Any 25 to 35 year old guys with social anxiety around women?

[hawaiinlp]

I'm wondering if there are any 25 to 35 year old guys with social anxiety around women?

 

My anxiety around women used to be really really bad, especially in a social setting. Its actually gotten better. I'm just curious if there are any other guys around my age group that deal with social anxiety / anxiety around women?

[M30USA]

I don't get anxious around women. But I do have problems feeling adequate enough to be in a relationship. I tend to avoid women for this reason. This isn't a huge deal, though, because I'm pretty content and I enjoy my life as is.

[ltjg45]

I don't get anxious around women. But I do have problems feeling adequate enough to be in a relationship. I tend to avoid women for this reason. This isn't a huge deal, though, because I'm pretty content and I enjoy my life as is.

 

This is basically me except that I don't approach women because I hardly find any to be physically attractive. Even when I do see one I like, her attitude tend to turn me off cold.

[Marks]

I'm wondering if there are any 25 to 35 year old guys with social anxiety around women?

 

My anxiety around women used to be really really bad, especially in a social setting. Its actually gotten better. I'm just curious if there are any other guys around my age group that deal with social anxiety / anxiety around women?

 

Yes. At 26 I'm a bit better now than I used to be with respect to talking to a girl on a first date, but it's still something that prevents me from chatting up a girl I find attractive in real life. There have been so many girls that I've wanted to approach just in the past few months...but I never did because of my anxiety. So many missed opportunities...

 

It's horrible...I just don't know how to qualm the feeling. The worst is how my heart starts pounding just in anticipation of approaching a girl I find attractive. I mean, I logically know that feeling anxious about it is silly, because the worst that she could do when I approach is her saying "f*** off", but the fear is so ingrained in me that my body just immediately dives into flight or fight mode

[MissionPossible]

Hi guys,

 

I'm on the other side of this equation - maybe you can enlighten me a bit. I was in the very beginning stages of dating someone with pretty severe anxiety, the first time we were supposed to hang he went silent the day of. Later he told me he's trying so hard not to "do anything wrong" that he just panicked and his anxiety got the best of him. He constantly told me he was insecure and "under qualified" to date me. I am further in my career than he is, but he's younger so I figure it doesn't matter. Anyway, we've seen each other a few times, which were amazing, but he's last-minute freaked out an equal number of times and not showed up. Told me he was falling in love with me and it scared him to death, and has now gone completely silent. The last text I sent him was asking if all this had to do with his anxiety, he said it was and that he's too hard to deal with.

 

BUT - I really like him. I feel like if I could get past this wall of anxiety that we could be amazing together - he is a wonderfully sweet guy with a good heart. But how do I do that? Should I just forget it? It's bothering me to no end.

[scooby-philly]

@hawaiinlp

 

I am 32 and can relate very much. I was born to a very shame-based family. My mother has an elementary school education and was a drug addict. My father was an alcoholic (sober 30+ years) and both were co-dependent as was my paternal grandmother who grew up in the house with me. I was born with a birth defect and was conscious about my looks after receiving insane amounts of teasing in grade school and high school. I was also conscoius about my body having a family that thought 1920 had never ended and that everyone proved their lower-middle class status by having a big dinner full of meat, carbs, etc every night and no real form of exercise. SUffice to say as a college student and young adult I was a train wreck. I am still in recovery - so to speak - learning I can be myself, learning to take care of myself, and learning that I can learn anything I want to or need to ad that I have the start of a successful career and will be okay. but the anxiety is still there - I'm anxious about being made fun of or "shamed" - and even when it's a good friend or a buddy at work - I still get very self-conscious about things - my looks, my money, almost anything. It only gets better, at least in my experience, by going out there into the world, trying, (possibly failing), and being able to find a non-shaming support network - friends, mentors, etc. I did several months at an 12 step group, psychiatrist, and spiritual director and continue to read a lot and am going back to daily meditation to continue to form new synapses and have thought about getting some more counseling to deal with the more long term affects - i.e. dealing with how to know when what I'm thinking/feeling is true and if so what to do about it. So yes, anxiety is still there.

 

@Missionimpossible

 

You can't worry about what he will do. You can tell him how much you appreciate him/like him and you can compliment himwhen he looks good, does something nice, etc. and apologize if you sense he's taken something you've said the wrong way. I can relate to that mentality of "not wanting to do anything wrong". That's an issue for lots of guys for lots of different reasons - controlling parents or the exact opposite- too "loose" parenting. It can come from having an identity wrapped around 1 thing - "I'm smart" or "I'm popular" or "I'm rich" and then having it destroyed or worrying about it being destroyed. Or it can come from fear of never being something - able to take care of yourself - having money - having a decent job, etc. The issue is, if you are still with him, is to just support him and listen and compliment and apologize (and hold him accountable too) and to learn what the triggers are and if you really care for him - pointing out when his fears or perceptoins turn out to be false.

[littleplanet]

Hi guys,

 

I'm on the other side of this equation - maybe you can enlighten me a bit. I was in the very beginning stages of dating someone with pretty severe anxiety, the first time we were supposed to hang he went silent the day of. Later he told me he's trying so hard not to "do anything wrong" that he just panicked and his anxiety got the best of him. He constantly told me he was insecure and "under qualified" to date me. I am further in my career than he is, but he's younger so I figure it doesn't matter. Anyway, we've seen each other a few times, which were amazing, but he's last-minute freaked out an equal number of times and not showed up. Told me he was falling in love with me and it scared him to death, and has now gone completely silent. The last text I sent him was asking if all this had to do with his anxiety, he said it was and that he's too hard to deal with.

 

BUT - I really like him. I feel like if I could get past this wall of anxiety that we could be amazing together - he is a wonderfully sweet guy with a good heart. But how do I do that? Should I just forget it? It's bothering me to no end.

 

 

 

Hmmm. Mid-twenties crisis. I remember.

I also remember that women were far more fascinating, than terrifying.

Is there some kind of 'natural' insecurity that kicks in?

Is there a greater requirement to be 'correct' these days?

And if so.......why?

 

Is the reason for this, starting down that rocky road to romance, later in life? Now, mid-twenties aren't exactly old....

but they are old to someone starting at 16.

Dispensing with visions of puppy love - it makes a difference if you got out of the gate early enough to earn a few stripes - young enough to get a grip by the time you're old enough to do some serious business.

 

Funny thing though - where does a guy get confidence from in the first place? From a girl who likes him. Even better if she likes him for the right reasons.....for himself. That's a big plus. The confidence level can soar a mile high with a bit of that under the belt.

 

You can't really 'give' someone confidence, though. You can only do the things you do to make them feel more that way. The rest is up to them.

 

I'll probably date myself here - but I'm still in big favor of real-time exposure. Sometimes I think these technological marvels just get in the way of face-to-face confrontation. That's where you really work it. Little characters on a screen are lame, compared to what you've got to work with in person. An uplifted eyebrow. A pouted pair of lips.

They're watching you......not a movie. They're reading your personal language.....not words typed.

 

But still - you start when you start. Same rules apply. That hasn't really ever changed.....as 'modern' as we like to think we are.

Anxiety attacks aside - it always did require a little bit of courage to hand in a resume and hope you passed muster.

 

If it's really worth the effort - all you can do is your best.

The rest is up to him.

Good luck!