Separation

[Livinginthepast]

Hi Everyone !

 

I wanted to share my story with you to get some insight on how to proceed.

 

My husband and I were very good friends for about 3.5 yrs. He started to flirt and hint that he like me as more than friends but, I was never physically attracted to him. I denied his requests until one day I said " You're not vain, he's a great friend and person... give him a shot". I then said yes to him and he immediately became my boyfriend.

 

We started having difficulties about 4months after our relationship started. He is very stubborn so, the fact that I would share my opinions bothered him. We were hardly ever alone as he always had his friends hanging out with us and that really bothered me because I was seeking alone time with him. He is also a VERY private man and I'm an open book. He doesn't like ppl snooping in his business. I never quite understood why he was so protective with his cellphone, etc.. As I was always lending him mine and was very open with him.

 

Even-though we had many arguments throughout this time because of these issues we still married (by court). He never got on one knee and proposed he just said "hey I think its time we marry at least by court" So, I said yes. Notice, he's not the romantic type.. he's the techie guy type. Even when the relationship was full of disrespect because he can't seem to speak without insulting and cussing. i soon started to turn just like him. i started to treat him the way he treated me.

 

We didn't treat each other this way everyday or for everything but, when we argued it was bad. I was ALWAYS to blame for everything that happened and it wasn't fair to me. He is my total opposite.. i'm affectionate and he's not.. I love a passionate kiss and he does not. Between our stressful lives at home and at work we would hardly have intimate moments and I'd bring it up and immediately he would get angry for me bringing it up. I tried to talk about the issues but when i did he'd get mad and lash out. The arguments started escalating until one day i lost my marbles and turned into the HULK ! I told him off and threw him out of the house.

 

He had the last straw... he left. It took be about 3 days to really see he wasn't coming back as he came while i was not home and picked up all of his stuff. We have been married for 2 yrs. He was my first long term relationship, my first sexual/intimate experience and marriage (24yrs old!!!!). I loved him and still do and I have been going to a therapist where I have seen where I made mistakes. We have been separated for the past month and 1 week and I called, begged, cried, texted him, emailed him... at times he would ignore me but then he would reply angrily saying VERY HURTFUL things to me.

 

He told me he didn't want me back in his life, that I was free to do as I pleased. That in the past month I did not change and that I'm still impulsive. That he loves himself and he doesn't want to go crazy. What he doesn't realize is that he has never apologized for anything that he has ever done or said to me in the course of a 4 yr relationship. He has always been extremely prideful, resentful and non apologetic. I have carried the burden ... its not fair for him to push me away and to make it look like he doesn't want me in his life , as if he didn't love me. But, he's a great friend.. he helps everyone in need, he'd take care of me when I was sick, he helped me financially, he wasn't as bad as I once thought in my mind...

 

I know i had ALOT to do with the downfall of our marriage but, I apologize.. I forgive and I move one because of the love i have for him. I love him very much and i am very devastated. I have officially deleted his phone number and yrs of text messages from my cell thanks to my therapist. Its been about 5 days that I have not contacted him. He hasn't filed for divorce and does not want to speak to me because he states he's not ready to speak to me at this time. I asked him if he was just going to divorce me but, he wouldn't say yes or no.. he would say " this is not going to work out , so just leave me alone". I don't know what to do, think or say anymore.

 

I'm in the process of advancing in my job.. i'm going to the gym and trying to better myself but, his image.. his good and his bad follow my every thought. I love him and I just don't know whats going to happen anymore. I need some serious advice..

 

Know that this situation is more complex.. that we both did good and bad but, there was no cheating. Thank you all for reading my novel lol and for sharing your thoughts.

Edited April 19, 2014 by Livinginthepast

[oldshirt]

I know your situation is more complex and there is a lot more going on that what you are able to write in a handful of paragraphs but since you asked for our thoughts, my thoughts are these -

 

 

- you were never actually attracted to him in the early phases of your relationship. you basically went through the motions of becoming involved with him because he initiated it and you followed him into to it.

 

 

- you two were of very different personalities with differing values and relationship goals and what you wanted out of the relationship.

 

 

- you mirrored the parts of his personality that you found undesirable.

 

 

- both of you had poor conflict resolution skills and rather than trying to resolve conflict in a healthy manner, you each tried to "win" by inflicting the most pain on the other.

 

 

- both of you have questionable interpersonal relationship experience and skills.

 

 

 

 

which leads to....

 

 

- you both probably felt that this was your one chance at love and marriage and that you should take the bird in the hand rather than risking not taking it and finding someone that was more compatible for you.

 

 

and..

 

 

- you know feel that your chance at love is blown and that you will not be able to find anyone else. (a totally false and inaccurate assumption BTW)

 

 

I also think....

 

 

- he is serious and he is in the process of disengaging and moving on.

 

 

But I also think....

 

 

- you are doing some positive steps in that direction too, even though it is still a painful process.

 

 

- There is no mention of minor children here.

 

 

 

 

So add all of this up and my nonprofessional conclusion as just some guy that is 50 years old and has seen many relationships and marriages come and go over the years is ---------

 

 

----Nature is taking it's course here. Things are reaching their inevitable conclusion. This wasn't right from the beginning and things have gotten worse and while it will be painful to dissolve, the net amount of pain and damage to each of you will be far far less by ending this relationship and moving on, than what it will be if you try to continue it.

 

 

There is always an amount of uncertainty in the future. You don't know exactly what your future has in store for you. But you are guaranteed of pain and unhealthy conflict and torment if you stay.

 

 

If this marriage dissolves, each and every new day can hold potential for new happiness. There will be some sad and lonely days thrown in here and there but each new day may bring hope and possibly happiness and contentment. If you stay, you are guaranteed of not achieving those things.

[Livinginthepast]

Thank you so much for your observant and honest reply, it left me in tears. I agree with many of the things you pointed out....

 

Although I was not initially attracted to him physically we did share many things in common. I later fell deeply in love with him and despite me not having the initial physical attraction, I never saw that as an obstacle and never even thought about it again.

 

Its funny you mention that him and I both have no interpersonal relationship experience and skills because HE would always tell me that! When I knew that he was on the same boat I was in.

 

He is a great husband on many levels but the communication just wasnt there.. I didnt feel I could talk to him and he felt he could talk to me.

 

He's a techie so, his life including his job revolves around electronics meaning, that as soon as he gets home he'd sit on the couch and go online , watch netflix, or play video games. I felt deprived of affection.. and when I mentioned it he would say I was always complaining and that I was negative.

 

I told him we should go to marriage counseling but, he doesnt want to. i'm truly trying to fix myself from the inside out.

 

This has been the most painful experience I've ever been through thus far. I said so many things I'd like to take back that I've apologized for. I said them because I felt cornered when I would try to speak to him.. he would say " Stop acting like a bitch" "Why do you always have to talk so much ****" and when i would reprimand him for this he would say that I'm too sensitive and that I am unfit to face life!

 

I know he's had a rough childhood and this is why I wanted him to seek help with a therapist like I am doing because its helped me identify my weaknesses. It takes so much to lose pride and seek help.. to be humble and to apologize.

 

I really hope he wants to fix our marriage. I just cant seem to accept that he is acting like he doesnt love me. My mother-in-law called me and told me that he loves me but that her son is resentful and needs time to get over things because he's prideful.. that he needs time without me contacting him so that he can reflect.

 

I'm so devastated because I want to make this work. I dont know where I stand at the moment because he doesnt communicate at all with me. He hasnt filed for divorce.. its like I'm in limbo.

 

The funny thing is that he acts like he was the only one that was hurt, that got insulted, that was mistreated... I know that I was the one to finally conclude the relationship by throwing him out of the house but I reached my breaking point.. I warned him but, if there is LOVE like the love I have for him wouldnt he be able to find it in his heart to forgive, seek help and try ?

 

Is this truly the end? It wasnt always bad... I just want to go back in time.. give him one last hug and kiss.. sighs. Only God knows what will happen .. and the pain I feel deep inside and I'm wondering if he feels the same.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Livinginthepast

[oldshirt]

I'm surprised more people haven't chimed in on this, but anyway I just wanted to respond to a few of your comments....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was not initially attracted to him physically we did share many things in common. I later fell deeply in love with him and despite me not having the initial physical attraction, I never saw that as an obstacle and never even thought about it again.

 

 

You may not have thought it was an obstacle or thought much of it, but depending on how that played out, it may have had a big impact on him. Women are often able to live without a physical attraction and are able to carry on a relationship on more of a platonic and friendship level, men on the other hand have a lot more trouble feeling a deep connection and reverence for their wife if their wife does not have a physical/sexual/romantic attraction and chemistry with them. Your husband's lack of respect and compassion for you makes me wonder if this could be a component.

....and as a sidebar to that, have you done due diligence in looking into if there is someone else or some other sexual outlet for him such as an EA or a PA or porn etc etc? Have you gone through his phone, email, facebook, computers etc to see if there is someone else or if he is spanking to porn every day?

 

 

Its funny you mention that him and I both have no interpersonal relationship experience and skills because HE would always tell me that! When I knew that he was on the same boat I was in.

 

 

If he doesn't have good interpersonal or good conflict resolution skills, he's not going to be able to address your lack of interpersonal and conflict resolution skills tactfully or effectively.

 

He is a great husband on many levels but the communication just wasnt there.. I didnt feel I could talk to him and he felt he could talk to me.

 

 

That's like saying it was a great car on many level but the engine didn't run well and the steering wheel didn't work.

 

He's a techie so, his life including his job revolves around electronics meaning, that as soon as he gets home he'd sit on the couch and go online , watch netflix, or play video games. I felt deprived of affection.. and when I mentioned it he would say I was always complaining and that I was negative.

 

 

 

 

This is what I'm talking about when I say that you each want different things out of your relationship.

 

I told him we should go to marriage counseling but, he doesnt want to. i'm truly trying to fix myself from the inside out.

 

 

It takes two people to make a relationship work, and only one to make it go down the drain. If he's not willing to work on it and compromise and sacrifice and meet you part way, all your efforts will be in vain no matter how hard you work or how much you sacrifice and compromise on your own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know he's had a rough childhood and this is why I wanted him to seek help with a therapist like I am doing because its helped me identify my weaknesses. It takes so much to lose pride and seek help.. to be humble and to apologize.

 

 

in order for someone to under go the time, effort and expense of counseling and are willing to have a professional critique their behavior and challenge their beliefs, they have to actually WANT the relationship to work and to improve. Any time someone refuses to go to counseling, you know where they stand on the relationship.

 

I really hope he wants to fix our marriage.

 

 

Hope doesn't fix marriages. only actions do. If he's not taking any positive actions, it ain't gonna happen.

 

 

 

 

I just cant seem to accept that he is acting like he doesnt love me.

 

 

Granted we're only getting your side of this, but he kind of sounds like an ass. There is probably a part of him that does love you to a degree...but he's still acting like an ass. Our feelings do not define us, our actions do. and he's acting like an ass.

 

 

My mother-in-law called me and told me that he loves me but that her son is resentful and needs time to get over things because he's prideful.. that he needs time without me contacting him so that he can reflect.

 

 

That's Mommy saying to leave her little boy alone and to sit quietly on the shelf and put your own life on hold while he has his little tantrums and juvenile behavior.

 

I'm so devastated because I want to make this work.

 

 

You are powerless to make it work by yourself. All relationships take two people to make work. As I said earlier, he has to meet you halfway and if he doesn't lift a finger, it doesn't matter how hard you work.

 

 

 

 

I dont know where I stand at the moment because he doesnt communicate at all with me. He hasnt filed for divorce.. its like I'm in limbo.

 

 

When you wake up and realize that this relationship is probably dead, you'll take the bull by the horns for your own life and you'll file on him yourself. Limbo is a terrible place to be. You can only tolerate that for so long until you take your own action to move on with your own life and get yourself out of limbo.

 

 

 

 

The funny thing is that he acts like he was the only one that was hurt, that got insulted, that was mistreated...

 

 

That's called immaturity and self-centeredness.

 

 

 

 

I know that I was the one to finally conclude the relationship by throwing him out of the house but I reached my breaking point..

 

 

Understandable.

 

 

 

 

I warned him but, if there is LOVE like the love I have for him wouldnt he be able to find it in his heart to forgive, seek help and try ?

 

 

You can't measure his love by your love. Stop doing that. Stop trying to guage his feelings by your feelings. You have to judge him based on his actions, not your feelings or your hopes or your wishes. Judge him by his actions. What are his actions telling you??????

 

Is this truly the end?

 

 

 

 

End is as End does.

 

 

It wasnt always bad..

 

 

If it was, I would certainly hope you wouldn't have gotten involved with him and wouldn't have married him.

 

 

. I just want to go back in time.

 

 

We can only affect and influence our futures, not change our pasts.

 

 

. give him one last hug and kiss.. sighs. Only God knows what will happen .. and the pain I feel deep inside and I'm wondering if he feels the same

 

 

 

 

Stop wondering about his feelings and focus on his actions. If his actions are what you are wanting him to do and are moving in a positive direction for you, then that warrants working on things and giving things time and effort to improve. If his actions aren't going in that direction, then you know where you stand regardless of what his feelings are at that particular moment.

Stop putting so much emphasis on his feelings.

 

 

.

[beach]

I'd like to ask you - why would you love a man who doesn't express love to you the way you need it? And why are you still thinking kindly of a man that yells and rages at you when you disagree?

 

 

I think you're better off having him out of your life.

 

Get counseling to help you never choose his type next time around - because odds are, without growing and learning about yourself, you're likely to choose the same type next time.

[Livinginthepast]

Thanks again for the detailed eye opening questions and advice.

 

He believes in privacy and that no one should infringe it. That a relationship is based on trust and that one does not need to invade privacy because "that is not trust". So, I don't look at his phone, email, computers or electronic devices. This happened once when we were dating and he dumped me... I checked his email and I confessed because I had guilt (stupid me..). He's a tech guy so, if he really wants to screw me over he can & I probably would never find out.

 

In reference to me moving on, I'm slowly getting there. Some days are good others not.. I have a tiny star of hope that with NC (been 8 days thus far, although I had to FWD and email him briefly about an at&t internet account I will be acquiring responsibility for) he will start to realize all of the wrongs he has in all of this and that he needs help. For the first 5 weeks I did not stop calling him , texting him, crying, begging.. I gave him no time to reflect, no time to miss me, no time to think of the good. Some of the times I called and text I'd tell him harsh things.. other times I told him that I loved him and to reconsider and not to leave.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD by my therapist which I know for certain has had a definite impact on the relationship. Despite the BPD I know i'm a good hearted person that has given all that i've had to him. I know that all relationships have ups and downs, and the only way to make it through is to work together as a team to combat the issues.

 

I also have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which causes weight gain (and its VERY difficult to lose it), excess hair where women shouldn't have any, depression, anxiety etc.. I know that all of these negative health issues have impacted our intimacy and his attraction towards me as well. Unfortunately, since I was emotionally in a dark cloud I didn't take care of my appearance anymore.

 

I've gotten physical with him before which is a big NO NO. I felt like a cornered wild animal.. I would ask him to let me be and leave me alone when I would get into arguments with him but, he wouldn't... he'd get closer and closer and start. I'd try to leave at times and he'd stand in front of the door not allowing me to. I know he tried to diffuse situations many times but, he doesn't have a lot of patience so, after 5-10 min he'd give up and start arguing.

 

I admit to my mistakes and I regret them. I've apologized to him for them and I'm taking steps to changing and controlling my emotions and actions with my therapist. This is what i've been trying to convey to him but, he's the type of person that the more you want to speak to him the more he pulls away the more he inflicts pain and insults. He seems very to himself regarding his feelings.

 

I know he said it was over, that he doesn't want me back in his life but, I haven't even given him time to breathe, and time to reflect (Maybe I'm in Denial). This obviously is my little star of hope speaking. I am ready for him to say "We're going to court and getting divorced" but, I also have hope that without me "harassing" him all the time will realize many things about himself, me and my change and our relationship.

 

I know that if we get back together we run a high chance of living in misery but, I also know that if he wants to change he can. I'm willing to help him through this if he wants to. If he doesn't, well then.. it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I wanted to share what I have because this will give you a sight of both sides of the spectrum. I don't like for ppl to give me advice when there is only a one-sided story.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Livinginthepast

[Livinginthepast]

I'd like to ask you - why would you love a man who doesn't express love to you the way you need it? And why are you still thinking kindly of a man that yells and rages at you when you disagree?

 

 

I think you're better off having him out of your life.

 

Get counseling to help you never choose his type next time around - because odds are, without growing and learning about yourself, you're likely to choose the same type next time.

 

It wasn't always this way. He has a good heart, he was loving, and kind. As the problems started thats when things started to change. The last few months things boiled over because him and I were working like animals , stressed to the max and anything and everything would make us burst.

 

I know he needs a therapist because I know for a fact that he needs someone to speak to because he holds things in too much. To be fair, I also yelled and raged .. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, it just means I need my therapy, exercise etc to keep me in check. This is why I haven't given up on him because I know deep inside he does love me, I know deep inside he has a good heart that has been tarnished..

 

I'm not excusing him but I forgave him for what he's said and done because I don't want to live bitter like him. I took that load off my back. We'll see what happens but, in the end if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Livinginthepast