Going on a date with my mom

[somedude81]

I get this, too. You're the opposite gender of her and you're from a different generation so you probably don't really understand her problems when she shares them.

 

Talking about problems together is also something a couple does that is bonding so that it's possible part of your difficulty in listening to her problems is the boundary issue again.

 

Does your mom have friends she does things with? Does she have sisters?

I understand them, but I don't get why she doesn't do anything to fix them. Every time I see her we seem to have the same conversations.

 

She hates her truck and wants to buy a car, but not until she gets a house. She wants to buy a house but she can't because of XYZ reasons. She feels that she hasn't accomplished anything in life; that she would like to be a college professor, or a paralegal, or start her own business, but she hasn't done any steps at all to achieve any of those because of XYZ reason. She's lonely but hasn't even considering doing online dating. She can't sleep in her apartment, though she's at least really planning on moving out in June. We've been having these conversations for years.

 

As far as I know my mom has a couple of acquaintances. I don't believe she has any friends she does stuff with. One sister is in the Bay Area, the other in Oregon. From what I see, my mom only spends time with and talks to her mom, and me.

[Speakingofwhich]

I understand them, but I don't get why she doesn't do anything to fix them. Every time I see her we seem to have the same conversations.

 

She hates her truck and wants to buy a car, but not until she gets a house. She wants to buy a house but she can't because of XYZ reasons. She feels that she hasn't accomplished anything in life; that she would like to be a college professor, or a paralegal, or start her own business, but she hasn't done any steps at all to achieve any of those because of XYZ reason. She's lonely but hasn't even considering doing online dating. She can't sleep in her apartment, though she's at least really planning on moving out in June. We've been having these conversations for years.

 

As far as I know my mom has a couple of acquaintances. I don't believe she has any friends she does stuff with. One sister is in the Bay Area, the other in Oregon. From what I see, my mom only spends time with and talks to her mom, and me.

 

Tell her just what you've told me.

 

All I have to go on is my own R with my sons and they would say to me, "OK, look mom. We've been having these same conversations for blank amount of years. If you want to accomplish any of your goals you're going to have to start taking baby steps to get there. Why don't you......." Then list out what she should do such as go check into taking paralegal classes or other classes. Join online dating, etc. Then if she gives excuses just say, "OK, well if you won't or can't take baby steps you're going to be in the same situation in two years as you're in now. Nothing's going to change unless you change." Then say, "I love you, Mom."

 

The next time she tells you the same things, tell her again, "Mom, you're going to have to take baby steps and do something differently because nothing will change unless you change. We keep having these same conversations and it's driving me crazy because you have so much potential but I can't do anything for you. You have to do it yourself. I love you, Mom." We say I love you a lot and especially when we have to say something the other may not want to hear.

 

The next time she starts singing the same old song then say, "Mom! Look! I told you that you have to take baby steps to change. Remember? What baby steps have you taken?" If she has nothing to report then say, "You haven't done anything, see, that's why you're in the same situation as you've been in!" Pause and then say, " I love you, Mom!" If she is going to act like a child whining and not doing anything about her issues then treat her like a child by telling her what she should be doing.

 

Stay on her about it every time she brings things up. Tell her what she should be doing. Tell her it drives you crazy that she won't do anything about her dreams. When she gets tired of hearing it, she'll quit whining about her problems and maybe even do something about it.

 

And if she never stop whining and doesn't do anything about it you can finally say, "Look, I don't want to hear anything more about it until you show me that you've taken some tiny steps to achieve your goals." If she launches into excuses just say, "Uh! Excuses excuses! Not listening to any excuses today!" in kind of a teasing way, then "I love you, Mom!" Make her laugh, but don't let her keep up her whining, call her out on it!

 

Also, you may have to explain to her that if she wants to have friends she's going to have to quit complaining about her life and get involved with things so that she'll have interesting things she's doing to talk about with people because people don't always want to hear your problems.

 

It sounds to me as if you love your mom. And it sounds to me as if she may have gotten into some bad habits of whining. And also inertia. Kick her in the seat of the pants, so to speak. It's OK to do it when you love someone as you're doing it for their best good! And then, always tell her in that voice she loves to hear, "I love you, Mom."

 

My kids are often brutally honest with me, but they are always respectful when they're doing it and they always tell me they love me!

 

Does she have to work?

Edited April 20, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[Itspointless]

My dad died around age 55. Appreciate the time you have with your mom. I get where you're coming from, and I know it must be painful. Just try to keep things in perspective.

i wanted to write almost the same. My mom only got 50 and become ill when I was 14. I wish I could spent time with her. By now I have a hard time even imagining that she ever existed. Be careful she wont be there anymore before you know it. Then you will look back to these trips with fond memories and cringe about the fact that you did not want to be there with her.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Itspointless

[gaius]

It's hard for people who have never been through it to understand, but having your parent turn you into their surrogate partner can be incredibly annoying and feel very dirty.

 

There's only one real solution somedude and that's to get her a real boyfriend. Is she attractive?

[Speakingofwhich]

It's hard for people who have never been through it to understand, but having your parent turn you into their surrogate partner can be incredibly annoying and feel very dirty.

 

There's only one real solution somedude and that's to get her a real boyfriend. Is she attractive?

 

 

I agree that for boys/men they need certain boundaries set so as not to feel the R is incestuous. My kids have never told me that but I have sensed it.

 

It may be the same for girls with dads, idk, depending on how the dad behaves and what he expects from them. My own mom and dad were together when dad died so I never went through that with him. But, can see how if he would have been single and wanting to date me it would have been weird. Not to say I wouldn't have wanted to spend time with him. But, if he wasn't dating others, and just wanted to be with me, nada! That would have felt sick.

 

My own kids are used to me dating, but still they set boundaries and rightly so.

[Itspointless]

Boundaries are always important.

[Anela]

It's hard for people who have never been through it to understand, but having your parent turn you into their surrogate partner can be incredibly annoying and feel very dirty.

 

There's only one real solution somedude and that's to get her a real boyfriend. Is she attractive?

 

I've always spent a lot of time with my parents. I've had my own wishes that I had my own friends or a partner to go out with, and I went through a period of resentment about years in the past, when I was younger. I don't like other people turning the time I spend with either of them, into something creepy.

[ja123]

Do you have an unresolved Oedipus complex, or some OCD happening?

[gaius]

I've always spent a lot of time with my parents. I've had my own wishes that I had my own friends or a partner to go out with, and I went through a period of resentment about years in the past, when I was younger. I don't like other people turning the time I spend with either of them, into something creepy.

It's not about spending a lot of time with them Anela, it's about the dynamic they impose on you. When I was young and my mother was single I was basically the boyfriend she didn't have sex with. I'd get to hear about all her problems, go with her to see the movies and concerts she wanted to see, give her massages when she needed them. Try giving your dad a massage around his penis and tell me it doesn't feel a little creepy.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of kids who spent more than average time with their parents but still have that parent child dynamic. I don't think that's what somedudes talking about. I could relate immediately when he started mentioning his mother telling him all her problems and how he fled home and her general area at an early age. Maybe that's even why he waited so long to start dating. It took me a while to get comfortable with intimacy after I left home too.

[somedude81]

It's not about spending a lot of time with them Anela, it's about the dynamic they impose on you. When I was young and my mother was single I was basically the boyfriend she didn't have sex with. I'd get to hear about all her problems, go with her to see the movies and concerts she wanted to see, give her massages when she needed them. Try giving your dad a massage around his penis and tell me it doesn't feel a little creepy.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of kids who spent more than average time with their parents but still have that parent child dynamic. I don't think that's what somedudes talking about. I could relate immediately when he started mentioning his mother telling him all her problems and how he fled home and her general area at an early age. Maybe that's even why he waited so long to start dating. It took me a while to get comfortable with intimacy after I left home too.

Thankfully I've never had to give my mom a massage but you do understand what I'm going through.

 

And yes, I do think that my problems with women do have some connection to my relationship with my mother, though I'm talking about stuff that happened in early childhood. She was pretty close to abusive up until I was a teenager and moved in with my dad.

[gaius]

I agree that for boys/men they need certain boundaries set so as not to feel the R is incestuous. My kids have never told me that but I have sensed it.

 

It may be the same for girls with dads, idk, depending on how the dad behaves and what he expects from them. My own mom and dad were together when dad died so I never went through that with him. But, can see how if he would have been single and wanting to date me it would have been weird. Not to say I wouldn't have wanted to spend time with him. But, if he wasn't dating others, and just wanted to be with me, nada! That would have felt sick.

 

My own kids are used to me dating, but still they set boundaries and rightly so.

You sound like a great mother that you can recognize that need in your kids.

[Haydn]

I used to take my mum and dad to the pub with my mates.

 

I still take my mum to the flicks or a show up Shaftesbury Avenue every now and then. We don`t hold hands or anything. After we might share a bag of chips and a Saveloy with a Gherkin or two.

[jellybean89]

Every single thing I did this weekend would have been something I would have preferred to do with a girlfriend.

 

Everything thing was right, except for her.

 

But you don't have a girlfriend...right? So instead of having a fantasy date in your head, why don't YOU get out and start dating???

 

My mom isn't even trying to date.

 

She's introverted just like me. The only people my mom even spends time with are her mom and step-dad, and me. That's it.

 

I don't want my mom to depend on me for company. It's not right.

 

Why does she NEED to date? Grown kids sometimes refuse to see their parents as 'real' people. You do realize she has a life without you right? She doesn't sit around all day and wonder "Hmm...what time can I call somedude" or "hmm...let me see if I can get somedude to come spend time with me". Parents, even single parents, don't live their lives revolving around their grown kids.

 

Maybe she sees that you have no girlfriends, nor friends, and she doesn't want YOU to be lonely? Maybe she is trying to get you involved in things - because you are an introvert - and by doing things with her, maybe you will try things on your own? Maybe she doesn't really want your company, but worries that you are sitting home alone night after night?

 

Cut her some slack dude. Remember, she won't be around forever and be grateful that she wants to include you (and spend money on you). You never know what tomorrow will bring.

 

If you don't want to hang out with her - tell her no. I guarantee she won't go to be crying because you have other plans.

[Speakingofwhich]

You sound like a great mother that you can recognize that need in your kids.

 

well, gaius, I'm thankful to have a great relationship with my kids! But, can't really say I'm a great mom just one who knows she doesn't know it all and is willing to learn from my kids.

 

They were all here today, both sons, wives and kids and those boys razzed me mercilessly for something I did fifteen years ago! They were laughing their heads off as they mimicked me to the nth degree! Believe me, since I PAY for years when I mess up :lmao::lmao: i do my best to behave reasonably!

Edited April 21, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[somedude81]

OK, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to set boundaries with her without hurting her.

 

I can also pretend that I'm busy when she tries to invite me to do stuff with her.

[skywriter]

My mom is 55 years old. My parents divorced when she was about 25, and she has never remarried. It's probably been about 10 year since she's had a boyfriend or been on a date. Because of that she uses me for company.

 

I love my mother, but I'm starting to wonder if I actually like being around her.

 

A few days ago she called me up asking me if I wanted to go watch a San Francisco Giants game in San Diego. She has been wanting to go to a Giants game for a while. Truthfully, I did not want to go. But I didn't want her to go by herself, which she would have done.

 

So we do the two hour drive to San Diego, watch the game then stay in a hotel room with two beds. Then we went to some Mormon thing, then Old Town then to the beach and boardwalk area.

 

The whole entire time I'm thinking, "Why the hell am I doing this with my mom?! This would be an awesome date weekend. I wish I was here with my ex instead of my mother!"

 

I really wasn't enjoying myself, and I didn't put in much effort into what I wanted to do and see. She asked me what I wanted to do next and I said that I didn't really care, she said that a girl would want my opinion and for me to be more involved. In my head I'm thinking, "No sh*t. But I'm not on a date with a girl, I'm here with you."

 

I tried as hard as I could to hide my feelings, and I think she bought it. Though I do think I was starting to become a little short with her. She wants to talk way too much.

 

In a little more than a month from now, one of my cousins is graduating High School in Oregon. Several members of the family will be going and at staying at her parents house. My mom wants me to fly into the Bay Area at her expense, where she will meet me and then we'll drive from there into Oregon. I'm not looking forward to the drive, though I am looking forward to the vacation. My mom asked me to look into what I want to do along the way, and she mentioned doing a hike at some national park. And I'm thinking, "Great, another activity that I would love to do with a girlfriend, and yet I'm stuck with my mom." She mentioned that she wanted to drive with me from Oregon all the way back to SoCal and I told her absolutely not, it's much too far of a drive and I much rather fly.

 

I don't know what to do about her except just suck it up.

 

Ever since I got dumped by my ex, I've had the feeling my mom is replacing her, which I completely not OK with.

 

 

 

All I can think of after reading this post is, I hope my son always feels like he can tell me how he feels, without fear of guilt.

 

My son is almost 29 yrs old and he's been raising his now three yr old son alone since his fiance walked away when their son was only 3 weeks old.

 

He lives a 6 hour drive away from me, and he's extremely hesitant to make friends and have them in his home.

 

He and I are very close, talk everyday, and he invites me to come stay the weekends all the time. I having a standing invitation and he acts so appreciative when I can make it for the weekend.

 

I understand how he feels about extending his trust towards people and exposing his young son to others. Especially given what the babies mother did to both of them.

 

So he tends to gravitate towards the people he can count on and he trust, at least for now.

 

There will come a day when he will meet a nice woman and he will not call as often or invite me to come visit as often.

 

For now, I am enjoying being able to be there for him.

 

I just think that you should treasure the time you have with one another.

 

When you do have a girlfriend, I'd imagine your mother will then understand and things will be different.

Edited April 21, 2014 by skywriter

[Speakingofwhich]

He and I are very close, talk everyday, and he invites me to come stay the weekends all the time. I having a standing invitation and he acts so appreciative when I can make it for the weekend. .................................

 

For now, I am enjoying being able to be there for him.

 

I just think that you should treasure the time you have with one another.

 

When you do have a girlfriend, I'd imagine your mother will then understand and things will be different.

 

Yes, lucky you that he wants you there! I, too, would be going every single time he calls! This is precious time for the two of you to spend together!

 

I drop everything for my kids and grandkids and go every time they call!

[Speakingofwhich]

OK, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to set boundaries with her without hurting her.

 

I can also pretend that I'm busy when she tries to invite me to do stuff with her.

 

I know you just won't cut her completely out! Call her a few times a week if you can. You don't have to talk for an hour every time. Ten minutes is great to let her know you care!

[Imajerk17]

I don't think SD81 is a demon here either. It is very hard for many of us guys to go from a parental-son dynamic to a best-friends dynamic. I get that many women are "best friends" with their moms, but SD isn't a woman.

 

What is it that women say about "mama's boys" anyway?

 

I think balance is key. SD, I hope on the one hand you appreciate having a mom who wants to be close to you. On the other hand, you do need to be developing your own social life with peers in your generation, and your mom has to get this. Maybe this is the push for you to go to Meet-ups, if only to have something to tell your mom.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Imajerk17

[BJP56]

She is spending quality time with you. I do this sort of thing all the time with my mom. Its not a date.

[amaysngrace]

I don't want my mom to depend on me for company. It's not right.

 

I would never want to be with a guy who doesn't make time for his mother or talks a bunch of crap on her.

 

It's a red flag.

[Standard-Fare]

Everything thing was right, except for her.

 

I think this is an odd comment. I agree with the others ... there's no reason to even be comparing this time with your mom with "time you should be spending with a GF." They are two very different realities and they shouldn't be intersecting in your mind.

 

But I think most of us can relate to having a limit with the time we can spend with our parents without going nuts. I love my mom but can't go one-on-one with her for more than a day or two before we start fighting.

 

Know your own limits so when you do spend time with your mom, you enjoy it, value it, and don't resent it. Don't put yourself into situations you know are going to be overkill.

[somedude81]

I think this is an odd comment. I agree with the others ... there's no reason to even be comparing this time with your mom with "time you should be spending with a GF." They are two very different realities and they shouldn't be intersecting in your mind.

 

But I think most of us can relate to having a limit with the time we can spend with our parents without going nuts. I love my mom but can't go one-on-one with her for more than a day or two before we start fighting.

 

Know your own limits so when you do spend time with your mom, you enjoy it, value it, and don't resent it. Don't put yourself into situations you know are going to be overkill.

 

The reason the two are intersecting in my mind is that I really want a girlfriend. I've spent way too much time of my life single and I've only had one relationship that only lasted six months. In the time that I've been single, my mom has been the person I did the most things with.

 

If somebody asked me who I wanted to go to a baseball game with, and then spend the day in San Diego, my mom would be pretty far down on that list.

 

Also, I'm very sore about my breakup. The fact that I'm doing things with my mom, that I really wish I was doing with my ex instead, really bugs me.

 

I am realizing that I can only spend a certain amount of time with my mom. It did seem we were getting close to arguing, and I'm glad the day ended when it did.

[ja123]

You'll need to stop going out with you're mom, if you feel like this.

 

 

She doesn't mean any harm; she loves you.

 

 

You're projecting your impatience and dissatisfaction with the situation because you feel like a momma's boy. This isn't the case, but it's how you perceive it, so that's why you are antagonistic towards your mom. This is your issue, I think more than hers (though she does sound like an introverted type who has trouble making new friends - let her deal with that, though).

 

 

You just concentrate on improving your life: physically, mentally, emotionally. Hang out with friends in your own age group. Be happy with who you are now, and love will come into your life again!

 

 

Good luck!

[Ruby Slippers]

You have to set boundaries with her or you'll begin to resent her and then won't want to be around her at all. Plus, if you set boundaries with her now she won't resent your wife when you get married and also she won't be interfering with your marriage. My boys make it very clear that their wives come first with them but they had already moved into different roles with me by the time they married so it was much easier for all of us to adjust to them being married.

This is very good advice. I was in love with a guy who let his mom interfere in our relationship and ruin it because of her jealousy and need to control his life. He has two brothers, their dad died when they were young, the mom never even tried to date again, and the older two behave like her surrogate husbands. They all seem very unhappy, and neither of the older sons has ever had anything close to a normal relationship with a woman. She groomed and guilted them to give her all the companionship, affection, and attention that sons should never be expected to give their mother.

 

And yes, I do think that my problems with women do have some connection to my relationship with my mother, though I'm talking about stuff that happened in early childhood. She was pretty close to abusive up until I was a teenager and moved in with my dad.

My ex told me years after our breakup (with some embarrassment) that he read a book called "Married to Mom", about grown men in enmeshed relationships with their mothers, and it helped a lot.

 

When your mom invites you to do things you don't want to do, don't do it because you feel guilty about her being alone. If you keep filling the void of a man in her life, she'll never be motivated to find one.