How should the fWS feel?

[Furious]

It took me a long time to get to where I am now after going through phases of confusion, grieving the end of the affair, and anger at the exOM. But I had to go through all that to deal with it all properly.

 

 

I think it would helpful if you elaborated the above.

 

What were you grieving?

 

What were you angry about with the exOM?

 

You say you had to go through all that to deal with it all properly. How is that, how do you determine "properly"?

 

Is your indifference the same as someone else's indifference. Do you think your exOM is indifferent to you.

 

Is that all....is that the end game.

[anne1707]

I grieved the end of the affair just as I have grieved past relationships when they ended.

 

I was angry with the exOM because he did some nasty game playing after the affair ended and then after dday.

 

I had to work through all the emotions and fall out from that (IC helped) and not just the affair itself and the impact it had on my marriage (MC helped there) so I could work out what I really wanted and needed - to learn and hopefully grow.

 

Can anybody say their version of a feeling, even indifference, is the same as someone else's?

 

As for how the exOM feels about me? And remember I still work with him. Well I don't know and to be honest I don't care. What matters to me and my marriage is how I feel, not how he feels.

 

End game? I don't understand what you mean there. if you mean that is it and the work stops there on my marriage then no, not at all. The work will never stop and that sounds good to me.

[Furious]

I grieved the end of the affair just as I have grieved past relationships when they ended.

 

I was angry with the exOM because he did some nasty game playing after the affair ended and then after dday.

 

I had to work through all the emotions and fall out from that (IC helped) and not just the affair itself and the impact it had on my marriage (MC helped there) so I could work out what I really wanted and needed - to learn and hopefully grow.

 

Can anybody say their version of a feeling, even indifference, is the same as someone else's?

 

As for how the exOM feels about me? And remember I still work with him. Well I don't know and to be honest I don't care. What matters to me and my marriage is how I feel, not how he feels.

 

End game? I don't understand what you mean there. if you mean that is it and the work stops there on my marriage then no, not at all. The work will never stop and that sounds good to me.

 

Most folks before marriage had past relationships that didn't work out and it's normal to grieve that loss.

 

I can understand that freshly out of the affair, you grieved over the loss. But in hindsight what were you really grieving. Do you still feel it was a relationship, comparable to any of your past relationships when you were single?

 

I think this could shed some light on how you got to indifference.

 

(To clarify) ...what I meant meant by "end game" is that for me indifference is only a stage and not the end game. That indifference is only achievable once the hard questions and honest answers are dealt with.

[anne1707]

Sorry Furious but as I have said before on LS, there are now some things I will not post about. My H is a fellow poster and out of respect for him, I won't go into some details.

[Owl]

But how do you allow for a fully reconciled marriage if the WS still harbours even negative feelings about the exAP? To me, indifference is the only way. I think the exOM is an ar$e in terms of some of the things he does in his work role but I do not waste any of my time on him at a personal level.

 

I talked with my wife about this not that long ago. We were joking about something, and the name of her xAP came up.

 

She doesn't think about him really at all unless the subject comes up for some reason. She doesn't miss him, doesn't think back fondly, or think of him with disgust...although she's ashamed of HER ACTIONS during that time, and the damage it did to our marriage then.

 

For her...he's in the past. He's not relevent to today, he doesn't matter to her one way or another...no more than an ex-boyfriend from high school would.

[fellini]

I think it depends on one key fact: did the person you had an affair with know you were married? If they did not, you should definitely just think back upon them with indifference. If this other man knowingly screwed another mans wife? I guess to be honest, I would expect some disgust. This man had no problem participating in the potential destruction of a family. If that DOESN'T disgust you, then I think there is a problem. I'm not saying carry around some intense hatred for him, but yeah..you kinda should be viewing this guy as a scumbag from now on.

 

My case indeed. Came in this thread because it's DDAY year 1, and today is the anniversary of the day he told my WS he loved her. Single, OM, himself a divorced BS, so he knew what he was up to.

 

Knowing if I got the confession out of her because he told her he loved her, and this scared her, or because his telling her that meant she had a meal ticket, is something I will never know. Only she knows what, one year ago tonight, she was really thinking.

 

Today she went to work and crossed paths with him for the first time in 10 months. What a coincidence! The irony wasn't lost on her either.

 

And she told me she didn't feel anything other than a queasiness in her stomach like she needed to vomit.