temptation

[hkh8871]

I'm in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half now. We see each other 6 months out of the year and never go more than ~8 weeks without each other. Things haven't been ideal but we've considering them worth the fight and we are very happy with the relationship. I have never had an issue with our long distance and neither as he- but now I am beginning to have an issue. I set my best friend up with this guy- this perfect guy- thinking that if he is off the market i will not even be able to be tempted. Well- that plan was awful. We are all always going out together and he sleeps at my place with her and the next morning we'll all just lay on the couch and talk. Him and I are a match made in heaven. We have the same goals, beliefs, ideals and my friend (although I love her) might not be smart enough for him (although maybe im just being a bitch). My boyfriend has been so distant and unavailable lately because of work. We haven't skyped in 2 weeks and it's just getting difficult. I have told him I feel disconnected and I want to speak to him more but somehow it doesn't change much. He says he'll make time and he'll figure it out and we'll talk but somehow with the time difference (im 6 hours ahead) it never works out. I'm just confused as to what I should do. We are going on a 10 day vacation in 2 weeks and I'm hoping that'll clear things up for me emotionally, but is it normal to feel things for someone else while being with someone? I just feel awful even having these thoughts but instead of waiting for my boyfriend to message me or write me, i just wait for this other guy and get butterflies when he does. I have always had a thing for the most unavailable option so I don't want to make any decision based on an immature habit of wanting things that I can't have. I just need some advice and thoughts about this situation.

I'm not THAT girl, nor do i want to be THAT girl. I also am not the type of girl to cheat, which is why this whole situation is freaking me out because as much as my brain says one thing my heart says another. And this guy isn't my girlfriends friend- he's just a guy she has had sex with 3 times and a few days ago she called me telling me she isn't so 100% interested anymore because it's too easy and too predictable with him. I wouldn't do anything, but I just needed an outlet because keeping this inside is too hard and I wanted to know if other people have ever been in my shoes. Is it horrible that I'm upset with my boyfriend because he hasn't been paying attention to me? I always try to be understanding and during the week- ok I get it, but on the weekends he just hangs out with his friends and not once does he take the time difference into account and he just comes and goes as he pleases and then always at like 3 am my time is when he can make time and i've told him that i'm asleep and can't talk then and somehow he doesn't care. he doesn't have time to text because he's with his friends, he doesn't have time to chat. i try to be clear in what i want and what i need and he always says he understands and will do that and he doesn't. it is literally pushing me to find attention elsewhere because i'm sorry i enjoy attention it is part of the reason i am with someone. i want to talk a lot and i want to be involved and share things and have someone tell me i'm beautiful and compliment me and i want to do that vice versa.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, you're not terrible for wanting more from your boyfriend. It sounds as though you two aren't on the same page anymore. As you've described, he doesn't appear to be making much effort these days. You need to have a serious talk with him about where his heart is at. Do you want a future with him? If so, ask him if he still sees that with you. He may just be getting complacent, or he may be checking out. Neither is good, but the first issue is solvable if both people want it. Ask yourself if it's what you really want, too.

 

As far as this other guy goes, limit time spent around him. Don't hang out lying around together, even in the presence of your friend. Don't message or write him. Figure out your relationship first. If the other guy is too present in your life right now, it's a slippery slope from there. You will probably find yourself justifying your actions more and more, while subconsciously not making an effort to deal with the relationship problems. You'll likely give yourself an "out" to get too cozy with him while not breaking it off with your boyfriend.

[hkh8871]

something that just adds to it- I've confronted him and he always responds the same- that he agrees and he has to try harder. on sunday we got into a huge fight because i finally had had enough and told him that i'm not some option and that what i want is important too and he wrote me on monday saying he had neglected me since he's so busy at work and he's seeing me in 10 days but that isn't ok and he will change. what is the most worrying is that he told me on saturday he went out to dinner with his sister and her friends....he didn't elaborate more or mention anything and i just found out that my friend saw him at a club at 5 AM.......and he told his friend who asked him if he'd been good or bad and he said a bit of both but not enough to matter..........this is all freaking me out. i don't know what to think especially since we are going on this vacation. what if he cheated on me? what if that is why he has been so distant?

[ExpatInItaly]

something that just adds to it- I've confronted him and he always responds the same- that he agrees and he has to try harder. on sunday we got into a huge fight because i finally had had enough and told him that i'm not some option and that what i want is important too and he wrote me on monday saying he had neglected me since he's so busy at work and he's seeing me in 10 days but that isn't ok and he will change. what is the most worrying is that he told me on saturday he went out to dinner with his sister and her friends....he didn't elaborate more or mention anything and i just found out that my friend saw him at a club at 5 AM.......and he told his friend who asked him if he'd been good or bad and he said a bit of both but not enough to matter..........this is all freaking me out. i don't know what to think especially since we are going on this vacation. what if he cheated on me? what if that is why he has been so distant?

 

How did you find this out? I'm assuming the friend came to you? I would ask him what he did after that dinner and let him fill in the blanks. He might just own up and tell you he was out at a club. Are you comfortable asking him about what your friend said he said?

 

Yes, it's possible he's been distant because he's doing things he shouldn't be doing. But in a sense, aren't you doing the same?

[hkh8871]

i found out because the friend showed me the conversation. i don't want to tell him that though. i'm almost afraid to bring it up because we have only been fighting lately and he will for sure take it as an accusatory I'm attacking him type thing no matter how i formulate it....what are the chances he cheated? why else would he not tell me?

[Omei]

I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and I did not get to see him as much as you.

 

He said he was sorry and really busy with work prob so he CAN make this vacation with you.

 

Your drama might push him away to a point if he did do something other than "you" he may neglect to tell you like taking a break at the bar.

 

You're being silly about the guy in life putting him on a pedestal totally forgetting why you fell for your bf in the first place.

 

I think you're being needy and self sabotaging your relationship, LDR are hard and sometimes things get busy and there are times of less communication, but hes seeing you soon. You're just adding extra stress.