hillie24 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Hi, everyone. This is the first time I have written, but I have used the advice from other threads before. I have a dilemma that you probably don't care about, but I'm going to explain anyway. My baby girl is 8 months old. She is beautiful and I love her more than anything in the world. The problem is, I can no longer say the same about my husband. Not all the time, at least. About four months ago, I began an affair with a guy from work. Now, I think I am in love with him. I know that its probably impossible to be in love with two men at once, but I just don't know. My husband used to treat me like crap, and tell me (while I was pregnant) that he wanted to sleep with who used to be my best friend. I went through counseling, and while I can't say that I'm over everything he's done, I'm doing better. Now, he's trying to make up for how he used to act, but it just isn't working. When he tries to be sweet, I get annoyed, and think about the other guy I'm with. I'm not sure what will happen, but I don't want to ruin my daughter's life, just because I'm not sure if I still love my husband. I don't feel guilty about cheating on him, and thats what worries me. Any advice on what I should do would be great. Thanks so much. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 if you don't know that you love your husband, that's problem number one. forget about the guy you're sleeping with, he's just a distraction from thinking about what you need to do. if you got divorced and tried to reconciliate with your affair afterward, that would be fine. if he really loves you, he will wait. but if you're "not sure" you love your husband, that means you might still love him. find out if you do...but you can't do that while falling in love with a temporary substitute. however, if your husband goes back to being a jerk, by all means, leave him. no one needs that. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Um, if you have an infant to take care of, how are you even finding time and energy to go cheat?! Focus on what is good and decent in yourself and act accordingly to protect your baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 While the OM is in your life it's going to be very hard to ever accept your husband and determine whether or not you love him. The OM is a distraction that allows you to live in a fantasy world of love and romance while distancing yourself from your husband. This situation does not afford you the opportunity to analyze and understand what you want. You have to make a decision and stick with it. You need to ask yourself if you're ready to walk away from this marriage with no regret. If so, then you need to tell your husband, leave and file for divorce. If you're unable to say that you could walk away with no regret over the marriage ending, then you need to end the affair and invest your emotional and mental energy into the marriage. If you find after having given it a fair shot that you no longer want to be in the marriage then you should leave and file for divorce. You have to make a decision. No one can make it for you. Either leave and take your chances with the OM or stay and work on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 If you're unable to say that you could walk away with no regret over the marriage ending, then you need to end the affair and invest your emotional and mental energy into the marriage. Well said, and may I add, don't be lazy about it. Marriage is hard work on both parties involved. If you're not willing to make some sacrifices, (ie, give up this OM), then whatever comes of this, you deserve it. You've already screwed up your vows, don't make another mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 A fundamental flaw is in thinking that by "testing the waters" you'll prove to yourself how you feel about your husband. The others are right in saying that you need to remove the other guy from this situation. You have to focus on your husband and why your marriage exists in the first place. And that can't be done if you're thinking of some other guy. My question is this: If your husband started out being a jerk and you married him, why would you leave him now that he is changing? I mean no offense, I'm just trying to understand the situation a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 sure you're sick of hearing this, but "cheating is never right". Seems he's said some real damaging and hurtful things to you which made you feel like embarrassed and unwanted. Who could blame you? No one likes to hear from their spouse that they want to have sex with another man/woman, especially a best friend of yours! Makes you wonder. hmmm..... This statement also suggests he has has thought about cheating/has cheated/or has potential, technically speaking. it's entirely possible he said it in the midst of a major arguement with you just to get you right where it hurts. This may explain your reason to have an affair in a nutshell. Is the OM married as well? Either or, he is like Pocky said, a "fantasy". Physical intmacy exists and so do emotions, but it's a fantasy relationship until you and the OM are in an open and honest relationship. If you are truly in love with the OM, gotta make a decision here. I know you have a baby, but what makes you happy will make her happy; seeing you in an honest and healthy relationship with a man you are in love with, who is a great father figure may be better than her growing up to you and your hubby-now arguing, being distant, cheating, etc. Think about that. The biological father may be a good father and a part of her life, but assuming for arguement sake you divorce the biological father (hubby-now) and marry the OM, both men will be a big part of her life. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's how people love and care about you that make you family and parental figures, not how 'it should be'. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Take it from people who have been there.... you need to concentrate on what you're lacking in your life... the void that has made you receptive to this affair. It sounds as if the feelings that you once had for your husband are no longer alive. If that's the case, I'd suggest you take the necessary steps to end things with him BEFORE you think about starting a new life with some other guy. The fact that you feel no guilt tells me that you must not be very emotionally connected to your husband. You don't mention whether the OM is married also. If so.... well... that's another issue. Do some soul searching.... find out what it is that you really want and need and then, do what you have to do to make it happen. But do it honestly and openly ....not shrouded in the secrecy of an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Keep in mind, you're in the wrong. Not your husband. Everyone is saying that you need to find out this, and you need to find out that, if you find you don't love your husband anymore, leave him. This is nonsense. I'll make it easy for you, follow this advice, and the decision will be made for you: Tell your husband about your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by Moose Tell your husband about your affair. Ditto. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Moose has it right. do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by hillie24 I know that its probably impossible to be in love with two men at once, but I just don't know. actually, it's not impossible... the difference is you're married to one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 have fun with your affair. But DON'T fall in the love-that is such a mistake. If you are falling in love, dump him and find another man to fool around with. The other man probably doesn't say hurtful things to you. Forget about your husband. he's proven himself to be selfish, and not worth spending time on. Be pragmatic however-i'm sure there are advantages to keeping him around, like money and caring for the baby. If he doesn't do either of those, ditch him. No matter what happens, you will resent him for a long time, with/without counseling. Live your own life for YOU and YOUR BABY. Forget about the husband for awhile-cause he forgot about YOU. Be nice to him, and treat him as a friend-but no more. Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 P.S. DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND! It's none of his concern anyway-for all you know, he's sleeping with your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Lovely advice there uberfrau....I bet your relationships are winners........really. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by uberfrau have fun with your affair. But DON'T fall in the love-that is such a mistake. If you are falling in love, dump him and find another man to fool around with. The other man probably doesn't say hurtful things to you. Forget about your husband. he's proven himself to be selfish, and not worth spending time on. Be pragmatic however-i'm sure there are advantages to keeping him around, like money and caring for the baby. If he doesn't do either of those, ditch him. No matter what happens, you will resent him for a long time, with/without counseling. Live your own life for YOU and YOUR BABY. Forget about the husband for awhile-cause he forgot about YOU. Be nice to him, and treat him as a friend-but no more. P.S. DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND! It's none of his concern anyway-for all you know, he's sleeping with your friend. There's really nothing I can say that would make you look any worse than what you just said. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky There's really nothing I can say that would make you look any worse than what you just said. i agree, Pocky. most of here at LS know not to take the advice from uberfrau, hillie... learn to ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 A native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said, "I feel as though I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one. The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather answered: "The one I feed." - Native American story Great signature line Moose. And pertinant to the thread too. Which wolf should she feed? Link to post Share on other sites
LynnStylesTN Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown if you don't know that you love your husband, that's problem number one. forget about the guy you're sleeping with, he's just a distraction from thinking about what you need to do. Perfect !!!!!!!!!!! Nothing to add here Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Your affair serves a number of functions. First, it adds spark and zest to your hum-drum life as a wife and new mother. Second, the OM's attention makes you feel attractive and desired, which, I understand, your husband did not when he mocked and humiliated you when you were pregnant with his child. Last, it's a form of pay back to a husband who was cruel and indifferent to you during much of your pregnancy. You remain angry at him for his abuse and cruelty during that very vulnerable time of your life. Your resentment is palpable. Your affair is, at least on the surface, rational behavior given what you've been through. I don't fault you for your sexual reaffirmation. Nothing heals a wounded ego like great sex. Digging just below this surface, however, lurks quicksand. You're early in the game: your OM treats you like a Queen, tells you your beautiful and makes you feel in ways your a-hole husband never did. Things are good--for now. As the affair matures into love, your OM will assume a larger and larger role in your life. Your husband, and father of your child, will ever diminish. Your affair will be discovered at work--if its not already. The affair will end, you will be heart broken and there will be this unbrigdeable abyss separating you from your husband.You'll end up a single parent--both emotionally and practically. I doubt your OM will want to raise another man's child. Have fun, now. Trust me, though: Things will end badly for everyone including your child. Your choice; your life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Digging just below this surface, however, lurks quicksand. You're early in the game: your OM treats you like a Queen, tells you your beautiful and makes you feel in ways your a-hole husband never did. Things are good--for now. As the affair matures into love, your OM will assume a larger and larger role in your life. Your husband, and father of your child, will ever diminish. Take away the sex, passion and sweet nothings of this OM. Ask yourself these questions... You're sick. IS he going to sit with you, hold you and/or hold your head over the can if you throw up? DO you know how he handles crisis? Childrens' illnesses? Is he supportive and really giving? IS he a nice guy? Caring, loving, unselfish and very honest? Will he love you for who you are - ALL of you, good and bad faults? (That is not a shot at you..We all have little things about ourselves that can be annoying to others...You know what I mean.)Is he a caring friend not only lover to you? Will he be there for you no matter what? DO you think your family/friends/kids will accept him and do you think his friends/family and kids if he has any will accept you? Think of all this and MORE before you decide anything. You are feeling good about yourself because of this guy. Can you picture your life with him? Leaving your husband? Do you know the hormones in your body are all out of whack?? Post Pardum depression - low spirit and unhappy thoughts...All normal...But going off with some other guy is just not right. Definately not fair to this 8 month old baby. I'm not sure what will happen, but I don't want to ruin my daughter's life, just because I'm not sure if I still love my husband. I don't feel guilty about cheating on him, and thats what worries me. YOU are ruining your daughters life. YOU have the choice. Think with your head on this one...Not the heart and not below. You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Obviously your husband's feelings are not at play here...So this is for your daughters sake. THIS MAN IS TAKING time away from HER. Look at it that way. Every time you are with this OM...HE is taking special time away from YOUR DAUGHTER. I am sorry to say this, but your 8 month baby daughter is a hell of alot important than this guy who isn't even her father. Link to post Share on other sites
portableversion Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 >>>You're sick. IS he going to sit with you, hold you and/or hold your head over the can if you throw up? DO you know how he handles crisis? Childrens' illnesses? Is he supportive and really giving? IS he a nice guy? Caring, loving, unselfish and very honest? Will he love you for who you are - ALL of you, good and bad faults? (That is not a shot at you..We all have little things about ourselves that can be annoying to others...You know what I mean.)Is he a caring friend not only lover to you? Will he be there for you no matter what? DO you think your family/friends/kids will accept him and do you think his friends/family and kids if he has any will accept you?<<< The question you've asked can also be asked of the husband. her husband threatend to sleep with her best friend while she was pregnant with his kid. Swell guy. ANd you loveshack hypocrites beat HER down for wanting to get away from him? Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Since when is an affair ever right? ..oh yeah... now I remember... According to "The Monogamy Myth" humanity is fooling itself into thinking that monogamy is normal... ...uberfrau... oi... Even without the basis of monogamy, when is lying ever right? Don't tell your husband, its none of his business? ...what the hell? Link to post Share on other sites
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