Accepting reality

[Beechy1973]

Hi. Never posted on one of these before but have probably read every one following me separating (and subsequently divorcing) my wife nearly 3 years go. I was with my ex for over 25 years, married for 18 and have 2 beautiful children.

 

Our relationship was close but suffered the usual challenges; me married to work, not displaying enough affection, money worries and work pressures. I wasn't a bad husband though and always provided and was never unfaithful. I have said many cruel things over the years, usually in hurt, and like many couples, our sex life went down the pan a long time ago with little effort being shown from either side. I felt habitually unloved and unattractive for nearly a decade due to her lack of interest in me physically, although I accept my lack of affection and romance contributed largely to this. We still generally had a good laugh together and would talk every evening. She is extroverted and I am introverted; she liked to go away with friends and I trusted her completely.

 

Anyway, after a particularly long period of not communicating properly I announced I was leaving. Not sure what drove me to this decision (being a creature whose emotions and thoughts and not especially well joined up!) other than feeling chronically lonely in the relationship, unloved and a feeling that there was something else for me out there. In retrospect I think I also did it as a 'test' to her to see how she'd react (she assisted me to leave ASAP).

 

After a week I came to my senses and asked for us to try again; she said it was too late. I was heartbroken and after a month found out she was seeing someone else and had been texting him and having long, almost daily, phone conversations with him for several months (while we were together).

 

I was devastated and blamed myself for having been a neglectful husband. I did all the usual wrong things like begging her, crying in front of her and generally being a sad and weak sap. I am not one of those who dodges responsibility and have always taken my share (and then some) of the blame for our marital problems and break up. She refuted all my requests, citing cruel comments I had made over the years (she has a great memory for comments I made even decades ago when we were only young and immature!) She continued to see her new man (the complete opposite of me) for over 6 months while I was broken. My wise friends all gave me the same advice of don't show your feelings, get on with your life, etc, but of course I ignored all this and let my heart lead me. I started seeing someone who put me on a pedestal and who really loved me but I wasn't ready for that level of commitment and was hot and cold in my responses to her; she deserved a lot better.

 

There were a couple of occasions when my ex appeared to see the light and said she wanted to try again; on both occasions I cooled off with my new girlfriend only to find my ex withdrawing quickly (it was like a test from her to ascertain if I was still there for her and as soon as she knew I was she would back off).

 

There were times when I behaved badly and called her names and she judged me very harshly for this, although in context I had been driven almost insane at times due to her lies, indecisiveness and manipulation.

 

Even 2 years after splitting, whilst I was single, my ex asked us to try again, said she loved me and was 'sick of just surviving' and wanted us to date and fall in love again and be a family again. I said I'd be willing to give this a go; however after just over a week she sent me a Dear John letter saying it would never work, too much had happened, etc, etc. It didn't bother me too much as part of me had been expecting it and it also confirmed what a flaky character she is (and how if we had stayed together that grass is greener outlook would have kicked in and she would have felt trapped every minute of the day).

 

We have been divorced a while now. I have long given up any hope of a reconciliation. I believe she has had a major mid life crisis and she wants to have fun all the time. She's had a few relationships which seem to run out of steam when the men want something more than just 'fun'. She has shown me no compassion or care for 3 years and appears to have enjoyed seeing me hurt and struggling at times. She has spread lies about me and always takes the opportunity to point out I am unsupportive and a lacking father (I am an excellent father and have my children several times a week).

 

It has helped me to view the woman I loved as being 'dead'; the person there now is not the woman I fell in love with and married. The person in her place is narcissistic and manipulative; she has never apologised for cheating on me nor for her indecision over the past 3 years which have hurt me so much.

 

I still have bad days when I question what I ever did to be treated so badly and unfairly; I accept she will never apologise (as in her mind she has done no wrong) and I appreciate I must find any outstanding answers from within.

 

My main question is why hasn't she chosen to apologise? Isn't it the decent thing to do? Would doing so mean she would then have to face the way she has acted and to take some responsibility instead of constantly blaming me (she still tries to say that I had been having a long term affair with a work colleague from Wisconsin which is in no way true)? It would allow me some closure and maybe the final piece I need in order to move on.

 

I sometimes wonder (hope?) that one day the reality of what's happened due to her actions will hit her hard and make her confront herself; however I think that may never happen.

 

Thanks for listening. To those of you who are fresh from a break up and hurting; please know that time does heal if you let it. Allow your emotions to flow and do not feel guilty. I have a better relationship with my children and parents now than ever before. I'm developing as a better person every day and look forward to when I can look back on the ex with complete indifference.

 

It's still hard sometimes to focus on myself instead of her. Not sure I believe in love anymore but maybe that will change when I meet the right person. Maybe I need to completely let go of my ex in order to let love in again.

 

What will be will be

 

Beechy x

[Mittens]

You've answered your own question: She will never apologize because she feels she has done nothing wrong.

 

She was having an emotional affair before you left - she probably feels she doesn't have to apologise for that because you did leave. She probably feels she was justified in having the emotional affair because of the cruel things you said to her.

 

Anything she has done since you left - she probably feels is none of your business and therefore she doesn't have to apologise for any of it. She attempted to rekindle what she felt for you and finally realised that she couldn't. It is a shame it took 3 years, but you also allowed her to keep coming back...

 

You sound like you don't like her much now. If that is the case, why are you still looking to her for something you know you won't get?

[Beechy1973]

Thank you Mittens. You are correct I think. I guess I always thought that regardless of how I was at times during the marriage (I did say some cruel things but doesn't everyone at times when they are young and immature? She was never a saint either) after 25 years I am due a bit more respect and if she had any decency she would have apologised for having caused so much pain and upset through her actions? Instead she has continued to lie and manipulate and bad mouth me (to make her look better probably). She has appeared to enjoy toying with my emotions and sucks up attention like a narcissist. You are right though that I was at fault in letting her toy with me as it takes two to tango and I should have shut the door long ago and been much stronger. She text me only recently saying she missed me ; like a fool I respond with my heart instead of seeing it for the narcissistic ploy that it clearly is. I guess due to my constant interest she probably feels she could have me back whenever she likes so she's never really 'lost' me. One learns (or tries to!)

[TroyNJ]

Beechy, I could have wrote almost the exact same story as you did. I have also been divorced for 3 years and mine went down very close to how yours did...Your X will never apologize, mine didn't either. Stay strong!

[oldshirt]

My first love did me wrong and put me through hell at a tender young age. It's been 32 years and I still haven't heard anything that even remotely sounds like an apology.

 

 

Accepting reality means that you are responsible for your own future and for moving on. If you are going to wait for her to do anything, you are going to spend your life waiting for something that will likely never happen.

[RonaldS]

There is a certain type of person who simply does not insert themselves as a variable in the equation. It doesn't matter how wrong they are...blame can always be placed on somebody else. They then get to a point where they probably don't even know how to apologize.

 

To make matters worse, they surround themselves with people who are going to support them and agree with them blindly, and then we have confirmation bias to perpetuate the notion that they're infallible and the other person is totally to blame.

 

An apology will never come from your XW.

[Beechy1973]

Thank you for your replies - it's appreciated. Have read a lot around this since (great forum) and I think (hope) I've now made the mental step to accepting that what she thinks doesn't matter and it needs to come from within. Maybe one day an apology will be forthcoming but by then it won't matter at all.

[worldgonewrong]

I used to dream of an apology from my XW. I thought it would be something I'd savor -- her humility combined with refreshing honesty.

Then I realized, after time, it will never come AND (drum roll) I don't care anymore.

[Beechy1973]

Thanks WGW. Read your posts and you situation has been similar to mine. We've made some of the same mistakes but you can't ever say we never tried. It's taken me 3 years to draw decent boundaries wit her and I still sometimes undo that and get sucked into some dialogue with her her that undoubtedly provides her with some level of satisfaction of still being able to exert control over me. Hopefully I can put this behind me.

[M30USA]

OP, my ex-wife has beaten me with a wooden plank, punched me in the face, thrown spaghetti in my face, attacked me while I was sleeping...

 

I haven't received a single apology for any of them. A previous poster was right when they said she feels she has done nothing wrong. I know you really want to hear an apology but you won't. Accepting this will help you feel at peace. It might take time but it will bring you peace.

[worldgonewrong]

I just re-read your original post. It's been 3 years. That's a long time.

Accept the fact that the past IS the past. It's dead, buried, done, not coming back.

Invest your NEW self in a worthwhile relationship, if it's in the cards. You might discover that you and your ex were just never completely compatible.

Trust me, I went through all the mental torment. But it's been like a purging, done. Like awaking after being sick all night.

She's not a part of your life anymore, and guess what? That's not a tragedy!

There's something/someone better out there for you. Embrace that possibility.

[hurts1968]

Thanks WGW. Read your posts and you situation has been similar to mine. We've made some of the same mistakes but you can't ever say we never tried. It's taken me 3 years to draw decent boundaries wit her and I still sometimes undo that and get sucked into some dialogue with her her that undoubtedly provides her with some level of satisfaction of still being able to exert control over me. Hopefully I can put this behind me.

 

 

Hi Beechy1973, Know how you feel mate....i have only just gone through a separation where she tried to blame me for everything but in the end it turned out this was all a cover for an affair she was having!

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Not only will you not get an apology, your ex has shown she has is and will rationalise all she has done. Several things follow, to construct a narrative:

-You did many bad things to her, so she was a victim

-You did things first, so anything she did was in response

-You trapped her and were controlling, now she is free

... And so on. Her narrative will be incompatible with yours at the important points. We all "change the world" to fit our emotionally experienced truths. Some people do this so frequently it seems nuts.

 

My advice is same as other posters. Disengage. I mean actively disengage - no texting, and focus your emotional energies elsewhere.

 

Life sucks, but you must move on, and find out where to, en route.

[Beechy1973]

Thanks Tiredfamilyguy. Wise and true. I've developed a good ability to predict things now and what you say is spot on. I wonder if people do this as a defence mechanism to stop them having to experience guilt and take responsibility and feel bad? Is it partly narcissism? Someone wise once told me that these things are like a pendulum; they can bury their heads and avoid responsibility but at some point the pendulum swings and they will HAVE to confront what they have done. I live in hope but can honestly say it doesn't really matter much to me these days. Any apology would be too little too late, but would at least assure me that the person I spent over half my life with was at least human

[TiredFamilyGuy]

I wonder if people do this as a defence mechanism to stop them having to experience guilt and take responsibility and feel bad?

 

Some people, yes. Others are just inclined that way innately.

 

“Memory says, 'I did that.' Pride replies, 'I could not have done that.' Eventually, memory yields.”― Friedrich Nietzsche.

 

He was not describing your wife in particular, but in general, yes.

 

More than that, the very worst people of all sleep entirely soundly, wholly untortured by guilt and regret: They don't care! This is precisely what enables them to act so badly!

 

Still wondering about what she is thinking, would be a mistake. Forget that, and focus your energy elsewhere in the universe. Good luck.

[Beechy1973]

I do believe Nietzsche knew my wife and wrote that about her specifically

[TiredFamilyGuy]

" And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."

 

...says a lot about the energy we give things, by thinking about them. He was very likely speaking directly to you here. I think we should pay attention.

[Beechy1973]

Very true TFG. An abyss is a good analogy.

 

Isn't it amazing that when you start to, genuinely, move on (and I don't think it's something easily faked) exes have an almost sixth sense for picking up on it and changing their approach to be more respectful and interested?

 

Thankfully after a while you appreciate any overtures as being self-interest orientated and to do with their sense of self rather than anything sincere about yourself.

 

One does learn eventually!