Mutual Crush gone bad!

[Holly2004]

Hi. This is my first post and, after reading all the situations and replies I'm hopeful that someone (especially a man...or an experienced woman) can help me out with this. I haven't been able to convey all the details of the situation to close friends because the events are too complicated and bizarre to sort out for me. Plus, my friends love me and I'm not certain they can be totally honest with their response for fear of hurting me. Therefore, this will be somewhat long and I apologize for that. I hope you can understand and help me out.

 

I have been divorced for 4 years and haven't had a serious relationship in that time. Last year (April 2013)I went to a music performance with a group of friends, who know and have played with the group that was performing. I couldn't help but notice one of the guys with the group kept looking at me. When our group went to the bar for a drink at intermission. the band was there and everyone was chatting. I couldn't help but notice this guy was showing off to me, kept looking to see if I noticed him (I sure did). Within minutes I was attracted to him; his smile, his comical flirting etc. I was stunned that I felt that way about anyone again.

 

I didn't see this guy again until July when I went to another performance with a long-time male friend of the group. We had a great time and, again this guy took notice of me, and came over to chat with us.I felt the mutual chemistry, but he was circulating with the audience.

 

Forward one month (August)and I took a friend to one of the group's performances that took place outside on a beautiful summer night. Her husband had passed away 4 months earlier and I wanted to get her out to have some enjoyment. My crush noticed us as we crossed the lawn to find a spot to sit and smiled and waved to me. At intermission I went over to say hello to everyone in the band and he was standing alone by the stage. I walked over to say hello and he pulled me to him in a hug. I was surprised, but liked it. When he spoke he was very nervous, voice cracking etc. and I knew then the crush was mutual. Again (as with all performers) there was an audience to smile and greet at the end of the performance, so my friend and I walked by the stage and just waved and said good night. A warm smile and wave from him lifted my heart. I knew then I was hooked and wanted to see him again.

 

Come September, a close male friend, also a close friend of my crush, had noticed the mutual attraction and invited my crush to a music performance my friend's group was putting on and also invited me. Long story short he ended up sitting with me and we had a great time together. We have a lot in common, including mutual long-time friends. He's funny, warm and kind and we just clicked. He was leaving with my friend's group on a week long tour right after the performance.

 

When my friend's group and my crush returned a week later my friend and his wife stayed with me for a week. We invited my crush over to join us for dinner one evening. He came in and gave me a hug and kiss. Again we had a great time with lots of conversation and laughter. He listened to every word I said and I paid close attention to everything he said and his body language. All was good! We learned a lot more about one another and I hoped to hear from him. He told me he'd see me at my friend's music performance in 3 days. He hugged me goodnight.

 

Hold on now, because this is where it gets dicey! When I arrived at the venue for the performance my friend's band was setting up and my crush and his best friend were talking with them. I went down the line and said hi to everyone and gave hugs. I came to my crush and he reached out and pulled me to him saying, "it's been too long" . I responded, "at least 3 days". I introduced him and his friend to the widow friend I brought along (again to get her out and about) and he and his friend followed us to a table to join us for the performance

 

To begin with, let me tell you I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking.

and that is generally wine. The waitress comes and the wine starts flowing.

We ordered dinner and my crush and his friend (who I knew quite well) and I were having a fun conversation. My widow friend wasn't saying much and looked very serious, like she was on another planet. Then, 2 glasses of wine later, she stands up, leans over the table to my crush and pinches his cheeks saying he is sooo cute. Unbelievable! We are in our late 40's We are all stunned by this outburst ! My crush graciously laughed and said something like his grandmother used to do that to him. I'd told him earlier she had just lost her husband 4 months earlier. I'm thinking....WHO is this woman I brought to meet my friends and the guy I have a crush on. Then she leans towards my crush and asks him..."do you like sex"!! I couldn't believe it. It was surreal. He leaned back in his chair sort of laughed and said well, uh , ! I looked at her and she wasn't smiling; she was dead serious....and NOT drunk.

 

OMG. I stood up, leaned over the table and said to her, "what are you doing...these are my friends...and this is a man I'm interested in". She totally ignored me like I wasn't there. No smile, just sitting there staring at my crush! I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and afraid I would be judged by the company I keep. Her husband's body wasn't even cold and she is acting like a slut. I didn't know what to do.

 

My 3 glasses of wine caught up with me so I was able to turn toward my crush, who'd had his arm around the back of my chair, lift my head to him, and pursed my lips. I figured if she saw that she'd know he is off limits and sit back or go home. It warmed my heart that he looked me in the eye, smiled and kissed me...twice. Then, another round was served, I stupidly drank it, and became wasted. All I wanted was for her to go away. My crush turned to me and said "I don't drink that much" and turned away. Bad body language. I lost him in that moment and he didn't say another word to me. Unfortunately, I discovered I am one who remembers everything the next day and I was sick with embarrassment, sadness and had horrible hate towards my widow friend (now ex-friend).

 

As my good friends told me, I did it to myself, and I know that. But that has never happened to me before and I felt I totally ruined any chances for a relationship with my crush. I called the widow the next day and she denied everything she did and said to my crush. Fortunately, my friends who stayed with me that night, heard her say it.

 

The next day I sent a email to my crush and his friend apologizing for my behavior.. His friend understood and sent a big smile, while my crush simply said... don't worry about it. Right. Who wouldn't worry about it. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I didn't hear a word from my crush after that night and agonized for the next month until I would see him at his group's performance.

 

Forward to the next month.. The widow called to tell me she wanted to go to this performance (I hadn't spoken to her for over a month). I told her I didn't want her to come and there wouldn't be a place for her at our table. My friends told me if she showed, we would leave. Thankfully she didn't show.

 

I was a wreck waiting for the group to appear on stage. I didn't know what to expect. My crush came on stage and looked around at the audience, spotted me and smiled and waved. OMG..relief. After the performance I stood in line to see him. He spotted me and rushed people along, pulled me to him in a long tight hug. I told him I was very sorry. He said something like..it's OK, we didn't have a chance to talk about it. I responded that I wanted to get to know him better. (How stupid is that. I should have asked him when we could talk about it). He said yes he'd like to get to know me better and, later, after everyone left, came up to me, hugged and kissed me and we chatted for awhile. He and the group had to leave and I was left with no future plans to see him. He's now gone for a month over Thanksgiving with his family (he's divorced...twice).

 

Fast forward a month...he's invited to a music party at my friends home, accepted the invite, but his plane arrives too late to make the party. I emailed saying we missed seeing him. He responded he really wanted to be there, but plane got in too late. I had a great time and spent a good part of the evening with his BF, who likes me a lot and knows I have a crush on his friend. But now it's December and I'm leaving for a trip in January and he leaves for a trip to a different area. I won't see him now for 3 months.

 

I send him an email telling him that since we probably wouldn't be seeing one another for a few months I asked if we could meet somewhere to talk about the "event" where we could have an honest and candid conversation to resolve any misunderstandings about what happened that night

 

He responded saying the event had no effect on how he felt about me; warm and friendly feelings and great respect. He thoroughly enjoys being with me. Then he added he was seeing an old girlfriend who was also good friends with my best friends and maybe I would meet her soon. (None of his (our)friends knew about this or who he was talking about). OMG I wanted to die. I responded by saying I appreciated his understanding and wished him well with his exgirlfriend. Then I wanted to vomit.

 

I decided not to go to his group's next two performances. It killed me, but I just couldn't do it. My best male friend (and one of my crush's friends) asked me to go with him to their final performance of the season (Unbeknownst to me, I learned later this was a set up by his BF and my BF who knew we had mutual crush). By this time I decided I liked the group's music and there was no reason not to go just because my crush is now with someone. I agreed to go with my friend. I saw my crush onstage as we walked in and headed to a table. To my surprise, within 5 minutes my crush stood at the table, big smile and hi to me. Very nervous. He sat with us and we all chatted. It was funny when I think of it, but one of the group members had to come down off the stage to get him as the performance was to start. He nearly tripped over his feet getting to the stage. At intermission, he ran down to join us again. Within a few minutes my male friend excused himself to see someone and left my crush and I are alone. We're both nervous. We start talking about our trips. He asks me about my family, where I'm going, how long.(never asked about family before). He then tells me he had to take the lease for 3 months and he's not sure whether this is where he should go; maybe should go somewhere else. ya da ya da. I tell him about a place he must visit while at his destination and while looking it up on his phone he smacks the phone down on the table...very frustrated. I was startled and wasn't to ask if something is wrong. I didn't have a clue as to what he is thinking and feel very uncomfortable. Again, time passes and someone comes to get him again to join the group on stage and he leaves. After the performance I go to him and hug him and wish him well and a great trip. He looks very sad and says, thank you, and goodbye. I feel heartbroken and lost.

 

Three months later, I'm back from my trip and he's back from he. His BF's have now told me he is in love with me. Now I have a hard time understanding that since we all have learned his ex-girlfriend joined him for a week while he was away. They have been together twice over 3 years, breaking up once for some reason and then the last being she wanted to get married and he didn't. They have been apart for over 2 years now and I've learned his grown daughter,family and close friends are shocked and not happy they are back together since they feel she isn't good for him. I was told she is unstable.I don't know her nor do I know what is going on. All I know is I thought we had something possible and good and it is over now. I feel lost.

Please help me with this. Should I wait to see what happens? I could still feel his caring for me when we last met.

 

Sorry for this long story....

 

Holly