Which infraction is worse: infidelity, or abuse?

[ThatMan]

I think that goes against my experiences. Whenever I've known people rank mistreatment it was always because they had a problem taking ownership of what transpired. You'll find people from all walks of life who trivialize a vast range of different forms of abuse. Just as you've trivialized the infidelity in your relationship as being less severe than emotional abuse.

 

It is often beneficial to instead place a label to the mistreatment as abuse, without further judging the behavior beyond acknowledging that what happened wasn't okay, and that you deserve better. Guessing which infraction is the worst should be a small afterthought to the exceptional importance of understanding that infidelity is not okay and you deserve respect like the rest of us.

 

See what I mean?

[serial muse]

It doesn't trivialize this stuff for somebody to rank these infractions in their own minds. It does trivialize it to just say, 'well, it all sucks, so let's just move on'.

 

Except I didn't say the part in bold. And I disagree that it doesn't trivialize to rank pain. I honestly don't see the purpose in it.

 

I have read a zillion different threads on this board, and 'cheating' comes up a lot. It seems to generally be considered the worst thing you could ever do to your partner. That premise is interesting to me, because when it happened to me, it hurt, but I took it in stride and didn't make it about me. I was able to deal with it and move on...not just move on myself, but move on with the person who cheated. I never dug into the extent of her relationship, beyond what I knew. When it happened, I drew a line in the sand, and she moved on with me and never looked back to the other person or anybody else.

 

Then, after we separated, information came out that indicated that she may have had some other who-knows-what going on for a little while. I can't prove any of it, and really, I didn't care beyond the initial getting mad. I didn't care and didn't dig. It was like, 'whatever'.

 

However, the emotional abuse in our relationship was just unbearable. It was inescapable. It made so much of the time with her miserable. Just a miserable day-to-day existence. I remember thinking, 'I would rather have her cheat on me and be nice than deal with this crap'. So, when I see people state that cheating is the worst thing you can do to your partner, I'm inclined to respond with my perspective that there are things that can actually hurt worse, and then I get labeled as supporting cheating...which is ridiculous.

 

Anyway, this board isn't professional therapy, so I think it's ok to just have real and frank conversations about what hurts us.

 

Well, I agree with this - but I think that's where personal stories are different from attempts at objective rankings. You can certainly speak to what's worse for you, individually, and why one thing felt more painful or more of a dealbreaker for you in a particular case - exactly as you have just done here. But to ask people to take things out of context and slap arbitrary rankings onto faceless acts just doesn't seem very useful to me.

[RonaldS]

Sorry but all you will get is flat answers that are in no way realistic.

 

It doesn't work like that.

 

Even if a situation is hypothetical it still has to follow some sense of reality. You want people not to add any nuance and just say which is worse...makes no sense. In any situation like that it would clearly depend on lots of other details...so I don't see what is to be gained by asking a question and forcing people not to consider what they would actually consider given the situation.

 

In any event: if my friend came to me and was being abused or being cheated on, both would be bad and I would judge her partner for both of these things. Some cases of infidelity are heinous and can be just as abusive. You obviously want us to just imagine some empty situation with no details and make a judgment and tell you which is worse, but there is no objective worse here, it simply would depend. But for argument's sake I can see how in particular cases one may recover a relationship from particular kinds of infidelity whereas I'd be less likely to suggest reconciliation in the case of abuse.

 

Fair enough. Let's reframe it then.

 

How do you rank these infractions yourself?

 

I gave mine. I actually put emotional abuse above infidelity, and explained why. I guess we can say that infidelity is abuse...just like we can say physical abuse is exercise. That's what I mean by not wanting to fill it with nuance. Let's just say: physical abuse, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. How do those line up for you? Which ones can you live with/learn to deal with, and which ones are immediate deal-breakers?

 

Curious: what's the point/what are you trying to get at by asking this question?

I'm just curious. I've had experience with all of them, and I am not going to sit here and say I dealt with them well. But, I'm no longer in a situation where I have to deal with those things, and won't again put myself in that position.

 

So, it's just an interesting topic to me. One thing I found was that when my ex did certain things, given that we were married and had kids, rather than address them appropriately, I would instead excuse and justify her behaviors. I asked the original question because I want to see how other people view those things, cope with those things, where they draw lines in the sand, etc.

 

I acknowledge that my original framing of the question was not well thought out.

[sidney2718]

Just want to conduct an informal poll. Abuse can be emotional/mental, verbal or physical.

 

Which one of these, if a good friend came to you and told you that their SO had committed, would you be most inclined to say, 'You need to get out if that relationship'?

 

I do have a reason for asking, and will elaborate on that later...so as to not skew results.

 

In my mind, they are not the same at all. Physical abuse of the sort that puts marks on your body, causes physical pain, and so on is really torture in the pure medieval sense of the term. It is not only not to be tolerated, but is considered a major crime in all civilized societies.

 

Emotional abuse can at times rise to that level. You have to know someone who has really suffered from it to see this. It is most frequently inflicted on wives by husbands but there are cases where it is the reverse.

 

Infidelity can cause the BS to come down with a STD. No doubt about it, but that's a special case of physical abuse. Infidelity causes emotional upset and is serious, but I think not quite so serious as a weekly beating with a belt.

 

Of course in the end, we each have to judge and one person's physical abuse might be less upsetting than another's infidelity. To make absolute judgements one needs more information about a particular case.

[waterwoman]

Having never suffered conventional abuse in a relationship I can't compare. I do know that after d-day I felt as if I had been emotionally beaten up. I shook, sobbed uncontrollably, vomited with shock. And that was because of something h CHOSE to do to me, not an accident. The after effects took a while to clear. Still there at times. Abuse? I reckon so.

[dragon_fly_7]

This is the same as if someone were asking me if I would wish to die being strangled (abuse) immediately or being poisoned/sentenced with a terminal disease and dying slowly (cheated on). It will still give me the same result: DEATH

 

Both of them are an immediate abuse of trust in my book. If cheats then he betrayed my trust by not having enough self-control to not act on his sexual drive. If he hits me, same thing. He betrayed my trust (and sense of security) by not having enough self-restrain to not act on his impulses. In the end both are controlled and if it happens, it's because he/she chose not to have self-control.

 

In both situation, I'll never get rid of the image of him with another woman in those dirty sheets (cheating) nor the threatening face he made in anger towards me (abuse) and those are immediate deal-breakers to me. Why would I trust and stay with a man that has no self-control nor self-restrain?

[amaysngrace]

A scumbag is a scumbag no matter what scummy thing they do.

 

Beating your spouse, belittling your spouse and cheating on your spouse are all pretty much scumbag behaviors.

 

That's what I think anyway.

[HermioneG]

Physical abuse is worse because it's potentially very dangerous.

 

Cheating on someone is a terrible breach of trust but no is going to end up in the hospital or dead because of it. There's a reason why you can go to jail for hitting someone but not for sleeping with your hot neighbor.

 

Um.

 

Google this- murder because of infidelity.

 

People absolutely do die from the aftermath of infidelity, and not just because of diseases. There are suicides, murders, and assaults, and they aren't as rare as you'd like to think.

 

INFIDELITY AND MURDER. - WRECK OF HOME AND FAMILY BY A WOMAN. PAINFUL HISTORY OF A VIOLENT-TEMPERED MAN--IMPRISONED FOR A BRUTAL ASSAULT--INFIDELITY OF HIS WIFE IN HIS ABSENCE--POISONED BY HER ON HIS RETURN. - Article - NYTimes.com

 

Man charged with Jacksonville murder in case of infidelity | members.jacksonville.com

 

'Infidelity plus' ? the new defence against murder | Vera Baird | Comment is free | theguardian.com

 

Infidelity, suspicion major causes of women's murders - The Times of India

 

 

 

 

Those are just a few.

[amaysngrace]

Um.

 

Google this- murder because of infidelity.

 

People absolutely do die from the aftermath of infidelity, and not just because of diseases. There are suicides, murders, and assaults, and they aren't as rare as you'd like to think.

 

INFIDELITY AND MURDER. - WRECK OF HOME AND FAMILY BY A WOMAN. PAINFUL HISTORY OF A VIOLENT-TEMPERED MAN--IMPRISONED FOR A BRUTAL ASSAULT--INFIDELITY OF HIS WIFE IN HIS ABSENCE--POISONED BY HER ON HIS RETURN. - Article - NYTimes.com

 

Man charged with Jacksonville murder in case of infidelity | members.jacksonville.com

 

'Infidelity plus' ? the new defence against murder | Vera Baird | Comment is free | theguardian.com

 

Infidelity, suspicion major causes of women's murders - The Times of India

 

 

 

 

Those are just a few.

 

Yea....totally forgot about crimes of passion.

 

Yes...they're all sucky....good digging Sherlock!

[dragon_fly_7]

Yea....totally forgot about crimes of passion.

 

Yes...they're all sucky....good digging Sherlock!

They still belong in prison. I hope the ''But I got cheated on and so kill him/her'' isn't longer accepted. Reminds me also of the Clara Harris, the woman that killed her cheating husband because of crime of passion too.

 

Murder of David Lynn Harris - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I hope she doesn't get out. Prison is where she belongs in. But still, she only got 20 years.

[amaysngrace]

They still belong in prison. I hope the ''But I got cheated on and so kill him/her'' isn't longer accepted. Reminds me also of the Clara Harris, the woman that killed her cheating husband because of crime of passion too.

 

Murder of David Lynn Harris - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I hope she doesn't get out. Prison is where she belongs in. But still, she only got 20 years.

 

Yes it's a lame excuse to murder someone for cheating the same way it's lame to kill someone for beating you up.

 

That's what divorce is for.

[janedoe67]

I'm always intrigues by people who truly think it's fine to kill someone for cheating. Cheating is absolutely wrong, but so is murder. I remember on a so-called Christian based website where the idea of burning a WS alive was applauded. Yeah, great forum.

[odinseye]

Just want to conduct an informal poll. Abuse can be emotional/mental, verbal or physical.

 

Which one of these, if a good friend came to you and told you that their SO had committed, would you be most inclined to say, 'You need to get out if that relationship'?

 

I do have a reason for asking, and will elaborate on that later...so as to not skew results.

What if both happen at the same.

[odinseye]

Impossible to answer. If a friend came to me to advise that she were being abused, I would be asking questions. Same with the cheating.

 

Abuse...emotional, verbal, physical?

 

You can't make a blanket judgement as to which is worse. Too many variables.

 

If a man repeatedly punches his wife in the face because he didn't like his dinner (physical abuse), I'd say that would be worse than a man getting incredibly drunk and kissing another woman, then immediately confessing and regretting it (cheating).

 

On the other hand, if a man sleeps with his partner's mother (cheating), then I would consider that worse than a man calling his wife a bitch (verbal abuse) during a heated argument.

 

The answer to your question is highly dependent upon the situation, and isn't always the same.

What if that person was cohearsed into the infedlity and abuse

[odinseye]

A scumbag is a scumbag no matter what scummy thing they do.

 

Beating your spouse, belittling your spouse and cheating on your spouse are all pretty much scumbag behaviors.

 

That's what I think anyway.

Liked what was said about grandpa Can see how it could happen now I weigh 95 lbs

[odinseye]

Not trying to be sarcastic or trivialize your question, but ...... couldn't infidelity be considered a form of abuse?

 

 

They are both bad, but if I had to say which is worse, IMO, it would be abuse.

It can, try the abuse for 3 decades, when you finally stage a rebellion you are considered to be the evil one.

[odinseye]

Yes it's a lame excuse to murder someone for cheating the same way it's lame to kill someone for beating you up.

 

That's what divorce is for.

what if her BF decides to humiliate you by kicking a cane you need to stand up. Is it self defense when you send him to a trauma center or is it evil

[amaysngrace]

what if her BF decides to humiliate you by kicking a cane you need to stand up. Is it self defense when you send him to a trauma center or is it evil

 

Would a cane to the scrotum really cause trauma?

[dragon_fly_7]

I'm always intrigues by people who truly think it's fine to kill someone for cheating. Cheating is absolutely wrong, but so is murder. I remember on a so-called Christian based website where the idea of burning a WS alive was applauded. Yeah, great forum.

This makes me glad I'm not a religious fanatic but rather atheist. It's very disturbing how someone can even suggest or even dream about (even if it were a joke; a sick one) setting a human being on fire; one of the worst, horrible ways to kill someone.

In a way, they are contradicting their religion and belief. It's suppose to be about having faith and supposely you learn about how to forgive, not about how to be absolute evil by inflicing prolonging, life altering injury/death upon someone.

 

I think I got even more emotions and compassion towards life and others as an atheist than those religious fanatics, ''good'' person who think setting someone on fire is funny.

[dragon_fly_7]

What if that person was cohearsed into the infedlity and abuse

I would wonder why is that person still with them in the first place? Why did they stay for so long and not leave after the very first signs of disrespect?

 

I'm sure it didn't start out with a sudden punch to the face nor sleeping around whenever he wants to situation.