Lazy partner?

[Quietcalamity]

I've been with my fiancé for 7 years, and for the last 3 we have been officially cohabitating (when I was in college I would stay with him during the summer and during breaks, but for the most of those years I was in a dorm). Our problems started when he got his first steady job. He was miserable. He developed all sorts of terrible coping mechanisms like staying up all night playing video games and gambling. When he wasn't blowing his money on shady internet slot machine games, he spent it in seriously irresponsible ways. I went with him to buy a car and he went WAY out of his price range on a car that would later be repossessed. His credit card debt went through the roof and he lost his job because he quit going (he exaggerated an illness as his for real excuse).

 

During this time he was also just a completely unsupportive partner. I had my own issues (death of a loved one & other family problems) and he was decidedly not there for me. I still tried to be supportive of him because I was concerned that he was depressed and needed help, but he shut me out completely. So about a year and a half ago I broke up with him.

 

It only lasted a couple days. He promised to get his **** together and actually sort of did. He seemed to go back to his old self - the loving, witty, spontaneous guy I fell in love with - and he got a part time job that was supposed to develop into full time.

 

But it hasn't. We agreed that he should start looking for full time work, but he has barely made an effort. A family friend offered to get him in working a VERY high paying job. It would be hard physical labor a plane ride away, but it's not actually all that different from the job he had when we first started dating. We talked about it and did the math together. If he just worked for two years there, our financial problems would be all straightened out, and I'd be done with grad school so I could take over paying the bills. But now he doesn't want to do it. Every time I bring it up he tells me, "You're just trying to get rid of me!" Because he thinks I want to spend all my time with friends (which is not true and something we have been over a lot. He gets jealous easily).

 

Meanwhile I'm working harder than ever at school and we have very little money for necessities. It's very stressful. When I come home from a 10-12h day and all he has done all day is sleep and play video games, it's hard not to be resentful. I really try not to nag him, but I don't know what to do. I love him deeply, but I just don't know if I can handle his attitude towards life. Is he just lazy? Is there anything I can do?

[Gaeta]

Wow! I am speechless. He is one sorry lazy @ss. You have no future with this man, all he will do is drag you down. He was fun and lovable before life happened but since he's suppose to be an adult man he's failed royally.

 

What you can do? ...Move out and give him back his engagement ring. Maybe that will shake him into some reality.

 

Why do you endure this? That's not a man. That's an out of control teenager.

[Lady2163]

From what you've said on here, it sounds like he is self-centered to the point of almost narcissism.

 

My exhusband was EXTREMELY lazy, but this was before video games. He would literally watch the history channel for 14 straight hours. They used to run the exact same shows. One night I caught him watching something like modern marvels...the history salt. It hit me this was his third time watching the history of salt....

 

Eventually our money problems got a lot worse. He did get a job, and even though they had full time hours available, he'd only work 24 or 30 hours a week. I'd beg him to work an extra shift on the weekends and he'd tell me they didn't need him. Then he was taking advances on his paycheck. The money situation just continued to nosedive.

 

I guess I'm telling you this, because until he is really ready to grow up and contribute to the relationship, he will be prefectly content to let you be the breadwinner and support him.

 

My suggestion is to step back....and tell him you want to remain a couple, BUT you don't want to live together and you want to push the wedding back. Explain to him that you want him to have some job security before you get married.

 

If that is what you want. Don't reward his childish behavior.

[Quietcalamity]

He really is my rock in terms of emotional support. I have an anxiety disorder that makes me really difficult to be with sometimes. He has what I'd call a "Type B" personality and sometimes I'm so grateful because he balances me out. It's mostly the way he blames his problems in the world and looks for temporary escapes instead if solutions that I can't stand. I don't know if it's new or if I just never noticed before. I really don't understand why he wouldn't take a job that would solve basically all of our problems just because it would be hard for a few years.

[Quietcalamity]

From what you've said on here, it sounds like he is self-centered to the point of almost narcissism.

 

My exhusband was EXTREMELY lazy, but this was before video games. He would literally watch the history channel for 14 straight hours. They used to run the exact same shows. One night I caught him watching something like modern marvels...the history salt. It hit me this was his third time watching the history of salt....

 

Eventually our money problems got a lot worse. He did get a job, and even though they had full time hours available, he'd only work 24 or 30 hours a week. I'd beg him to work an extra shift on the weekends and he'd tell me they didn't need him. Then he was taking advances on his paycheck. The money situation just continued to nosedive.

 

I guess I'm telling you this, because until he is really ready to grow up and contribute to the relationship, he will be prefectly content to let you be the breadwinner and support him.

 

My suggestion is to step back....and tell him you want to remain a couple, BUT you don't want to live together and you want to push the wedding back. Explain to him that you want him to have some job security before you get married.

 

If that is what you want. Don't reward his childish behavior.

 

I guess I can really relate to your story. Right now he's obsessed with Minecraft... Which is essentially PRETEND WORK. And I can see him having a job like your ex's and complaining about how he *can't* take an extra shift because whatever it is, it's too demanding.

 

Actually the reason we can't get married is because he doesn't work full time or have health insurance. I can barely afford my meds WITH my parent's insurance so I definitely can't afford to lose it by getting married.

 

Sometimes I wish I could move back in with my parents (even though they are abusive) just for the financial security. The main reason I can't is because they live far away from my school. I can only make enough to cover gas, my meds and a few toiletries for myself, so I don't feel like I have anything to take away from him.

[ls819]

If you're working sooo hard why would you stay with someone who has no motivation and no desire to be responsible for his own life? You're not going to grad school so you can take care of both you and him for the rest of your lives are you? It's sad he's like that but you really need to think about yourself and your future... you may love him but its not right what he's doing to himself and you're relationship. He is only going to drag you down...and is only going to be more difficult when you are married with him.

[beach]

He really is my rock in terms of emotional support. I have an anxiety disorder that makes me really difficult to be with sometimes. He has what I'd call a "Type B" personality and sometimes I'm so grateful because he balances me out. It's mostly the way he blames his problems in the world and looks for temporary escapes instead if solutions that I can't stand. I don't know if it's new or if I just never noticed before. I really don't understand why he wouldn't take a job that would solve basically all of our problems just because it would be hard for a few years.

 

You know at the core - he's lazy, inconsiderate and unreasonable.

 

He's a child! ...or, at least - he acts like one.

 

Staying with him won't make it better - in fact, expect that it will get worse.

 

 

You can carry the load for both of you and continue to resent him OR you can go it on your own knowing you've let go of a ton of weight that drags you and life goals down.

 

A partner that doesn't PARTNER makes for a long and miserable existence.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, this is a problem of perception -his problem. Sounds like he avoids anxiety, is not a bad guy, just doesn't have much initiative.

 

Best thing for someone like that is to be placed in a situation such that they must react. You did this when you left him but you didn't stick to it and neither has he.

 

Why doesn't he take the job. Does he otherwise think that he will mooch along forever, never getting his career off the ground? Maybe he has other plans, more likely he's just not thinking about it. This resistance to change is understandable, to hard work too. If he wants the kind of life that isn't worth making sacrifices for, then maybe you do need to part ways.

 

It's a matter of perception: he needs to see that the job would build a future for you - and that being stuck in neutral gear, won't.

 

Best of luck , OP

[TaraMaiden]

He really is my rock in terms of emotional support.

Total Bovine Scatology. You clearly indicate in your first post that when you needed him, he was definitely NOT there for you.

 

I have an anxiety disorder that makes me really difficult to be with sometimes.

Ever considered that his behaviour and attitude is actually making it worse? his complete reluctance to do anything; his total denial of needing to work; his turning the problem onto YOUR shoulders with his accusations - sounds pretty stressful to me, too...

 

He has what I'd call a "Type B" personality and sometimes I'm so grateful because he balances me out.

Commendable. if he were like this all the time - which he's obviously not...

 

It's mostly the way he blames his problems in the world and looks for temporary escapes instead if solutions that I can't stand.

Yeah. I think you'll find that's called 'being a Loser'...

 

I don't know if it's new or if I just never noticed before. I really don't understand why he wouldn't take a job that would solve basically all of our problems just because it would be hard for a few years.

 

Because he's faced with a choice:

 

Either having YOU to continue supporting him so that he can carry on doing nothing and play his games, get waited on hand and foot and enjoy free sex.

 

Or

 

..."working hard for a few years"...

 

Hmmm, that's a hard one......

[Quietcalamity]

OP, this is a problem of perception -his problem. Sounds like he avoids anxiety, is not a bad guy, just doesn't have much initiative.

 

Thank you thank you thank you. I had basically given up on this thread because I didn't think I was able to make it clear that I truly love him and he IS a good guy. I was venting when I wrote the original post. You are spot-on with how he avoids anxiety with inaction.

 

Best thing for someone like that is to be placed in a situation such that they must react. You did this when you left him but you didn't stick to it and neither has he.

 

Why doesn't he take the job. Does he otherwise think that he will mooch along forever, never getting his career off the ground? Maybe he has other plans, more likely he's just not thinking about it. This resistance to change is understandable, to hard work too. If he wants the kind of life that isn't worth making sacrifices for, then maybe you do need to part ways.

 

It's a matter of perception: he needs to see that the job would build a future for you - and that being stuck in neutral gear, won't.

 

Best of luck , OP

 

He does think that it's unnecessary, that we will make it some other way. I guess he thinks he's going to get a factory job. He has applied to all the factories in the area, but that's it. We have agreed that he should take the job "as a last resort". I guess I just need to make him see that this is it. Thank you for your understanding reply.

[Quietcalamity]

Total Bovine Scatology. You clearly indicate in your first post that when you needed him, he was definitely NOT there for you.

 

Yes, but if you noticed, we've been together for 7 years. That was very temporary.

 

Yeah. I think you'll find that's called 'being a Loser'...

You really don't have to be so rude.

 

Either having YOU to continue supporting him so that he can carry on doing nothing and play his games' date=' get waited on hand and foot and enjoy free sex.[/quote']

 

WOW. I never said I waited on him hand and foot. I don't even know how you could read that into the situation. And "Free sex"? As opposed to sex I get paid for??? That's really unfortunate that you see relationships that way.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you need to express the point of:

 

"Hey, we broke up over this EXACT ISSUE a while ago, but you promised to get your sh*t together. That hasn't happened to the degree that I need. I still feel the exact same way I did about this a year and a half ago. If you don't take this lucrative job offer, you need to come up with an alternative plan, and if you don't, I'm going to have to give up."

 

Let him know you're serious.

 

Side note, I can't believe these grown men and their obsessive video games/TV watching. That's something I've also experienced myself in relationships, even past the age of 30! WTF?!?

[Zahara]

I had basically given up on this thread because I didn't think I was able to make it clear that I truly love him and he IS a good guy.

 

A "good" lazy guy isn't going to give you the life you need or desire. As Tara mentioned, a good guy is far different from being the right guy. She's right in everything she has posted.

 

It's fine that you truly love him but that doesn't change his make or how he is wired -- evident in this second go around with you. If you can live with a good lazy guy, then by all means do so. But know that "love" and "good guy" won't compensate for all your other wants/needs in this relationship.

 

You either tell him to shape up or ship out. There is no in between.

[atlg8r]

I dated a guy similar to this for seven years and lived with him twice. He always just did enough to keep me from leaving him, but then would go back to his old ways. He was sort of a hypochondriac. Once, when we moved to another city to follow "his work", my dad and I ended up working our butts off helping unload the trucks and unpack while he sat on his butt because he felt he just wasn't physically capable of helping. I still can't believe I stayed for another 8 months after that.

 

It is not unreasonable to expect him to contribute. I don't think he will ever change. My advice would be to get out now while you can, before you are any further entwined financially or before you get married.