Am I marrying a loser?

[K.K.]

"Am I marrying a loser?"

 

Ouch.

[Radu]

No we don't live together. I'm not a nagging GF (thankfully). He is a very decent man when in a committed relationship so I never felt less loved. He is 26 years old. Yes, he doesn't really come off as a person who needs loan, so thats the end of it. He also decided not to study after all this. We could've been a wonderful couple but all these thoughts and my insecure feeling and his new found low self confidence, all these are messing up with my head.

 

Hmm, what helped me to avoid being like that [i'm less accusatory IRL and i try to be even less on the forums as of late], is reading and re-reading Dale Carnegie's book 'How to make friends and influence ppl'.

It's in the public domain, so it's not a commercial.

 

Read up on it, especially the chapter with the idea 'you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'.

 

PS: I think overall, your interest in his career is not unwaranted ... and he does have some growing up to do.

Marry him or not ... your call, but i hope you have the presence of mind to put kids far back ... either way.

[VeronicaRoss]

He has some ego that he should earn enough, like a real man, and buy me gifts and take me on vacation.

 

Actually the hallmark of a real man is keeping commitments, take or immediately return calls from their bosses (he ate and went to the bathroom, right? He had five minutes to call the boss before he took off for the hospital and during), and pay the bills. Some real men can't afford big gifts or vacations but focus on being responsible and taking care of needs -- big gifts and vacations are not what marriage or manhood is about. The focus on life's pleasures and excusing a lack of basic adult behavior are two more red flags.

 

I understand why he didn't show up, but the interviewers would not care. Yes, he is the kinda person who wouldn't take calls if he is really busy or not in a position to speak.

 

That makes no sense at all, and you're excusing the both of you now. If you needed his attention so much you wouldn't let him make a five minute call, that's another problem.

 

He couldn't get loan too.

 

So he is working in a field where his heart is not, but he couldn't pursue higher studies in another field either.

 

Who can't get an educational loan? And what is wrong or impossible with evening community college classes while he works any job?

 

I don't think he's being honest with you, or he has some other black mark he is not telling you about. This story is getting more and more problematic.

 

I really understand why some members of your families are against this marriage.

[Fugu]

Well, its not like he is not behaving like a man or he is trying to enjoy the weekends on my money. I wouldn't accept that. He's a great guy. He loves me. I actually suggested that I can take loan from my company if he wants to apply for higher education (not a good idea, I know) and he denied that he cannot ask me to get into debt for him and that he would continue looking for a job that pays well.

 

I tried to talk to him about his career twice before, but he said he doesn't wanna talk about it. Mainly because, when I start, I'm not able to avoid that accusatory and panicky tone and it makes him feel guilty and bad. He is trying hard but probably its his bad luck. We are dating for 18 months, (out of which he was jobless for 12 months) and we just had 2 fights, both about his career. He said he is happy and feels peaceful only when he meets me and he doesn't wanna ruin it. He assured that things will get better.

 

He has dream and ambition. He wants to start his own business but obviously thats gonna take time and hell lot of money, which he doesn't have now. So his goal is to get a better job and save money for his plan. His current job is very stressful, yet low paying. What I am afraid of is, thinking whether he would lose hope and become a bitter person after marriage. Opportunities are very low in his field of experience for people who have less experience. And he's not comfortable to start his career all over again in a new field...

 

I think there are two fears or concerns you have, and maybe it's a case of having one or the other or perhaps both at the same time.

 

One concern seems to be that you're fearful that he might just turn out to be unsuccessful in his pursuits. The deeper and related fear, then, is that you'd end up being the leader in the relationship. With leadership comes pressure, and maybe you're worried about being the decision-maker and you're hopeful that he can step up and be someone who takes the load off. I understand those concerns, and I think they're valid.

 

A lesser concern might be that you fear that if you pull away, you're wondering how he might feel about himself later on, and what the collateral consequences of that might be. I also get that. I think you have some reasonable concerns.

 

But you need to address it in a constructive manner - he does, too, of course. There has to be disclosure of feelings and at the same time mutual understanding. I suspect he envisions himself being successful at something but may need some input and guidance on how to get there. Sometimes that support will come in the form of tough love but other times, it might be just reassurance that you have confidence in him.

[BlueIris]

I think it’s mature and responsible of you to consider things like this before marrying.

 

- He lost his job after a few months, he says because he was caretaking for you. It might be true. It might be that he’d lost it already. (Sorry, I’ve seen too many scammers in my business, and young men and women in shock, holding babies.) Even if he did lose his job for the reason he said, it was foolish and irresponsible.

- He missed an interview that you arranged for him because he didn’t check his email,

- He won’t talk with you about his career and resists your assistance, and just wants to cuddle,

- He does not have a basic sense of fairness about your paying for everything, which is reality now and apparently for the majority of your relationship,

- He’s been unemployed for 12 of the 18 months you’ve dated,

- He doesn’t like the field he’s credentialed in but doesn’t want to change careers,

- You don’t have the same goals and values about having children, especially regarding money and providing for their educations.

 

i'd say, don’t marry him until he has been gainfully and consistently employed for at least a year in a job leading to growth and don't try to solve his problems for him. He has to solve them himself. I see no ambition and responsibility in him, just a dreamy kid who’s found a responsible hard working adult.

 

And be very careful about birth control. Very careful. I've just seen too many scenarios like this, so I felt I had to mention it.

[Els]

 

Who can't get an educational loan? And what is wrong or impossible with evening community college classes while he works any job?

 

I don't think he's being honest with you, or he has some other black mark he is not telling you about. This story is getting more and more problematic.

 

I really understand why some members of your families are against this marriage.

 

I don't know the OP's backstory, but there are plenty (plenty!) of countries in which not everyone can get a study loan. Especially if it's not your first bachelor's degree.

 

Also, in some of those countries many workers work til 8-9pm, making evening classes difficult/impossible.

 

Not necessarily excusing the OP's bf (and I don't think she should feel obliged to marry him), but I wouldn't jump to assumptions. It all depends on where they live.

[littleplanet]

I think it’s mature and responsible of you to consider things like this before marrying.

 

- He lost his job after a few months, he says because he was caretaking for you. It might be true. It might be that he’d lost it already. (Sorry, I’ve seen too many scammers in my business, and young men and women in shock, holding babies.) Even if he did lose his job for the reason he said, it was foolish and irresponsible.

- He missed an interview that you arranged for him because he didn’t check his email,

- He won’t talk with you about his career and resists your assistance, and just wants to cuddle,

- He does not have a basic sense of fairness about your paying for everything, which is reality now and apparently for the majority of your relationship,

- He’s been unemployed for 12 of the 18 months you’ve dated,

- He doesn’t like the field he’s credentialed in but doesn’t want to change careers,

- You don’t have the same goals and values about having children, especially regarding money and providing for their educations.

 

i'd say, don’t marry him until he has been gainfully and consistently employed for at least a year in a job leading to growth and don't try to solve his problems for him. He has to solve them himself. I see no ambition and responsibility in him, just a dreamy kid who’s found a responsible hard working adult.

 

And be very careful about birth control. Very careful. I've just seen too many scenarios like this, so I felt I had to mention it.

 

 

All good sense here.

Your reality right now makes marriage a tyranny.

Best to not crack that whip for awhile.

 

I could also say welcome to the new global economy.

No marriage-supporting job or career is an automatic guarantee, anymore.

 

In my little corner of the world, this is kind of how it looks. Hundreds of thousands of young people your age, who would love to get married to their SO's.....intendeds.......except their educational debt adds up to as much as the national average house price (or close to it.)

 

So they do the smart thing - and put on the brakes.....until the debt is under control, and their careers look stable enough to support a reasonable future.

 

If you guys don't have that kind of debt, you're already in better shape.

But I still wouldn't consider (the kind of married life you're planning) without a solid income on both sides.

Nobody's holding a gun to your heads to leap into financial mayhem.

Cool your jets.

 

Give your bf time to straighten this out. He's not necessarily a loser just because he doesn't have a magic money tree in his backyard.

Maybe he made the mistakes he made. He's young. He'll learn.

I'd wait awhile, see where the chips fall.

Love doesn't pay the bills. But it can wait a bit and weather this storm.

 

As I said.....many are in your positiion, and some much worse.