Finding closure makes things worse or better? [update]

[Elle1975]

Whatever you think the reason is for a break up, don't try and force it onto someone. You were not there, you don't know the reason behind one's break up.

 

I give my opinion; sometimes people agree, sometimes they don't. We're all entitled to believe whatever we want, but fighting over that, is it really worth it... Especially when I feel that the intent of this threat is now to hurt other people's feelings.. not cool.

[FredJones80]

Anyways to rant about the reasons on the closure. 1. So what if we are different? alot of people are different

 

Opposites attract, its fine and it happens, who wants to be with someone who is exactly like themselves? How boring.

 

The height thing is ridiculous. If that was an issue then she isn't the girl for you, love doesn't hold those types of restrictions.

 

Her parents opinion shouldn't matter... unless she's like 15? Plenty of people date people who their parents don't approve of, so what? grow some balls and date the person you want to.

 

It sounds more like this girl isn't deserving of you...

 

BTW, its true, nice guys always finish last.. I know this to my peril.

[SCJACK]

Opposites attract, its fine and it happens, who wants to be with someone who is exactly like themselves? How boring.

 

The height thing is ridiculous. If that was an issue then she isn't the girl for you, love doesn't hold those types of restrictions.

 

Her parents opinion shouldn't matter... unless she's like 15? Plenty of people date people who their parents don't approve of, so what? grow some balls and date the person you want to.

 

It sounds more like this girl isn't deserving of you...

 

BTW, its true, nice guys always finish last.. I know this to my peril.

 

Yeah, you are right I didn't think of that. It would be boring if we thought the same about everything. I guess she's just not open to other views/options.

 

Height thing is pretty stupid. They are very traditional where it only looks good if the guy is taller than the girl. Pride thing maybe? It's basically a must.. I am taller than her but if she were to wear heels she would be slightly taller. Generally girls are attracted to tall guys anyways.. :/

 

She's turning 24 soon. I'm 22. That's another thing, they don't like younger guys. It's a standard to be older than the girl.. pretty stupid they base it off maturity but I know I am much more mature than her previous bf's who were 26. Again her parents are very traditional to their culture. Their opinions (do?) matter. It's more of a respect of parents decision kind of thing.. priority. Must listen to parents because basically she'd be disobeying/disrespecting them.. I guess she felt guilty about going against their will as well. and didn't want to bother fighting for what she wanted for the sake of obeying parents.. (you mean grow some boobs) lol. She gave up on me, not the other way around.

 

She isn't very deserving of me. But at the end of the day I still want to be with her and give her what she doesn't deserve anyways.. she makes me happy. (made?)

 

I don't really get why nice guys finish last... it sucks so much :/ I can't just change myself to have jerk features.. I'm also a bit tired on why girls kind of sit and waiting like a duck for guys to talk to them and approach them. Guys always have to make the effort to talk to a girl, otherwise, usually the girl will just sit there and not socialize with you. Just tired of the chase..

[SCJACK]

I made alot of mistakes guys... as you all know, after I deleted her off my fb, she got really mad. She sent me long texts etc. I ignored them until few days later it was our graduation. It drove me crazy on the thought that we would never see eachother again and i'm walking away forever with the memory of us just seeing eachother at a distance. I was leaving to florida the next day after graduation so I freaked and gave in after putting thought into it. I set aside my pride and just wanted to say bye to her at least. She didn't know I was moving away forever (it was my intentions). After certain events things were chaotic, I never got the chance to approach her although she did see me with her guy friends and she waved at me as I stood in the distance. Later on she left and I felt such a uneasy pain that she was gone once and for all... so without much hesitation I gave in and called her and we did a back and forth kind of conversation and on that same day I asked to meet up and I told her I was leaving for good etc. I gave her the gifts I had bought for valentines day since I had no use for them because I didn't care anymore, I was going away anyways.

 

Skipping to few days ago and now, I stayed in florida for about a week, I was hoping to work there and start fresh, it drove me crazy everyday being there, the distance killed me. I layed out my pros and cons and moved back to texas. When I got the chance I drove to her work place and waited by her car until she came out, she stood there for ab 10 seconds looking at me in a distance maybe surprised or in shock that I was standing there when I was supposed to be in florida. I told her I couldn't do this anymore, explained alot of things, gave her and ultimatum, all or nothing. She was mad that I didn't want to be friends anymore, I gave her simple options, but she kept giving me options when I"m leaving it up to her. She misunderstood alot of things I said and we argued through text afterwards too, during that process I also poured my heart out to her, told her how I felt about everything, and that she's never going to see me again. The look in the eyes was like if she was about to cry. Yesterday was the last day we made contact, we agreed that I won't text her ever because I want to move on. I told her I was nice enough that if she text me, it's okay because if she wants me in her life, then put me in it. But idk if I would respond if she ever did.

 

This happened with her ex as well. she wants them to be friends but gets mad when they call/text her because they haven't moved on, she thinks you can move on while being friends, but she's never been dumped so she wouldn't know...

 

Now I'm feeling back to square 1, depressed that one and only women I ever loved, doesn't want to be with me. and it won't ever happen, it's clear that It won't ever happen. I also got closure the main thing was her parents, they are very traditional and VERY strict on who she dates. Her parents ALWAYS win, so she has to pick her parents first since they are family over me. I told her how she looked so happy when she was with me, and then all the sudden bam she distanced herself. I told her i can only assume that she started to develop even more feelings for me because I saw the look in her eyes when I gave her that shirt. I confronted her about it. and said she started getting more feelings for me but then when she realized that, she didn't want to go further because she knew in the end it wouldn't work. her response was maybe yes okay? the sooner it ends the better okay? she didn't want to get deeper because SHE would end up getting hurt more.. so she made the decision to leave...

 

Idk what to feel about all this now, i'm pretty depressed like I have been for the past 5 months. There's nothing I can do but to move on, and i'm scared that I won't forget her. I've had so many dreams now of her ignoring me and talking to other guys and I wake up so depressed. She's poison to me and day by day it's such a struggle that things won't turn up. I'm just so unhappy... sighhhh. I feel so worthless..

 

LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.....

Edited May 22, 2014 by SCJACK

[Chi townD]

Okay, that post was all over the place.

 

I think what made it hard for you was just picking up and leaving without getting "closure" from her. So you only spent one week in Florida and decided you were miserable and beat feet back to dusty Texas to get that "closure" and it didn't turn out the way you planned.

 

So, my advice?

 

GET BACK IN YOUR CAR AND GET YOUR ASS BACK TO FLORIDA!!

 

Look, you went back and you gave it one more try and she wasn't having it. Okay! HER LOSS!!!

 

Go back and give Florida a chance! There are so many awesome places to go in Florida. St. Augustine, Tampa, Daytona, Miami, The keys!

 

The sun, palm tree's and the Caribbean Sea! Dude, I love Chicago. But, If I had to move. I would be standing next to you in ankle deep water with a margarita in one hand; in swimming trunks and a frickin straw hat! So, give Florida a fighting chance! This is a new opportunity, a new adventure! Live it! Explore it! Make it yours!

[SCJACK]

Okay, that post was all over the place.

 

I think what made it hard for you was just picking up and leaving without getting "closure" from her. So you only spent one week in Florida and decided you were miserable and beat feet back to dusty Texas to get that "closure" and it didn't turn out the way you planned.

 

So, my advice?

 

GET BACK IN YOUR CAR AND GET YOUR ASS BACK TO FLORIDA!!

 

Look, you went back and you gave it one more try and she wasn't having it. Okay! HER LOSS!!!

 

Go back and give Florida a chance! There are so many awesome places to go in Florida. St. Augustine, Tampa, Daytona, Miami, The keys!

 

The sun, palm tree's and the Caribbean Sea! Dude, I love Chicago. But, If I had to move. I would be standing next to you in ankle deep water with a margarita in one hand; in swimming trunks and a frickin straw hat! So, give Florida a fighting chance! This is a new opportunity, a new adventure! Live it! Explore it! Make it yours!

 

After rereading what I wrote, it was definitely all over the place hah.. unfortunately florida is not an option now.. even though it was really nice over there.. as I was saying, I laid out my pros and cons and realized I had so much responsibility over here in texas that I would be leaving if I were gone. Taking care of parents, leaving close friends, etc. I know being in florida is a fresh start, but it's also pretty lonely which made me feel worse. My job starts here in texas soon so I don't think I can get a transfer back because I already asked for one in florida before changing my mind again. My only option now is to try to move on, drown myself in work and hopefully meet cool people at work that can get my mind off her. She knows people that work where I work too.. I hope I don't run into them.. I'd rather not associate myself with any of her guy friends who are candidates to be her next bf when I am not..

[Zahara]

OMG, why would you leave Florida?! It's beautiful!

 

Dude, go and start creating new experiences. New people, new surroundings, new adventures! Stop cocooning yourself because of this woman.

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh dear God that was a painful read. So you basically punted a great opportunity for one last-ditch begging session? Yeesh. And now you are basically orbiting. Bad, bad, bad. My advice to you is to get your s--t together and then leave again. You had the right idea, but for whatever reason you decided to sabotage yourself. You have to move forward and stop being stagnant.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. Start working there and put your time in. If the opportunity to go back comes up, see if they'll let you go back.

 

Yes, you have friends in Texas and if they're your true friends, then they'll support your decision. Hell, they might kick you in the ass for taking away their opportunity to visit you in sunny Florida!

Edited May 22, 2014 by Chi townD

[SCJACK]

People say that all the time, don't worry, you'll be fine, it gets better, you'll find someone better etc. Idk if this is the right section to post in since most of us wouldn't be posting here if we were really fine and found better but, in terms of getting better (by finding someone else better than your ex), some of us find ourselves thinking that we want our ex's back, they were the "best" for us to spend the rest of our lives with, but still hope to find someone better in order to be happy without our exs. Has anyone ever felt this way and thought our ex's were the love of our life and thought you wouldn't find better but found someone better and never thought they would ever have found better? What would the success rate of finding better be? Do we always find better? Or do we settle for less in the end game? I think this might be in the wrong section as I guess it kind of goes to married people/currently happy people in relationships or wanting to settle for good/ older crowd.

 

For example, if you were married (i'd like to assume it's the end game), are you married with the person you'd absolutely love more than anyone in the world? Or did you "settle for a bit less" and still would rather be with your ex?

 

I'm sorry if this is confusing. Everyone wants to be with the one they love the absolute most (being married to them). I can't imagine myself being in the position loving someone who i'm not married to... but married to someone else I love but I don't love as much as the ex. Am I making any sense? Or am I just crazy? Did you settle for someone who you love less than your ex? (In that case you didn't find better)

Edited May 22, 2014 by SCJACK

[Elle1975]

People say that all the time, don't worry, you'll be fine, it gets better, you'll find someone better etc. Idk if this is the right section to post in since most of us wouldn't be posting here if we were really fine and found better but, in terms of getting better (by finding someone else better than your ex), some of us find ourselves thinking that we want our ex's back, they were the "best" for us to spend the rest of our lives with, but still hope to find someone better in order to be happy without our exs. Has anyone ever felt this way and thought our ex's were the love of our life and thought you wouldn't find better but found someone better and never thought they would ever have found better? What would the success rate of finding better be? Do we always find better? Or do we settle for less in the end game? I think this might be in the wrong section as I guess it kind of goes to married people/currently happy people in relationships or wanting to settle for good/ older crowd.

 

For example, if you were married (i'd like to assume it's the end game), are you married with the person you'd absolutely love more than anyone in the world? Or did you "settle for a bit less" and still would rather be with your ex?

 

I'm sorry if this is confusing. Everyone wants to be with the one they love the absolute most (being married to them). I can't imagine myself being in the position loving someone who i'm not married to... but married to someone else I love but I don't love as much as the ex. Am I making any sense? Or am I just crazy? Did you settle for someone who you love less than your ex? (In that case you didn't find better)

 

Some people never find love It's sad. I believe though that they never tried. And never tried to get out of their comfort zone either.

 

I would not settle for less, no.

[d0nnivain]

There were 1-2 traits about my various EXs that each was superior in that aspect to my husband but the overall package that is DH is the right fit for me. One may have been taller. One may have been more educated. One may have been more communicative but overall DH is the best for me.

 

 

When the acute pain of a break up fades, you can see the good memories for what they were -- good times that made you who you are today. Even the bad times helped shape you.

 

 

You take that & you find the person who deals with you for who you are and loves you anyway.

[SCJACK]

During our arguments few days ago I was stupid enough to say that I was nice enough to let her talk to me if she wants to talk, but I won't ever contact her first. I'm kind of angry now because she still believes we can be friends. She's really immature in that she wants friendship and I want a relationship but I don't want to be friends and she keeps saying things like "why don't you understand blah blah, and just be friends?!" I kind of want to go off on her and say why do you even want to be my friend? It's better for you but not for me. I want to tell her things like, I can't do this I don't want to be your friend, lose my number... I want to say things like was it your parents who didn't want you to date me, or was it you. I know in the back of her mind it's always ab her parents... she doesn't make decisions for herself. Ugh just reading back on the conversations I can see this girl makes excuses to cover up her own actions and doesn't want to pay for her own decisions...

 

I don't think I can take this anymore.... I really think I need someone else to distract me from her.. I can't do this alone but I have no one...

[greenbee81]

I'm going to agree with some here. I think closure comes within you.

[emotionalMess]

Closure comes with this.

 

Realizing that you did or said things in the past that today you say was not the "real you" is lying to yourself. You did do those things whether good, bad or deceitful, using poor judgement or whatever. That was you, "then".

 

Closure comes today when you admit to yourself that you cannot change those things from the past even if today, you would have done it differently. You cannot convince someone that the past is not who you are. You can indeed work on yourself to change things that you have control over if you want but that all pertains to the future.

 

With that said, you were you then and you are you now. If he or she does not accept you for you then or now, that is reason enough to take them off the pedestal and say, good, I am not the one for you - "AND MEAN IT"!

 

You will achieve closure at that point.

[elseaacych]

Some general thoughts:

 

-Make your own closure. Your ex doesn't know what's best for you, usually. Breakups happen out of self interest.

-The grass is greener where you water it. Your ex killed her grass in your garden. Like, a bad science experiment involving copious amounts of weed killer and fire type of kill. You can't fix that. Tend to the garden that is your life, go find some different grass that wants to be watered, or maybe a nice fern, and water it.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I gave myself closure on the relationship.

 

Some things came up in the outside world that brought me to believe there may have been far more behind our breakup and how NASTY it was, than either of us realized. Someone that knew both of us had been feeding me information .... leaving their cell phone laying around - and asking me to go fetch it - to incriminating texts from him.

 

Some knowledge from another source ... led me to believe this may have been intentional. And that with the exception of the one occasion I saw that text - I really had no proof what had been said.

 

So without telling the whole story (cause it's long - I just typed it out) We ended up having a conversation after the entire truth came out. Where he kept telling me about his weekend plans - and I would just tell him I hope he had fun - and he would come back with some snarky insult.

 

And then saying he wasn't coming back - and me saying I understand why he thinks it would be a bad idea - we've both caused each other a lot of pain - that wasn't what the conversation was about.

 

More about his weekend plans with an androgynous "new friend"

 

Anyway - I felt we left on a high note and would at least be able to communicate like humans when the results of the tests on our unborn child come back.

 

And - it showed me while I have grown a lot through this short time. Gone to therapy, worked through my feelings about my loss - and myself. He really hasn't changed very much. The cycle is so clearly mapped I could predict what he was going to say next. He had made no changes.

 

which gave me my closure.

 

And yes - I do feel better. I still love him very much, and miss our good times a whole lot. And I would never say never because I know how these things work lol.

 

But - not the way things are now. If he can't make the personal growth he needs to - I don't want him back - maybe not even as a friend. But I accomplished what I set out to do. Acknowledge my part in what happened, and ensure that our child's parents would not be unable to look at each other long enough to discuss the reason behind their death like adults.

 

And so I am okay with what happened - and where we are.

 

But I'll admit it wouldn't necessarily work that way for everyone. Were were a little over 3 weeks NC when we talked. I had been able to do a lot of work on myself, and step away from the rose colored glasses of heartbreak. So some of the things he would normally do to reel me back in just fell in front of me.

 

Clearly knowing, seeing, and understanding the things I had done that contributed to our relationship failing, made it impossible for him to make me angry by pointing them out, or passing the blame where I didn't earn it. And also made him seem quite petty and pathetic in my eyes.

 

Good luck if you go to seek closure and clarity. Be prepared for a lot of blame passing. Be prepared for a lot of remaining calm while they are trying to poke those sensitive places to make you react in the way THEY predict you will. Be prepared for a lot of breadcrumbs - hell I even know when he expects to be back from his trip this weekend - even though I never asked.

 

And for god's sake - don't do it before you've done the work on YOURSELF.

 

The truth that is never stated on this board is that relationships never end because one person one day just suddenly decides "Hey - I'm gonna walk out on this perfectly wonderful relationship just because I like eating TV dinners and going out with people I don't know who don't know me - I LOVE being single." If you can't acknowledge your role - and more importantly the fact that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, THAT IS NOT A REASON TO LEAVE then you won't be able to get closure - because you won't clearly be able to not see THEM as perfect ... but....

 

Don't be willing to forgive them for their imperfections - if you aren't willing to forgive you for yours.

[stillfiguringitallou]

 

For example, if you were married (i'd like to assume it's the end game), are you married with the person you'd absolutely love more than anyone in the world? Or did you "settle for a bit less" and still would rather be with your ex?

 

You need to stop seeing your ex as "most" ... how old are you? How many relationships have you been in? How many times have you loved?

 

I would never "settle for less" settling for less than my ex is doing myself a disservice - AND - the person I feel like is less.

 

I left home at 15 and set out on my own. I have had a lot of LTRs - partially due to constantly learning about myself, and the things I do or allow to be done to me because of things that shaped how I handle relationships.

 

I have "been in love" or occasionally "been in loyalty that I thought was love" a lot of times. And EACH time - EVERYTIME - I told someone I loved them - I felt like I loved them "Most of all" - more than anyone before.

 

I never loved two people "the same" - with the same intensity - or passion, or attraction. Not the same things that produced that love - but I always loved them MORE than the last.

 

And I never entered into an LTR that I couldn't still say that about when it was over.

 

Work on yourself friend - I feel you have a lot of internal stuff going on that you need to work through. Why would you ever want to "settle for less" .... You need to get to the place where you take them off the pedestal you put them on and realize you DESERVE BETTER - you DESERVE MORE.

 

And then and only then should you move on ... otherwise ... you just become your ex to someone else.

[BC1980]

During our arguments few days ago I was stupid enough to say that I was nice enough to let her talk to me if she wants to talk, but I won't ever contact her first. I'm kind of angry now because she still believes we can be friends. She's really immature in that she wants friendship and I want a relationship but I don't want to be friends and she keeps saying things like "why don't you understand blah blah, and just be friends?!" I kind of want to go off on her and say why do you even want to be my friend? It's better for you but not for me. I want to tell her things like, I can't do this I don't want to be your friend, lose my number... I want to say things like was it your parents who didn't want you to date me, or was it you. I know in the back of her mind it's always ab her parents... she doesn't make decisions for herself. Ugh just reading back on the conversations I can see this girl makes excuses to cover up her own actions and doesn't want to pay for her own decisions...

 

I don't think I can take this anymore.... I really think I need someone else to distract me from her.. I can't do this alone but I have no one...

 

That's why you can't speak to someone after a breakup. You get sucked into agreeing to be friends though you really aren't. Your version of friendship is different than hers. She probably means you are parting on good terms, and she might text you now and then.

[Survivor12]

Idk why but i'm finding it hard to find closure within myself. I should be over her by now but i'm not. I know I deserve better, but I lowered myself few levels to give her something that she doesn't even deserve and she still threw me away. When you know you have someone who you know you don't deserve, why throw someone away like that? I did it all just for her, and I was okay with it even knowing I deserved better. I felt so strong and confident before her but now I feel I am in ruins and can't get myself out of the pit. I keep thinking about her everyday and it saddens me. I can't get over the fact that she kept avoiding me the past few months, knowing that we probably won't ever get to see eachother again after graduation and graduation is in a few weeks, I feel worse and worse as graduation comes near because time is running out. I feel like these past few months were so wasted only because we could have done things differently and it wouldn't have to end like this and I wouldn't have to remember her like this... I just feel like life is so unfair sometimes. Alot of guys get to see her, but I can't.. what did I do to deserve not being able to see her? Being the nice guy I am? Giving it my all and doing my best? Bleh... i'm venting, I just feel like i'm dying inside. There are times when I just want to reach out and say stuff but I know it will only hurt more...

 

Finding closure doesn't involve another person. It's knowing that you have done all that you could do, acknowledging your own mistakes/shortcomings, and accepting that the relationship is over.

 

It is NOT--focusing on what you may or may not have "deserved" or on what you--or they--could or should have done differently. It's not about getting validation for what you did to make the relationship work or absolution for what you may have done wrong. It's not looking for "fairness" or being hung up on expectations. If you feel that you did something that you are proud of, great! Embrace the feeling-you don't need a pat on the back to feel good about yourself.

 

Closure is about accepting and appreciating yourself--and being honest with yourself about who you are OUTSIDE of a relationship. It's the opportunity to face your own imperfections and finding ways to make yourself and your life better. It's realizing that your life is what you make it--and that your hapiness does not depend on anyone else. It's about re-evaluating, finding out what makes you happy & what your priorities really are.

 

And, if you take the time & make the effort to give yourself closure, you will be a happier person, a better partner--and above all you will know what you are really looking for before getting involved with someone new.

 

Of course, be prepared--it make take you a while to find Ms. Right because once you take time to learn more about who you are, what you need & want--you will be much less inclined to settle for less.

 

Good luck.