BS Contacting me

[Goodbye]

So, I've been healing. Its been good. As you may recall, I ditched the exMM shortly after he revealed his bull story that he was in a divorce, living separately...neither of which was true but I was oblivious given the long distance. All fine. I was done but couldn't get closure...and he kept breaking NC so I sent the BS a letter, telling her the bare facts of the H's affair. She contacted me once shortly after and asked me for some details about his trip dates/places, which I provided. This past week (over 6 weeks after the fact) she has left me 2 voice mails wanting to further discuss the affair. I have provided her with the facts already...have been healing, don't want further contact with her or him. Should I send her a certified letter telling her to not contact me? She should get rest of her data from her sweety H.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Since you chose to involve her, I think you should answer her questions. Had she found out through other means I would feel differently. I think it's incredibly selfish to involve her for your own closure and not give her the answers she needs.

[Poppygoodwill]

I think there probably is a limit to what you can choose to tell the BS, but it's also true that you opened the can of worms and it's not exactly ethical to try to slam it shut on her fingers. I think you owe her a conversation, answer her questions, then at the end tell her that you really don't want to go down the road again and you wish her well.

 

Think how she feels: OW comes out of woodwork, levels accusations. Husband denies denies denies and makes you out to be crazy/vindictive/obsessive/whatever. She's going mad trying to figure out the truth of things. Help her. YOu owe her that much at least after involving her (and sleeping with her husband)

[Tressugar]

MM and their lies never cease to amaze me! We as women need to empower ourselves and not give our power away to MM.

 

I suggest we should burn that book that all MM subscribe to.

 

Women, never believe a MM. If you see their lips moving they're lying to you!

 

If he can disrespect the woman he took his vows with, then it ain't no thing to disrespect you!

 

The minute you can comprehend that all MM will be out of business.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Tressugar

[yellowmaverick]

I am a BS. I feel that prolonged contact with you would be detrimental to her. However, I don't think that a certified letter is necessary. Tell her kindly that you have told her all that you can and that you believe that continued contact between the two of you would not be beneficial to either of you. Then stay the heck out of their lives!!

[Goodbye]

Well, I can't help but chuckle at the irony when the BS's tell the OW's how selfish they are to keep their H's secrets...leaving them in the dark, but they are selfish if they disclose the facts too. Whatever. He is the selfish one in this equation, lying to me about the status with his wife, and then lying to her to keep her in the dark. I gave her the data she wanted initially...and she thanked me. I told her I would no longer contact her, and would appreciate the same. I have no doubt that Mr. Manipulator has tried and tried to lie his way out of the very concrete data provided...I have no interest in playing he said she said with him. He is a lying douche.

[Goodbye]

I think there probably is a limit to what you can choose to tell the BS, but it's also true that you opened the can of worms and it's not exactly ethical to try to slam it shut on her fingers. I think you owe her a conversation, answer her questions, then at the end tell her that you really don't want to go down the road again and you wish her well.

 

Think how she feels: OW comes out of woodwork, levels accusations. Husband denies denies denies and makes you out to be crazy/vindictive/obsessive/whatever. She's going mad trying to figure out the truth of things. Help her. YOu owe her that much at least after involving her (and sleeping with her husband)

 

 

Well, she was given pretty concrete data. If she choses to not believe her H has had a lengthy affair including telling me he was divorcing her at HER choice...she has the data.

[QuakerOats]

Well, I can't help but chuckle at the irony when the BS's tell the OW's how selfish they are to keep their H's secrets...leaving them in the dark, but they are selfish if they disclose the facts too. Whatever. He is the selfish one in this equation, lying to me about the status with his wife, and then lying to her to keep her in the dark. I gave her the data she wanted initially...and she thanked me. I told her I would no longer contact her, and would appreciate the same. I have no doubt that Mr. Manipulator has tried and tried to lie his way out of the very concrete data provided...I have no interest in playing he said she said with him. He is a lying douche.

 

 

So true. I see that double standard over and over again on here. Don't tell her, you selfish b*tch! You MUST tell her, she needs to know her "reality" so she can make informed decision about her life. You can't win...just tell her to not contact you ever again.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

His actions stand on their own as do yours. Contacting her to disclose, then setting your own parameters isn't exactly fair. You chose to involve her so see it through. Unless its just all about you and your feelings.which you've made quite clear, I guess.

[Goodbye]

Yes, well she already contacted me once with her laundry list of specific questions. I obliged and answered them honestly and completely. I guess I don't think she needs open ended access to me. I will return her call, and I will answer questions within reason and then it is done. Again, it isn't all about my feelings...but my feelings do matter. Afterall, don't the BS's want us to move on and not fixate on their H's? Well, that is what I'm doing.

[jwi71]

Yes, well she already contacted me once with her laundry list of specific questions. I obliged and answered them honestly and completely. I guess I don't think she needs open ended access to me. I will return her call, and I will answer questions within reason and then it is done. Again, it isn't all about my feelings...but my feelings do matter. Afterall, don't the BS's want us to move on and not fixate on their H's? Well, that is what I'm doing.

 

Generous of you.

 

I would add, at the end of the call, you are no longer willing to communicate with her for all the reasons you listed here.

[Goodbye]

Generous of you.

 

I would add, at the end of the call, you are no longer willing to communicate with her for all the reasons you listed here.

 

 

Yes. I agree.

[WakingUp]

Goodbye, this is an honest question....

 

 

Do you regret telling her? How do you feel about it now? Did it help bring you closure, or clear your conscience to get the truth on the table? Do you feel compassion for her, or would you just like it all to go away?

 

 

I am genuinely interested in this. I have followed your story, and I know that you took a long time to reach the decision to tell her.

 

 

You may remember my story. Its been very messy and isn't over yet.

[WakingUp]

Well, I can't help but chuckle at the irony when the BS's tell the OW's how selfish they are to keep their H's secrets...leaving them in the dark, but they are selfish if they disclose the facts too. Whatever. He is the selfish one in this equation, lying to me about the status with his wife, and then lying to her to keep her in the dark. I gave her the data she wanted initially...and she thanked me. I told her I would no longer contact her, and would appreciate the same. I have no doubt that Mr. Manipulator has tried and tried to lie his way out of the very concrete data provided...I have no interest in playing he said she said with him. He is a lying douche.

 

 

 

I have no doubt that she is coming to you for answers as she doesn't believe whatever he is telling her. The poor woman is probably completely confused as she is being lied to and knows it. I really think that you have done what needed to be done and it is time to turn your back on the whole episode. You have given her the truth, it is their marriage and its down to them to sort it out.

 

 

Facts are facts, with or without the details. I think giving any more information than necessary could well be very hurtful for her. As they say, something learned cannot be unlearned. Leave them to it.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye, this is an honest question....

 

 

Do you regret telling her? How do you feel about it now? Did it help bring you closure, or clear your conscience to get the truth on the table? Do you feel compassion for her, or would you just like it all to go away?

 

 

I am genuinely interested in this. I have followed your story, and I know that you took a long time to reach the decision to tell her.

 

 

You may remember my story. Its been very messy and isn't over yet

 

I do not regret it at the moment. If this current situation continues, I may start to regret it.

 

It didn't bring me "closure," but it did stop him from contacting me. He'd become creative in his means of getting in contact with me, would break NC and I'd have a whole new grief cycle each time. So, getting off that merry go round has helped, it has been a few weeks since I told her and I haven't heard from him once...not a single bread crumb and I think of him less and less each day.

 

I do think I did the right thing for her. She told me I did. I had told the exMM that he had to do it, and he claimed he did, but I figured out over time that that was also fiction. She had no real idea, but did "suspect" something with his travel.

 

My goal now is to keep moving on. I don't want to be dragged back in.

 

I do resent the insinuation that I "inserted myself in their relationship." Had I known the truth, we wouldn't have had the relationship we had. I don't consider telling the BS the absolute truth in an effort to end her H's campaign to draw me back in only to keep me in reserve, a "mean" thing to do to the BS. I just don't.

 

Would I recommend the same thing to other OW? I don't know.

 

The hardest part of the healing process is that I have very little trust now.

[jellybean89]

Well, she was given pretty concrete data. If she choses to not believe her H has had a lengthy affair including telling me he was divorcing her at HER choice...she has the data.

 

She may have 'data' but who knows what her H is telling her. Why in the world would you imply that she is wrong to doubt her H? Maybe he took the data and destroyed it? Maybe he is saying you invented or doctored the data? Is it really that hard for you to find some compassion for what she is enduring? Look how angry you were over being duped by a MM who has no legal obligation to you? Is it really that hard to return her call and either provide her answers or tell her that you don't wish to be contacted anymore?

His actions stand on their own as do yours. Contacting her to disclose, then setting your own parameters isn't exactly fair. You chose to involve her so see it through. Unless its just all about you and your feelings.which you've made quite clear, I guess.

 

Agree.

 

Yes, well she already contacted me once with her laundry list of specific questions. I obliged and answered them honestly and completely. I guess I don't think she needs open ended access to me. I will return her call, and I will answer questions within reason and then it is done. Again, it isn't all about my feelings...but my feelings do matter. Afterall, don't the BS's want us to move on and not fixate on their H's? Well, that is what I'm doing.

 

Her 'laundry list'? Why do you have anger towards her? She was duped too! She has been lied to and deceived by her spouse! She never asked for 'open access' to her. She is calling you again for any number of reasons:

 

1. clarification

2. specific question about specific incident

3. wondering if the affair has restarted

4. tell you he was kicked out (giving you a heads up that he may be headed your way).

 

Are you mad she chose to possibly reconcile with him? What has she done to you specifically that has upset you so much?

 

As pointed out, you wanted closure and contacted her...is it so bad that she is now doing the same thing? You said you previously provided her with specifics about "some details about his trip dates/places, which I provided." Its been 6 weeks and her entire life has imploded! She is being told probably a completely different story by her H (versus what you provided to her). Can you put yourself in her shoes and give her a final opportunity to find some answers, some "closure"?

 

I get that you are angry at him for being lied to...but she didn't lie to you. She didn't hurt you - he did.

[dubliner]

Yes, well she already contacted me once with her laundry list of specific questions. I obliged and answered them honestly and completely. I guess I don't think she needs open ended access to me. I will return her call, and I will answer questions within reason and then it is done. Again, it isn't all about my feelings...but my feelings do matter. Afterall, don't the BS's want us to move on and not fixate on their H's? Well, that is what I'm doing.

 

Goodbye, I can totally understand why you need to draw the line and cease contact, for your own closure.

As a bs in the past, the initial shock of discovery and information was quite overwhelming even though I suspected for a long time prior to dday. Months later once I'd processed the whole thing, I had many questions I wanted to ask the OW as WH minimised and gaslighted. The OW however had told me never to contact her and I respected that. To this day I don't have the full truth and although now it ceases to matter to me, I do feel at the time I would have benefited tremendously from just five minutes of her time to answer a few questions honestly, something my exH could never do.

[whichwayisup]

So, I've been healing. Its been good. As you may recall, I ditched the exMM shortly after he revealed his bull story that he was in a divorce, living separately...neither of which was true but I was oblivious given the long distance. All fine. I was done but couldn't get closure...and he kept breaking NC so I sent the BS a letter, telling her the bare facts of the H's affair. She contacted me once shortly after and asked me for some details about his trip dates/places, which I provided. This past week (over 6 weeks after the fact) she has left me 2 voice mails wanting to further discuss the affair. I have provided her with the facts already...have been healing, don't want further contact with her or him. Should I send her a certified letter telling her to not contact me? She should get rest of her data from her sweety H.

 

Respectfully since you sent her information about your A and her husband, and even though you've answered some of her questions in the past, I think you should talk to her again. Let her know this is the last time as you just want to move on and forget the past and heal.

[NotOW35]

She may have 'data' but who knows what her H is telling her. Why in the world would you imply that she is wrong to doubt her H? Maybe he took the data and destroyed it? Maybe he is saying you invented or doctored the data? Is it really that hard for you to find some compassion for what she is enduring? Look how angry you were over being duped by a MM who has no legal obligation to you? Is it really that hard to return her call and either provide her answers or tell her that you don't wish to be contacted anymore?

 

 

Agree.

 

 

 

Her 'laundry list'? Why do you have anger towards her? She was duped too! She has been lied to and deceived by her spouse! She never asked for 'open access' to her. She is calling you again for any number of reasons:

 

1. clarification

2. specific question about specific incident

3. wondering if the affair has restarted

4. tell you he was kicked out (giving you a heads up that he may be headed your way).

 

Are you mad she chose to possibly reconcile with him? What has she done to you specifically that has upset you so much?

 

As pointed out, you wanted closure and contacted her...is it so bad that she is now doing the same thing? You said you previously provided her with specifics about "some details about his trip dates/places, which I provided." Its been 6 weeks and her entire life has imploded! She is being told probably a completely different story by her H (versus what you provided to her). Can you put yourself in her shoes and give her a final opportunity to find some answers, some "closure"?

 

I get that you are angry at him for being lied to...but she didn't lie to you. She didn't hurt you - he did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh my god, the irony. You jump down the throats of women who think of telling the W, and you jump down their throats when they do, and now if they don't give the W free access? It is never "enough" or "right" in your minds...seriously. This is one of those things that gets debated here like every week and every week its the same crap. Basically, the BS is some saint to be worshipped and glorified and the OW can not possibly address her "the right way."

 

The OP did the brave thing and contacted the BS when the H WOULDN"T LEAVE HER ALONE. She answered her questions. She didn't send some anonymous text, she didn't stalk the BS. She did fine. If she wants to communicate with the BS further, up to her. BS should probably get counseling and work on her marriage and let the OW heal. As the BS's like to say, "Stop inserting yourself in the OW's life."

[notserene]

 

The OP did the brave thing and contacted the BS when the H WOULDN"T LEAVE HER ALONE. She answered her questions. She didn't send some anonymous text, she didn't stalk the BS. She did fine. If she wants to communicate with the BS further, up to her. BS should probably get counseling and work on her marriage and let the OW heal. As the BS's like to say, "Stop inserting yourself in the OW's life."

 

I hate to be that person who says "you did it first!" but it seems to apply here. Oh my God, the irony.

[gettingstronger]

I remember your story very well- when you found out he was married, you ended it-he continued to intrude in YOUR life-you contacted the wife in an effort to end those intrusions-as you recall I have a similar story in our OW would not stop intruding in our lives so I told her husband-

 

Now our stories have taken a similar turn again-her husband contacted me again a while later to testify at their divorce- I declined- my whole point in disclosing to him was to get them out of our lives-I did not want to continue to be part of their drama-

 

I believe reconciliation (or divorce) to be a personal matter-I do not believe you need to continue to be part of their lives. You gave her the information she needed to begin some very important conversations with her husband. What happens between them now is their gig. You have more than paid the price for trusting someone. In my mind you have done everything about as right as you could have.

 

Good luck to you-

[NotOW35]

I hate to be that person who says "you did it first!" but it seems to apply here. Oh my God, the irony.

 

 

 

Huh? I don't understand your response.

[Goodbye]

I remember your story very well- when you found out he was married, you ended it-he continued to intrude in YOUR life-you contacted the wife in an effort to end those intrusions-as you recall I have a similar story in our OW would not stop intruding in our lives so I told her husband-

 

Now our stories have taken a similar turn again-her husband contacted me again a while later to testify at their divorce- I declined- my whole point in disclosing to him was to get them out of our lives-I did not want to continue to be part of their drama-

 

I believe reconciliation (or divorce) to be a personal matter-I do not believe you need to continue to be part of their lives. You gave her the information she needed to begin some very important conversations with her husband. What happens between them now is their gig. You have more than paid the price for trusting someone. In my mind you have done everything about as right as you could have.

 

Good luck to you-

 

 

 

GS, thanks. I've always appreciated your insights. I have a feeling that, like with you, it is her attempt to drag me into a divorce. Am I willing to do so? Gawd, I don't know. When I started this mess I thought they were already divorcing and SHE was the initiator, so this is a surreal.

 

I agree with you that I gave her enough facts to work with...she now knows where he was on four separate "business trips" and I supplied proof. I've deleted most of my email, but I have a feeling he'd manage to convince her those weren't real since he used multiple emails. Anyway, I do feel like I'm going to need to work hard on putting this all to rest again.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Oh my god, the irony. You jump down the throats of women who think of telling the W, and you jump down their throats when they do, and now if they don't give the W free access? It is never "enough" or "right" in your minds...seriously. This is one of those things that gets debated here like every week and every week its the same crap. Basically, the BS is some saint to be worshipped and glorified and the OW can not possibly address her "the right way."

 

The OP did the brave thing and contacted the BS when the H WOULDN"T LEAVE HER ALONE. She answered her questions. She didn't send some anonymous text, she didn't stalk the BS. She did fine. If she wants to communicate with the BS further, up to her. BS should probably get counseling and work on her marriage and let the OW heal. As the BS's like to say, "Stop inserting yourself in the OW's life."

 

The OW chose to include the W by revealing the A. The MM was lying to both women. The OW needed closure and hoped revealing would keep her XBF from contacting her. The response from the W could have been anything actually and OP took her chances. From her account the W handled it fairly well, and without malice. Unfortunately, I think she may have mistook the OP's actions and thought she was revealing as an act of altruism toward the W. The woman is trying to sort out the truth, the OP is over it and NOW wants to move on. It's certainly her perogative to drop the bomb and disappear but she's leaving the W in a bad place. A place that she is at least somewhat responsible for by revealing. It seems the right thing to do is to give her the info she needs. It's my understanding that the OP didn't realize that the MM was actively married.

[Goodbye]

Huh? I don't understand your response.

 

 

 

yeah, I don't understand either. Did she mean you acted first or I did. If it was directed at me; well yes. I did contact her and tell her of her H's affair. I answered her questions with proof. I'm not sure that this is a game of "tag, you're it." I think its just two hurt women trying to put an end to their emotional misery over one man.