Small confessions...lots of questions

[msoptimistic]

So I've posted my situation on here a lot and got a lot of great advice and decided to make some changes...and, of course, just when you think you've got things figured out, something else happens and you're back to square 1...so, more advice please!

I am a MOW in an almost 2 yr. affair. H found out last summer and I agreed to end it but the A resumed very quickly and hasn't slowed up since. The overwhelming advice was to own up to H about A and just see where things go...also, the MM's wife found a text awhile back and things were swiftly going downhill there also....so, in an attempt to find peace I sat H down and explained that things were still not right (yep, I'm a wimp and couldn't just out and out say it)...didn't go into details with him but he reacted much as I expected and has completely withdrawn. I don't blame him. When I try to think about how he feels I try to think about me being with my MM and him cheating on me...would hurt like hell...H says he's gonna stay around for now because of my son who he is very attached to. So homelife is not peaceful; on the contrary even more stressful. So, being stressed, I decided to settle things with MM also and instead of being meek and mild and trying to make his life wonderful, I'd just ask all the questions I wanted and put him on the hot seat for awhile. Wow, not what I was expecting at all...we sat down for a talk and he broke down telling me why he hadn't left his M and why there had been times he had pulled back from me. Things I never ever saw coming even in my wildest imagination. But, considering how most of these situations end and even though I felt he was being sincere, I'm scared to let my guard down and let him sucker me any more than he may already have.

 

 

So, H is unhappy and very closed mouthed about it (wow, that is stressful) and AP has laid a whole new set of information out there to be digested...so, just how do you know when to trust a MM? And does time make any difference...if they go through the hassle of being found out and refuse to end the A and stick it out for months with only tiny baby steps toward leaving, do you keep holding on as long as they are taking any steps at all???

 

 

And, no, H does not ask ???s about the A; doesn't want to know-he says what I do is my business and that's it...sure it's still just the anger and hurt talking but boy is it hard to go home every day!

[Soverysad123]

Hello. I wanted to reply to you because I noticed you have not had any replies and need support. I am not sure of the answers to your questions. I think every situation is different. Different people and different situation involved in a very dangerous game. And my god if only I knew what I know now before I got involved in an A I would of run a million miles. But I didn't and nor did you. My only advice would be just see what happens because otherwise you will always wonder. But really I am not a great one to offer advice as I sit thinking and longing for my ExMM while on holiday with my family not feeling whole. For me that's the worst feeling. Of course the hurt is terrible but the never feeling whole or truly happy when with your family. I should feel blessed. Kids excited because the Easter bunny visits tonight, I am sitting in the warm looking out at the sea and all I can think of is all the questions, possible outcomes, the if, what's and buts. I sense that is you too. So I think what I am saying is if you don't want to make things better with your husband then just wait and see what happens with your MM but be very aware he may throw you under that bus and if you live in England it may be a big red double decker.

 

Take care x

[Lady2163]

I'm not trying to waste your time, but I don't know your story. Why don't you leave your husband if you are unhappy?

[jwi71]

So I've posted my situation on here a lot and got a lot of great advice and decided to make some changes...and, of course, just when you think you've got things figured out, something else happens and you're back to square 1...so, more advice please!

I am a MOW in an almost 2 yr. affair. H found out last summer and I agreed to end it but the A resumed very quickly and hasn't slowed up since. The overwhelming advice was to own up to H about A and just see where things go...also, the MM's wife found a text awhile back and things were swiftly going downhill there also....so, in an attempt to find peace I sat H down and explained that things were still not right (yep, I'm a wimp and couldn't just out and out say it)...didn't go into details with him but he reacted much as I expected and has completely withdrawn. I don't blame him. When I try to think about how he feels I try to think about me being with my MM and him cheating on me...would hurt like hell...H says he's gonna stay around for now because of my son who he is very attached to. So homelife is not peaceful; on the contrary even more stressful. So, being stressed, I decided to settle things with MM also and instead of being meek and mild and trying to make his life wonderful, I'd just ask all the questions I wanted and put him on the hot seat for awhile. Wow, not what I was expecting at all...we sat down for a talk and he broke down telling me why he hadn't left his M and why there had been times he had pulled back from me. Things I never ever saw coming even in my wildest imagination. But, considering how most of these situations end and even though I felt he was being sincere, I'm scared to let my guard down and let him sucker me any more than he may already have.

 

 

So, H is unhappy and very closed mouthed about it (wow, that is stressful) and AP has laid a whole new set of information out there to be digested...so, just how do you know when to trust a MM? And does time make any difference...if they go through the hassle of being found out and refuse to end the A and stick it out for months with only tiny baby steps toward leaving, do you keep holding on as long as they are taking any steps at all???

 

 

And, no, H does not ask ???s about the A; doesn't want to know-he says what I do is my business and that's it...sure it's still just the anger and hurt talking but boy is it hard to go home every day!

 

What life do you want? A life with your H, provided he doesn't leave you first, or one with the MM?

Once you know - the path forward will be obvious.

 

Your posts says nothing about what you want...

[sunburned]

You also said MM's reaction wasn't what you expected. You seemed surprised by whatever he said. But since you didn't share whether his reaction was favorable or unfavorable toward a future with you it makes it hard to give advice.

 

Sorry you are hurting though.

[msoptimistic]

Thanks and here's some more details...when I married my H we were very, very happy and were for many years...all the way until MM walked into the picture...literally, he walked up to introduce himself at a business and I was gone...

The reason it is so hard to leave H is because he has done absolutely nothing wrong; he feels he has and he hurts and I can see it and I know I caused it and the guilt takes over...

The MM and I sat down to talk and what he had to say that I didn't expect was this...he was married before his current wife...he was married to his previous wife for 18 years and she died. He stood beside her the whole time and after she passed he found out things that he never knew while she was alive, things that hurt him badly. When we first started talking, he told me I made him think of her, but this time we talked about the details...I resemble her, same profession, same smile, same lots of things and while he says he knows we're not the same person, there are so many similarities that it's almost spooky. Catch is, the good times with her were great but the letdown after her death was almost paralyzing for him. He stayed single for 8 years after her death and remarried a lady much younger than him who was into the partying scene. He says all he wanted was a companion not a "wife" and she needed out of a bad homelife. They have no kids together, no real ties but he doesn't want her to take him to court and take everything he has worked his whole life for? He tells me he loves me, has waited a long time for me to come along; that he wants to be with me everyday, etc. etc. Same things I'm sure all the OWs have heard, but I want to believe him. However, at the same time, I feel like I am competing with a ghost AND a younger woman...

H is slowly pulling further away and it is almost to the point of no return, but I keep catching myself saying I just have to find out about MM, knowing it will probably turn out very badly?

Just not sure how to deal with all of it???

[Nothisgirl]

Thanks and here's some more details...when I married my H we were very, very happy and were for many years...all the way until MM walked into the picture...literally, he walked up to introduce himself at a business and I was gone...

The reason it is so hard to leave H is because he has done absolutely nothing wrong; he feels he has and he hurts and I can see it and I know I caused it and the guilt takes over...

The MM and I sat down to talk and what he had to say that I didn't expect was this...he was married before his current wife...he was married to his previous wife for 18 years and she died. He stood beside her the whole time and after she passed he found out things that he never knew while she was alive, things that hurt him badly. When we first started talking, he told me I made him think of her, but this time we talked about the details...I resemble her, same profession, same smile, same lots of things and while he says he knows we're not the same person, there are so many similarities that it's almost spooky. Catch is, the good times with her were great but the letdown after her death was almost paralyzing for him. He stayed single for 8 years after her death and remarried a lady much younger than him who was into the partying scene. He says all he wanted was a companion not a "wife" and she needed out of a bad homelife. They have no kids together, no real ties but he doesn't want her to take him to court and take everything he has worked his whole life for? He tells me he loves me, has waited a long time for me to come along; that he wants to be with me everyday, etc. etc. Same things I'm sure all the OWs have heard, but I want to believe him. However, at the same time, I feel like I am competing with a ghost AND a younger woman...

H is slowly pulling further away and it is almost to the point of no return, but I keep catching myself saying I just have to find out about MM, knowing it will probably turn out very badly?

Just not sure how to deal with all of it???

 

Wow you have a lot going on and a lot to think about. My advice would be to make a choice ...$hit or get off the pot so to speak...make a choice to stick it out with your mm and see what happens or make a choice to work it through with your husband. I can't imagine trying to mediate two relationships like that always feeling like you're never enough or getting enough... good luck to you

[Owl]

Just not sure how to deal with all of it???

 

Respectfully...you've done nothing but AVOID dealing with it, this entire time.

 

TELL YOUR H THAT YOU'VE RESUMED THE AFFAIR.

 

END YOUR MARRIAGE TO HIM...OR FIX IT.

 

Get your stuff together on that front first.

 

You've been avoiding actually DOING anything on that front for a long time.

 

Either fix it, or end it.

 

Fixing it means ending the affair, and dealing with the damage you've done as a result, along with whatever else may be off in the relationship.

 

If you can't do that...end it. It's that simple...not easy, but simple.

 

Your marriage CANNOT improve while you maintain any contact with the MM. PERIOD.

 

So...either free yourself up to be with MM....or remove him from your life.

 

Waffling and waiting and hoping to see a chance that MM might do the same, and keeping your H on a string until then...wrong way to go.

 

Even if that string is one of your H's choosing.

[Snipercatt]

I just have to find out about MM

 

So, do it. Tell us how you're going to accomplish that.

[A.Moscote]

Hi msopt, hope you'd able to be strong and calm going through this dilemma. Be... well, optimist.

 

So far it seems like your H just knows but doesn't involves and you are struggling alone. That won't do. My approach would be to make your H work together with you, getting out of this crappy situation. This is a daunting challenge, to make it a easier would be to work hand in hand with someone who care for each other i.e. (hopefully, still) your H.

 

To do so however, you have to start with the truth, and you have to be the one to reach out. Gather your courage, craft your words politely and honestly, then find the suitable time to confess it all. Also convey thoroughly to him all that is in your heart and mind e.g. doubt, confusion, hope, anything even your feeling and attraction to the MM. Hopefully your H will want to work things out, and both of you can be open with one another.

 

I have to say that generally I'm a bit pro-R, though I admit every situation is unique. So if the MM is the one you wanted to be with now and in the future, then that is the path your effort should go. I have no idea how to do so, or maybe I'm just reluctant to, but I know there are members here who have done so successfully, and are happily together now.

 

And from the thread opening, yes time does make difference. What you get is what you spend the time on; your marriage, your affair, or your inaction.

[Survivor12]

You say that your H has done nothing to justify leaving...then why do you continue to torture him? He doesn't ask questions because he already knows the answers & is living in misery day after day--yet you dare complain how stressful it is for YOU?

 

You are being incredibly selfish. Be honest. You haven't left your H because the MM isn't available. If he were, you'd dump your H in a heartbeat. If you REALLY cared about his feelings, you'd tell him the truth and set him free. You and your H are both avoiding the truth. You want to be the one to decide when it's over and are afraid that he will leave & he doesn't want to hear the truth because the confirmation will force him to.

 

Look, if you want to give control of your life to the MM, fine--but perhaps your H doesn't. As it is, he has no idea that it's the MM calling the shots about the future of your marriage and his life--and that's because of you. He deserves the right to know the score so he can decide for himself, and if you would stop thinking only of yourself, you'd give him that choice.

[notserene]

Set your husband free from this messand stop jerking him around.

[gettingstronger]

OK- so you have backed yourself in to a position where neither man in your life wants you full time and as theirs-this is a great time to take stock and get healthy- take steps now to get strong enough to leave your marriage AND break it off with the MM-become a stronger, better you than you can think about getting involved with someone in a great relationship- its not an either or at this point-it kind of looks like a neither-neither relationship is healthy-there is nothing wrong with being alone- relationships or being in a relationship is not the only path to happiness-

[cocorico]

so, just how do you know when to trust a MM? And does time make any difference...if they go through the hassle of being found out and refuse to end the A and stick it out for months with only tiny baby steps toward leaving, do you keep holding on as long as they are taking any steps at all???

 

How do you know when to trust a MM? Same as with anyone else - if over time their behaviour is always congruent and consistent with their words, that's evidence that they can be trusted.

 

Should you keep holding on? That is a different matter. What are you holding on for? What kind of R do you want, and with which man (or both)? What is preventing you having that now?

[Owl]

How do you know when to trust a MM? Same as with anyone else - if over time their behaviour is always congruent and consistent with their words, that's evidence that they can be trusted.

 

Should you keep holding on? That is a different matter. What are you holding on for? What kind of R do you want, and with which man (or both)? What is preventing you having that now?

 

I think the converse of this is the biggest 'miss' in these kinds of relationships.

 

When their actions don't match their words...they've demonstrated that they're not trustworthy.

 

And quite often...the action of having an affair in the first place is typically an indicator as well. Infidelity behind a spouse's back is NOT typically an indicator of a trustworthy personality.

 

OP...in your case...has his actions matched his words? What has his actions told you about his goals and plans?

 

Editted to add:

 

You might take a second and turn this around as well. What do YOUR actions tell you about your true goals and intentions? Where do you believe your actions are taking you?

[PhoenixRise]

Thanks and here's some more details...when I married my H we were very, very happy and were for many years...all the way until MM walked into the picture...literally, he walked up to introduce himself at a business and I was gone...

The reason it is so hard to leave H is because he has done absolutely nothing wrong; he feels he has and he hurts and I can see it and I know I caused it and the guilt takes over...

The MM and I sat down to talk and what he had to say that I didn't expect was this...he was married before his current wife...he was married to his previous wife for 18 years and she died. He stood beside her the whole time and after she passed he found out things that he never knew while she was alive, things that hurt him badly. When we first started talking, he told me I made him think of her, but this time we talked about the details...I resemble her, same profession, same smile, same lots of things and while he says he knows we're not the same person, there are so many similarities that it's almost spooky. Catch is, the good times with her were great but the letdown after her death was almost paralyzing for him. He stayed single for 8 years after her death and remarried a lady much younger than him who was into the partying scene. He says all he wanted was a companion not a "wife" and she needed out of a bad homelife. They have no kids together, no real ties but he doesn't want her to take him to court and take everything he has worked his whole life for? He tells me he loves me, has waited a long time for me to come along; that he wants to be with me everyday, etc. etc. Same things I'm sure all the OWs have heard, but I want to believe him. However, at the same time, I feel like I am competing with a ghost AND a younger woman...

H is slowly pulling further away and it is almost to the point of no return, but I keep catching myself saying I just have to find out about MM, knowing it will probably turn out very badly?

Just not sure how to deal with all of it???

 

I think you need to take a clear eyed look at why this MM approached you in the first place.

 

Im not saying that he hasn't developed some genuine feelings for you but do you really think it is a coincidence that he is involved with someone who reminds him (in so many different ways) of his late wife? Maybe it is not deliberate or even conscious on his part but I think that you in large part represent unfinished emotional business with his late wife.

 

I think your pain and confusion will start to get better when you find the courage to make a solid decision about your life. You are telling half truths to your husband making him feel responsible for a marital situation that you have stated is not his fault, and MM is married to one woman and trying to recreate what he had with his late wife with another.

 

You are not going to be able to use either of these men as a launching pad out of this situation. Decide for yourself what you want. Then find the courage to do that.

[Friskyone4u]

Your husband is the one that needs to figure out what he is doing. Right now be is coming home every day I owing you are sleeping with another man. He is the one allowing you to be in this position, and you will just continue on until he mans up and tells you to leave.

Right now you should be content. You have both and are cake eating with no pressure indicating that your days of being married but single are coming to an end.

Someone needs to have a talk with your husband. He is the only one that can force the issue. You will not