My birthday passed a few days ago...

[lauri]

So she basically blamed you for the breakup (because you had to work abroad), she says that the reason for your breakup still exists (which she doesn't want to tell you because it will hurt you while completely ignoring the fact that just talking around it will hurt you) and she basically told you that she needs you to forgive her? Honestly, and I don't normally say things like this, but f--k this b-tch. Seriously. I really hope that a) you told her never to contact her again when she gave you that out (though I doubt she'll keep her word on this because she doesn't really seem to care about anything other than her whims) and b) did not agree to meet with her face to face. I hope you told her how extremely inappropriate it is for her to keep invading your space and telling you this stuff.

 

I feel for you man. On one hand you really want this person to grow up and change, but on the other hand you realize everything they are saying and doing is completely self-serving and layered in bulls--t. Most people wouldn't have the ability to dissect her motives the way you have and would be caught in a destructive off-and-on pattern with an ex like her. I know it's extremely uncomfortable and frustrating and part of you probably wonders "what if I did give in?" I'm guessing if you did, it'd be a hell of a lot more frustrating and nervewracking than it has been. Your ex is a flake, pure and simple.

 

Agreed on all of your points...I originally didn't take in the whole blaming me for the breakup part until now. Makes me feel sick to my stomach that she's trying to shift the blame to me.

 

I do think it is hurtful how she brought her "real reason" for breaking up with me but won't tell me...either way her reasoning doesn't matter. She told me that the reason for her ending it with me was something that would hurt me. Only reason I need to know is she didn't want to be with me.

 

She doesn't know what she wants and she is confused. On paper, I'm everything she wants. Her friends call her stupid for ending it with me, her family calls her stupid, everyone does. I even think she is stupid for ending it with me. You are 100% right on everything you've just said, but now I'm really hurt putting it all into perspective.

[Simon Phoenix]

Agreed on all of your points...I originally didn't take in the whole blaming me for the breakup part until now. Makes me feel sick to my stomach that she's trying to shift the blame to me.

 

I do think it is hurtful how she brought her "real reason" for breaking up with me but won't tell me...either way her reasoning doesn't matter. She told me that the reason for her ending it with me was something that would hurt me. Only reason I need to know is she didn't want to be with me.

 

She doesn't know what she wants and she is confused. On paper, I'm everything she wants. Her friends call her stupid for ending it with me, her family calls her stupid, everyone does. I even think she is stupid for ending it with me. You are 100% right on everything you've just said, but now I'm really hurt putting it all into perspective.

 

So did you tell her to leave you alone and that you didn't want to meet? I know you told her that you were extremely disappointed.

[lauri]

So did you tell her to leave you alone and that you didn't want to meet? I know you told her that you were extremely disappointed.

 

I told her "I already told you to not contact me before and you didn't listen. Obviously you won't leave me alone, so say what you have to say so you can leave me alone."

 

Perhaps not clear enough - I'm not sure. I'm just really sad right now.

 

I just don't get it...why is she like this? Why does she try to do this to me? Like to me its either you want me or you don't.

[movingonnow1]

I told her "I already told you to not contact me before and you didn't listen. Obviously you won't leave me alone, so say what you have to say so you can leave me alone."

 

Perhaps not clear enough - I'm not sure. I'm just really sad right now.

 

I just don't get it...why is she like this? Why does she try to do this to me? Like to me its either you want me or you don't.

 

I think she misses being with you and being in your life. You sound like a good guy and I can see why she is so torn over what to do with you. It seems like she doesn't want to "lead you on" or "hurt you" anymore. It doesn't mean her methods or ways of communicating them to you are right...and her choices to try to shift the landscape to make you the one at "fault". It is not possible for her to know if she wants you back yet - you haven't spoken in 9 months. Chances are if you did speak more, she would realize that she really isn't interested in you and just felt guilty.

 

Maybe in a different day, different year, or another lifetime, you two would have worked. Maybe she is realizing her mistakes are most likely not fixable and she is too embarrassed to try to beg for you back. She knows she really messed up and ruined something potentially good. She knows this...I know she does and I think you probably do too.

 

For your sake, I hope this ends soon because this cannot be easy. If she does contact you again - you can ignore like you used to before or you can just tell her straight up to not contact you again. Part of me wishes you could work things out but this one seems like it cannot be fixed.

[BC1980]

I told her "I already told you to not contact me before and you didn't listen. Obviously you won't leave me alone, so say what you have to say so you can leave me alone."

 

Perhaps not clear enough - I'm not sure. I'm just really sad right now.

 

I just don't get it...why is she like this? Why does she try to do this to me? Like to me its either you want me or you don't.

 

Almost exactly what I went through with my ex. It's up to you to move on and break ties because she will never do it. I don't know why people are like this, but it's beyond frustrating. Some people are too scared to commit but too scared to leave. Don't make it your problem because you will drive yourself nuts. These people will make you think you are crazy.

 

You have to stop talking to her because she's not mentally right. The only thing you can do is cut her off to regain your sanity. You have to toughen up with people who waffle. They are a total waste of time.

[Simon Phoenix]

Almost exactly what I went through with my ex. It's up to you to move on and break ties because she will never do it. I don't know why people are like this, but it's beyond frustrating. Some people are too scared to commit but too scared to leave. Don't make it your problem because you will drive yourself nuts. These people will make you think you are crazy.

 

You have to stop talking to her because she's not mentally right. The only thing you can do is cut her off to regain your sanity. You have to toughen up with people who waffle. They are a total waste of time.

 

I agree with this. The next time she calls (and she will) just hang up. No more listening to what she has to say. Everything she has to say is garbage and parlor tricks unfortunately.

[lauri]

Almost exactly what I went through with my ex. It's up to you to move on and break ties because she will never do it. I don't know why people are like this, but it's beyond frustrating. Some people are too scared to commit but too scared to leave. Don't make it your problem because you will drive yourself nuts. These people will make you think you are crazy.

 

You have to stop talking to her because she's not mentally right. The only thing you can do is cut her off to regain your sanity. You have to toughen up with people who waffle. They are a total waste of time.

 

I'm sorry you went through this as well.

 

I've broken ties and maintained NC for a significantly long time. She seems like she is not over me - but I'm not stupid and will not mistake this for her wanting to be WITH me. I just got sucked in by some really bad luck and finally giving her the platform to speak...thinking that it would at least let her "have the final say" (b/c I never gave it to her) and she could finally leave me alone.

 

Truth is, if I did speak to her/ see her, I have a feeling that she would potentially want to "try" things again with me. But I don't think that is what I want in the end anyways - too much happened.

 

Do you get the impression that she is just playing games again?

[movingonnow1]

I'm sorry you went through this as well.

 

I've broken ties and maintained NC for a significantly long time. She seems like she is not over me - but I'm not stupid and will not mistake this for her wanting to be WITH me. I just got sucked in by some really bad luck and finally giving her the platform to speak...thinking that it would at least let her "have the final say" (b/c I never gave it to her) and she could finally leave me alone.

 

Truth is, if I did speak to her/ see her, I have a feeling that she would potentially want to "try" things again with me. But I don't think that is what I want in the end anyways - too much happened.

 

Do you get the impression that she is just playing games again?

 

She is playing games, maybe not intentionally but she is.

 

I understand why you let her speak and why you talked to her when she showed up at your house, but in the end, she blew her chances to get you apart of her life again.

 

She has been straight up about only wanting friendship and not wanting to lead you on...but deep down inside I think she wants you to want her and be around for her. It is not worth it...then you'll just be an option.

[lauri]

I'm really sorry to everyone for continuing to talk about this - it has been therapeutic for me and allows me to release my inner emotions. I don't want to tell anyone about my encounters with her because no one in my family would accept it and to be frank, my friends think she is a waste of time (rightfully so).

 

In the end, it is up to me how this ends. That is what NC gave me, the chance to make the right decision and do what is best for me. If she calls again, I will just hang up. She really needs to figure out what she wants in life and grow up.

 

I'm starting to feel a bit better about the situation and after reading all of your comments it has helped me greatly. Hopefully I will find another girl who will give me the same connection I had with her...what makes this so hard is I have closed the door on her before, I'm just sad that I have to go through it all over again.

 

The thing about this breakup is that I have had to do things I never wanted to do, such as cutting her off forever, ignoring her, moving on, etc. These things are what was needed to be done to help better and protect myself. I'm not scared to cut her off - maybe I will always wonder "what if" but at least I know I'm going to make the right call to put myself into a much better place.

[jphcbpa]

I recommend a book, "He's Scared, She's Scared". This might have saved me mentally/emotionally. Literally, I have pages underlined and dogeared. I still skim through and read it months later.

 

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: 9780440506256: Amazon.com: Books

[movingonnow1]

I recommend a book, "He's Scared, She's Scared". This might have saved me mentally/emotionally. Literally, I have pages underlined and dogeared. I still skim through and read it months later.

 

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: 9780440506256: Amazon.com: Books

 

Based on this book, would it suggest for OP to never contact his ex again?

[jphcbpa]

Based on this book, would it suggest for OP to never contact his ex again?

 

I was referring to the push/pull posts above (her being scared and 1 foot out the door)

 

IF she was an "active avoider" and has a pattern of this in other R's then probably yes because it would continue. Active avoider means creating space/distance in R's creating a pull. There are exceptions if she wanted to get therapy and knows her part, is actively working on her. This could take months/years, but she would have to be doing the work to change herself.

 

Sounds like the OP is ready to close the door, is done and moved on. He would have to be willing to work it out. A real R takes 2.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm really sorry to everyone for continuing to talk about this - it has been therapeutic for me and allows me to release my inner emotions. I don't want to tell anyone about my encounters with her because no one in my family would accept it and to be frank, my friends think she is a waste of time (rightfully so).

 

In the end, it is up to me how this ends. That is what NC gave me, the chance to make the right decision and do what is best for me. If she calls again, I will just hang up. She really needs to figure out what she wants in life and grow up.

 

I'm starting to feel a bit better about the situation and after reading all of your comments it has helped me greatly. Hopefully I will find another girl who will give me the same connection I had with her...what makes this so hard is I have closed the door on her before, I'm just sad that I have to go through it all over again.

 

The thing about this breakup is that I have had to do things I never wanted to do, such as cutting her off forever, ignoring her, moving on, etc. These things are what was needed to be done to help better and protect myself. I'm not scared to cut her off - maybe I will always wonder "what if" but at least I know I'm going to make the right call to put myself into a much better place.

 

Never feel the need to apologize for discussing it on here. That's why this board exists and why this website gets hits. I'd rather you discuss it on here than just fly by the seat of your pants when unsure about something and put your heart in further peril.

 

I don't know what her exact motives are, and she probably doesn't either. But the fact that she can't a) be honest about her motives and b) feels the need to justify what she did by blaming things on you even when she's supposed to be apologizing makes me think your mistrust is the right way to go. Until she can completely come clean without justifying or blameshifting and be honest, there's nothing that she says that's worthwhile to you. And it's not your job to make it easy for her.

[BC1980]

Confused people don't know themselves well enough to make a decision. They trick you and are good at manipulating you. I've been there, and it's hard to extricate yourself from what is real and what is not.

[lauri]

Never feel the need to apologize for discussing it on here. That's why this board exists and why this website gets hits. I'd rather you discuss it on here than just fly by the seat of your pants when unsure about something and put your heart in further peril.

 

I don't know what her exact motives are, and she probably doesn't either. But the fact that she can't a) be honest about her motives and b) feels the need to justify what she did by blaming things on you even when she's supposed to be apologizing makes me think your mistrust is the right way to go. Until she can completely come clean without justifying or blameshifting and be honest, there's nothing that she says that's worthwhile to you. And it's not your job to make it easy for her.

 

Thank you very much for all of your wonderful insight and help.

 

I'm not going to talk to her unless she comes completely clean - and you're right, it is not my job to make it easier for her. She has tried to contact me again, as you anticipated, and I just ignored.

 

I know she is confused and this cannot be good...something inside me tells me if I really really wanted to fix things I could. But also something inside me tells me that talking to her / even getting back with her would not lead to any good ending at all.

[movingonnow1]

Confused people don't know themselves well enough to make a decision. They trick you and are good at manipulating you. I've been there, and it's hard to extricate yourself from what is real and what is not.

 

^^ This.

 

Confused = bad news. Keep it up and maintain NC.

[BC1980]

Confused is words than simply cutting you off and never speaking to you again.

[BC1980]

Thank you very much for all of your wonderful insight and help.

 

I'm not going to talk to her unless she comes completely clean - and you're right, it is not my job to make it easier for her. She has tried to contact me again, as you anticipated, and I just ignored.

 

I know she is confused and this cannot be good...something inside me tells me if I really really wanted to fix things I could. But also something inside me tells me that talking to her / even getting back with her would not lead to any good ending at all.

 

This is what my ex and yours do so well. They draw you into their mind games, but it's only hurting you. She gives you just enough to make you doubt your decision to cut contact. It is very hard to resist when you have known someone for so long, but I think they don't even realize he level of their dysfynction. They think they are normal, and you should know they have no intentions of a relationship. It's not fair, but it will be up to you to cut it off completely. She would never do it on her own, and neither would my ex. He was downright awful after our breakup.

 

You'll never move on but will go insane this way. You have to toughen up here and make some difficult decisions for your sake. Block her number.

[jphcbpa]

Confused is words than simply cutting you off and never speaking to you again.

 

can you please elaborate because I am not understanding this.

[BC1980]

can you please elaborate because I am not understanding this.

 

Because confusion gives you false hope. People that waffle and are confused usually just want to keep you around because they don't have the guts to tell tough NO. It's much kinder to to cut the person off, so they can move on.

[movingonnow1]

can you please elaborate because I am not understanding this.

 

Agreed - could you please explain?

[BC1980]

Confused is words than simply cutting you off and never speaking to you again.

 

I meant to say WORSE not words.

[BC1980]

Agreed - could you please explain?

 

Also, it's almost always did the confused person's benefit to keep you around, but you end up wasting your life. It's such a mind f$ck.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you very much for all of your wonderful insight and help.

 

I'm not going to talk to her unless she comes completely clean - and you're right, it is not my job to make it easier for her. She has tried to contact me again, as you anticipated, and I just ignored.

 

I know she is confused and this cannot be good...something inside me tells me if I really really wanted to fix things I could. But also something inside me tells me that talking to her / even getting back with her would not lead to any good ending at all.

 

When that happens, tell her that it's not up to you to fix anything because you didn't break it.

[movingonnow1]

When that happens, tell her that it's not up to you to fix anything because you didn't break it.

 

I agree with this only if she contacts you again and you have no choice but to talk to her. I doubt she will understand why you are saying it but you've done excellent thus far, so I do not doubt you will make the right decision moving forward.