gaius Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I never view delusion as something anybody should strive for. What a sad life these men live. I guess it's the old red pill blue pill question. And a lot of them prefer to stay in the Matrix. I've even known guys who pay prostitutes and somehow delude themselves into thinking they're really enjoying their johnish company and it isn't about the money. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I didn't really read the article but... You really think women marry you for your sex appeal/attraction? :lmao::lmao::lmao:: Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Can anybody name a single positive thing a man gets out of this on his end? Cheaper mortgage payment. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Keep in mind these things aren't yes/no. Often it's probably a matter of weighing if the sexual desire is "enough", and maybe convincing herself that it is (honesty with oneself comes up again) because the relationship is otherwise ideal, she's already fantasizing about the perfect family, and so on. Not to mention she probably LOVES him. In other words, he's too good to dump over something as seemingly shallow as lust. This is so sad I do not even know where to begin. I lived in this kind of marriage as the spouse who was not desired. Do you have any idea what that is like? It is NOT shallow, it is soul-crushing. And I "should have been able to tell?" How about the other partner not being cowardly and half-hearted and knowingly going into a one-sided marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Kids, a partner who supports him in work and life, an additional earner in the family, a parenting partner, etc, etc. Do any of those actually seem like a reason why a man would pursue and try to date, then eventually marry a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Do any of those actually seem like a reason why a man would pursue and try to date, then eventually marry a woman? Probably not most men. But there is a small percentage of practical, societally paranoid and possibly asexual men who DO choose a woman because she will be good for him, good for his job, and help him out in life. They will say it is love; maybe they will even believe it is love (and maybe in a way it is). But it is NOT marital love, and it leaves pain in its wake. I do think women do this more. Especially women who have sex hangups. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Do any of those actually seem like a reason why a man would pursue and try to date, then eventually marry a woman? Yes, in fact, they do. In real life, with real careers and real children, these are highly valuable benefits of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 This is so sad I do not even know where to begin. I lived in this kind of marriage as the spouse who was not desired. Do you have any idea what that is like? It is NOT shallow, it is soul-crushing. And I "should have been able to tell?" How about the other partner not being cowardly and half-hearted and knowingly going into a one-sided marriage. I'm not defending it, and I would advise a woman to NOT marry if the sex is lacking. But I'd advise a man the same. Was sex actually much better when dating? How about when you were dating? Was the sex hot? Did he show lots of sexual interest in you after dating a few months? Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I'm not defending it, and I would advise a woman to NOT marry if the sex is lacking. But I'd advise a man the same. Was sex actually much better when dating? How about when you were dating? Was the sex hot? Did he show lots of sexual interest in you after dating a few months? ha....Yeah, I was a nice conservative fundamentalist 25+ year old virgin when I married. My hubby was very....gentlemanly. I thought it was his desire to be pure. I had no frame of reference. And talking about it was discouraged because "it make tempt you." My first clue should have been the circumstances under which he said he wanted to date me and what his words were. I didn't know enough to know better. I loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Do any of those actually seem like a reason why a man would pursue and try to date, then eventually marry a woman? Yes. It seems that there are plenty of guys who really want to be parents, and want the stability of a home, second income, and partnership/family. Some guys aren't very sexual. Whenever anyone tries to make the case that guys don't want to parent that much, and having and raising children is mostly for females, some guy will step in to say how it's the most important thing in his life and he resents the stereotype. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Yes, in fact, they do. In real life, with real careers and real children, these are highly valuable benefits of marriage. Do you really think that guys are tying to date women so they can have kids and have a stable two family income? Yes. It seems that there are plenty of guys who really want to be parents, and want the stability of a home, second income, and partnership/family. Some guys aren't very sexual. Whenever anyone tries to make the case that guys don't want to parent that much, and having and raising children is mostly for females, some guy will step in to say how it's the most important thing in his life and he resents the stereotype. That's different then. If the guy truly wasn't interested in sex from the start, then he should be fine in a sexless marriage. Though I believe that most men try to pursue and date women so they can have lots of sex. I'm guessing that most of the guys that became unhappy platonic husbands, used to have frequent sex with their wives or girlfriends, but then things dried up. Obviously if a husband is begging his wife for sex, he's not asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 ha....Yeah, I was a nice conservative fundamentalist 25+ year old virgin when I married. My hubby was very....gentlemanly. I thought it was his desire to be pure. I had no frame of reference. And talking about it was discouraged because "it make tempt you." My first clue should have been the circumstances under which he said he wanted to date me and what his words were. I didn't know enough to know better. I loved him. In this case, has anyone deceived? Of are both hoping for the best whole completely in the dark? The religious ideal of a virginal wedding night definitely puts sexual desire on the back burner. It would be a complication and challenge if the pure couple were wildly attracted to each other. I knew of one girl who broke it off with a suitor because she didn't think she could resist him an have a chaste courtship. I guess she needed someone she was less attracted to, because if religious expectations? ::headsmack::: Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Do you really think that guys are tying to date women so they can have kids and have a stable two family income? l. I personally know a few. Of course, they are expecting sex will be part of the deal, but it isn't priority #1. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 In this case, has anyone deceived? Of are both hoping for the best whole completely in the dark? The religious ideal of a virginal wedding night definitely puts sexual desire on the back burner. It would be a complication and challenge if the pure couple were wildly attracted to each other. I knew of one girl who broke it off with a suitor because she didn't think she could resist him an have a chaste courtship. I guess she needed someone she was less attracted to, because if religious expectations? ::headsmack::: Pathetically, that does happen. I was very very attracted to him and desired him very much. I probably would have gone as far as he wanted to take me; he was the one with self-control. Yeah, in a normal world that should have been a clue. In our world, and given his profession at the time, it was some sign that he was a "great spiritual leader." I am very aware that my case IS sort of an outlier case, regardless of the whole "everyone is the same" mantra. And even "chaste" people can sit down and discuss their desires and how they feel about sex before the wedding. God isn't going to smite you for being honest. He CREATED sex, for goodness' sakes. Some of these people need to read Song of Solomon. I own my ignorance. But his choice to marry someone who he KNEW was madly and romantically in love with him when he wasn't a sexual or sensual person is on HIM. It wasn't up to me to read tarrot cards. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 For the record, none of my relationships have been sexually lacking. At all. I want the whole enchilada... and no, I don't think that having early sex is the way to get that. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I want the whole enchilada... and no, I don't think that having early sex is the way to get that. Maybe slightly O/T, but love this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I personally know a few. Of course, they are expecting sex will be part of the deal, but it isn't priority #1. That's fine then. From your previous post I was getting the impression that you were saying that they didn't have sex in mind at all. I honestly can't think that any straight man would would marry a woman knowing that she will very rarely ever have sex with him, unless like there was some extraneous circumstance, like he didn't have any body below his navel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
topaMAXX Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 The 'platonic husband': not all women marry because of genuine sexual attraction - Los Angeles Men's Dating Advice | Examiner.com I read this article and actually saw that episode of Dr. Phil. It makes one wonder why there are men that are not into getting married. Why would a woman do a man like this? This is fairly common from what I've observed. One of the things that I've noticed when dealing with women is that you have be "great in bed" right away (and by "great in bed", what she means is that you know exactly what she wants, despite the fact that she doesn't tell you). I've found women to be very poor at communicating what they want and then blame the guy for it (yet another reason why I stopped dating). Over time, I learned to take subtle hints. But now I just don't have any patience for any of that. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 That's fine then. From your previous post I was getting the impression that you were saying that they didn't have sex in mind at all. I honestly can't think that any straight man would would marry a woman knowing that she will very rarely ever have sex with him, unless like there was some extraneous circumstance, like he didn't have any body below his navel. No, I think they expect sex. But if sex is once a week and lukewarm during the dating stage, and he is thinking, "I can live with that", he should be questioning how into him she really is, because it might be a sign that she isn't into him that way. Cause really, the dating days are when she's supposed to have trouble keeping her hands off him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 There are benefits for a man in marriage to the right kind of woman who desires him. I see no benefit whatsoever for me to be in the kind of marriage in this article. I would absolutely nothing positive out of it and even the kids would be messed up after mom has her eventual affair and tears the family apart. I don't believe all marriages are like this but too many are and it is just painful to watch. Link to post Share on other sites
Chubbi Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) There are benefits for a man in marriage to the right kind of woman who desires him. I see no benefit whatsoever for me to be in the kind of marriage in this article. I would absolutely nothing positive out of it and even the kids would be messed up after mom has her eventual affair and tears the family apart. I don't believe all marriages are like this but too many are and it is just painful to watch. It's painful for the children to watch too. My Ma and Dad have been married maybe 30 years but they are roommates. He sleeps on the couch; she takes up the bed. For awhile, they were not even friends; they were platonic companions. They go to places together and eat together but that's about it. They never hug and kiss; though they do that to us. They have mild contempt for each other; once my mom told him if she'd do it again, she wouldn't get married. He didn't say anything; wasn't phased by it at all. I would say my sister and I are their one true commonality. She kicks him out of the bedroom at ten if he is still there (though I can sleep with her if I want). The last time they slept in the same bed together have to be over ten years ago. Maybe they have rekindled since my sister and I haven't been home for an extended period (we visit) in over seven years: we both went to university/got my own place but the whole while I was there, that was the situation. It still seems like that is true. Edited April 21, 2014 by Chubbi Link to post Share on other sites
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