BS Contacting me

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I totally think you made the right choice. I could see the request of the meeting if you were still contacting her H but you are completely done. This seems very bizarre to me, and I don't think the motivation is her healing anymore. You should trust your gut on this and stay away from them.

 

He's lying and gaslighting her. The OW is a crazy person who he was nice to, tried to help out and she wanted more. Now she's trying to ruin his marriage because he turned her down. Why else would she call her then refuse to talk. I can hear it now.

 

So, OP, now you can move on, knowing his wife has been alerted. By the way, it doesn't work to try to punish a cheater by hurting their spouse! They have no empathy, they might be inconvenienced but only the spouse is harmed.

[Hope Shimmers]

He's lying and gaslighting her. The OW is a crazy person who he was nice to, tried to help out and she wanted more. Now she's trying to ruin his marriage because he turned her down. Why else would she call her then refuse to talk. I can hear it now.

 

So, OP, now you can move on, knowing his wife has been alerted. By the way, it doesn't work to try to punish a cheater by hurting their spouse! They have no empathy, they might be inconvenienced but only the spouse is harmed.

 

I think you need to read the thread.

[forbidden_love]

My mms bs called me from mms mobile and texted me. Not sure what she wanted to gain being as i had already told her the truth. Then she wanted us all to have a nice meeting in a kids football grounds. Wtf. She still believes him i guess. I refused and offered to meet her alone. She refused. Why she used his phone when i had her number confuses me. Guess these things make you crazy ):

[Goodbye]

He's lying and gaslighting her. The OW is a crazy person who he was nice to, tried to help out and she wanted more. Now she's trying to ruin his marriage because he turned her down. Why else would she call her then refuse to talk. I can hear it now.

 

So, OP, now you can move on, knowing his wife has been alerted. By the way, it doesn't work to try to punish a cheater by hurting their spouse! They have no empathy, they might be inconvenienced but only the spouse is harmed.

 

 

I have no desire to punish the W; frankly I feel badly for her, but I'd like her to leave me alone. I totally agree with you that he has been gaslighting away and she is probably very confused. Still, she has enough hard data to know her H has stepped out of the marriage. She should really "peel her own onion" and decide if that is something with which she can recover and trust again.

 

The only way I can really "punish" the cheater is by living a good life without him. I do think he is obsessed with me on some level and he will never be able to rekindle anything with me...ever.

[Goodbye]

My mms bs called me from mms mobile and texted me. Not sure what she wanted to gain being as i had already told her the truth. Then she wanted us all to have a nice meeting in a kids football grounds. Wtf. She still believes him i guess. I refused and offered to meet her alone. She refused. Why she used his phone when i had her number confuses me. Guess these things make you crazy ):

 

 

There seems to be a desperation to believe it isn't true, or that somehow the WS was a victim. I know its hard to realize the one you married was not faithful, but the extent of the denial baffles me.

[Sub]

It's possible she doesn't believe anything from anyone at this point. As a BS, I think you've done more than enough. But who's to say what the limit is on information someone needs to heal or move on? I don't think it's completely unnatural for her to go to the one source that's been forthcoming with her. Unfortunately, that's you. Not sure why she has to fly to see you, though. Reminds me of a mother grabbing her son by the ear and walking him somewhere to see if his story's straight.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think you need to read the thread.

 

I've read the thread, thanks.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think you need to read the thread.

 

Sorry IfWishesWereHorses. I totally misread your post. I thought you were stating that first paragraph as truth and it made no sense to me, but after re-reading it a couple of times I think you are stating what he probably told her. My apologies!

[Goodbye]

It's possible she doesn't believe anything from anyone at this point. As a BS, I think you've done more than enough. But who's to say what the limit is on information someone needs to heal or move on? I don't think it's completely unnatural for her to go to the one source that's been forthcoming with her. Unfortunately, that's you. Not sure why she has to fly to see you, though. Reminds me of a mother grabbing her son by the ear and walking him somewhere to see if his story's straight.

 

 

Listen, I completely understand her curiosity. Her desire for answers. I understand because he gaslighted the living daylights out of me. I did things and believed things that look completely FOOLISH in hindsight, but seemed real and wonderful at the time. I'm ashamed to tell my story anywhere but on anonymous websites because I look like a gullible idiot; but I know what he told me and I know how it felt. So, with that said, I fully understand and appreciate that she is pulled all over the place and feeling like she needs answers. I just can't be the one to give them to her anymore. If I seem bitter or pissy, I'm not really. More so, I just don't want to relapse into feeling like the pathetic used OW I recently was.

[Ailsa1983]

Goodbye - please don't explain yourself to these people, they don't know you or the whole story as I doubt you have posted everything that has been said and done (staying anonymous of course)

 

Regarding his wife it's obvious "happy" she is not otherwise there was no need to call you, yes you screwed up but look after yourself you owe them nothing it's their problem not yours.

 

Wishing you well and peace

Edited April 22, 2014 by Ailsa1983

[underpants]

I don't think you have heard the last from her or him.

 

Drowning people and all that. You don't want to make yourself a go to for her to contact any time a new revelation, doubt or trigger surfaces by being available.

 

Given what you have stated she should have enough truth to put the pieces together and make her own decisions. Like you said, peel her own onion. This call was not a truth seeking mission but a meeting request, and that does not seem rational.

 

Can you change your phone number? Then you could be blissfully unaware of any attempts.

 

He probably is lying or omitting truths to her. Or she wants a confrontation for some reason that will solve nothing.

 

Her 'we are happy' is a lie. At best it is a defense mechinism, but it is not honest, not genuine.

 

If she gave you the May dates I might make plans to be out of town, just in case.

 

Get to June

[whichwayisup]

With all due respect, in my opinion you're missing the point. The point is that if she can't get the truth from her H and has to keep on contacting the OW for answers to her questions, then maybe she shouldn't be "reconciling" in the first place. The OP owes her nothing. I disagree that the BS is the only innocent in all of this... the OP was lied to about his intent to divorce.

 

The BS did not reach out to her first. Goodbye contacted her as a last resort to get exMM to leave her alone and she offered to talk to the BS and answer her questions if she had any. The BS reached out a second time many months later (aka this thread), so it's not like this has been continuous and the BS has been harassing her for months and months.

 

I do think now the book has to close and everybody has to move on, NC in place for good.

[jwi71]

Update:

 

So, the BS called me today on my HOME phone number. I answered because I didn't want her to think this was an "ok" way to get in contact with me given I've got kids who sometimes answer that line.

 

I heard her out and this is what she wants: She wants to meet me with her H. They are coming to the east in May and she wants all of us to discuss what happened. My response: Absolutely no. I suggested that if she has THAT many questions about her H, perhaps she should be calling divorce lawyers and not the exOW. She said they were "happy." Ok. So, hearing her made me sick. My gut response was to call the exMM! And tell him to manage his own freakin' messed up situation. But, I did not. Thankfully. I have blocked her number (although she has numerous) from my land line now. Done, done, done with that crazy stuff. If she "needs" to talk to me, she can get a court order.

 

WTH?

 

I can't fathom WHY this "three-way" conference is needed or even WHAT could be achieved ? The ONLY thing I can figure is she wants the non-verbal cues. And the suggests she has doubts. You provided all any BS could ask - nothing left to do or say from your PoV.

 

I too suspect she come back. Sad for her. Sad for you. Sad all around. If she does I would politley say "There is nothing left for me to say that helps anyone. Please do NOT contact me again. This is unwanted."

She does it again - time to get a lawyer to send off a letter.

 

You have done, in my view, more than any BS could ask and as such you owe her nothing else. Time to move on.

[Hope Shimmers]

The BS did not reach out to her first. Goodbye contacted her as a last resort to get exMM to leave her alone and she offered to talk to the BS and answer her questions if she had any. The BS reached out a second time many months later (aka this thread), so it's not like this has been continuous and the BS has been harassing her for months and months.

 

I understand that.

 

I just think it's a bit ironic that the OW contacting the ex-MM for answers is looked at as "inserting herself into their life" but when the BS contacts the OW for answers, it's all understandable because she's healing. I also think that months down the road, the WS should be supplying those answers (especially when they are "happy") or there is a problem with denial. Just my opinion.

 

This OW did nothing wrong. She was lied to and is just as much a victim as the BS.

[gettingstronger]

I just think it's a bit ironic that the OW contacting the ex-MM for answers is looked at as "inserting herself into their life" but when the BS contacts the OW for answers, it's all understandable because she's healing.

 

 

There is no irony- the OW who knew she was getting involved in someone elses marriage should if asked to leave the situation and have no contact, should do so-she knows what she signed up for, the BS did not have a say in the matter-

 

However, this situation is different- contact was made after Goodbye tried in good faith to have the MM leave her alone- I understand the BS wanting answers and although I do not fault her for asking, GB is within her rights to say no-

 

Now about the update- no way should you attend a meeting with the two of them- again- I believe reconciliation to be a personal matter and I see no good coming from this- I agree with the others that if you have the dates they will be there try to change up your schedule or perhaps send a no contact letter to both of them making it clear you do not wish to see them when they are in town- I understand the BS may feel like you owe her but I disagree- she needs to re-read the part where her husband lied and said he was getting a divorce, thats about all the info she needs to make her decision-

[Goodbye]

Fortunately they wouldn't be coming to my town. They were actually coming to a city a good distance from me and wanted me to meet them there. It be very disturbed if they were offering up a visit to my rural location.

 

I am not meeting with them. That is too much.

 

Funny, I came down this morning and there was a delivery from ProFlowers on my front step. I almost took the box and dumped it in the garbage assuming it was some insane attempt to keep me on the hook still in hopes of me not telling the W all. Well, fortunately I read the card because they were from my older brother...so random, but I think we intuitively know when the other is having a tough time.

[gettingstronger]

They were actually coming to a city a good distance from me and wanted me to meet them there.

 

 

Did they want you to pick them up from the airport too? Sheesh- what in the world- travel a long distance to answer their questions-

 

Enjoy your day and your flowers-

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Do not meet with these people. I understand her wanting the truth, but I think you have done enough. she is struggling and I get that, but no good is going to come from this. She will have to decide whether to believe you or her husband and if you have differing stories how will that help matters? If she is reconciling, she has to believe her husband. No amount of words from you will help this cause.

 

What a mess.

[ThatMan]

I just think it's a bit ironic that the OW contacting the ex-MM for answers is looked at as "inserting herself into their life" but when the BS contacts the OW for answers, it's all understandable because she's healing.

 

No, it isn't ironic. Affairs happen in the first place because of unhealthy boundaries. This is why there's so often a weird triangle of multiple people inserting themselves into the lives of others. The other women out there are equally culpable as the betrayed spouses who are intrusive.

[Hope Shimmers]

No, it isn't ironic. Affairs happen in the first place because of unhealthy boundaries. This is why there's so often a weird triangle of multiple people inserting themselves into the lives of others. The other women out there are equally culpable as the betrayed spouses who are intrusive.

 

I concede that is true in some cases, but not all. Don't get me wrong - I do not think affairs are right. But I think it's too black and white to state that affairs always happen "because of unhealthy boundaries". In the case of OW/OM who go into it knowing that it is just for fun, for sex, for "cake eating" then I agree. But I think there are many A's that happen because the WS leads the OW/OM to believe they are divorcing and there will be a future.

 

OW/OM in this case may be naive, and I was once as I believed that a man who was separated would divorce. (That's what I did, so it never struck me that it wouldn't happen in his case). I learned the hard way not to date a man who didn't have 2 year old divorce papers in hand, and I think others have had to learn the same lesson. It sucks.

 

There are different levels of culpability I suppose, because perhaps the WS really intended to get a D - who knows. Lots of gray.

 

Even in the situation where the OW/OM believes the WS will be divorcing, there is frequently not a specific line in the sand when the OW/OM can say with certainty that it will never happen, because the WS keeps stringing the OW/OM along with "excuses". I doubt that many BS's hear the full story of what the WS really said and did during the A, at least not from the WS. I know the BS in my case didn't.

 

If the WS deserves a second chance for reconciliation, then he/she must not be all bad, and the same can be said for the OW/OM. After having been lied to/strung along by this same WS, I think they deserve some answers too.

 

We can agree to disagree.

[jellybean89]

Goodbye,

 

I am glad you answered the call and heard what she was asking.

 

Like you know the MM is a skilled liar and manipulator. There is no doubt he has told his wife all kinds of bullsheet to keep her with him and while yes, she needs to "peel the onion layers" to find the truth because we all know HE is not going to tell her the truth. That is what is laughable about so many who state to "ask the MM/cheater". As IF he would tell the truth when trying to save his behind.

 

You did the right thing IMHO and I agree, no need for a meeting. That's ridiculous within itself...and you never know, MM may have been the one to suggest it -- so he can play happy hubby in front of you to hurt you. He's a sick and twisted MF'er.