Do women truely fall out of love with men who have put them through too much?

[trippi1432]

WGW and Old Shirt....:YES YES YES AND YES!! Great posts!!

 

(Wow!! And it didn't even take prowess in bed to get me yelling like that!!) ;)

[trippi1432]

Well the truth is I was the badboy the entire marriage till she finally had enough I guess...I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it never worried about the consequences of what might happen in the long run..I never truely respected the marriage and it did me in...

 

I know all of you guys are right..I just gotta pound it into my head! I guess its so many years of hearing bullsh@t like if you make her toes curl she will never leave and other things like that which are pounded into mens heads threw the years by egoidiots who probably found it adequate to cum in 5.5 seconds..

 

Men are bullsh@t artists in many cases who will tell you how they go all night long off the ceilings and the walls, etc to make themselves look like studs when the simple fact is much of it is plain out bullsh@t!

 

But this is alot of the stuff that get pounded in your head time and time again till it becomes a way of thinking or seeing things..I take karate and my sensei says that you have to do a particular move 10,000 times for it to become something that becomes second nature to you or a subconcious act

 

Its similar to that..If you have this sort of thinking pounded in your head for years you are going to think this way and when a women leaves you you are going to think I must have a problem cause she would have never left if i was f@cking her right!

 

Hurts - The above in bold is the answer to your initial post on why women fall out of love and leave when a man puts them through too much.

 

I've not weighed in as you asked about women who have fallen out of love and left.....I didn't physically leave....but I was emotionally checked out on my addiction obsessed exH. I honestly should have left him a decade before he left us.....maybe even further back than that. I stopped supporting his habit years before he finally left and I sat in Al-Anon meetings after he left wondering what I could have done to save him...maybe I wasn't caring enough to understand his addiction, what could I have done better. What I saw there was a bunch of just as obsessed women as their alcoholic husbands, wanting to change their men....and I came to the conclusion that I had been being cheated on the entire time.

 

Booze is an alcoholics mistress...every bit of love, lust, passion, zest for life, caring and empathy is in that bottle of beer or liquor. There's no place for those feelings for an alcoholic outside of the addiction, it's the only time they "feel good" other than perhaps having sex. The mind is stuck in euphoria, the rest of life is boring, a chore, a nuisance...a problem. It robs wives of good men, it robs men of their jobs and getting ahead, it robs children of good role models and it even robs mothers and fathers of decent kids. Sometimes it does take a swift kick in the pants for a person to see that.

 

Based on your post and continual obsession about your prowess as opposed to facing that section above in bold, which is probably the most spot on epiphany you have had so far, do you think that your sensei is right? Do you have to do a particular move 10,000 times before it's perfected? How about doing 10,000 acts of empathy? I get what you are saying about having something pounded into your head 10,000 times (a very wrong message at that)....but equating it to what your sensei is telling you...well, you have the choice to correlate it how you want. I think if my sensei were telling me that, I would be thinking about what I could be doing outside of my pe*is to be a better person, rather than thinking other people are to blame for my way of thinking.

[SoleMate]

I'm one more women (probably about #20 now?) to say that yes, a man's bad behavior can turn love into not love. It's not even hate. It's just a burned-out lack of caring. I feel like my devotion and my efforts to be a great wife got used against me. The more devoted I was, the more he took advantage. I got so little out of my marriage....no affection, little companionship, no respect and just a rude, self-entitled slob to clean up after. I got tired of slaving for someone.....I knew I was not born to slave. He, too, was stunned that I would be through.

 

Read up on the Love Bank model of relationships. Simply put, everything you do with, to, for, about, or against your partner or the r/s is a net deposit or withdrawal in the Love Bank. Be devoted and loving and you're making a deposit. Neglect, humiliate and mistreat her and you're making withdrawals. The early years of intense love make big deposits. You're both very in love. Then inertia takes over and can carry you through bad years of alcoholism, DUIs, nights out with no call, money wasted, rent checks bouncing etc. etc. The bad behavior chips away bit by bit. Then at last it's gone.

 

As far as sex goes, wonderfull lovemaking with the caring and devoted man I love is great. But even nominally good sex with a sloppy jerk who treats me worse than the parakeet doesn't create love.

[cozycottagelg]

My husbands behavior throughout our marriage has diminished the love and respect that I had for him. I am no longer "in love" and I am merely existing.

 

He is amazing in bed. Does everything right.

 

I cringe when he touches me and I don't want to kiss him. I don't initiate sex and I avoid it at all costs.

 

I think you're thinking that women feel the same way about sex as men. We don't. You said something about making a womens toes curl. That isn't nearly as important to me as having a partner, a friend, a good father for my babies... sex..eh.

 

And I say this as someone who used to initiate sex every single day.

[worldgonewrong]

Yeah, and the risk at putting too fine a point on this thing:

 

The problem is that when a guy gets kicked to the curb, the first thing he does is look down at his dick and ask, "What happened?" as opposed to looking into his brain/heart.

[TAV]

My ex-husband went as far as thinking, despite the divorce being signed and over with for ages and us hardly talking, that as long as I did not sleep with anyone else I was still his. Urrrrggghhh.

 

Apparently he did not care that my heart and soul had checked out a long time ago, only when I gave my body away he considered the marriage truly over.

 

OP, this is such a wrong line of thinking. Please learn from this so you will do better with the next woman in your life!

[cozycottagelg]

My ex-husband went as far as thinking, despite the divorce being signed and over with for ages and us hardly talking, that as long as I did not sleep with anyone else I was still his. Urrrrggghhh.

 

Apparently he did not care that my heart and soul had checked out a long time ago, only when I gave my body away he considered the marriage truly over.

 

OP, this is such a wrong line of thinking. Please learn from this so you will do better with the next woman in your life!

 

This is so absolutely spot on based on myself, and many of my girlfriends.

[hurts_so_bad]

My husbands behavior throughout our marriage has diminished the love and respect that I had for him. I am no longer "in love" and I am merely existing.

 

He is amazing in bed. Does everything right.

 

I cringe when he touches me and I don't want to kiss him. I don't initiate sex and I avoid it at all costs.

 

I think you're thinking that women feel the same way about sex as men. We don't. You said something about making a womens toes curl. That isn't nearly as important to me as having a partner, a friend, a good father for my babies... sex..eh.

 

And I say this as someone who used to initiate sex every single day.

 

I am sorry your relationship ended up like mine but I have to say thank you for your post becuase this is the exact kinda answer I wanted to hear which pretty much blows away all the Bullsh@t men hear threw the years about women never leaving due to great sex...

 

That exact Bullsh@t is what gets pounded into mens brains to think if she leaves you you must have a small dick or your not doing something right!

 

My ex had partners prior to me and actually left a 6 year relationship for me when we were in our early 20's..we got married and had three kids together..I pretty much drove her nuts for 17 years before she left but yet when she left I didnt look at all those things to say wow! I must be great in the sack for her to take all that sh@t!

 

No I looked at it as sh@t! she found someone better and I must not have been good enough..All do due the bullsh@t that men hear threw the years..Its unfortunate but people look at it as men are just egotistical aholes with no fealing but when that ego gets hurt we get really really hurt and bad!

 

sometimes I think we would be better off without the damn thing!

[KaliLove]

Yeah, if a guy doesn't treat me well I don't care how he is in bed. I'm not attracted to @ssholes. Or men who can't spell...just sayin'...

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, if a guy doesn't treat me well I don't care how he is in bed. I'm not attracted to @ssholes. Or men who can't spell...just sayin'...

 

The spelling thing irks me too!

 

I actually ended up overlooking it because my husband was so amazing in the beginning.

 

I am another who is disgusted/exhausted by husband's overall behaviour and lack of consideration.

 

It goes far deeper than sex but in my case that is a HUGE part of it.

But even with sex all but taken off of the table, there have still been flickers of hope for reconciliation. However, he has come as close to exhausting all of those as he possibly can without having divorce papers slammed in his face.

 

For now, we are in marital counselling, which was desperately needed for years. I feel used, bored, anxious, frustrated, angry, desperate, lonely, ugly and absolutely exhausted. A few good F--k sessions aren't going to help that much. I could give a damn if my toes curl. I don't trust him and he hasn't shown me MUCH in that regard.

 

Can I physically orgasm with him? Yes. But so what? I can have one within a minute all by myself, doesn't mean that my hand is the "love of my life" that I want to "bond with forever."

 

In the last two sessions of marital counselling, he has made some stunning realizations. And for the last two days has made -slightly- more effort around the house. And more effort at work (which is nice when you average together the paycheques and realize he's only working 10-15 hours a week. )

 

But everything else is ON ME. Solely. It sucks. I didn't sign up to have a man-child. Our relationship is so draining that I haven't been able to enjoy our ACTUAL child anywhere near what I had hoped, and she turns 5 next month.

 

Truth of the matter is, in marital counselling, I am "present" but after all of this time and bullshart with him, I am not even sure if I want it or not. Even if he turned into Prince Charming of the Working Class tomorrow, I don't know if I could EVER really trust him again.

 

And nothing is less-attractive to a woman than a man-child who can't get up, dress himself, get his ass to work OR clean the house OR do SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, consider the effect he has on others, not call names, not make stupid threats, lie like a little kid, play mind games, start really stupid, pointless fights and not keep a single promise. Just saying a whole bunch of "I forgot/I don't know/but you started it/you're so mean/Stop treating me like a little kid, I'm 36 years old/I don't wanna do that/I need to sleep in, I'm tired. You're a 'blah blah blah.'" Then when all of that doesn't work for him, run away like a little kid who "isn't ever coming home again." Then hours later "wants to just come home" after sitting in the park and drinking with some buddies. ARG.

 

On some level, you feel bad for them. But overall it's just like "God, can someone just babysit this brat for a weekend, I need a break and maybe I can go on an actual date with someone nice."

[TAV]

Wow, don't hold back,Thinkingoftigers

 

Bet it felt good to get that off your chest. and good luck with the counselling.

[hurts_so_bad]

The spelling thing irks me too!

 

I actually ended up overlooking it because my husband was so amazing in the beginning.

 

I am another who is disgusted/exhausted by husband's overall behaviour and lack of consideration.

 

It goes far deeper than sex but in my case that is a HUGE part of it.

But even with sex all but taken off of the table, there have still been flickers of hope for reconciliation. However, he has come as close to exhausting all of those as he possibly can without having divorce papers slammed in his face.

 

For now, we are in marital counselling, which was desperately needed for years. I feel used, bored, anxious, frustrated, angry, desperate, lonely, ugly and absolutely exhausted. A few good F--k sessions aren't going to help that much. I could give a damn if my toes curl. I don't trust him and he hasn't shown me MUCH in that regard.

 

Can I physically orgasm with him? Yes. But so what? I can have one within a minute all by myself, doesn't mean that my hand is the "love of my life" that I want to "bond with forever."

 

In the last two sessions of marital counselling, he has made some stunning realizations. And for the last two days has made -slightly- more effort around the house. And more effort at work (which is nice when you average together the paycheques and realize he's only working 10-15 hours a week. )

 

But everything else is ON ME. Solely. It sucks. I didn't sign up to have a man-child. Our relationship is so draining that I haven't been able to enjoy our ACTUAL child anywhere near what I had hoped, and she turns 5 next month.

 

Truth of the matter is, in marital counselling, I am "present" but after all of this time and bullshart with him, I am not even sure if I want it or not. Even if he turned into Prince Charming of the Working Class tomorrow, I don't know if I could EVER really trust him again.

 

And nothing is less-attractive to a woman than a man-child who can't get up, dress himself, get his ass to work OR clean the house OR do SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, consider the effect he has on others, not call names, not make stupid threats, lie like a little kid, play mind games, start really stupid, pointless fights and not keep a single promise. Just saying a whole bunch of "I forgot/I don't know/but you started it/you're so mean/Stop treating me like a little kid, I'm 36 years old/I don't wanna do that/I need to sleep in, I'm tired. You're a 'blah blah blah.'" Then when all of that doesn't work for him, run away like a little kid who "isn't ever coming home again." Then hours later "wants to just come home" after sitting in the park and drinking with some buddies. ARG.

 

On some level, you feel bad for them. But overall it's just like "God, can someone just babysit this brat for a weekend, I need a break and maybe I can go on an actual date with someone nice."

 

Wow DOT..Sounds like you have a spoiled husband on your hands! I ws spoiled to a certain extent and did a lot of stupid sh@t as I mentioned in the beginning of the thread but I always maintained my household with the mortgage being paid, food on the table and a pretty dare good life not lacking anything when it came to the jones's..Maybe our stuff wasnt as expensive but our life all n all was good..

 

This is why I cant understand whysome people would stay with someone who is even worse then I was! This is why I end up pointing in the direction of that there must be something wrong on my end..

 

I provided and took care of my kids and household..I would die for my kids and whether the ex knows it or not I would have for her..This is why I cant see past why she left sometimes when other women have it so much more difficult but stay..

 

Again it makes me feel that these guys that get away with this crap must have something Im lacking

[Yarrow]

This is why I cant understand whysome people would stay with someone who is even worse then I was! This is why I end up pointing in the direction of that there must be something wrong on my end..

 

...

 

Again it makes me feel that these guys that get away with this crap must have something Im lacking

 

Are you for real? The reason some women stay with guys worse than you, and it doesn't get much worse than an addict, is because the woman doesn't have enough self-respect or resources to leave, not because the guy has some redeeming quality that you do not.

 

So your wife finally worked up the self-respect she needed to drop you? Good for her! Now, are you going to learn something from all of this, or are you just going to keep with your same old way of thinking that got you in this mess in the first place?

[BlueIris]

Thats why I am asking the question...Have any of you women out there truely fell out of love with your ex due to the things he has done to make you feel no feeling for him anymore to the point where you would not get back with him?

 

Please give honest answers..Not just answers that are answers out of anger toward your ex because you still care for him...I am looking for true answers from women who have truely lost the feeling of being in love with their husbands due to his issues

 

I was married briefly to a man who was bipolar-I with psychotic episodes who didn't take his meds regularly. Yeah, great sex there too. But man, having MY life in a constant, or recurring, emotional firestorm, where someone else is starting the fires that damage me over and over? No. It's crazy to stay in that state and, no, I don't love him any more. It's sad but it was entirely out of my control. This is a perfect way of putting it: "burned-out lack of caring."

[hurts_so_bad]

Are you for real? The reason some women stay with guys worse than you, and it doesn't get much worse than an addict, is because the woman doesn't have enough self-respect or resources to leave, not because the guy has some redeeming quality that you do not.

 

So your wife finally worked up the self-respect she needed to drop you? Good for her! Now, are you going to learn something from all of this, or are you just going to keep with your same old way of thinking that got you in this mess in the first place?

 

I guess your right..A lot of women are probably scared of the unknown or just dont have the abilities to split on their own.. Your a bit harsh...lol.. yes! I have changed! Im probably the best man I have ever been at this point in my life..Sometimes with age comes wisdom...

 

Im in Karate now, I work out 3-4 times a week, Ive been going to Theropy, I own my own home, pay my mortgage, child support, and have a great relationship with my kids....I guess it took a good kick in the @ss for me to smarten up! Im a slow learned what can I say?

 

Just some insecurities since the breakup that I have to deal with but thats what theropy and asking questions on here is for..

[BlueIris]

I guess your right..A lot of women are probably scared of the unknown or just dont have the abilities to split on their own.. Your a bit harsh...lol.. yes! I have changed! Im probably the best man I have ever been at this point in my life..Sometimes with age comes wisdom...

 

Im in Karate now, I work out 3-4 times a week, Ive been going to Theropy, I own my own home, pay my mortgage, child support, and have a great relationship with my kids....I guess it took a good kick in the @ss for me to smarten up! Im a slow learned what can I say?

 

Just some insecurities since the breakup that I have to deal with but thats what theropy and asking questions on here is for..

 

OP,

 

I hope you’re happy with your new way of living, that it feels good.

 

I just want to mention that lots of men also stay in marriages with people who are “worse” than you were. Some people- men or women- stay a long time, especially if they have children together. Lots of people hope that their efforts with a dysfunctioning or harmful partner will cause the partner to change. Lots are so busy being the solid and reliable parent and partner that they don’t get around to leaving. Lots fear the crisis and chaos of leaving and getting a divorce, so they stay because they don’t think they could handle more than they’re already handling. It isn’t a woman thing, it’s a people thing. Sometimes it's easier to understand and empathize with another person if you see him or her as a person rather than a category, which kind of dehumanizes them.

 

I hope all continues to go well for you.