21st of april would have been our 1 year anniversary

[Afailure]

It's been quite a journey so far,going to be a long but i need to vent.

 

So,on 21st of april would have been our 1 year anniversary,it was my first ever relationship and this was her first relationship also, and while it was short,lasted only 2 months and 2 weeks,i felt like i've known her for years,i lived those 2 months like i never did in my 20 years of life.

 

She was the one who broke up with me.It was also a long distance relationship,she lives with her mother with rent in my city and on weekends went home.We both attend the same college so i get to see her almost daily and every time i do, it's like hot knife is stabbed in my chest everytime.

Relationship lasted from 21st of april to 1st of july.

 

So after analizing what went wrong over and over again,i am indeed the one to blame for the demise of the relationship.However,i wondered,was it truly so bad to let go of all of it,obviously it was to her right to leave if she wasn't happy,but still,am i the demon she imagines i am?

 

I started reading stories upon stories and i find myself amazed,i see so many women still getting back with partners who cheated on them and hit them and i find myself enraged!

 

Yes there were problems but compared to what some people went through they are insignificant,all of them could have been worked through together!We could have evolved together!

 

The mistakes:

1.going too fast and too strong.The reason i went so strong in the relationship is due to things that i have witnessed these last 9 years,when i was 13 my mother was caught cheating on my father,when asked why she answered my father that she never loved him,so basically those 19 years of marriage were a lie,i stayed with my father ever since i never could trust someone again.

 

Plus saw so many betrayals these last 9 years that coupled with some bullying in highschool sent me in a deep depression, i concluded that it is best to just shut down emotionally,to be heartless,but then i met her...

 

I went in strong because i was afraid of being used and thrown away,i was afraid of being played.

 

2.Smothering/suffocating:I loved her with all of my heart,so much that i wanted to spend all my time with her,when we had what she considered our big fight(details further below) she told me to let her breathe and that she wanted to go out with her friends sometimes.

 

Now here is the deal,i never told her she could never go out with her friends,all she had to do was tell me the day she wanted to go out and i would have said "ok,take care and have fun".I wasn't a maniac who held her on a leash for crying out loud!

 

3.Immaturity:sometimes touching her in more intimate places while we were out in the park when we were in remote places where no one could see us,sometimes she told me it was uncofortable.Alright,now people who read this may call me a pervert and disrespectful,it was immature of me,true i won't disagree BUT was it really so bad?It's not like i undressed her in public.I have now learned to control my urges.

 

4.I raised my voice 2 times only in the relationship(no,not the wall shattering,violent kind of voice raising) both of which i regretted immensly afterwards.

 

One was when she had to go at her highschool to collect money as a prize because her grades were amongst the highest after finishing highschool.Eventually she called a bit late,when she called me i was a bit panicked and i told her "why the hell didn't you call me earlier,i mean seriously,couldn't you just call me?"I apologized and she forgave,later that day when we talked we laughed a lot on the phone.

 

The second time was when one of her old neighbours was found dead in the apartment in front of hers,she called me telling she's scared,started to describe what the officers were saying about the body,she kept excusing herself if she was disgusting me,i raised my voice telling her to stop excusing herself because i'm her boyfriend and i will always be there for her.She was about to start crying and told me she'd call in 5 minutes.I felt like crushing my skull with a hammer because thats not what i wanted to do,i just wanted to reassure her that i'm always there for her,not to make her cry.

 

She called me back,then i told her i'm going over to take her out so she can relax,she said it's not really necessary and that we should stay at home and study for exams.

I cried so much that night,i didn't mean for her to cry i just wanted reassure that she does not need to ever excuse herself with me..

 

5.Now this is what she said was the deal breaker and i do understand her in a way:When we got out of a hard exam for which i didn't really prepare myself i was stressed and tired,so we go out in the park and somehow the sex talk starts,we had this talk before where she told me she was not ready and i always answered ok, but this day was really bad for me so when she starts saying she's not ready because of stress i answered:"When will you be,after marriage?Some boys don't wait more than 2 months" to which she answered :"if he truly loves her he will wait,i'm giving you everything slowly,isn't that enough?" i answered:"No they don't" and yes i admit,she was slowly giving me what i wanted,i admit i screwed up.

 

So of course she got upset and wanted to leave to rethink of our relationship,i realized i screwed up and sincerely apologised to her,that day was just really a bad day,i told her i'm sorry for this and that i'm not interested in using her and i truly loved her.That's it,in our entire relationship that was the worst thing i ever said to her!

 

In the end she forgave me right there,grabbed my hand and continued to tell me that she loves me and that in a few years we'll be married.This was the last time we ever talked about this subject.

 

How ever i told her many times that the reason i was with her is because i saw she wasn't easy and if she was easy then i wouldn't have wanted a relationship with her,seems she forgot that.

 

2 weeks later after this,she started getting cold towards me,i kept asking her if she's alright if she needs help because i start to sense her being sad.

 

She kept talking a bit cold towards me,and one day we were supposed to meet,i asked her if we would still meet but she told me she couldn't because she'd arrive in town pretty late,so then i told her that i could sense she was very cold towards me and asked her if her love for me is gone,she said no,i asked her to tell me if she wants to continue so i can know if i should keep investing in the relationship and she told me that sometimes she feels like we don't match,after which she told me she can't stay any longer on the phone because her father was asking her for help with some chores.

 

I called her later that night and she said she thought about what i said and told me that she thinks there's no more reason for us to continue,i spent 2 hours on the phone accusing her of never loving me,crying to her that i loved her and that she never truly cared for me if she did this.I was just acting on my feelings.

 

She said she doesn't feel the same way anymore and i asked her why,she said it was ever since that talk in the park.What the hell?After we made up there she told me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me!And i also apologized to her!

 

If i was just a bastard who wanted to get her in my bed and leave her i would have left her after that talk instead of apologizing and asking her to let's continue!

 

That was the breaking point for the relationship,if i would have waited for her to arrive in town everything would have been normal again but i guess i put too much pressure on her.

 

A week later when we met at college again before summer break,i passed by her and she grabbed my shoulder,saying hi and that she's sorry and also that she didn't delete our photos and still had my number.I realize now that she still had some feelings for me then and that if i talked to her about realiszng my mistakes and explaining why i acted the way i acted, because she didn't knew of my situation,i would have saved my relationship with her,all i had to do was explain it to her.

 

In the end i woke up but it was too late,she had moved on.

 

I tried 3 times to make her forgive after college started again 3 months later,last attempt was a 2 page letter,this was in november in which i admited what i did wrong,in the end we talked on the phone,ofcourse she said no,that once she makes up her mind,she isn't going to change and that she's not interested in a relationship for now no matter who that boy is,which is complete garbage as from what i can gather she started dating someone 2 months after we broke up,they spent new years eve together.

 

She also told me when i asked for fogiveness that there's nothing to forgive since i didn't do anything to her,that everyone makes mistakes, and hopes that i will heal from this and that i find a girl that i can be happy with but now i see that the only girl i could have been happy was with her,we clicked on so many levels,but my "self preservation" mode out of fear of being fooled kicked in coupled with stress managed to destroy everything.

 

So basically she lied to me.Ofcourse it's her right to date since we were no longer together,but i feel like i've been thrown in the trash like i was nothing despite telling me she's thought about this through and through and that it's not like she threw me away like i was nothing.

 

Problems were, i cannot deny that,but they could have been resolved!I just needed more time and compared to what hell others endure our problems were easily fixable.

 

I now have changed,i am in more control of my emotions and my actions but i can no longer feel love for anything,she has killed every emotion i still had left in me but anger.

 

So am i the demon she now thinks i am?I'm just person who witnessed betrayals and was betrayed all of his life and i was just afraid of being hurt.

Sometimes i hate her for doing this to me,i hate her because she would tell me how she would never let me go and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me no matter what happens,i hate her because she made me believe those sweet words,only for her to fall out of love because of harmless mistakes!But then i calm down and i feel ashamed with what i've done.

 

I never would have left,NEVER,i never would have abandoned her or use her,i never even raised my hand at her,i was loyal to her she was the only girl i ever wanted,i would have stayed by her side untill the end no matter what hardships we would have faced and she threw me away,I never thought i would join this kind of site and vent online.

 

When a classmate of hers asked her if she could give me a second chance because her friend could see that i loved her,she frowned and said no.Like really?I know that demonizing me is an easy way for her to justify the break up but she's acting like i kept her tied in chains and tortured her.

 

Going to turn 21 in may,but i feel like i've aged 4 years after this.I have made changes,but i cannot feel love anymore,i cannot trust anyone and deep down i now that this was my last chance at a happy family life.I can't enjoy spring anymore because the sunshine and the smell of the flowers remind me of her and i can't even enjoy my birthday anymore because i spent my last one with her.

 

She has no problems ,she's still with the new guy,heck she even posted she's in a relationship on facebook,she who doesn't post anything on facebook!I'm not even a memory anymore.She has completely forgotten about me and she was telling me how she would never forget me as she doesn't forget the special people in her life.

 

When she would salute me it was in disgust,now we don't even say to hi to each other.And some women who are cheated on and physically abused still want their boyfriend back?!

 

Why wouldn't she forgive me?i tried my best to prove to her that she was my world,i made mistakes but were they truly so despicable?Was i really the monster she now thinks i am?

 

But i thank her in the meantime,i thank her for making me a better person than i was,and if we would have started again,it would have been perfect,if only i knew then what i know now...

I wanted her in my future,i wanted, after we finished college, to get a job and ask her to move in with me,face life together,and instead i'm now seen as a monster.

 

So in conclusion, yes,there were problems,yes i'm the one to blame for it all.I am a flawed person,prehaps the most flawed person you would ever meet but my love for her was real, it was immense and true.

 

She didn't know about my past.Prehaps if i called after a few days and asked to meet her and tell her my entire story i now wouldn't have been in this place,i honestly think that NC,in the end destroyed my chance at reconciliation,so in this case,i should have been the one reinitiate contact and explain to her in detail what was the cause of my behaviour.

 

Where is my happy ending?Am i given a reason to be happy just it can be brutally taken away from me?

 

It's over for good,i realize that but sometimes my love for her comes back.

It doesn't get better,you just have to learn to live with the ideea...

 

As for me,i have realized that is my destiny to be alone,there is nothing out there for me.

 

21 years of life,but the only time i truly felt alive were those 2 months and 2 weeks,i felt like i finally had a purpose,i had a reason to wake up with a smile on my face but as always,it all has to fall apart.Sometimes i just can't comprehend how some people have it worse and still stick together but i end up being hated and replaced.

 

All i wanted to do was make sure i wasn't being played,i loved her more than anything but i was scared,why do i have to be considered evil now?

 

I tried my best to prove that i wanted something serious,hell i even offered myself to personally drive her mom and her home so i could make their trip back easier and more comfortable while we were together but she refused,i always was on the lookout if she was hungry when we were out and i always paid for her meal,i refused to let her pay,i always bought her water when we were out during those hot days.

 

She wanted icecream?No problem i bought her icecream and we would eat it on the bench in the park,i always made sure she got a seat on the bus,i always gave her my hand to help her get down stairs or off the bus,i tried to make her happy the best i could,i always took her back to her appartment and didn't leave untill i made sure she was safely inside,there were bumps maybe sometimes i gave vibes that i wanted her physically a lot and what i said then really wasn't necessary but i was under stress and i was tired,has it never happened to anyone to say things they don't really mean to?

 

She's not a bad person,not all,in fact she's amazing,mature,intelligent,never dresses provocative with a strong will and resilience to temptation,and she did make efforts to see me since it was long distance and really tried to show she loved me,a truly extraordinary girl,the girl i dreamed about for my entire life,a girl that many would give everything to have.

 

She made efforts and sacrifices herself aswell i won't deny,it's just that,i feel something that could have been absolutely superb has been thrown away too easily.She even posted she's in a relationship on facebook on march 25,she,who is not a facebooker,who has no pages liked,no posts did this with him and not with me?Truth be told they are at 7 or 8 months mark but i feel like being spat in the face and laughed at,she seems absolutely crazy about him!

 

It's like all this was a test to prove myself that i'm incapable of keeping a great girl by my side.

 

I can't believe how beautifully all of this started then how it turned to chaos because of me,i wanted to marry her in a few years,i am the cause of this.But why did she chose to hate me in the end,why could she not see i truly loved her,the love of my life thinks i'm a monster when i was loyal to her,never humiliated or insulted her,i never even raised my hand at her and people who did those things are forgiven?

 

I'm not the monster she made me to be be,why couldn't she see that?Now i am replaced and i'm seen like a giant piece of crap.

[STM206]

Be thankful that you only invested 2 months into the relationship as opposed to 2 years. It could've been a case of right person, wrong time.

 

I think you need to get out there again, 2 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, not discrediting how you felt but you've thought about her long enough - it's time to get your life back and find someone you're compatible with.

[Afailure]

Be thankful that you only invested 2 months into the relationship as opposed to 2 years. It could've been a case of right person, wrong time.

 

I think you need to get out there again, 2 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, not discrediting how you felt but you've thought about her long enough - it's time to get your life back and find someone you're compatible with.

That's the thing see,me and her just clicked,i felt comfortable around her,i didn't have to put up a facade,it just felt natural.

 

Now i know what you're saying that if we were compatible we would still be together,we ARE compatible,of that i'm sure,i'm just angry at the situation sometimes,i had so much to offer her and she left me because of things that could have easily been forgiven but she herself said that there's nothing to forgive since i didn't anything to her

 

I cannot control another person's feelings i know that.Sometimes i just wish i had a one last chance to straighten things up,to show her that i have matured and fixed my issues and can maintain a healthy and happy relationship because we had so much potential together.

[STM206]

That's the thing see,me and her just clicked,i felt comfortable around her,i didn't have to put up a facade,it just felt natural.

 

Now i know what you're saying that if we were compatible we would still be together,we ARE compatible,of that i'm sure,i'm just angry at the situation sometimes,i had so much to offer her and she left me because of things that could have easily been forgiven but she herself said that there's nothing to forgive since i didn't anything to her

 

I cannot control another person's feelings i know that.Sometimes i just wish i had a one last chance to straighten things up,to show her that i have matured and fixed my issues and can maintain a healthy and happy relationship because we had so much potential together.

 

We all do, I think every single person who has been dumped holds onto that "if only I had one more chance it would all he different" but sadly it doesn't work like that.

 

Have you guys been in contact at all still?

[Afailure]

We all do, I think every single person who has been dumped holds onto that "if only I had one more chance it would all he different" but sadly it doesn't work like that.

 

Have you guys been in contact at all still?

No,i deleted her off facebook, and we don't say anything to each other at college,i just left her be,i don't want to be her just "a friend"that's not why i started a relationship with her.

 

After my last attempt at reconciliaton in november when she refused me again,i told her that i will leave her alone and i kept my word,i tried to fix it but to no avail so why keep contact?

 

If i contacted her a day after out break and asked her to meet up and explain why i acted the way i acted i honestly think i would have saved this relationship.