Hated Wedding Ring question

[GrudgeHolder]

Perhaps my greatest failing is that I hold grudges and have a hard time letting go of old stuff. I have a good 23 year marriage. Over 19 years ago, while I was pregnant with our oldest, my husband became attracted to another woman. We were mutual friends with her and her boyfriend. She was a really nice person. Gorgeous, but nice. He never acted on this attraction, but at the time he wouldn't admit to me what he was feeling. Attraction is normal. We're human. It's what we choose to do with that attraction and he chose not to cheat, but about a year later he took this woman shopping with him to get me a new set of wedding rings. I had accidentally broken the setting in the set we had picked out together 5 years before. I really just wanted my sweet little ring fixed, but he decided I needed a nicer set.

 

We had a terrible fight during that anniversary when he mentioned she went to help pick them out and I've hated those rings ever since. We had other problems with these rings. He had them sized too small and then the repair for that didn't hold, the setting is tall and I catch it on things and it even cut my finger once. I refused to wear them for years and tried to wear them off and on through the years, but when I put them on, I think of her instead of my husband and our marriage. My first set no longer fits and is still broken.

 

I've asked that we both get new rings or that he get my first set fixed and he always says "We'll see." Which is hubby code for "I'm not going to be pushed into talking about this dead issue." I don't even necessarily want anything expensive. I just want something that to me symbolizes us instead of a time when he desired another woman. I wouldn't even mind a nice necklace if he picked it out.

 

Any ideas on how to get him to listen to me on this? Should I just go buy the rings I want for us or just get my old set fixed? The new set is made of sterling silver and very reasonable. At heart I really want him to pick something out for me or with me. I wonder what he'd do if I just dragged him to the jewelry store and said pick out what you would like for me to have? He might say the rings I already got for you.

 

All input is welcome

Thanks

[andreautick]

Hi there:)

 

I don't know you, your husband, or your marriage. But, I will try to imagine myself in the situation, and tell you what I would do if I was you. I was married for a very short time, and have been in my fair share of serious relationships, but nothing like a long marriage!

 

I would think of him taking her to go pick out your ring as the ultimate sign of "Hey, I love my wife. How about you, another female who I know, come and help me pick out something to show my wife how much I love her." I can see where you'd be upset, but if you try to view things from a male perspective...that's what it is. Imagine if you were a guy adn you were trying to attract/enthrall/charm a woman. Would you take her to help you pick out a wedding ring for your wife? No. You would buy her jewelry instead of buying it for your wife. That's just my take on that. The fact is he chose not to cheat, and he didn't want to admit to you that he was attracted because he was ashamed and knew it was wrong...despite the fact we are all human. Whether or not he "desired her" (I've heard that men desire many women they see everyday, but that it's only physical), he is married to you and loves you enough to buy you a new ring. Not that objects denote love, but you know what I mean.

 

If I was you, I'd just go get the old one fixed, or get the new one repaired depending on which one you like, and which one is more functional. And just be open and honest. I think guys are surprisingly responsive to that. Even if it's a dead issue, if you keep it short, sweet, and just ask what he'd prefer you do, you'll get an answer. And, if he wants to come with you and buy it for you or whatever, he will.

 

Please keep us posted, and I'm sorry that your wedding ring is a source of distress at this point in time!

[GrudgeHolder]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you about his perspective. I spent 6 months last year trying to wear those rings and I would tell myself every morning I put them on that taking her shopping was his way of resolving the feelings he had had for the previous year during my pregnancy and demonstrating to her, himself and me, his commitment to me and our relationship. I truly believe that is exactly what he was thinking. I still felt nauseous everytime I put them on.

 

My feelings got stirred back up on this issue because the daughter of a friend of mine recently broke an engagement and her family went through significant discussion/distress over whether she should return the ring even when the young man had said he wanted her to keep it.

 

The funny thing is I didn't think it was wrong for my husband to have feelings of attraction for another woman. I had gone through something similar during our second year of marriage about a male friend of ours. I talked to my husband about it, we wove it into our fantasy life as foreplay a couple of times and poof it was all gone and resolved. My husband says he didn't want to admit his feelings to me at that time because he thought it would hurt my feelings because I was pregnant. I can't say if it would have or not. I can say that half the men in the apartment complex were flirting with me at the pool and I didn't feel the least bit ugly so I don't think I would have felt slighted. I asked him about his feelings several times while I was pregnant and he kept denying it. I think I equated his secrecy with very strong feelings, more intense than a simple attraction. I also felt as if my intelligence was being insulted. I once said to him "Pregnancy doesn't equal stupidity. Why don't you just tell me about what's going on with you." It took him 6 years to admit how he had felt.

 

Thanks again for the advice! I'm going to talk with him about it this weekend and try to relay how much this issue still bothers me.

[andreautick]

Well, you are a smart cookie!

 

You seem to have a really good view of things, and I think it's great that you're going ot talk to him about it. Still, those visceral reactions to ideas and objects and memories can be pretty daunting. So, I can see why you feel the way you do.

 

I hope all goes well, keep us posted:)

[FolderWife]

The most obvious solution to me would be to eather take the rings to a pawn shop, or sell them on ebay...the one's that you don't like I mean.

 

Then, take the money that you make off the ones you don't like, and take your origional set and get it repaired...or if you have enough money, get a new setting for your old set. A bigger better one.

 

Or, if you have enough money, talk your husband into going and buying a new set WITH you. Or, if you can live with it, take the settings out of the set that you don't like, and turn them into something else...like...earrings?

 

Just tell your husband, "Look. I KNOW it's irrational, but this ring doesn't make me think of how much you love me, or our marriage...it makes me think of my husband being attracted to another woman every time I look at it. I'm not going to wear it, even though you bought it with love, because of what it reminds me of. I'm going to hock this ring, because I appreciate the thought that you put into it, but I can't help but be reminded of 'her' every time I look at it, and I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. I'm going to take the money I make off this ring, and either have my old set fixed and/or upsized, or I'm going to buy a new set."

[GrudgeHolder]

Good News! We're going to get an estimate on getting my old ring fixed. I've asked about this before, but I always gave 20 reasons, number one among them being that I hated the other ring and this time, I just pulled the set I like out and held it out to him and said, "I'd really like to have these fixed." No rehashing the past, just a simple statement and it worked. He said, "OK, but I'm not sure when we can do it" and I said, "That's fine, an estimate doesn't cost anything." Thanks everyone for the feedback. It helped a lot!

[Lil Honey]

I agree with Monday.

 

You could sell the second set. If you wanted a new set, you could get the first set fixed and sell them as well. Then, while wandering through the mall, tell him that you want to stop at the jewelry store "just to look." You could even window shop at several stores to get pricing ideas and style ideas.

 

Congrats on working this through by communicating.

[CurlyIam]

If this about the ring, Monday answered your question. If it's about your hubby being attracted by OW and your holding the grudge... that's another issue.

 

Why did this resurface now? Do you feen particularly unsure of yourself at this time? Did he do something that reminded you of that time?

 

I think you're a great person for still keeping those rings after knowing they were from her. Had it been me, I would have told him to take them back ASAP... as you might have guessed, I'm a terribil communicator and very territorialist. But then, I'm not even married, so I guess that explains it .

 

I think you should let that incident rest. Do something nice for yourself this week end, only for you and promise yourself never to think about that again. You're stuck: you cannot get rid of those feelings unless you decide to. I mean, imagine: "what should he do to make you feel beter about something that happened 19 years ago?". Nothing. By holding this grudge, you're only distroying your relationship. MAking it sour... So let go, you've got nothing to gain and everything to lose.