my ex texted me that he misses me after 2 years of no contact. What does he want?

[KaliLove]

Well then, that changes things from her perspective then. I didn't read that thread.

 

You should definitely check it out. The title is the same as this one.

[Raid]

It's up to you to tell her your intentions, you are the dumper. I'm sorry, there's a good chance that she doesn't trust you at all. Part of being a dumper is putting yourself out there if you really want the dumpee back. It's up to you to declare your intentions, not her. I'm not saying you are wrong for dumping, but if you dump and want to reconsider, it's on you to come clean, not her.

 

I guess your right, I don't mind telling her how i feel. Its more the delivery of how to tell her with out making her freak out / think I'm strange.

 

The other issue is she now lives 2000 kilometers from my city, so the logistics are going to be very difficult even if things were to work out...

Edited April 19, 2014 by Raid

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess your right, I don't mind telling her how i feel. Its more the delivery of how to tell her with out making her freak out / think I'm strange.

 

The other issue is she now lives 2000 kilometers from my city, so the logistics are going to be very difficult even if things were to work out...

 

Well, no one said you had to do it today. Wait until you are closer if you want. And if she thinks you're strange, who cares? Then maybe you can move forward.

[elliX]

Yeah, it wasn't his responsibility to answer you and it wasn't his fault that you turned down the job. You still have no right to be angry at him for that.

 

He sounds like a temperamental SOB though. If you do want to try again with him (which, honestly, I would not recommend at all because he sounds nuts) I would take it EXTREMELY slow and make sure he's made some major changes.

 

 

 

 

 

He had several times asked me to move to his city. But his past actions were bad news for me and could not make up such an important decision that easily. He broke up with me like a dozen of times always for silly reasons as I have already mentioned ( other examples: once I forgot to buy him cigarettes while I was driving to his place and he thought I didnt care about him and dumped me, another time I disagreed with him when HE asked for my opinion about sth and dumped me because he thought I was not supporting him, while I was totally supportive..... and so on and so forth, sound amusing, huh? NOT). I am pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder and that explains much of his behavior, but this was something I had to live with and wanted some time to decide. When I called him to say my final decision after a month, he told me he was already dating another woman and we were over. I couldnt say anything I was devastated, but afterwards I texted him my decision. He never answered back .

 

 

We are in our early 30s. Indeed he sounds like a SOB but I somehow still hope he has "grown up". This is why I try to decipher his recent text about missing me

[elliX]

How old are you two?

 

You sound like you are in your early 20s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surprise... early 30s

[elliX]

If you look at her thread in the Break Up section you will see that she admitted that she was the dumper, not him.

 

 

 

 

He had several times asked me to move to his city. But his past actions were bad news for me and could not make up such an important decision that easily. He broke up with me like a dozen of times always for silly reasons as I have already mentioned ( other examples: once I forgot to buy him cigarettes while I was driving to his place and he thought I didnt care about him and dumped me, another time I disagreed with him when HE asked for my opinion about sth and dumped me because he thought I was not supporting him, while I was totally supportive..... and so on and so forth, sound amusing, huh? NOT). I am pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder and that explains much of his behavior, but this was something I had to live with and wanted some time to decide. When I called him to say my final decision after a month, he told me he was already dating another woman and we were over. I couldnt say anything I was devastated, but afterwards I texted him my decision. He never answered back .

[elliX]

I opened the other session because I thought my thread was more relevant to breakups. I dont know how to delete this one

[elliX]

It means just that. "I miss you." Not "I love you." Not "I want to get back together". That's all it means.

 

If you suspect bad behaviour, if he's exhibiting bad behaviour, if his actions and words are not consistently reflective of each other, if he's not supportive, if he's dumping you for ridiculous reasons - is this someone you want to hang around?

 

You know what he misses? His scut monkey. Don't be the scut monkey.

 

 

 

 

 

You are totally right. He WAS not someone I want to hang around but I will not forgive myself missing the possibility that he has changed after 2 years.

[Downtown]

I am pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder and that explains much of his behavior...I somehow still hope he has "grown up".

Ellix, if your exBF does have strong BPD traits as you suspect, there is zero chance of him maturing during his 30's in only two years absent professional guidance. What would be needed is several years of intensive, weekly therapy from a psychologist who is very experienced in treating BPDers. What behaviors did you see that you believe to be warning signs for BPD? I ask because my exW is a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits).

[KaliLove]

My ex is also BPD/NPD. They are not capable of change nor are they capable of being in a relationship. Move on.

[elliX]

Ellix, if your exBF does have strong BPD traits as you suspect, there is zero chance of him maturing during his 30's in only two years absent professional guidance. What would be needed is several years of intensive, weekly therapy from a psychologist who is very experienced in treating BPDers. What behaviors did you see that you believe to be warning signs for BPD? I ask because my exW is a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits).

 

 

 

 

 

I gave some examples of breakup reasons above (once I forgot to buy him cigarettes while I was driving to his place and he thought I didnt care about him and dumped me, another time I disagreed with him when HE asked for my opinion about sth and dumped me because he thought I was not supporting him, while I was totally supportive). I think he met all the criteria of BPD. To sum up, he constantly thought he was rejected for silly reasons BUT this was not clear egoism, as he seemed to suffer a lot from those hypothetical rejections

[elliX]

My ex is also BPD/NPD. They are not capable of change nor are they capable of being in a relationship. Move on.

 

 

 

I know I should have already moved on, I tried but cant. And now he texts...

[elliX]

Ellix, if your exBF does have strong BPD traits as you suspect, there is zero chance of him maturing during his 30's in only two years absent professional guidance. What would be needed is several years of intensive, weekly therapy from a psychologist who is very experienced in treating BPDers. What behaviors did you see that you believe to be warning signs for BPD? I ask because my exW is a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits).

 

 

 

maybe I am wrong, I am not an expert

[Downtown]

Maybe I am wrong [about him exhibiting strong BPD traits], I am not an expert

Nor am I. Like KaliLove, my experience comes from living with a BPDer -- 15 years in my case. If you're interested in learning how to spot the red flags, I list many of them at 18 Warning Signs. I also provide a more detailed explanation of how to spot those red flags in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And I suspect KaliLove also would contribute to such a discussion because she is very familiar with these warning signs.

[KaliLove]

I know I should have already moved on, I tried but cant. And now he texts...

 

There is no can't. There is only won't.

[elliX]

Nor am I. Like KaliLove, my experience comes from living with a BPDer -- 15 years in my case. If you're interested in learning how to spot the red flags, I list many of them at 18 Warning Signs. I also provide a more detailed explanation of how to spot those red flags in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And I suspect KaliLove also would contribute to such a discussion because she is very familiar with these warning signs.

 

 

 

 

He meets most of them. Honestly, I didnt care much whether he was BPD or not, I was ready and willing to move in with him regardless of his psychiatric background.

[elliX]

There is no can't. There is only won't.

 

 

 

Well, it seems that I can´t get him out of my head, no matter how hard I´ve tried.

[elseaacych]

Well, it seems that I can´t get him out of my head, no matter how hard I´ve tried.

 

Maybe you should stop trying and obsessing about it? Let the thoughts happen. Acknowledge them, say (maybe out loud) "Okay. I've thought about him. I need to go do x." Then go do it. Repeat as often as needed.

 

Or, set your timer for 15 minutes a day, once a day, where all you get to do is think about him. Then, do my first advice.

 

Eventually, you get to a point where you just won't think about him as much... and then you will only think of him rarely.

[elliX]

Maybe you should stop trying and obsessing about it? Let the thoughts happen. Acknowledge them, say (maybe out loud) "Okay. I've thought about him. I need to go do x." Then go do it. Repeat as often as needed.

 

Or, set your timer for 15 minutes a day, once a day, where all you get to do is think about him. Then, do my first advice.

 

Eventually, you get to a point where you just won't think about him as much... and then you will only think of him rarely.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. it just wont work. I have tried everything, I deal with his thoughts during the last two years daily. My brain seems to have created a unique circuit about him. I need an end to this situation, either good or bad.

[elliX]

To catch up, I initiated a new contact explaining that I behaved rudely because I was surprised, I did not expect his message and still asking what was he willing to talk about. He answered that he cannot forget me easily and get me out of his life. Maybe some things have changed but he cannot stop caring about me no matter that there´s been two days or two years that we are apart. It was just the moment that he found the courage to contact me. He needs to talk with me not for a specific topic, just talk. And he misses me.

 

 

I am totally confused!!! dunno what to think. Well, every time he wanted to get back together ( as I already said we had a dozen of breakups during our relationship) he never never omitted the phrase I miss you. Sometimes it was the only thing he said. I knew it was a phrase of reconciliation, and he knew that I knew that.

 

 

He has already told that three times during the present conversation. If he just wants us to be friends, why does he mess up with my mind? How can I clarify his intentions? Any advice would be very useful.