Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) I'm 25 yrs old n I love my best friend. He is 26, a very caring person and he stayed with me through thick and thin. My worst psychotic phase was when I lost my father, and I was a ship wreck. My BF (he was just a good friend that time) called me every night, so that I would stop crying. He spoke to me all night over the phone, till I fall asleep. He always made sure that I sleep before he cuts the call. He cancelled partying with his friends, just to sit with me silently in a park, holding hands. My parents gave me the best, peaceful and happy childhood which I would always cherish. I would've been in some hospital's mental illness ward, if my BF wasn't there in my life, because losing my dad shook my world and I fell into deep depression. My BF was the only beacon of light I had that time. A few months later, when he asked me to marry him, I was happy that I'm going to have a beautiful family. Oh, and he's phenomenal in bed Sometimes I felt guilty wondering if I'm using him for sex, just to feel good and escape the depression that I had. But no, it was love. He made sure that he visits me every weekend and spend time with me. When I lost my dad, my BF was jobless because he was fired from his old job for taking vacation without informing. (That was because he spent all his time in hospital with me, and yes it was a mistake not to pick up his boss's call) After that he gave many interviews but couldn't land another high paying job. Both of us hold engineering degree in computer science. He didn't wanna leave me to work in another city, so he kept searching a job near my place. Out of frustration, he took a small job irrelevant to his qualification, which paid less, as he didn't wanna widen the 'jobless gap' in his career. He keeps giving interviews but I dunno what goes wrong, he never gets selected. I always had a good job. His career is a mess but I kept ignoring it because I kept telling myself that he's a great guy, sure he'll figure out his life. Right now, we are planning to get married by next year and we announced it to both our families. He is a rich kid by the way. I'm from a struggling class, who do not have much financial support. So his parents look down at me as if I'm not worth their son and (my mom is ok with him but others are not happy) my family n friends are telling me that he's a loser who earns less than half of what I earn (yeah) and he's not worth my talent. His parents do not understand why their son wants to get a monthly salary job, when they own a business and possess lot of properties. But he wants to be different. He wants to start his own business with the money he earned. I'm sure he's not gonna inherit anything, as his parents want to dissolve their property after their life and give it away as charity. And they want their son to have a very grand wedding (at their expense, thankfully) to symbolize their social status. Now, I started thinking if I overlooked his career when I was blindly in love with him. Every weekend, when we go out, its always me who pays the bill at restaurant, and I book movie tickets, I pay for his bike's petrol, I buy Christmas gifts for his nephew, mother, etc. He never offered to pay (because he has no money to pay) and I'm tired of being nice. I even lent money to his brother in a tough time. His salary is enough only for his rent and food. I know that he sacrificed a lot for me and nobody can love me like him. He's my first love and we lost our virginity to each other (very late, at the age of 23!). I never had a relationship because I wanted to have just 1 person in my life, marry him and have kids, so I didn't experiment much with BFs. I'm his second GF but he didn't do anything with 1st girl as it was more of a long distance relationship after which she broke his heart by cheating on him. I never thought he would trust another girl, but here he is, loving me and caring for me, and trusting me completely. Now I'm saving money frantically because I'm afraid that we might not have a financially secured future. I do over time, work on alternate weekends and try to earn extra money. He doesn't even have insurance. I'm a single child and planning to keep my mother with me so that I can care for her (which he totally agreed) as she is very old and I don't want her to live alone. When I look forward to marriage, all that I can see is me struggling to make ends meet with my salary and a depressed version of him who changes into a bitter person. He promises that he'll take good care of me. I'm sure we have enough love to live happily for a life time but what about money? He loves kids but I don't even know if we can afford to have kids and provide them with good education. Am I just being paranoid? Can love be everything in life? Am I being selfish? Is he a loser? Edited April 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Is he a loser?Two distinct issues are here. The first is your monetary concerns about a family. The second is this sentence you wrote. The first one is practical and can be worked through with love and all that. The second undermines the whole relationship, the whole point. People in love put each other on a pedestal and are protective and defensive of each other. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
juicygirl Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Wow what a title. I don't think your boyfriend is a loser, but I think you maybe a bit immature to be getting married.Nothing to do with your age, more the fact that you are allowing others opinions to effect your views. If your boyfriend is having a hard time finding a job, why not try helping him and supporting him, like he did for you, go over his CV with him, look at job adverts and work on his interviewing skills. He has only had 1 pervious relationship and comes from money so many not be aware that you paying for everything is bothering you. I'm guessing he's not psychic, so try talking to him about it. My concern is YOU, I'm not sure you love him enough to marry him, you do realize marriage is forever and not just until things get tough? It doesn't sound like you want to get married to him and are looking for a reason to jump ship. You said "when I was blindly in love with him" focus on the word was? You need to talk to him and address your concerns before tiring the knot. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mr_dave Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Don't marry him, it sounds like he's a great guy who frankly deserves better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SerCay Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I think you might be feeling guilty for not loving and suporting your bf as much as he has done to you when you were going through a hard time. Don't feel guilty, but be honest. Through thick and thin goes both ways. Not only him supporting you when you have a rough time but also you supporting him. If you don't feel like doing that, it means you don't share the feelings. Which means you should be honest and leave. He is not a loser for not finding a job, I'm sorry OP, but you are the loser here for not recognizing what is going on on the whole. Either help him find a job, do anything you can do to find him one because you love him, or leave him without feelings of guilt because you don't love him as much as you thought you did. Courage is the word here. No, he is not a loser. You are acting shallow. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 STOP giving him money. It is causing resentment. Let him live within his means. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Please don't judge me or jump to conclusion just because i poured my heart out. I tried to refer him in my company but got reply that he doesn't have enough experience. My friend referred him in her company but he didn't check mail n missed the interview. His friend referred but despite impressing the interviewer, they took a candidate referred by a senior manager. (office politics) he lost hope there. I was always supportive. Its just that I'm tired. I tried to work on his interview skills but he denied saying that he wants some peaceful time with me n he'll be alright if I just hugged him. And I love him a lot. He knows that. I really do. But I panick whenever I think of married life. Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 If you panic whenever you think of married life, then you're nowhere near ready or wanting to get married. If you're tired of supporting him now, how do you think it'll feel and turn out when times get REALLY hard during marriage? I think you two really need to discuss the concerns you've voiced here. I don't think you love him like you think you do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 From your post it's very clear that you two aren't ready yet for marriage. And why are you rushing it/forcing it anyway? You're both young and you need some time to figure things out. Why don't you put the marriage topic on pause, and start with the goal of living together for at least a year and seeing how that goes? Including watching where his career heads (since that seems so important to you). It sounds like you both also need to learn how to deal with each other's families. I realize you've already announced to people that you're going to get married, but that's a very stupid reason to rush into things. For anyone who questions you, all you have to say is: "That's our eventual long-term goal, but right now we're taking things slow to figure everything out." They can perceive that as "a very long engagement" if they want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 I opened up here seeking support, comfort n encouraging words to face my life but all that I'm getting is judgement, hatred n insults. Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 You came on here to hear what you want to hear. We're not going to tell you what you want to hear if it's not what we believe. But we're here to support you and empower you. Sometimes we don't see things like those who are outside of the situation do, and a lot of times, it's not what we want to hear. But it's what we NEED to hear. We're responding to the information you've given us, that's it. You said that you panic whenever you think of married life. Don't rush into it. You're both still very young; take your time, work out the issues you have. If you can't work them out now, you're not going to be able to when you get married. A broken engagement is preferable to a broken marriage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Valen Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 A guy who came from a rich upbringing who didn't get spoiled but rather wants to earn his way through life, who supported you better than any friend could have, loves you with all his heart, sacrifice his career to be there for you, great in bed, and yet you even think he is a loser? OMG. I can't believe you even have that thought about him. That is one thing I dislike about female mentality. No matter how great a guy is, if he makes less than them, he's suddenly not worthy. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 A guy who came from a rich upbringing who didn't get spoiled but rather wants to earn his way through life, who supported you better than any friend could have, loves you with all his heart, sacrifice his career to be there for you, great in bed, and yet you even think he is a loser? OMG. I can't believe you even have that thought about him. I agree. I think your partner sounds awesome. He deserves SO much better than someone who thinks he's a loser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Valen Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I opened up here seeking support, comfort n encouraging words to face my life but all that I'm getting is judgement, hatred n insults. It's because you can't even appreciate how wonderful he is, and you are about to be his wife? Of all the people in the world, you should be his biggest admirer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Yes, he's an awesome guy... Link to post Share on other sites
SerCay Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Deal with it Tiara, all of us have, at some point, gotten answers from posters on here that hurt our ego. Things we didn't want to hear or see, but things that were reality. Just because it's hurting your ego doesn't mean you shouldn't think our views through. Maybe you ARE wrong. Maybe you didn't put your words correctly. Either way, if you seek genuine help, this is the best you're gonna get. I learned to appreciate the raw and HONEST advices here on LS, I suggest you do too. Edited April 21, 2014 by SerCay typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Negative Nancy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) A guy who came from a rich upbringing who didn't get spoiled but rather wants to earn his way through life, who supported you better than any friend could have, loves you with all his heart, sacrifice his career to be there for you, great in bed, and yet you even think he is a loser? OMG. I can't believe you even have that thought about him. That is one thing I dislike about female mentality. No matter how great a guy is, if he makes less than them, he's suddenly not worthy. Exactly. I can't believe it, the only reason he lost his good job in the first place was because he was there for HER in a way many guys would not! And now she calls him a loser? He was good enough for being there during HER tough times, yet now that he is going through tough times himself and would need support, she calls him a loser? Edited June 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Valen Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Yes, he's an awesome guy... I'm glad you see that too. Now go give him a big hug and kisses that he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 A couple of responses here are a little harsh, but I don't think anyone is "attacking" or "judging" you. We're giving you honest opinions based on what you've written. I mean, your post is TITLED "Am I marrying a loser?" That right there already tells a whole story of its own. Then the post itself is filled with a lot of evidence of your doubts, hesitation and confusion. No one reading your post would be giving good advice to say, "Don't worry about it, just get married, I'm sure everything will work out in the end." People are advising caution because you've given valid reasons for that. It's not that your love isn't real. It's that marriage is a big deal! And you it sounds like you two haven't even given a real test to just DATING for a while. Why don't you just do that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Tiara_Avril, I'm sorry that you feel like you're being attacked, insulted, or judged. But believe me when I say we're here to support you and protect you. Sometimes we just can't be kind about it, though, because then the message won't get through otherwise. I have been going through a broken engagement, and I can tell you that it's been the hardest thing I've had to go through (as if having our engagement end wasn't painful enough, my ex-fiance went to pursue my best friend shortly afterwards). I came here while being such a softy, and like you, I sometimes felt like the responses I received were harsh. My ego was hurt at times, as I felt like I was being attacked for being too soft and enabling with my ex and my friend. It took me a while to see what others saw, but I got there. And now I'm way more assertive because of it. I'm sorry if my responses have come off as harsh. But I have an idea of what it's like to be in your fiance's position, to love and care so much about your partner, only not to have it appreciated or valued as many would appreciate you and value you. I don't want for him (or for you) to go through what I've had to go through, which is why I (and others on here) want you to really reflect on what's going on and why, and to reconsider getting married (at least so soon). It's because we care. I know it might not come across that way because you're not hearing what you came here to hear, but this is what you need to hear. Not just to protect you, but to protect him, as well as your relationship, to the best of our ability. Edited April 21, 2014 by sooshi Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 A guy who came from a rich upbringing who didn't get spoiled but rather wants to earn his way through life, who supported you better than any friend could have, loves you with all his heart, sacrifice his career to be there for you, great in bed, and yet you even think he is a loser? OMG. I can't believe you even have that thought about him. Yeah... I realize that. I became shallow, thinking about what others told and how would I answer when my relatives ask about his career. I was lost among all these thoughts. He loves me like nobody did, and I'm worried about what some third person says... I actually panicked because I don't wanna break the engagement. I want to be with him. And I don't wanna break my marriage either because my family doesn't believe in divorce. I'm just worried that I might have a troubled married life and the magic of love might wear off. I would say that it already reduced But I want to spend the rest of my life with this amazing guy, fall in love with him again n again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 All of us have, at some point, gotten answers from posters on here that hurt our ego. Things we didn't want to hear or see, but things that were reality. Just because it's hurting your ego doesn't mean you shouldn't think our views through. Maybe you ARE wrong. Maybe you didn't put your words correctly. Either way, if you seek genuine help, this is the best you're gonna get. I learned to appreciate the raw and HONEST advices here on LS, I suggest you do too. Yes. I have to accept what is right. A honest word is more valuable than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkruger Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 If you're going to call your fiance a "loser", then the simple answer is NO, you're not ready to get married. I may get super mad at my fiance sometimes but at the end of the day, we love each other no matter what and it's us against the world - we are a team 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Love takes work. It's dedication. It's not always butterflies, sparks, and electricity. It's teamwork. It doesn't sound like you have a team. Who cares what other people think? You're not engaged to them. You're not thinking of marrying them. Your fiance is your partner. You two are supposed to be a team. Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like a team to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiara_Avril Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Love takes work. It's dedication. It's not always butterflies, sparks, and electricity. It's teamwork. When the butterflies fade, reality creeps in. That is why I mentioned "when I was blindly in love with him". Now I feel like the spark is missing. We are worried, but we want to hold each other's hands and live inside a marriage, supporting each other as a family. We can postpone the marriage but both of us feel that it might be more painful to face things, alone. If we are married, at least we would have each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts