Talk some sense into me [update]

[ZMM]

This is what I'm operating on....I don't want to be around for their divorce. I don't want to be any part of it and I want him to leave his m regardless of me. Admittedly I'm worried that he will leave and my feelings will change for good and I won't want to be with him but that's not on me, I keep telling myself that anyways

 

 

 

If he really wants a D, he will get one anyway. In fact if you have cut him off, it may make him more likely to follow through. Maybe not. It really depends on what he actually wants. If he is miserable at home and would prefer to be alone than married, then he probably will follow through. That is the case with me. And regardless of how things work out with OW, I know it's my only option. Because I know that what I want for the rest of my life is impossible to achieve while I stay in my current marriage. All this is totally unrelated to OW, love, sex, etc. It's about the two people in my marriage and the different way we want to live out our lives.

[jellybean89]

Thanks jellybean...this means a lot coming from you as I always read your posts as very honest and no bull**** . Thank you for the support

 

I don't feel like I am changing, I feel like I am white knuckling through this whole thing

 

Admittedly, a part of me is hanging on to maybe he will leave and then we could see what happens but I know that for me to ever consider that I need a clean break right now and need to be far away from this A

 

He called my home phone last night from his hotel room (he's away on business) I answered because I didn't realize obv and I thought it was my aunt who lives out west. Anyways, he pleaded and begged and told me his plan and said how he knows this is so messed up but that if I love him the way he loves me we will come out the other side stronger

 

I told him idk how I feel, idk if he's the one for me and I refuse to assess that until/unless he is D/separated and until I work through what this has done to me

What my poor decisions have done to my self worth

 

He told me I am the love of his life and that he will not let me slip through his fingers... And I reiterated once again that what I need and want is space and time. He questioned me on what exactly that means and I said call me when you're D. He asked if I was serious and I said yes. He said he can't imagine his days without me. I asked him to respect my need to heal myself and told him I do not want him checking in on me so to please respect that and stop .

 

I'm so torn up today. My stomach is in knots. And I'm so anxious This is so so hard. Tomorrow is a full year since we began. Need to get through that day.

 

oh no you don't....don't you dare backslide ....

 

he loves you so much and can't imagine ONE DAY without you? then why is he not at the court house filing papers? Why is he expecting YOU to continue to twist YOUR morals so he can have an affair with you? Why is he disrespecting you by doing that? Why doesn't he give a crap about the pain you are in? No man who loves a woman will want to continue to harass, pester and beg...he will put up or shut up.

 

He isn't checking on you..he is trying to keep you as his option..and you are way better than that.

 

No more answering the phone if you do not know the number. Don't care who it is -- they can leave a message. No more 'excuses' about his contact..it isn't showing he cares, it shows me he doesn't give a damn about your feelings and that you are hurting. It is all about him.

 

Today you may not be feeling good -- but that doesn't mean tomorrow you won't wake up with a quick smile or you won't end up laughing at a joke or giggling with your kids. Baby steps.

[Nothisgirl]

oh no you don't....don't you dare backslide ....

 

he loves you so much and can't imagine ONE DAY without you? then why is he not at the court house filing papers? Why is he expecting YOU to continue to twist YOUR morals so he can have an affair with you? Why is he disrespecting you by doing that? Why doesn't he give a crap about the pain you are in? No man who loves a woman will want to continue to harass, pester and beg...he will put up or shut up.

 

He isn't checking on you..he is trying to keep you as his option..and you are way better than that.

 

No more answering the phone if you do not know the number. Don't care who it is -- they can leave a message. No more 'excuses' about his contact..it isn't showing he cares, it shows me he doesn't give a damn about your feelings and that you are hurting. It is all about him.

 

Today you may not be feeling good -- but that doesn't mean tomorrow you won't wake up with a quick smile or you won't end up laughing at a joke or giggling with your kids. Baby steps.

 

 

You know, I actually felt panicked, like on the edge all morning. I didn't feel better after talking to him. Not. At. All. I had a weird number at the office this morning and I didn't answer...it wasn't him because they left a message but I can tell you I won't be tricked by that again.

 

And YES!!! It IS all about him, his needs..he tried to spin it into it being all about our "love", that if we truly have that soul mate love that everything else will fall into place... I told him love isn't enough..not for me anyways.

 

He said on the phone last night he is telling her on Thursday. I urged him not to. And reiterated that I would not be there to pick up the pieces.

 

I had an amazing workout tonight and am feeling ok..hot bath, glass of wine and bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

Thanks for the pep talk jellybean... I needed and appreciated it ..

[preraph]

He's prepared to say anything to satisfy his short-term need for gratification. Words from him should mean NOTHING at this point. I guess he thinks that if he says he's getting a divorce, he'll be able to just keep this going. You've been strong. Now just try to put it all on the back burner and contact friends or do something (a class or whatever) you've always wanted to do to redirect your focus. I promise it will make it easier.

 

Here's one final thought. Even if he did divorce, most men when they divorce after cheating, go on a sex bender now that they're free and screw around with a variety of women. After all, he was doing that while married. No reason to think when he becomes single, he will suddenly become monogamous!!!

[jellybean89]

How are you doing today?

 

How are you feeling?

 

Have you had any communication from him?

 

Why was he waiting until "Thursday" to tell her? Just another carrot to be dangled in front of you He's playing games with you...you see that right?

[herself]

My heart goes out to you. Im sorry its so hard to close the door on someone you love.

I did akk the blocking, rearranged furniture, quit coffee,.changed driving routes, music genre, threw away clothes he liked, even got a new job & phone. Every peice of my life I could re-do....I did. Its a hard thing your doing. It takes GUTS.

You can do it girrlie & as u can see, you've got a fan club. Xo

[Nothisgirl]

My heart goes out to you. Im sorry its so hard to close the door on someone you love.

I did akk the blocking, rearranged furniture, quit coffee,.changed driving routes, music genre, threw away clothes he liked, even got a new job & phone. Every peice of my life I could re-do....I did. Its a hard thing your doing. It takes GUTS.

You can do it girrlie & as u can see, you've got a fan club. Xo

 

Wow, Ty so so much. You have no idea how much that meant

 

And GOOD FOR YOU!! It's so helpful to read how others managed to do it

 

Ty again xo

[Nothisgirl]

How are you doing today?

 

How are you feeling?

 

Have you had any communication from him?

 

Why was he waiting until "Thursday" to tell her? Just another carrot to be dangled in front of you He's playing games with you...you see that right?

 

Ty for checking in.... I'm doing ok. He emailed me at the office, I can't block there as it's a company site however I do have his messages set strait to trash now. I didn't read it. I couldn't.

 

Thursday (today) he come home from his business trip. And he's not knocking at my door with a signed anything so yes, I do see it. He was grasping at straws to get me to stay in the A with no intention of following through, or at the very least no intention of following through on any sort of time line

 

I keep thinking about what you said about how if he loved me so much he wouldn't ask me to continue to compromise my morals. It's so true. So selfish!

[jellybean89]

If he would only put as much effort into divorcing as he is doing trying to keep you as his mistress...the fact that he doesn't shows his true intentions.

 

I do believe if he really loved you (or any of these MM having affairs), they would not cause the hurt they do to the woman they allegedly love; they would never want them to hurt and they sure as heck would respect them and their values and not expect or ask them to sacrifice those things for an affair. They know how much this hurts you yet he ignores your requests for NC and continues to contact you. It is about HIS needs and HIS wants; not yours.

 

What are you going to do this weekend to keep your mind occupied? Do something that gets you out of the house, enjoying life and keeping busy (as much as you can).

[Nothisgirl]

If he would only put as much effort into divorcing as he is doing trying to keep you as his mistress...the fact that he doesn't shows his true intentions.

 

I do believe if he really loved you (or any of these MM having affairs), they would not cause the hurt they do to the woman they allegedly love; they would never want them to hurt and they sure as heck would respect them and their values and not expect or ask them to sacrifice those things for an affair. They know how much this hurts you yet he ignores your requests for NC and continues to contact you. It is about HIS needs and HIS wants; not yours.

 

What are you going to do this weekend to keep your mind occupied? Do something that gets you out of the house, enjoying life and keeping busy (as much as you can).

 

I wondered the same thing, how they (mms) continue expecting the woman they apparently love so much to sacrifice everything for them. Including their self-worth? I think it's a mixture of them actually thinking things will be different but mostly I think they are just incredibly selfish. And yes, it's all about HIM. and HIS needs.

 

My weekend is jampacked which is good, busy with the kids and friends.... thank you again for checking on me... it means so much

[Bootsie]

... he sent me a long LONG message about how much he loves me that I am his should mate and that he's ready to leave his marriage now. ...QUOTE]

 

 

I'm a bit puzzled as to why you didn't reply. To me the obvious reply is something that says:

 

 

"I'm so glad to hear this. Let me know as soon as you've left, but not before, as I'll be waiting and wanting to see you then, but not before."

 

 

This puts the ball back into his court and if he contacts you without having left, you just keep repeating it while not seeing him. You don't have to keep telling him why you won't see him before he's left as he already knows. Doesn't he?

[jellybean89]

Hope you are doing well and staying strong!