me too but back then it did not because there was some deep connection between us that I cannot explain to myself even now .Anyway it all ended with him telling me he is gay a year ago around January 20 th last year.I refused to believe , cried and so on .Could not sleep for months and cried all the time.I did love him a lot at that time .Did some stupid things like called and hung up etc which I realize is childish and apologized after that.In spring last year I went abroad to study in an university and kind of moved on .New people , new country , new experiences .I tried to contact him but I guess he moved to another place and never answered his phone .It was good for me because I did manage to move on and forget about him .I sort of started to enjoy life again .I felt reborn .I came back home in August and out of nowhere in September he contacted me in IM telling me he is not gay and he regrets hurting me and he wants me back .I was cruel .I told him I moved on and that he hurt me and he thought i have a new boyfriend in the other country I was going to university .I told him I cannot decide right now if I will go back to him .I

e mailed him 2 weeks later telling him that we had something beautiful that is worth a second chance.Then I got a reply that he is awed and shocked that I want this because he has disturbed my life too much but wants to keep me as a friend.You can imagine how surprised I was .Of course this is not all.In fall I went abroad again and we continue contact but as friends via e mail.Just hi , how are you , very civil and casual as if we are strangers.I called and asked him if he has feelings for me and he said no.Then 3 weeks later he says he is engaged . And 11 days after the New Year has passed I get this 2 strange e mails from him and 2 IM messages with the same content asking for my new phone and then Happy New Year and Merry Christmas!!! Since then this is all except we talked 2 times on IM but very causal and civil just like two strangers meeting for the first time.

I am very successful in my studies and he knows it .He is also very good at what he is doing.

 

My question is how do you interpret his behavior?Why is he constantly trying to push me away ?He is not lying I know for sure .I have checked up on him.I don't buy the engagement thing because in an e mail he told me he does not want a serious relationship .So how in a month after that he suddenly gets engaged?He told me he is dating a teacher in fall.But to get engaged after 2 -3 months of dating ?I told him I have feelings for him and he told me I should stop having them because nothing will come out of it .This was before Christmas and then these 2 strange e mails asking for my number and wishing me happy new year although it was already the 11 th January?.He said he wanted to call and wish me happy new year ????If he is engaged why bother to call???

I just wanted some explanation to this strange behavior of his .And if somebody has been through the same .

Thank you for reading my post and replying to it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He's getting off on the chase, and has no intention of making the "kill" so to speak. Your primary worth to him lies in how long you will allow him to play this game with you. He's keeping you just far enough away for him to have to chase you. Its like a mirage - every step you take toward him will result in him taking another step back. If you come too close, he'll pull out something drastic that will be sure to push you away. If you run and get too far ahead though, he'll chase you until he has you in his sights again. Unless you are happy with the "eternal chase" game, you'll have to stop this game yourself. If he calls or contacts you, tell him that you have feelings for him, but that you cannot continue to keep yourself in such a selfish and hurtful situation with him, and then make yourself unavailable to him. It won't be easy, since you have feelings for him - but you have to make a choice: protect your heart and try to put it back together or allow this guy to keep grinding it down under his heel.

[everchanging7822]

Hey Lukrezia ,

 

Thank you , for your reply .Now everything makes sense.Do you know why some men do that?I still do not understand why?I was thinking to call him but I do not think it is a good idea.I just wanted to get some clearance.Now that I think he can be engaged and I might look pretty stupid calling an engaged guy .

I sent him an e mail very casual asking how is he doing .Should not have done it I suppose.

Your explanation was very insightful and I stay open to any other advice you have to offer.

[everchanging7822]

So here is an update.

I am sad to say Lucrezia that you are completely right.We got to talk because I had an upcoming interview for a summer intership in the states that I was going to be interviewed .I just needed his guidance and help because he has more experience and knows how things work in america.He was very polite we had a very refreshing positive and cheerful friendly conversation talking about wok and the interview and him wishing me good luck and saying all will go well .And all of a sudden he became serious and said :We are just friends .It made me cry I do not know why.And he understood that it made me cry and told me that he does not want to hurt me .What is that about?Saying : I do not want to hurt you ,and then my full name ???Calling me with all my three names?Nobody calls me that way ?And he never before called me that way ?Anyway, then we got to talk in IM about the interview and how it went.We talked 2 times this week on IM .First time about the interview and then to my surprise he was online and asked me about my day .It was really strange .He told me he had a rash from stress and went to see the doctor but he had it before too.And he told me that I will meet somebody nicer etc and asked me why I love him?And other interesting thing.I get these 2 e mail that he has sent at midnight his time one at 11:30 p.m and one at 11:50 p.m american time asking for my phone number?But he already has my phone number?When approaching the question and asking him what were these 2 emails about he said he is making an address book with all contacts of his friends?At midnight?When the next day at 8 a.m he is teaching?This is quite strange for me .

 

I started feeling really sick this week and had a lot of work and my tooth was aching .Suffice it to say was a hard week for me .I sent him an e mail just asking him for a good word of support and encouragement.GUess what ?No reply.So I wrote him another e mail saying that is better for me to stop communicating with him.Explained him how I feel about him but told him I cannot allow him to hurt me anymore.I hope I did the right thing.Basiacally I followed your advice

Thanks, for taking the time to read my post.Any expalnation on his behaviour will be much appreciated .

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by everchanging7822

Now everything makes sense.Do you know why some men do that?I still do not understand why?

 

Some girls do this too.

 

People usually aren't upfront about why they're behaving badly, so it's not always easy to say for sure. But he seems to like the attention and the chase. He may feel guilt and/or genuine concern about you, hence the concern for you on the phone. But he has other things going on in his life or changed his mind about carrying on further with you, hence the fact he didn't reply when you said about your tooth.

 

Bottom line: you're right to move on. Find someone more consistent who will love you reliably.

[everchanging7822]

Thanks Romeo,

 

His reply to my email saying that I can no longer maintain the friendhip because of my feelings was : "I will no longer contact you .Good bye".I guess this says it all.I responded that I would like to hear from him but after thinking about it during the weekend I wrote to him that I do not want him to contact me ever again.I do not think that I would like to have anything to do with him anymore.I hope I did the right thing.

Thank you for the support.Some people are just bad and there is nothing we can do to help them I guess they can only help themsleves:).I am just too naive thinking that when I treat people good they should do the same .I do not think he was genuinely concerned about me on the phone.He was trying to make me think there is some hope about us indirectly.As for being busy I am a busy person too.He can always send an e mail saying that he cares .Being busy is no excuse for treating a friend badly.

Sometimes second chances do not work.In my case I think is for the better.

[everchanging7822]

He is really engaged and things between him and this math teacher seem to be very serious.I wanted to know if he is honest with me about it because he has lied to me about being gay and I was not sure if he is really engaged or it is just another lie.The truth is he is engaged.I told him never to resurface in my life again.Honestly I do not think I can go through another apology or him coming back in 7 months saying I got divorced or I never married.I really do not know why such things has to happen to good people like me .I have never hurt or did anybody wrong.It seems so unfair and is so painful since I loved him.Not anymore all I feel is that my love for him is now tranformed in hatred.

I just wrote him an e mail saying what I bad person he is to do all of this to me.It is in a foreign langauge he cannot speak or read so he will not understand it .But this made me feel better.

I guess now I need advice on how to go through the pain and stop crying .I am already going to swimming and have made plans for the weekend .Hope this will help.But seeing people holding hands makes me cry.

I just need some support from you guys.

Thank you , for reading my post and replying to it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well, everchanging, I think you're going in the right direction already:

 

- reminding yourself of the lies and what an unsuitable partner he would have made

- distracting yourself with friends and fun activities

- "improving" yourself with things like swimming, exercise, makeovers, learning something

 

Remember, now you're not together it's not about him or the relationship anymore. It's about you and your future. So focus your energies on these. Go girl!

[everchangin7822]

Hey Reluctant Romeo ,

Thank you, for your reply. As hard as it is I know that life goes on and I must move on .It will take some time .He even told me that I need to be strong and move on .I know this myself. Now I feel like I have never hated somebody so much as I hate him .I am constantly learning and improving myself with or without him this is not an issue for me .I would be swimming or doing the things I do with or without a boyfriend. I am very active and this is how I am .I am just too sensitive and being away from home in a foreign country makes me more vulnerable. I am considered to be a successful person in my career. At least this is what people tell me. I wish I was as much successful in my personal life too. He is a creep that is not worthed. All this time he tried to string me along and use me as a safety belt. And I was a fool thinking something will come out of it. As for makeovers .You just gave me the courage to make my hair straight .I have natural girls that many friends consider sweet but I will buy straightening irons and straighten my hair I think this is a good make over

Thank you for your support. For some reason this break up which I hope now is the END gives me more courage and self esteem to look for a new boyfriend.I feel in a way happy I know the truth .I am definitely not wasting any more time on this ridiculous situation .I feel like all these years are a lie and I have wasted them believing in a big lie. I told him that and he said that he does not think it was a lie. Is not it strange how some people cannot face the reality and admit their mistakes?You might not believe it but till the end of this painful conversation he tried to joke about the situation hinting he might get divorced and come back and say he is available.I was in tears and he was joking about it ?How could he do this .What kind of cold heart you must have to do this. Hurting somebody and on top joking about their misery?All I know now is that of all men on earth I have bumped into the worst type of their species that exists.Hopefully I will have more luck in the future.But first I need to heal.It will take time

[everchanging7822]

Hey Reluctant Romeo ,

Thank you, for your reply. As hard as it is I know that life goes on and I must move on .It will take some time .He even told me that I need to be strong and move on .I know this myself. Now I feel like I have never hated somebody so much as I hate him .I am constantly learning and improving myself with or without him this is not an issue for me .I would be swimming or doing the things I do with or without a boyfriend. I am very active and this is how I am .I am just too sensitive and being away from home in a foreign country makes me more vulnerable. I am considered to be a successful person in my career. At least this is what people tell me. I wish I was as much successful in my personal life too. He is a creep that is not worthed. All this time he tried to string me along and use me as a safety belt. And I was a fool thinking something will come out of it. As for makeovers .You just gave me the courage to make my hair straight .I have natural girls that many friends consider sweet but I will buy straightening irons and straighten my hair I think this is a good make overJ

Thank you for your support. For some reason this break up which I hope now is the END gives me more courage and self esteem to look for a new boyfriendJ.I feel in a way happy I know the truth .I am definitely not wasting any more time on this ridiculous situation .I feel like all these years are a lie and I have wasted them believing in a big lie. I told him that and he said that he does not think it was a lie. Is not it strange how some people cannot face the reality and admit their mistakes?You might not believe it but till the end of this painful conversation he tried to joke about the situation hinting he might get divorced and come back and say he is available.I was in tears and he was joking about it ?How could he do this .What kind of cold heart you must have to do this. Hurting somebody and on top joking about their misery?All I know now is that of all men on earth I have bumped into the worst type of their species that exists.Hopefully the future holds more sunny, brighter happy days filled with love and afection for me .I have to heal I know and it takes time.The sooner I do this the better:)I already told him not to contact me .I do not want to go through the same all over again.It is too painful .