ZMM Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Because affairs are not 'regular' relationships with ex's. Affairs and exAP's are cancers to the MM/MW's marriage. Imagine if you were married and your spouse had an affair, you found out about it. Doubt very much you'd allow or want your spouse to continue a 'friendship' and see/talk to the exAP. Maybe a friendship can happen on the AP's side but not the married person's side. Totally disagree with everything you said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Totally disagree with everything you said. Ditto, ZMM................ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Totally disagree with everything you said. Including the part about how if you were a betrayed spouse and your husband or wife wanted to be friends with their affair partner after it was over? Then again I have heard that such bloodless creatures exist Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 They want to be "friends" so they can be allowed to use you and abuse you further. You're allowed to say NO! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I would also like to point out that most everyone else has slept with their AP. I have not. I didn't either but still would consider friendship a slippery slope. It took me a few months to be convinced of that. It seems to work for herself but they were friends for 13 years. I don't recall how many of those she considered the R an EA. What benefit do you feel you would derive from a friendship with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 I didn't either but still would consider friendship a slippery slope. It took me a few months to be convinced of that. It seems to work for herself but they were friends for 13 years. I don't recall how many of those she considered the R an EA. What benefit do you feel you would derive from a friendship with him? He's a good person to know and this is new. We weren't really friends before so I'll see how it goes. And who knows? Maybe he'll not be so interested in being my friend if I don't flirt anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Then again I have heard that such bloodless creatures exist Whatever makes you feel better notserene. That was not the part I was focusing on and since popsicle is a SOW and was not in a PA, I don't really think whichwayisup actually was addressing the question asked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 They want to be "friends" so they can be allowed to use you and abuse you further. You're allowed to say NO! I think she is the one thinking of requesting it be a friendship. I'm not sure though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) I think she is the one thinking of requesting it be a friendship. I'm not sure though. I doubt either of us will "request" it. It hasn't been said, per se. It's just being done and I'm following his lead. I don't see how I can be used and abused in a friendship. Edited April 21, 2014 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I doubt either of us will "request" it. It hasn't been said, per se. It's just being done and I'm following his lead. I don't see how I can be used and abused in a friendship. This is very infantile thinking. You said you are "allowing him" to take the lead - why? You are a grown woman - take your own lead! Any AP wanting to stay "friends" after the A - is just planning to use you one way or another. Staying involved is only agreeing to being used further. Why is that good enough? Be your own person and take the lead yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm not a MM, but I'll give you my two cents anyway... My guess would be that they ease their conscience by convincing themselves that there is nothing wrong with "being friends" and anything inappropriate was just a "slip" or pretending that it never happened at all.... This is my reason why I want to be just friends with my xMM. In a way we still act as lovers, just minus sex and we reduce xRated conversation and less sharing about problems at work. It is also still really hard for me to let him go...he's a good person and I want to maintain our friendship rather than our A. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunthar Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Any of the reasons mentioned could be it, including a simpler and less insidious explanation than some are speculating... i.e. he just loves you and wants you in whatever way you are agreeable to. "Not a bad thing" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Because men hang around to be "friends" in the hopes they will get some, or some more as the case may be... it's not that complicated ... and when a "friendship" doesn't provide or lead to some nookie, he'll distance himself. I have never had a desire to be friends with any ex gf, no matter how good we got along in the relationship and the only reason I'd have hung around after was on the off chance I'd get to "tap" it once more, other than that, no reason to be around. XMW and I were great friends before we crossed the line, there can never be a true, i.e., "real" friendship after because someone will always want more and it will end up blowing up once more. Just as a woman will keep a man in the "friendzone" to feed her ego by watching a man want her who she has no desire to give herself to, these are stupid games the sexes play. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Because men hang around to be "friends" in the hopes they will get some, or some more as the case may be... it's not that complicated ... and when a "friendship" doesn't provide or lead to some nookie, he'll distance himself. I have never had a desire to be friends with any ex gf, no matter how good we got along in the relationship and the only reason I'd have hung around after was on the off chance I'd get to "tap" it once more, other than that, no reason to be around. XMW and I were great friends before we crossed the line, there can never be a true, i.e., "real" friendship after because someone will always want more and it will end up blowing up once more. Just as a woman will keep a man in the "friendzone" to feed her ego by watching a man want her who she has no desire to give herself to, these are stupid games the sexes play. Okay, were you involved with your girlfriends only for the sex? Or is it a "If I can't have you, the way I want you... I don't need you" type situation? I get your points but sounds like you never took the time to know ur X's if you can easily say "I don't want to be friends because I can't TAP that anymore". I can understand an XMM saying this but not an X per say. I just think guys who think this way are "Users/controlling" in a way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 This is very infantile thinking. You said you are "allowing him" to take the lead - why? You are a grown woman - take your own lead! Any AP wanting to stay "friends" after the A - is just planning to use you one way or another. Staying involved is only agreeing to being used further. Why is that good enough? Be your own person and take the lead yourself. Excuse me? Infantile thinking? I suggest you don't come in my thread insulting me when you don't even know me. But, to answer your question, if I took the lead I would do the same thing he is (which is be friends). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Because men hang around to be "friends" in the hopes they will get some, or some more as the case may be... it's not that complicated ... and when a "friendship" doesn't provide or lead to some nookie, he'll distance himself. I have never had a desire to be friends with any ex gf, no matter how good we got along in the relationship and the only reason I'd have hung around after was on the off chance I'd get to "tap" it once more, other than that, no reason to be around. XMW and I were great friends before we crossed the line, there can never be a true, i.e., "real" friendship after because someone will always want more and it will end up blowing up once more. Just as a woman will keep a man in the "friendzone" to feed her ego by watching a man want her who she has no desire to give herself to, these are stupid games the sexes play. I wish I could say this was the case for my OM but he doesn't want "some". He would have gotten already from me if he did. Not all men are alike. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I have never had a desire to be friends with any ex gf, no matter how good we got along in the relationship and the only reason I'd have hung around after was on the off chance I'd get to "tap" it once more, other than that, no reason to be around. Not all of us are SUPER STUDS. Some of us men actually like the women we sleep with and like them as people, not just something to 'TAP'. But I do understand where you are coming from. I too might have felt that way before, years ago, maybe about a ONS, but never with a woman I actually was involved with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Excuse me? Infantile thinking? I suggest you don't come in my thread insulting me when you don't even know me. But, to answer your question, if I took the lead I would do the same thing he is (which is be friends). I agree with you Popsicle, I hardly think wanting to have a friendship with someone is infantile thinking. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Any of the reasons mentioned could be it, including a simpler and less insidious explanation than some are speculating... i.e. he just loves you and wants you in whatever way you are agreeable to. "Not a bad thing" Aww that's very sweet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Not all of us are SUPER STUDS. Some of us men actually like the women we sleep wi th and like them as people, not just something to 'TAP'. But I do understand where you are coming from. I too might have felt that way before, years ago, maybe about a ONS, but never with a woman I actually was involved with. Oh how I.Wish I was a super stud, alas I am not. I.maintain that a friendship with an affair partner or someone who one was deeply in love with simply cannot work. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Oh how I.Wish I was a super stud, alas I am not. I.maintain that a friendship with an affair partner or someone who one was deeply in love with simply cannot work. For you that may be true, but for others it may not. I know from personal experience that what you say simply is not true in all cases. I have a former fiance who I have maintained a friendship with for over 30 years. It wasn't always smooth sailing, but it was mostly. It took a little effort on both our parts - but the long term friendship is definitely worth the effort. I have other examples as well. Edited April 22, 2014 by ZMM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Oh how I.Wish I was a super stud, alas I am not. I.maintain that a friendship with an affair partner or someone who one was deeply in love with simply cannot work. Well why not just say "I don't maintain friendships with X's because it simply wouldn't work out", rather the saying " I don't maintain friendships with X's because I can't sex them anymore"? I gaureente you'll sound less jaded and bitter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Because men hang around to be "friends" in the hopes they will get some, or some more as the case may be... it's not that complicated ... and when a "friendship" doesn't provide or lead to some nookie, he'll distance himself. I have never had a desire to be friends with any ex gf, no matter how good we got along in the relationship and the only reason I'd have hung around after was on the off chance I'd get to "tap" it once more, other than that, no reason to be around. XMW and I were great friends before we crossed the line, there can never be a true, i.e., "real" friendship after because someone will always want more and it will end up blowing up once more. Just as a woman will keep a man in the "friendzone" to feed her ego by watching a man want her who she has no desire to give herself to, these are stupid games the sexes play. I agree with this. But I also agree with Gunthars pov. Any of the reasons mentioned could be it, including a simpler and less insidious explanation than some are speculating... i.e. he just loves you and wants you in whatever way you are agreeable to. "Not a bad thing" I guess half of me anticipates my MM j is just in it for sex, that why I told him no sex this time. We were LC 5 weeks ago and a week after we started resuming our A, but no sex. We resumed because he said he missed me as a lover and that it was more than just physical attraction thingy between us. So I said ok let's do sexless A. But half of me would like to know, is he really here for the facts he wants me and loves me despite no sex. As I'm a single ow...so he doubts I'd last with my own rule. It's been almost 5 months now since my last time, and it was with him. So... Let's see I know it seems impossible...but having mild A like this is not a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueBobby Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Some of the responses here are such bull. It's pretty simple for the majority of people I'm guessing and that's there was probably a friendship before the affair? It's natural to want to keep a person you care about around People mistake love for friendship all the time and the other way around. It's not always about making some big plan to corrupt the woman more to want to stay friendly. Being friends and being just friendly is not the same but I think it makes sense to want to be friends with your exes, affair or not. You kept them around for a reason. Unless it ended bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueBobby Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Me personally, I just want her in my life in any way she will be. It's not about how much or if we have sex it's just that the chance is there and that I get to see and be around her too. I genuinely love being around her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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