Quick Question - Deadline!

[cocorico]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

 

I think ultimata are futile, and ultimately unsustainable. If someone is ready to leave a R, they'll leave. If they're not, they won't be able to - even if they leave in the short-term, they will feel pressurised and have unfinished business and will not be happy with their "decision". They will likely have doubts, may oscillate going back and forth between he vestigial and the new R, and may even return to the vestigial R.

 

Rather, I am all for communicating how you feel, and your own needs. If you are wanting a FT commitment, then say so. Your SO can either meet that, or demur. If they postpone, saying they will be ready by X date in the future, you can decide whether that meets your needs or not, but ultimately you need to decide if the R as it currently stands meets your needs now or not - and if not, it's time to move on.

 

I did not give any ultimata. When I reached a point where I wanted to be together FT, I said so. He was at that same point, so we discussed what we'd need to do to get there, and how long that might take. And then we put that plan into place, so the outcome is we are now together. I'm sure if either of us had pushed an ultimatum at the other, we likely would not be together.

[Sub]

I did not give any ultimata. When I reached a point where I wanted to be together FT, I said so.

 

What would have happened if he wasn't at the same point, though?

[cocorico]

What would have happened if he wasn't at the same point, though?

 

I would have been faced with the choice of continuing as things were - and, possibly, becoming frustrated if I wanted "more" - or ending things and looking elsewhere. As with any other R which diverges, when you reach a point where you realise that what you each want is different to what the other wants. It's no big deal IMO.

[Sub]

I would have been faced with the choice of continuing as things were - and, possibly, becoming frustrated if I wanted "more" - or ending things and looking elsewhere. As with any other R which diverges, when you reach a point where you realise that what you each want is different to what the other wants. It's no big deal IMO.

 

Understood. But I think some may interpret the second option(ending things and looking elsewhere if he wasn't at the same point) as a form of an ultimatum. You were fortunate enough to not get to that point.

[NotOW35]

I really don't get why people in affairs develop expectations that the relationship willever be anything more than what it is at the very beginning. the number of affairs that ever become primary relationships is tiny. Although I do blame the married partner (assuming the AP is unmarried) for future faking and similar behavior that causes unmarried APs to push.

 

 

Because those husbands of yours pursue the OW with very romantic and very real promises. They also do stuff like lie about what incredible b*tches you are and how they are going to divorce you like yesterday's prize if not for X,Y,Z. At first you believe it and XYZ seem real. You invest yourself, your time, your love and your whole self only to realize that XYZ are not attainable and the MM is going to stay with the woman he speaks about like she is his buddy from the gym. We aren't the delusional crazed women you'd like the think we are...that would be too hard for you to think that YOUR husband, the one who married you, pledged his fidelity to you, is actually out CHASING other women with very credible stories and lots of promises. The MM don't call it "future faking." They call it planning their futures and it surely doesn't feel like faking when it happens. Need I remind you they are faking with you too?

[notserene]

Because those husbands of yours pursue the OW with very romantic and very real promises. They also do stuff like lie about what incredible b*tches you are and how they are going to divorce you like yesterday's prize if not for X,Y,Z. At first you believe it and XYZ seem real. You invest yourself, your time, your love and your whole self only to realize that XYZ are not attainable and the MM is going to stay with the woman he speaks about like she is his buddy from the gym. We aren't the delusional crazed women you'd like the think we are...that would be too hard for you to think that YOUR husband, the one who married you, pledged his fidelity to you, is actually out CHASING other women with very credible stories and lots of promises. The MM don't call it "future faking." They call it planning their futures and it surely doesn't feel like faking when it happens. Need I remind you they are faking with you too?

 

I hope you feel better now.

[NotOW35]

Yes, well I suppose my rant was more for Olivia, whom you were addressing in your quote.

[eye of the storm]

Sub, I understand what you mean. But I see it as a small difference but a very important difference.

 

An ultimatum is you do this or else. Leaving a relationship that no longer meets your needs is exercising your choice for yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person. You are saying "I am doing this". Not "you do that".

 

IMHO

.

[Nothisgirl]

Because those husbands of yours pursue the OW with very romantic and very real promises. They also do stuff like lie about what incredible b*tches you are and how they are going to divorce you like yesterday's prize if not for X,Y,Z. At first you believe it and XYZ seem real. You invest yourself, your time, your love and your whole self only to realize that XYZ are not attainable and the MM is going to stay with the woman he speaks about like she is his buddy from the gym. We aren't the delusional crazed women you'd like the think we are...that would be too hard for you to think that YOUR husband, the one who married you, pledged his fidelity to you, is actually out CHASING other women with very credible stories and lots of promises. The MM don't call it "future faking." They call it planning their futures and it surely doesn't feel like faking when it happens. Need I remind you they are faking with you too?

 

This is quite harsh but most often true, I know as a BS it's hard to hear (I was one of those too) but is most often than not how the mm "ropes" the ow in...promises and revelations..proclamations of love and soul mates and typically a hard story about how they love their w like a BFF, how they love them but are not in love and how they live like roommates...that or their W is an evil wretched bitch...I realize this not always the case, I'm just pointing out that this actually happens. All the time. so while notow35 may come across angry it's the constant berating we face as ow (not saying some of it is not warranted) that gets you down, it's the feeling of responsibility we shoulder while most mm seemingly walk away scot free....sometimes you need to let the truth of what goes on in your A out.

 

Hugs to you notow35

 

Sub, I understand what you mean. But I see it as a small difference but a very important difference.

 

An ultimatum is you do this or else. Leaving a relationship that no longer meets your needs is exercising your choice for yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person. You are saying "I am doing this". Not "you do that".

 

IMHO

.

 

^ this x 1000

[waterwoman]

Understood. But I think some may interpret the second option(ending things and looking elsewhere if he wasn't at the same point) as a form of an ultimatum.

 

Well that is unfortunate I guess, but what is the alternative? If you don't like a situation, you can put up with it, change it, or stop it. If you aren't willing to do 1, and 2 isn't within your power, you have to choose 3.

[Sub]

An ultimatum is you do this or else. Leaving a relationship that no longer meets your needs is exercising your choice for yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person. You are saying "I am doing this". Not "you do that".

 

IMHO

.

 

I see your point, but I think there's a lot of grey area. Ultimatum's can be "unspoken". And no matter what, relationship decisions ALWAYS have to do with the other person. They either were or weren't willing to meet your needs. You don't have to necessarily say the exact words for someone to understand your terms for the R. If the other person said "I'm ready and want the R to move forward and be at point A", I would take that as a form of ultimatum. They didn't need to say "or I'm leaving."

[WasOtherWoman]

So, no ultimatum's in our situation, but, prior to beginning our relationship, I made it pretty clear that I would most likely find being an OW fairly distasteful and probably couldn't hack it for very long (being the selfish and demanding person that I know myself to be).

 

We began our affair, fell in love pretty darn quickly and he began making plans to leave. There was never a deadline as in, x/xx/xxxx, but more like these three things need to be finalized before I can leave. He kept me informed as to their progress (cause otherwise, what the heck was I waiting around for), when they were all complete he left.

 

Being a very strategic person, my MM also recognized that, the longer he stayed married, the higher the potential that I would begin to develop resentment towards him, which he did not want.

 

Our situation was not "leave your wife or else" it was more "you won't be having a wife and THIS mistress for very long, so pick one and move on".

[chelsea2011]

Well that is unfortunate I guess, but what is the alternative? If you don't like a situation, you can put up with it, change it, or stop it. If you aren't willing to do 1, and 2 isn't within your power, you have to choose 3.

 

I agree with this 100%. Taking care of yourself is not an unltimatum - it's taking care of yourself. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[chelsea2011]

Chelsea2011, yea I admit, it was a rough patch. It caused us to discuss boundaries. I admitted I didn't have the right to tell him who he could date. He admitted hitting on my roommate was probably not the smartest thing he had done.

 

Just like this thread is about, As the OW, I do not have the right to tell him what he can/can't do. I can only tell him what is acceptable/not acceptable to me.

 

Him dating my roommate was not acceptable to me so I ended it. He has since decided that she was not worth ending our relationship over so he has made amends and agreed to only date outside my circle. It was an acceptable agreement to me so I took him back.

 

Just kidding.

 

Hey, if that works for ya then that's great. I felt bad for you having to deal with that situation. Not a fun thing. Enjoy.

 

Thread jack over. No points.

[cocorico]

Understood. But I think some may interpret the second option(ending things and looking elsewhere if he wasn't at the same point) as a form of an ultimatum. You were fortunate enough to not get to that point.

 

An ultimatum involves demanding someone do (or not do) something, failing which here will be a consequence: "if you don't leave your M by June, I will end our R" (or similar). Saying, " I've reached a point in the R where I'd really like us to be together full-time" is not the same - it is neither making a demand, nor issuing the threat of consequence. It is simply communicating where you are at.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Originally Posted by NotOW35 View Post

Because those husbands of yours pursue the OW with very romantic and very real promises. They also do stuff like lie about what incredible b*tches you are and how they are going to divorce you like yesterday's prize if not for X,Y,Z. At first you believe it and XYZ seem real. You invest yourself, your time, your love and your whole self only to realize that XYZ are not attainable and the MM is going to stay with the woman he speaks about like she is his buddy from the gym. We aren't the delusional crazed women you'd like the think we are...that would be too hard for you to think that YOUR husband, the one who married you, pledged his fidelity to you, is actually out CHASING other women with very credible stories and lots of promises. The MM don't call it "future faking." They call it planning their futures and it surely doesn't feel like faking when it happens. Need I remind you they are faking with you too?

 

Yes, well I suppose my rant was more for Olivia, whom you were addressing in your quote.

 

Not sure why this rant was for me?? Doesn't address anything I said at all. I know how the game works and I know how OW go into these situations with their eyes closed and the ears open. Because the sweet promises feel better than the truth. The lies go both ways. This is nothing new.