My birthday passed a few days ago...

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with this only if she contacts you again and you have no choice but to talk to her. I doubt she will understand why you are saying it but you've done excellent thus far, so I do not doubt you will make the right decision moving forward.

 

Yeah, I mistyped. I meant he should tell himself that she broke it and it's not up to him to fix it. By no means do I encourage lauri to talk to his flaky ex. My apologies.

[lauri]

Yeah, I mistyped. I meant he should tell himself that she broke it and it's not up to him to fix it. By no means do I encourage lauri to talk to his flaky ex. My apologies.

 

no need to apologize. I fully understood what you meant. In a way, I'm wishing she would corner me again so I can say what I have to say. If she doesn't, its fine as well for me.

 

I'm disappointed because I wish she would have learned by now.

[BC1980]

no need to apologize. I fully understood what you meant. In a way, I'm wishing she would corner me again so I can say what I have to say. If she doesn't, its fine as well for me.

 

I'm disappointed because I wish she would have learned by now.

 

It's not up to you to set people straight. I understand the need to, believe me, I do. There is so much I never said to my ex and will never say. The problem with worrying about telling other people how they are wrong is that they aren't going to agree with you. All of us are very good at rationalizing our behavior, and no one wants to think they are in the wrong.

 

Worrying about someone else is a huge waste of time. It's trying to control the uncontrollable, and it will drive you nuts. Really and truly, the best thing you can do is walk away and start putting energy into yourself. Every time you think about her, wonder if it could work, wish she would change. . . . she wins. She has already sucked so much out of you, so don't let her take anymore.

 

I really do get where you are coming from with this, but you have to walk away. Often times, it's the people who are so blatantly wrong in their actions that will never look deep enough to change their ways. These people need to be written off and removed from your life. The best decision I ever made was doing NC with the intent never to speak to my ex again. It took me months of NC to really understand how worthwhile it was. Every day of NC and every time that you deny her contact is a victory for your self-esteem and self-worth. You are reinforcing that you no longer need any form of validation from her, and you are better off without these games.

[movingonnow1]

It's not up to you to set people straight. I understand the need to, believe me, I do. There is so much I never said to my ex and will never say. The problem with worrying about telling other people how they are wrong is that they aren't going to agree with you. All of us are very good at rationalizing our behavior, and no one wants to think they are in the wrong.

 

Worrying about someone else is a huge waste of time. It's trying to control the uncontrollable, and it will drive you nuts. Really and truly, the best thing you can do is walk away and start putting energy into yourself. Every time you think about her, wonder if it could work, wish she would change. . . . she wins. She has already sucked so much out of you, so don't let her take anymore.

 

I really do get where you are coming from with this, but you have to walk away. Often times, it's the people who are so blatantly wrong in their actions that will never look deep enough to change their ways. These people need to be written off and removed from your life. The best decision I ever made was doing NC with the intent never to speak to my ex again. It took me months of NC to really understand how worthwhile it was. Every day of NC and every time that you deny her contact is a victory for your self-esteem and self-worth. You are reinforcing that you no longer need any form of validation from her, and you are better off without these games.

 

I agree that is in not up to Lauri to fix her.

 

BUT, if she does corner you, I think you should get whatever you have to get off of your chest and move on forever. Go into the mode thinking you will never speak to her again and move forward, never look back. Trust me on this, she regrets breaking up with you 100%. She knows she cannot find someone else like you but she doesn't want to admit it. If you stick around, she will reassure her reasoning for ending it with you.

 

Maybe one day, if she grows up and realizes her mistakes on her own, you two could reconcile and maybe date again. But personally, I wouldn't date her again after everything that has happened.

[lauri]

I agree that is in not up to Lauri to fix her.

 

BUT, if she does corner you, I think you should get whatever you have to get off of your chest and move on forever. Go into the mode thinking you will never speak to her again and move forward, never look back. Trust me on this, she regrets breaking up with you 100%. She knows she cannot find someone else like you but she doesn't want to admit it. If you stick around, she will reassure her reasoning for ending it with you.

 

Maybe one day, if she grows up and realizes her mistakes on her own, you two could reconcile and maybe date again. But personally, I wouldn't date her again after everything that has happened.

 

This is going to sound extremely silly but I'm hurting today. I'm hurting a lot...she finally stopped contacting me 2 days ago but I'm in a lot of pain today. This girl is not worth the pain I am going through at all...I'm starting to think about the "real" reason she broke up with me...even thought it realistically doesn't matter.

 

Do you guys think I'm really this way because I have not been able to meet someone else? Maybe once I meet a new girl this won't matter anymore.

[BC1980]

This is going to sound extremely silly but I'm hurting today. I'm hurting a lot...she finally stopped contacting me 2 days ago but I'm in a lot of pain today. This girl is not worth the pain I am going through at all...I'm starting to think about the "real" reason she broke up with me...even thought it realistically doesn't matter.

 

Do you guys think I'm really this way because I have not been able to meet someone else? Maybe once I meet a new girl this won't matter anymore.

 

I think you are hurting because you won't block her number. On some level, you enjoy the validation from her contact, which is understandable. I used to get a high when my ex would contact me, and I would make it a point let him be the last one to text. I'd leave it where I felt I was in control. The problem with that scenario was that I was using him to validate me; I wasn't using myself and my life as enough validation to get up in the morning, if that makes sense. I was hanging onto this hope that he would change his mind.

 

This kind of silliness sucks the life out of you, is a waste of time, and leaves you with more to recover from in the end. You are really stacking the odds against yourself because you are still festering in the denial stage of grief after all this time. She's making it easy for you to stay stuck, but you have choices to make as well. You are stuck in an endless cycle, which is why you are now hurting. She throws you a bone, and you respond. Any type of response, and I mean anything other than ignoring, (hopeful, anger, telling her she is awful, asking for a second chance) amounts to you needing her validation. Every time you respond, you dig your grave deeper. Every time you don't respond, you slowly build up your self-esteem.

 

Since she obviously can't seem to control her urges to play games and contact you, it's going to be up to you to block her. Don't look to her for closure or to stop these games. Also, I don't think you are anywhere near ready to date again. By not cutting contact sooner, you put yourself further back in the healing process. The good news is that many others (myself included) have done what you are doing, and we eventually wised up and got on the road to recovery. It can be done, but you have to really want it and be committed to loving yourself first.

[Simon Phoenix]

While I've been proud of the way you've handled yourself, i have to echo BC1980 and say that it's kind of weird that you haven't blocked her number after all of this.

[lauri]

I think you are hurting because you won't block her number. On some level, you enjoy the validation from her contact, which is understandable. I used to get a high when my ex would contact me, and I would make it a point let him be the last one to text. I'd leave it where I felt I was in control. The problem with that scenario was that I was using him to validate me; I wasn't using myself and my life as enough validation to get up in the morning, if that makes sense. I was hanging onto this hope that he would change his mind.

 

This kind of silliness sucks the life out of you, is a waste of time, and leaves you with more to recover from in the end. You are really stacking the odds against yourself because you are still festering in the denial stage of grief after all this time. She's making it easy for you to stay stuck, but you have choices to make as well. You are stuck in an endless cycle, which is why you are now hurting. She throws you a bone, and you respond. Any type of response, and I mean anything other than ignoring, (hopeful, anger, telling her she is awful, asking for a second chance) amounts to you needing her validation. Every time you respond, you dig your grave deeper. Every time you don't respond, you slowly build up your self-esteem.

 

Since she obviously can't seem to control her urges to play games and contact you, it's going to be up to you to block her. Don't look to her for closure or to stop these games. Also, I don't think you are anywhere near ready to date again. By not cutting contact sooner, you put yourself further back in the healing process. The good news is that many others (myself included) have done what you are doing, and we eventually wised up and got on the road to recovery. It can be done, but you have to really want it and be committed to loving yourself first.

 

You are right completely.

 

This explains how I feel / am going through. I kind of always look for that validation from her since she has come back. I've done a good solid 9 month NC, I have no problem going back into it. Some bad luck pulled me back in...such as her showing up at my house. I got my rush from having her around - but I can at least look myself in the mirror feeling okay about how I reacted and handled it. One regret I have is not hanging up the phone when she called me on the blocked number.

 

This whole situation is silly and I'm embarrassed it is even at the point is it now. She has not contacted me again and I have ignored her texts completely by deleting them as soon as I receive them (I do not have her number saved on my phone). If she does again, I will write down her number and block it.

 

I think a large problem for me is I am not 100% confident in my ability to find someone else. My worry is it is going to take me a very very very long time to find someone who I will love and give my all to again. I'm going to continue to work out, get into better shape, advance my career and let the better opportunities come to me. Hopefully a girl even more amazing then my ex will come into my life.

 

Day 1 (technically 4 lol) NC starts now.

[mtnbiker3000]

Have you looked deep within? Chances are you have your own issues which need to be addressed. I'm guessing low self-esteem, low self-worth and nice guy syndrome... These are all very common. As I read more and more on this forum, its astonishing how many males fit these criteria.

 

And yes, I know from personal experience!!

[lauri]

Have you looked deep within? Chances are you have your own issues which need to be addressed. I'm guessing low self-esteem, low self-worth and nice guy syndrome... These are all very common. As I read more and more on this forum, its astonishing how many males fit these criteria.

 

And yes, I know from personal experience!!

 

Appreciate the insight.

 

I'm a guy who treats people with respect, but would not classify myself as a "nice guy". I put my foot down and do not let myself be walked all over...I believe that isn't the issue because if I was too nice I would have caved into my ex a long time ago. I know I am worth 10x more then what my ex has treated me like...however, my concern is finding someone else, which maybe could be attributed to low self-esteem. I think because it took me 5 years to go from one relationship to the next...a lot of the women I used to meet were via school and those days are long gone for me.

 

I've met a few girls since my breakup and have gone on some dates. Things went okay...but I just didn't feel ready / right being with someone else yet. I ended a lot of things early because I knew I would only hurt those girls and that is not my intention. One of my major confident issues is my lack of "experience" with girls. I'm very picky with who I date which may have lead to me missing out on some great experiences and chances to grow as a person / gain more experience. Its probably a irrational issue...but it is true.

[mtnbiker3000]

Glad you are willing to look at your own issues. That's a big step in the right direction!!! Kudos!!!

 

'Nice Guy' syndrome goes way beyond what the title might suggest. It's more about your wants and needs and many, many more things you may not have even thought of. I didn't know I suffered from this until just recently (age 42).

 

I strongly suggest you check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr Glover. You may be seriously blown away by what you don't know about yourself and the way you were raised. Then again, maybe not. But worth looking into, no?? It's a pretty short book

[BC1980]

I think we all worry we will never find someone else. It's normal, but you can't control most of it. I do know for certain that you will never meet someone else if you don't heal from your ex. I tell myself that a lot. It's hard when you feel like you had it all, and it just vanished one day. Extremely difficult.

[movingonnow1]

I think we all worry we will never find someone else. It's normal, but you can't control most of it. I do know for certain that you will never meet someone else if you don't heal from your ex. I tell myself that a lot. It's hard when you feel like you had it all, and it just vanished one day. Extremely difficult.

 

Agreed.

 

Has she tried to contact you again and have you blocked her number? For some reason, I do not see her contacting you anymore (I think she got to say what she wanted to say).

[lauri]

Agreed.

 

Has she tried to contact you again and have you blocked her number? For some reason, I do not see her contacting you anymore (I think she got to say what she wanted to say).

 

Funny you say that...she hasn't contacted me again, so no I haven't had a chance to block her number. I will once it happens...I think she got to hear what she wanted from me.

 

I told her I don't want her back in my life and that I won't meet her...so she must have got the point.

[lauri]

I'm feeling down today regarding my ex. She hasn't contacted me again which I know is a good thing but it is kind of driving me crazy that she went through all of that...threw major breadcrumbs and didn't even want to be with me. I think I was getting a high from ignoring her / having her chase me. I guess I kind of thought she would want to be with me.

 

*sigh.

Edited May 22, 2014 by lauri

[BC1980]

I'm feeling down today regarding my ex. She hasn't contacted me again which I know is a good thing but it is kind of driving me crazy that she went through all of that...threw major breadcrumbs and didn't even want to be with me. I think I was getting a high from ignoring her / having her chase me. I guess I kind of thought she would want to be with me.

 

*sigh.

 

Yeah, this happened to me as well. I would get that high from making him chase me, but, in the end, he didn't want to be with me. That's why I stopped engaging with him all together. It's gonna take some time, but you will be okay.

[lauri]

Yeah, this happened to me as well. I would get that high from making him chase me, but, in the end, he didn't want to be with me. That's why I stopped engaging with him all together. It's gonna take some time, but you will be okay.

 

Thanks - I know I will be.

 

I just don't like knowing it ended with her maybe thinking that we are okay...I know that sounds stupid and I shouldn't care. I truly believe she "thinks" the spark between both of us could happen again...arg its just so sad I even care right now. I was doing so good for 9 months.

[KaliLove]

Want me to dance? I desk-danced for Sooshi earlier today. I can do it for you too. My coworkers already think I'm nuts...

[lauri]

Want me to dance? I desk-danced for Sooshi earlier today. I can do it for you too. My coworkers already think I'm nuts...

 

hahahahahaha.

 

How could I turn you down?

 

Ironically, I was just thinking about taking some dance classes in Toronto to perfect my salsa dancing and maybe even try the Tango.

 

Thanks for the good laugh Kali.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks - I know I will be.

 

I just don't like knowing it ended with her maybe thinking that we are okay...I know that sounds stupid and I shouldn't care. I truly believe she "thinks" the spark between both of us could happen again...arg its just so sad I even care right now. I was doing so good for 9 months.

 

She sucks dude. That's all there needs to be said. I guess next time (God, I hope there's not a next time for your sake), block right away. Then you won't have to feel bad whether or not she follows up because there's no way of you to know if she is or she isn't.

 

But yeah, your ex sucks and is a flake.

[lauri]

She sucks dude. That's all there needs to be said. I guess next time (God, I hope there's not a next time for your sake), block right away. Then you won't have to feel bad whether or not she follows up because there's no way of you to know if she is or she isn't.

 

But yeah, your ex sucks and is a flake.

 

lol dude I love your comments.

 

Thank you so much...there won't be a next time. She really is a flake and tends to not know what she wants. It still doesn't change the way I feel inside though...even though logically she isn't worth these feelings.

[movingonnow1]

lol dude I love your comments.

 

Thank you so much...there won't be a next time. She really is a flake and tends to not know what she wants. It still doesn't change the way I feel inside though...even though logically she isn't worth these feelings.

 

Common, you know better then this.

 

As is has been said, she does suck. She screwed you over big time and she knows it...yet she continues to try to play with you. If she was serious to get you back into her life she would have been completely honest and straight forward.

 

Don't stress the feelings you have right now because it is normal. You had your high and you went through some major breadcrumbs...no looking back now .

[BC1980]

Thanks - I know I will be.

 

I just don't like knowing it ended with her maybe thinking that we are okay...I know that sounds stupid and I shouldn't care. I truly believe she "thinks" the spark between both of us could happen again...arg its just so sad I even care right now. I was doing so good for 9 months.

 

The last thing I said to my ex was "no hard feelings," which wasn't true of course. I don't know if he thinks it's all good or what, but I had to let it go. Trust me, I've day dreamed of telling his a$$ off, but it's not worth it. It's just adding more fuel to a fire that needs to be put out. Why even stoke the flames you know? It's just a feeling of not wanting to put anymore energy into something that's been dead for over a year. Let the charred remains RIP.

 

Don't be hard on yourself for caring. You are human by the way. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong. They simply are what they are, and they are okay. I still feel sad and wish things had turned our differently. It's more of a passing thought at this point that I can easily quell, but, believe me, I was knee deep in the same cesspool of h$ll at one time. Maybe in 10 years it won't hurt, but, if someone rips my heart out in the manner it was done, someone I put full faith in, it's gonna hurt, and I'm sure not ashamed to say it does.

[lauri]

The last thing I said to my ex was "no hard feelings," which wasn't true of course. I don't know if he thinks it's all good or what, but I had to let it go. Trust me, I've day dreamed of telling his a$$ off, but it's not worth it. It's just adding more fuel to a fire that needs to be put out. Why even stoke the flames you know? It's just a feeling of not wanting to put anymore energy into something that's been dead for over a year. Let the charred remains RIP.

 

Don't be hard on yourself for caring. You are human by the way. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong. They simply are what they are, and they are okay. I still feel sad and wish things had turned our differently. It's more of a passing thought at this point that I can easily quell, but, believe me, I was knee deep in the same cesspool of h$ll at one time. Maybe in 10 years it won't hurt, but, if someone rips my heart out in the manner it was done, someone I put full faith in, it's gonna hurt, and I'm sure not ashamed to say it does.

 

You're right.

 

I'm not a person who plays game but this entire process feels like a game. For so long I was "winning" and now I feel like I "lost", if that makes any sense?